To ask if you feel you've "wasted" your education by being a SAHM?

[trashaccount]

To preface, I don't view it this way at all. I'm in full time education right now, with the intention of being a SAHM in the future and (probably) home educating my kids.

I don't feel any education is necessarily "wasted" as you still gain something from it, but there's definitely a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I'm doing it for very different reasons than my peer group.

Interested in hearing opinions (though please let's try and keep it respectful to both SAHMs and WMs). Thank you!

@mrsmuddlepies
"where the parents don't work". I can understand why that would reduce your motivation to work, but similarly that assumes we would be reliant on benefits / neither parent working (though no disrespect to anyone on benefits). I feel like my husband and I have different skills, and if I'm to be held accountable to be an appropriate role model then he should be too. We have a different set of skills and we're not trapped in a cycle of poverty which I'm very thankful for.

I have a PhD and had an interesting career in research. I never intended to be a SAHM but when my first came along I had PND and just found I couldn't carry on doing everything at the same time. More kids came, I took time out to work on mental health and it's been 5 years now. It works for us, my partner is happy and financially luckily its fine with tightened belts.
Sometimes I wonder where I would be in my career if things had been different but honestly I don't care that much. Is it a waste? For who? Not for me because I love learning in of itself and enjoyed the studying at the time and I am happy with my life now, not for the Uni because there is an endless line of people to come along and do the research I was doing. Perhaps there is a waste of potential. Maybe I could have been an assistant professor by now but how can I regret 5 years at home with my babies and everything I have shared with them? Personally I don't view it as a waste at all. My education has enriched my mind and life, helped me to meet interesting people along the way and will benefit my kids in the ways I can support their learning in the future. Others will think differently. You do you etc etc.

@mrsmuddlepies "But statistically it is true even though anecdotally it may not true in your case." Except, in this specific case we're talking about my lifestyle. I'm not necessarily advocating this to be everyone's lifestyle - I asked about guilt in relation to "wasting" your education to become an SAHM, but I'm not stuck in a cycle of poverty (thankfully), I have a degree and parents who are educated to the nines so all I'm saying is that this specific statistic may not relate to my own circumstances.

www.jrf.org.uk/report/are-cultures-worklessness-passed-down-generations

www.youthandpolicy.org/articles/generations-of-worklessness/

Some articles about that nasty little myth about generations of worklessness. It's a myth that never dies. Absolutely drives me crackers!

@mishmash13 Perhaps there is a waste of potential. Maybe I could have been an assistant professor by now but how can I regret 5 years at home with my babies and everything I have shared with them?

This is lovely! I'm very glad you're happy with your choices. If you don't mind me asking, do you have any things that give you a sense of personal success / achievement while being a SAHM (even if they're different to typical career goals)? Not trying to be presumptuous at all, I'm just keen to set goals for myself whether in education, work or being a SAHM!

For my situation yes it would have been a waste. Very vocational degree with 50% placement and I had my 2 children in between studying. I had about 7 months off after qualifying to have second baby and I felt gutted that I wasnt working, I'd worked so hard to get my degree and was sitting at home/going out to coffee shops while all my fellow newly qualifieds had started their posts and thriving. Admittedly I was not cut out to be a SAHM and our life functions a lot better with me working. Also I have a bit of the best of both worlds because I now work 2 long days so I can do almost every drop off/pick up/party/play date.

I don't judge other people who do the same though because I know how much I was not suited to the SAHM life and all credit to folk who are and that do it well.

Thank you for the links, @BefuddledPerson! Particularly keen on the "Working-age offspring remained strongly committed to conventional values about work and were keen to avoid the poverty and worklessness experienced by their parents."

Even mentioning all this, I think it's very different to be in a situation where you've not had the capacity to get education / a successful career and therefore getting stuck in the cycle of poverty, as opposed to the relatively privileged position that I'm in where I have the capacity to work or be a SAHM depending on what suits me and my family best.

I'm a SAHM who has a masters degree. I plan to be a SAHM until my youngest starts school so will have been out of work for 4 years (5 if you include her maternity leave)

I don't think I've wasted my degrees. They are in classics so weren't the most useful to start with lol.

Not working right now was the right choice for us and I intend to go back to work in the future

@trashaccount I love being a school Governor! It is time consuming and some of the other governors were sniffy about the parent governors (not sure why) but I am v diligent and make sure I attend all meetings, read the paperwork and contribute. I now chair committees and sit on various discipline panels. I think you get out what you put in. It definitely is keeping my brain active while I am not working and makes me feel I am contributing.

You do need to commit - I checked all meeting times before I put my name forward. Nothing worse than people signing up and then not making meetings. My committee meetings are usually 8.30am but others are 4.30 so not always family friendly times. My kids are secondary now so easier but DH did need to be flexible with some childcare.

I think it is a good thing to do and lots of schools are crying out for governors.

No. I did well at school but didn't go to sixth form due to parents messy divorce.
Got married at 22, both worked full time and paid off the mortgage and we adopted a baby at 34. Not had a paid job since then. Our son has some SEN and I've saved the government a fortune by doing it all myself. Would not have it any other way

@Jent13c Does your vocational degree relate or help with your current work now? And based on what you've said about worrying about your newly qualified peers moving ahead of you (sorry paraphrasing feel free to correct if I've misread) I guess it's quite clear that whatever you do there's always going to be a sense of needing to do something more. You were raising children, that's a success in and of itself!

I guess it's true what they say that comparison is a thief of joy.

Older women are also far more likely to develop dementia than older men which some doctors put down to a generation of women where fewer of them worked. My mother's GP used to remind her repeatedly that work is good for you.
Women are “much more likely than men to be suffering from dementia when they reach the end of their lives” the website says. The US study showed that about 45% of women from a group of 911 people aged 90 years or older had dementia compared with 28% of men.3 Jul 2008
Dementia more common in women - NHS
www.nhs.uk › Behind the Headlines

I think having an educated mother benefits children. Valuing your education hopefully means you will be better placed to support your children through their education and help them succeed.

I do think it is a shame when women stay at home when their children are of school age, although I understand afterschool and breakfast club may be hard to come by and take up a good chunk of a salary.

From my own experience, I worked damn hard to get to uni and then once there to get my masters. I do not want to be a sahm and am fortunate that I have a dh that will work alongside me so that I can work part time in my chosen profession. Not everyone is as fortunate.my parents also supported me to get an education and whilst they would never say, I think they would be disappointed if I became a sahm.

I sponsor a girls education from Pakistan, I hope she has a career one day but even if she doesn't she will be better placed to make and appreciate decisions and educate her own children.

My cousin is a doctor and has recently given up to be a sahm. I think this is overall a waste of her education and skills but she has her own reasons.

But you can have both if you want....I have a great career and I took 6 years out to be a sahm...and then returned to work!!my career didn't suffer, I'm a very well educated and driven, if I want something I go for it!

@DDIJ Sorry if you've mentioned it upthread, but do you mind if I ask if you're a SAHM or if you work? "There was no point in educating me past 10 or 11" is an interesting position to hold, did you get any kind of benefit past this age even if it wasn't necessarily related to work?

I think I could have definitely cracked my primary and secondary school a lot quicker if I was left to do it on my own, but I guess I do value my education to some extent even if it's just being able to bring up a semi-impressive fact at the dinner table!

Somewhat. But there are more people trained in my old career than there are jobs in it, and actually I wasn't all that good at it in practice anyway. So I'm not really missed! I'm not purely a SAHM but work very part time in a job unrelated to my degree, though better suited to me and with some crossover skills. Also, my eldest has SEN, so putting him in childcare at a year old was a very unappealing prospect. Otherwise I might have gone back part time.

I have a degree in natural science from Cambridge and a PhD in biochemistry. But I didn't publish during my PhD so had to take an office job rather than research. After 4 years I had my first child and then became a SAHM. It's been the best 5 years of my life so far. Sometimes it makes me sad to think I'll never go back to a full time job (limited childcare options) related to my degree disciplines but most of the time I just feel lucky to have spent the time with my kids. My childless friends on the other hand have commented on how I've wasted my higher education.

* I'm a very well educated person...(albeit very tired today!) 🤣

Older women are also far more likely to develop dementia than older men which some doctors put down to a generation of women where fewer of them worked.

@mrsmuddlepies I imagine this is due to expectations of being a housewife which was common in older generations, where women couldn't necessarily have as many vocations or external interests. I have the capacity to take on part-time courses, pursue new interests, learn a new language etc etc which keeps the brain clunking along.

My cousin is a doctor and has recently given up to be a sahm. I think this is overall a waste of her education and skills but she has her own reasons. @Sceptre86 Could you explain this a little more? I'm curious as to why you think this is a waste.

@kittykat35 That's very inspiring! I guess if I had some strong drive for a career then I would grit my teeth and multitask everything to the best of my abilities, but I'm not particularly career oriented at all and want to do the best I can for my kids (though of course this is based on my own preference and no comment on anyone else's parenting or preferences!)

I was a SAHM up until a year ago. I had the option to go to uni when young but decided to go and live in US with family for a few years instead. I wasn’t 100% sure on what I wanted to do and found it pointless wasting time and money back then, whereas now I’m working full time in a job I love with zero student debts and lots of prospects.

I'm currently in my final year of studying for my second degree and honestly I want to do the same as you OP.

I don't think it's wasted. I grew up so much during all of this.

@trashaccount thanks yes I think you are on to something with the goals thing. I have done lots of online courses and taken up hobbies that interest me over the years that still give me a sense of achievement and honestly have kept me sane in the moments when you just need headapace. I am currently writing a novel in the 5 minutes of time I have to myself each day! It will probably never see the light of day but it does mean I have something for that part of my brain to do that was used to working and studying. This was not the path I had intended but sometimes life puts us somewhere unexpected. Good luck to you. There is no right or wrong way is there just whatever works for you and your family.

I have a MA and don't feel I'm wasting it with being with my children all day. I'm teaching them to read, count, write, be kind, find their own passions, I take them to zoos, castles, farms, playgrounds etc
I can't imagine using my education for anything more worth while than giving my children a secure start in life.
I was planning on going back to work full time when they were secondary school age. Because of Covid, our family financial situation has changed and I'll now be going back next week while my husband is a STHD. We will probably swap back in a year's time.
My attitude is that my certificates can sit safely in my drawer. My children's childhoods won't wait and I can't get that time back.