To ask DP to look after DD (at school/after school club) while I provide live in care for DM over next few weeks?

[HarveysPJs]

DP has a demanding job and is concerned that school run will take two hours out of his day. Also concerned about impact on DD if I’m away for a few weeks. DM needs 2 months of care following major surgery.

So removing a 9 year old from her school after months off, try and home school her whilst caring for a immobile person whilst running around after a 18 month old. Oh, and she doesn’t get to see her dad for weeks either.

Fab idea.

DD has after school clubs too. So for a large part of the day she's happy and entertained. She's young so goes to bed early so a bit of dinner and tv and that's it apart from the school run.

He's working from home and choosing to work extra hours. It's not giving up his whole job forever and it's not even all week. She asked for two or three days for him to do the school runs

Clearly everyone has missed the threads here where women who wfh are expected to do all the childcare when the children are off. Some of them had big jobs too.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl I’m still curious as to why you can’t have a “big job” if you work shifts. As a shift worker, that’s tickled me. I consider myself to have a fairly “big job”.

It also shows how some people consider shift work to just be menial work.

@HarveysPJs

DD is 9, I am concerned about the impact on her

Then you need to put your daughter first and go home. 2 months is way too long for this sort of an arrangement. If my spouse did this I would tell him to jist stay dear with momma and not come back at all

Ypu must be so worried. But .. you can’t take your child out of school OP. Be realistic.

And your partner’s concerns about his employer’s reaction are reasonable in this climate. This is the job that allows you to be a SAHM to a school-aged child, after all. You can’t have it both ways.

Your mother needs to accept carers. I understand that she’s feeling ill and fearful about the surgery, but she can’t possibly think it’s ok to refuse care and put pressure on your family instead. You can visit at weekends. Your siblings (if geographically closer) can visit after work. She’ll be ok.

I hope the op goes well.

@Nicknacky

MarriedtoDaveGrohl I’m still curious as to why you can’t have a “big job” if you work shifts. As a shift worker, that’s tickled me. I consider myself to have a fairly “big job”.

It also shows how some people consider shift work to just be menial work.

I'm open to hearing about big jobs (I'm Thinking corporate that requires you to put in extra hours just to stay in the game). At the moment hospitality isn't happening but senior level hotel management could be shift work I guess? Or running a restaurant. Or a chef. I suppose when I think about careers I think corporate/financial. Anyone I know that makes a lot of money does so in daytime jobs. You can have a lot of responsibility in shift work but apart from a few exceptions it's not massive money.

And certainly doesn't usually involve wfh unless you are dealing with different time zones eg the US.

But I don't consider shift work to be menial work. My apologies if I gave you that impression. I consider it to be bloody hard work but I don't think menial when I think shift work. It's just less likely to be corporate s as bf it sounds like the OPs DH is in a corporate role, one that he chooses to work long hours in.

@Nicknacky

So removing a 9 year old from her school after months off, try and home school her whilst caring for a immobile person whilst running around after a 18 month old. Oh, and she doesn’t get to see her dad for weeks either.

Fab idea.

Don't you realize that dad's are useless

leannb Oh I learnt that on MN years ago!

MarriedtoDaveGrohl It shows your lack of imagination if you can only think of corporate roles or hospitality. Although you also think that employees haven’t been taking leave as they couldn’t go away!

My work were very clear that annual leave was to be taken as it was to get a break from work, not just to go abroad or away anywhere.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl...In my world a CRNA is very well paid and also shift work. Never know when you will have a survery

Goodness there’s an angry poster on here.

OP there’s no need to uproot things as dramatically as you suggest. Your siblings can also drop in. You can go during the school day - see if you can arrange a couple more after school clubs and there’ll be less rushing.

Your DH can cover one or two days pick-ups. He may then be online later but he’ll survive. The 2 month plan is ridiculous.

dm is 75 and anxious

Oh my lord. 75 is not that old. My parents are similar age and would never expect my siblings and I to spend 2 months living with him to provide a low level of care.

Your mum needs to get over it and sort some sort of mixture eg your sis who's a teacher could go on a weekend and check on her, you & your DB each go one day in the week. Between times have a cleaner pop in a couple of times eg on bin day to do bins, get her all set with some cook meals, ask neighbours to knock on the door & check on her at distance a couple of times a week, get a local care assistance provider/district nurse to pop in 3 or 4 times a week to change dressings or what have you.

You may not WOHM but you have a role in your own family. Your DHs half of the contract is he works long hours outside the home & brings in the money, your half is that you do the school runs & toddler care & housework.

You can't just check out of your responsibilities at home, just as he can't decide he wont bother earning money for 2 months & expect you to instantly cover all the bills.

[quote Leaannb]@MarriedtoDaveGrohl...In my world a CRNA is very well paid and also shift work. Never know when you will have a survery[/quote]
Forgive my ignorance but what's a CRNA? And how does it relate to surveys?

I think you need to look at some kind of daily home help arrangement that should keep everything bowling along satisfactorily and you/dB turn up and maybe stay overnight so you do a couple of days each. Hopefully in a few weeks when it's all settled down she could come to stay with you? 2 months is too long to be away

Oh just looked it up. Doctor level stuff in a hospital. I did mention medical! I in no way consider the highly qualified nurses to be menial. Don't put words on my mouth - not everyone knows the ins and outs of senior roles in hospitals.

Two months is not too long. How many months years did she look after you? Your daughter is nine years, not nine months. She can call and talk, share her day, say goodnight, etc. Her father, your husband, can just step up for once. Unless he is a cabinet minister his job is not more important than his family and his MIL is part of the family.

OP, I expect to see you back in a few months complaining that he can’t support you because he’s got the sack for not sticking in the hours...

GeorgiaGirl52 So you would have no issue at all with your H going away for two months with your toddler and leaving you with your eldest when it wasn’t necessary?

My H wouldn’t even consider asking me to do that.

I’m very grateful for all the replies on here - thank you. With lockdown just announced and the infection rate rising, it’s a dilemma. It’s not easy for anyone. Myself, DB and DSis all have children at school - so a mix of the three of us here is going to be risky. The hospital were very much persuading mum to use family care, I’m not sure the resources are there - and I know my mum wouldn’t be comfortable with strangers in her house. DB also said initially that he could provide care for the 2 months, but he now appears to be very stressed about this.

Very difficult times indeed. The NHS is on its knees currently. A lockdown except for schools makes things more difficult and if you all have children at school it's equally difficult and maybe risky for mum. But the risk from carers who look after multiple people is also there. Will your husband WFH full time do you think? Or your DB? DSis?

Is there any way she can move into one of your homes? Or too risky?

It's the first two weeks and especially the first week that count. As many others have said she doesn't need full time care once she's recovered and out of bed and that's two weeks (maybe less if she's healthy and fit). She doesn't need you to move there for two months surely?

Someone suggested an air bnb nearby and that's not a bad idea. I lived in them when I had a house purchase delayed and many have absolutely everything you need in them. Books, sky, the lot.

I would take her OP. Email the head and explain. Ensure she is back for January. Home school her to your best ability.

I don’t understand why you can’t head off after your Dd is at school, spend a couple of hours doing whatever needs doing, maybe 3 or 4 times a week.

My mother had 2 large sections of her bowel removed within the last year. Blood thinning injections for 2 weeks.

The district nurses visited every day for the first three days post discharge, then a couple more times. I went over and washed up, did her shopping and errands, washing, put bins out, maybe 3 or 4 times a week. Called her often (we went into lockdown during the chemo part of the treatment) and did what I could, but wouldn’t think that moving in for two months would be necessary or good for your Dd and Dp.
So long as can shuffle around, then she may be ok looking after herself. Will probably be feeling tired and more sleepy, and so not really needing so much help with mobility.

Might lockdown make it easier for your DB? Everyone encouraged to WFH... he could work from your mum’s?

(Tongue in cheek suggestion- send your DH to WFH at your mum’s and provide support!)

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl thank you so much. Mum has a big house - 18mnth old is just a joy, and she loves having him around - she’d also enjoy having DD here. My profession is as a teacher, so homeschooling is ok - but I don’t want to deprive DD of her friends/school. I’m concerned about infection rate over next 6 weeks.

Lockdown will make it safer for you all to share the care in fact as you will have less risky contacts.

The hospital can persuade and hint all they like but the duty is on them to arrange safe care to enable discharge. I advise family should
not promise what they may not be able to deliver. I suggest you push for at least a few weeks reablement care as a back up if nothing else.

@Janleverton - she lives 2 hours away - so four hour round trip in a day (if traffic is good) - with DS 18months.