To ask if you feel you've "wasted" your education by being a SAHM?

[trashaccount]

To preface, I don't view it this way at all. I'm in full time education right now, with the intention of being a SAHM in the future and (probably) home educating my kids.

I don't feel any education is necessarily "wasted" as you still gain something from it, but there's definitely a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I'm doing it for very different reasons than my peer group.

Interested in hearing opinions (though please let's try and keep it respectful to both SAHMs and WMs). Thank you!

@trashaccount

I don’t think many wives (or their husbands) anticipate SAHM being for the entirety of the working life. My friends certainly presumed that they’d be able to find a new job without issue. The husband’s aren’t bastards but taking the entire financial burden of your family when kids are older and not requiring constant care is a different situation. Just because the husband was a high earner, doesn’t mean they always will be. The issue is that flexible jobs that the wives can do, don’t exist.

I worked, stopped for a few years, started again in a new career by being fast-tracked on a returner's course. I feel like I'd have struggled if I'd never had a decent education, but instead it was just getting back on a bike.

Bumbling about at home once the kids have started school - it just makes your brain rot.

Also you can see right here the amount of partners who just chuck the mother of their kids out with nothing (and, if not married, can do so.) No one forces them to pay maintenance. You're entirely at the mercy of someone who won't always be 'nice'. One of the primary causes of women and children in poverty is men chucking them onto the street.

Friend of mine, pregnant with the third, lovely home and lovely life, "hubby" comes home and declares he's fallen in love and she has to leave. That was that. After sofa-surfing for months she got a council home on an estate of burned-out cars and graffiti, and she lives there, penniless, with a husband who won't see their children anymore. He's 'started again' with another woman.

Just like that. One minute living the dream, the next, benefits and fuck all hope.

I'm a SAHM with a degree in a niche subject. It's so niche that on paper it's considered to be very "academic" rather than practical, and it really wouldn't lead onto a job. My DC took many years to come along (fertility issues), and once they finally arrived, DH and I decided jointly that we didn't want to miss any part of them growing up. We are now at the teenager stage and we have never regretted our decision. (And by the way, my DH most definitely does not "fund" my lifestyle! Those comments didn't take long to arrive did they).

I do not consider that I waste my education in any way.

@trashaccount yes of course study what you enjoy! I think I didn't word it properly, but agreed that psychology and philosophy are both beneficial for you and others around you whether you're a WM or SAHM :)

I'm a carer - first for my grandad who had dementia and alcoholism and now my mum.

I was a good student and really enjoyed school/sixth form. I couldn't do uni as my dad passed literally the September I was due to start (and then my grandad got worse during the following year so vicious circle).

I started a course at the local FE and then my grandad needed 24/7 care and the social worker did not agree that he needed to go into a home so I had no choice but to be there 24/7 until I had a heart attack at 25 and she finally agreed it was too much stress (!!!)

So yes, I massively completely and totally 'wasted' my education and I regret it so much. My brother got his chance and went to uni and has been head hunted several times over and is now married with a child.

I'm 4 years younger and 'stuck' (i don't mean it as harsh as it sounds) until she dies and then I get my life when I'm approx in my 50/60's finally. Too late to start anything when you've spent the last 40/50 plus years (by then) looking after people. Very bitter personally.

@ReggaetonLente *I read somewhere once that the children who do well academically tend are often the children of well educated SAHMs who talk to them a lot." Hahaha well as you can tell by my incessant responses, I talk a hell of a lot! I wonder based on that information if one-on-one contact is more influential than having a ton of experience in teaching (unless of course most SAHMs pursue teaching qualifications, in which case I better hop on that!)

@Dinosauratemydaffodils Yeah, I've got some MH stuff as well so it's potentially depression that makes you undervalue all aspects of your life / what you've achieved.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss I'm in Scotland, so I don't have any loans really - everything is funded by SAAS. This may constitute not self-funding, I'm not sure, but I think if it's free and accessible then on some level I may as well get a degree (particularly as to a certain extent it IS a hobby, in that I'm interested in the coursework).
I wouldn’t be supporting mine through a degree knowing they had no plans to work after What would you advise them to do instead, if they had intentions of being a SAHP?

@notalwaysalondoner If I decide to become a SAHM it will most definitely be a family decision. My husband supports my choice whatever I decide to do (though he does have a mild preference for me becoming a SAHM as he can tell that as of right now, it's my own personal preference). He also has a career with a lot of upwards mobility so though we may struggle a bit for a few years, he'll be earning much more than what I could ever earn realistically.

My DC took many years to come along (fertility issues), and once they finally arrived, DH and I decided jointly that we didn't want to miss any part of them growing up.

I don't really understand how that's compatible with having one SAHP - surely unless you both give up work then one of you has to 'miss out' to the same extent as any other working parent - and potentially more if, as in most families, one not working takes away the option of the other to reduce hours? Surely you didn't miss anything, but your DH did?

I have been both a SAHM and a working mum. I much prefer being at home though. I did childcare before having children though so maybe not a waste of time

Of course not.
I gained all my education as a sahm, every bit of it, every qualification.

OP I think it sounds a bit like you just don’t want to go to work. You say your interests in psychology and philosophy don’t match many careers but ultimately not that many people love their jobs or have jobs that match their interests completely. People go to work because they have to.

I think it’s quite selfish to plan from the start not to help support your family financially. You’ll notice that most of the women on here are SAHMs for a set period of time when it suits the needs of their family and then they generally find work again.

Personally I’ve been through many years of university to qualify me for a demanding job. I might take a few years out or go freelance if I ever have several little ones at home at the same time but I am so grateful that I will always have the option to contribute financially to my household.

I wouldn’t want to put my family in the position of everything riding on the success of my husband. That would be a huge burden for him to bear and god forbid he ever got very ill it could put us all in a difficult position.

Overall I don’t think educating women is ever a waste but I do think not planning to work because you’re not sure if you’ll find something you’ll like just isn’t fair on your partner.

@carrotcakey I don’t think many wives (or their husbands) anticipate SAHM being for the entirety of the working life

I guess that's a discussion that needs to be decided prior to becoming a SAHP in my opinion. Realistically with the intentions of homeschooling and having multiple children (fingers crossed) most of my working years will be spent with my children and not in employment - providing of course that it's what I want to do and works out etc etc. My husband is fine with supporting me as he understands that I provide differently than financially. I definitely understand that it can cause longer term issues for people who need to go back to work though.

@Duanphen Bumbling about at home once the kids have started school - it just makes your brain rot. Also you can see right here the amount of partners who just chuck the mother of their kids out with nothing (and, if not married, can do so.)

Married and planning on home educating. If other women want to be SAHMs while their children are in school, I've got no right to judge. Though I agree and think it's horrendous that people can get away with throwing their families out even with cohabitation rights.

@Didthatreallyhappen2 And by the way, my DH most definitely does not fund my lifestyle! Those comments didn't take long to arrive did they Yes, I definitely wouldn't consider it funding your lifestyle - it's just a swap in terms of responsibilities, and men are often benefitted financially by having career mobility & not paying childcare costs (generally of course). I'm glad you value your education, and you've prioritised what matters to you most!

@CottonHeadedNinyMuggins Incredibly sorry to hear about the heart attack and your caring obligations. I don't have much advice and I'm not sure what is appropriate to say, but I genuinely hope things get easier for you and I'm sorry for your struggles.

In a way yes - a graduate but only proper career was before child (Personnel Manager then moved into Training). Since then (12 yrs out of 'proper work'), I have only worked part time in lovely but low paid retail jobs (NT), and currently p/t caring for a elderly couple. However I have also had the pleasure of watching my child grow up and have found other ways to enrich my life.

I am also very lucky financially not to have too work full time and have left it too late now to resume where I left off all those years ago anyhow.

But by having had a good education I have never found it hard to find a job and hopefully have add to society in otherways!

Having read some of the divorce boards recently. I definitely don't think it's wasted. The amount of woman who after being a sahm for years find themselves having to support themselves when their relationship breaks down. A good education at least gives them some chance of getting better than a minimum wage job. It's never ideal to assume that you can be a sahm for ever. Circumstance can change.

@PinkPlantCase

OP I think it sounds a bit like you just don’t want to go to work. You say your interests in psychology and philosophy don’t match many careers but ultimately not that many people love their jobs or have jobs that match their interests completely. People go to work because they have to.

I think it’s quite selfish to plan from the start not to help support your family financially. You’ll notice that most of the women on here are SAHMs for a set period of time when it suits the needs of their family and then they generally find work again.

Personally I’ve been through many years of university to qualify me for a demanding job. I might take a few years out or go freelance if I ever have several little ones at home at the same time but I am so grateful that I will always have the option to contribute financially to my household.

I wouldn’t want to put my family in the position of everything riding on the success of my husband. That would be a huge burden for him to bear and god forbid he ever got very ill it could put us all in a difficult position.

Overall I don’t think educating women is ever a waste but I do think not planning to work because you’re not sure if you’ll find something you’ll like just isn’t fair on your partner.

I'm going to quote this whole thing as it seems easier to respond to every point.

I don't particularly want to go to work, no. I've expressed that and I have internal difficulties (including a disability) that would make working incredibly difficult for me and probably not very profitable for an employer. If you can think of a job that practically relates to philosophy then that would be great, but the main ones I've found are teachers or lecturers - which I'm not necessarily rejecting, but would require a ton of study and practical work and more higher education.

If you believe it's selfish then that's fine, I can understand that. "For a set period of time when it suits the needs of the family" - if we plan on homeschooling, this would be through the ages of 3-18 (plus having multiple children would mean potentially 25+ years of being needed). I'm sure you'll argue that I could homeschool part time or work part time, but educating is something I really want to do properly and can't take lightly / take risks with.

My husband is supported by his work fully if he becomes sick, disabled or (god forbid) dies and I will be supported by that too. The financial obligations are predominantly on him and the personal / familial obligations would mostly be on me but we could shift this if things needed to change- his "burden" makes him happy as this is a career he has desired since he was a small child. I can understand your perspective and I'm grateful to hear it, but a lot of thought has gone into this (and will continue to go into it for the future).

What would you advise them to do instead, if they had intentions of being a SAHP

Not to do the degree as just a waste of time and resources.

I’d not be happy with their choice to not work though. Relationships break down all the time and with no work ethic or experience how would they support themselves let alone children. They don’t have to have a high flying career but at least do some form of job rather than rely on others to provide for them.

@Akrotiri1 You've definitely added to society in other ways, through work and also enriching your own life. Can't fill someone else's cup unless you fill yours first! I'm glad you experience the positives of being a SAHM and can also see the value of higher education - I feel very privileged to come from a country where it's free and accessible (or else I may have had a much more difficult time when it came to decision making).

@Crazycrazylady That's true - even if qualifications depreciate with time, it's still useful to be able to prove to a certain extent that you have the capacity to study again if you need to (whether through divorce or choosing to re-enter the job market for example)

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss I’d not be happy with their choice to not work though. Relationships break down all the time and with no work ethic or experience how would they support themselves let alone children. They don’t have to have a high flying career but at least do some form of job rather than rely on others to provide for them.

Fair enough, honestly. If this is your view then it's your view - of course I will always advocate for supporting your children even if you don't necessarily agree with their life choices (bar criminal or immoral activity obviously) but if you don't agree with the SAHM lifestyle in general then I won't argue anyone's corner. I think we should all just try and be appreciative of the fact that we have an option to decide, as many women don't - I feel very lucky to live in a generation where I can try to adopt the positives of a more "traditional" lifestyle without necessarily adopting all of the 1960s and prior ethics.

The point is though that you would not only be capable of doing a job that relates to philosophy and psychology. If you want to work with children why not consider working as a Nanny or a Nursery Nurse? Working with at forest school etc? Gaining skills that could let you deliver workshops with children on a freelance basis, once you start thinking there really are a lot of options!

@PinkPlantCase I guess I'd be willing to do them vocationally or on a volunteer basis, I'm just not sure on the job element. But I agree, and I'm not ruling out working all together.

You are lucky to be living in Scotland which allows you a free university education. Except it is not ‘free’ is it, Scottish tax payers are paying for it. If you don’t intend ever working for a living you won’t ever be paying back via tax system.

I find it very interesting reading these comments.

I have a husband who has three degrees and has never had a full time job. He works a little bit but it’s a pretty negligible part of our finances (he makes maybe 5-10k a year in a really good year).

Sometimes I resent him a little and think he’s wasted his brain a bit. He’s very smart very well read and cultured. On the other hand he’s a fantastic father and he does look after the house. I feel the weight of being solely responsible for the finances quite heavy at the moment.

Also I am aware he must have partly married me because I can support his desire to not work. I don’t know if men mind this, I suspect not due to the socialisation we’ve had that that’s fine for women.

Overall - pro education for everyone and pro SAHPs. So I guess my ramblings don’t really mean much!

I guess I'm fortunate that I'm very enthusiastic about the idea of being a SAHM, as if I wasn't I would have to put off having children (we earn enough to support ourselves and a child, but would have to wait if there were all of the childcare costs associated with me working)

I think this rings some alarm bells - if the family budget doesn't support childcare costs is it really realistic for your DH to support you, him and multiple children permanently? They don't stay as tiny, cheap babies and if you're home schooling then I think it's really important to have the spare money for extra-curriculars etc - people are quick to say that money isn't as important as parental time and there's some truth to this but on the other hand there's a lot that children have to miss out in terms of opportunities if money is really tight. For me one of the many reasons we both work is because although we could live off one salary it wouldn't be in a way, an area, etc that's how I want to raise my children.

@AandE You are lucky to be living in Scotland which allows you a free university education. Except it is not ‘free’ is it, Scottish tax payers are paying for it. If you don’t intend ever working for a living you won’t ever be paying back via tax system.

I agree, in terms of income tax I wouldn't be paying it back. But on some level I'd be paying it back through tax on the things I buy, and also wouldn't be putting my child (/ren) through state school which I think might cost more than my degree.

@CarlottaValdez I like hearing your "ramblings", and it's good to listen to people on the opposite end of SAHPs (e.g. those who provide the financial support). Does your DH ever feel like he's wasted himself / his education? Would you prefer if he worked full time or to a higher capacity?

@Hardbackwriter DH is entitled to guaranteed pay rises and has a ton of capacity for promotion (which is often recommended and supported in his line of work). We're not on a massively high income at the moment, but we're earning enough to facilitate the livelihoods of ourselves and potential children while putting some money away. Children aren't in the immediate future and so if I chose to work now I could, but on the whole it's more convenient (and preferable for both of us for right now) if I'm a SAHM down the line.

It's not for me, I like working for a start! Parenting small children so transient, then what? Youve deskilled and unlikely to walk into a decent job without more effort

Also you leave yourself wde open to be left in the shit should your relationship break and your DP is an arse. My best friend was a SAHP she ended up broke, deskilled, unable to work many jobs as she had to collect her child as her ex refused to support. She invested her share in her house sale to a new home for her and child, but had to use him on the mortgage as she had no income, now he's not only taken his share of the family home, but because he's on the mortgage (not paying it though t!) he's threatening taking her share which is now invested into her home because she ws stuffed in her situation and needed him just to be on the mortgage, she earns the money to pay. This is not to mention the fact he's no longer paying any maintenance, she's been left with his debts. He's lied, cheated, stolen money and got her into debt and is still trying to screw her over

I've other friends who have been left in the shit all because they trusted their partner to do the right thing and got stuffed