To ask DP to look after DD (at school/after school club) while I provide live in care for DM over next few weeks?

[HarveysPJs]

DP has a demanding job and is concerned that school run will take two hours out of his day. Also concerned about impact on DD if I’m away for a few weeks. DM needs 2 months of care following major surgery.

hatgirl

🤷🏻‍♀️ The age range of people using MN is probably 20-75? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to suggest a significant number will no longer have parents to worry about.

@flaviaritt

hatgirl

🤷🏻‍♀️ The age range of people using MN is probably 20-75? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to suggest a significant number will no longer have parents to worry about.

I would have thought that those who no longer have parents to worry about are most likely to be the ones that will know exactly how it feels to have the dilemma the OP is currently having.

I would have thought that those who no longer have parents to worry about are most likely to be the ones that will know exactly how it feels to have the dilemma the OP is currently having.

Possibly. I’m not seeing a lot of that, though.

I think 2 months would be way too long to be away, both given your H’s working hours and that he’s sole family earner, and with respect to your DD’s needs.

YABVU too to take DD out of school.

I think YABVU to take your daughter out of school.

@LittleBearPad I’m going to speak to the school - they know me, know the work my daughter did during lockdown, know my DD, the know I’m a primary school teacher - so I will do what they advise.

It has nothing to do with your ability to educate your daughter - more that you are isolating her from her friends when there are other options.

And whilst your mother may love her grandchildren, having them in her house when she’s recovering from surgery and wants peace and quiet is unlikely to be her preferred option.

You can drive there and back again in a school day, you have two other siblings.

District Nurses can give her injections, I see no reason why you need to be there for 2 months, a few days perhaps, any longer is unreasonable and quite frankly not warranted if she is normally independent and self caring. You have siblings, share the responsibility.

@LittleBearPad

It has nothing to do with your ability to educate your daughter - more that you are isolating her from her friends when there are other options.

And whilst your mother may love her grandchildren, having them in her house when she’s recovering from surgery and wants peace and quiet is unlikely to be her preferred option.

You can drive there and back again in a school day, you have two other siblings.

Definitely. It genuinely astounds me that anyone would suggest it's reasonable for a child who must already have had months of missed school this year can rack up a couple more, no big deal.

I think 2 months may not be manageable. A few weeks may well be. Is your husband able to alter/ reduce his hours (not all of us have jobs where we can take parental leave or reduce our hours when we choose). If he can make changes then he should, obviously. But I could not- sometimes I have to work late and I don’t get the choice just to leave when my shift finishes, so I do understand that he may not be able to.

Are there any other choices? For example, is there anyone who could help, even for part of the time? Could she manage if you stayed the first few weeks and then with a care package after that? We do discharge people who have no cadets with extra support if needed.

I think expecting him to manage entirely (it won’t just be looking after DD, it will be housework/meals/shopping) whilst working full time and long hours, may not be sensible. I think your DD will struggle too. Perhaps there is no other option, but i do think you should explore whether other options are available.

I’d also say that unless your DH has a very secure job, I’d be very wary of doing anything which may impact his performance or ability to do his job. Especially because he is the sole server for your family. In the current climate I think you have to be cautious.

flaviaritt I’ve been in a similar position. My kids were 9 and 2 when I took 7 weeks off work to help care for my mum.

But I had to do it around my own families needs as those needs didn’t just disappear when my mum was ill and I fully expected my sister to also chip in.

I wouldn’t have considered doing what the op is doing, it’s unfair and unnecessary on her children even if she is a primary teacher by trade.

@nickynacky - could you let me know what is unfair/unnecessary - I am trying to justify my actions to myself - and it is helpful to hear the negative.

Haven’t you read the thread? You are blinkered and are ignoring the posts that don’t agree with you

2 months is too long. Your husband doesn’t sound on board to help your daughter and work takes precedent over his life. I wouldn’t leave my child with him even though he’s the dad. He doesn’t sound like one who will step up for his own kid. Can you pull her from school and take her. Just tell the school it’s unusual Covid times circumstances. Too bad the school if they get huffy. Rather that than leave your kid for two months. I wouldn’t trust the dad. Sorry

Have you spoken to your mother about what she actually wants?

It seems like your taking massive changing steps in response to a situation which doesn’t need half the amount of input as you seem to want to provide.

Just need to speak to DM now and see how she feels.

Why wasn’t she first on the list, OP?

I think I have listened - I initially proposed 2 months, but I said I’m going to seek advice from the school and keep her off this week to see if this works best. I don’t want to keep her away from her friends - but I do believe I can homeschool her successfully education wise. I’ve just spoken with another school friend who is considering not sending her son in because of how the Covid situation is developing. I’m going to be fluid in what I arrange it’s not ‘I’m taking her out for 2 months’.

My DM is hugely in favour of this - and I didn’t want to give her false hope, if my DP and DD weren’t happy with the arrangement. That’s why I spoke to DD and DP first.

But if your mum needs so much care you have to drop everything and move in with her then how can you properly homeschool?

Sounds very unfair on everyone including you. It’s not a realistic plan.

I just don’t see how you can homeschool effectively whilst providing care for an immobile person and look after a 18 month old at the same time.

I mean, if it was absolutely unavoidable then yes, you could cobble something together but you are choosing to cause this disruption to your daughter.

If DD is unhappy and the school don’t agree then I will work out an alternative arrangement.

You are now putting the emphasis on your daughter saying she is happy to do it. If I told my kids they were no longer going to school they would probably be ecstatic.

The same level of happiness if I told them they were having ice cream for dinner or bed times were abolished. It doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for them.

DM is not immobile, I’m providing care at various stages during day. DS is pretty easy going, and DD is very able, enjoys her school work and quite a pleasure to teach.