To ask DP to look after DD (at school/after school club) while I provide live in care for DM over next few weeks?

[HarveysPJs]

DP has a demanding job and is concerned that school run will take two hours out of his day. Also concerned about impact on DD if I’m away for a few weeks. DM needs 2 months of care following major surgery.

I know my mum wouldn’t be comfortable with strangers in her house

My MIL felt that way initially, but when it came to it, she was fine. The carers were really warm and friendly, and in the end I think she quite enjoyed their visits. They were doing much the same sort of thing for her as your DM needs.

[quote HarveysPJs]@Janleverton - she lives 2 hours away - so four hour round trip in a day (if traffic is good) - with DS 18months.[/quote]
Ah - had missed the 18 month old.

Arrange a home help to go in a couple of times a week, arrange for carers to go in. Organise deliveries of shopping/hot meals. You could be there on the day it arrives to put it away.

What you are suggesting is not feasible with your own family and your DM shouldn't consider letting you do this.

Firstly, this thread is showing the value and support a SAHM actually brings into the family dynamic.

I'm in a similar situation. Mum is going to need a lot of care over the next few months and I live 250 miles away with primary aged children, work PT and stressed out CEO husband.

We are just all going to have to muck in.

Is there a childminder you can have on standby? Mine is doing extra pick ups as required. DH will have to pick children up, feed them and carry on working when they're home. And have them at weekends

I'm going to have to do some through the night/early morning drives and stock up the freezer with batch cooking etc.

I'd definitely say get the carers on that you can. Get her an Apple Watch or put cameras in her house so you can check up on her. Or a panic alarm. You could possibly move in for a week of DH can take leave. Or your brother can take leave too and you go for the Christmas hols with the kids.

You'll work it out but it will be crazy.

Thanks @CommanderBurnham - and to all for great practical advice. It is team work and DSis has been organising food delivery slots, had great suggestion for getting her milk in - which we put in place today. It’s very tempting to bring DD here and homeschool - I feel quite scared about infection rates over next 6 weeks. We are all well, DD won’t return to school so no virus fear.

There are three adult children to provide care for your mum, not just you. You will need to work it out between you. Many of us work and also have caring responsibilities. It is simply not feasible to leave your family for so long.

To the PPs who keep criticising the DP for not ‘parenting’.....he pays for every damn thing his kids eat/wear/shelter under. That’s parenting, fuckwits. So many idiots who think paying for your kids isn’t a fundamental part of parenting.

Why will your dd not be going to school? Is she ECV?

Absolutely trixie like the sneery posts who think the working parents should do that plus the usual sahp tasks 'to see how hard running a house is' can imagine the vitriol should someone in response suggest the sahp gets a job to see what the world of work is like!

Cannot believe you are thinking your best option is to pull your 9 year old out of school for 2 months for this.

If my daughter catches the virus at school (who don’t have good social distancing measures in place), and I pass it on to my mum as her main carer - my mum will probably die - a very unpleasant death. The infection rate is soaring. I would rather pay a fine, and keep her off school for the next few weeks.

Just jumping in on a practical note, 're bins. If your DM can get a brief letter from a medical professional to back up that she has issues with moving and handling for the bins, she may get an assisted bin lift especially if its the council who organise bins in the area. So with my assisted lift, the bin men will go around the back of the house and take the bins out and empty and replace back to the original position (I have it due to mobility problems)

@HarveysPJs have you not thought that your DB and DSis could also pass on the virus to your mother?

Also, how can you fully care for her whilst looking after your own children at the same time (one of which is a toddler)?

I think you can’t do it. it’s grossly unfair to your daughter and husband.
Even my - very generous- employer wouldn’t give me that much slack. 2 weeks, yes. 2 months end of the year - no way!
And removing your daughter from school for 2 months makes it very clear to her how important her own needs and her education is for a girl - not at all. it’s something to give up immediately when any social need arises. Do you want her to learn that?? Because that’s the message you are sending loud and clear.
Stay for 2 weeks, and get carers involved for the rest.

@ohnothisagain this isn’t just ‘any social need’. My daughter has probably had about 2 or 3 days off school in the last 6 years. I’m a primary school teacher myself with more than 20 years experience. This is a pandemic, with infection rates soaring, the NHS will be at breaking point soon and I think sourcing alternative care for her will be incredibly difficult and perhaps not even there, if she gets the virus she will be very ill. She adores her grandchildren - if I can teach a class of 30 children, I can look after 2 children and my DM...

You are right - it isn’t a social need. it is a social want, as there are care options available.
She won’t be able to interact with another child for 2 months, likely spend time looking after her sibling. she’ll get some sort of education, but has a high chance of loosing her place at school.
Try to find a childminder or nanny who can do the school run for you at home. taking her out of school sends a very clear signal, and not a goid one.

@ohnothisagain it’s not a social ‘want’ - and please explain to me how I can arrange adequate care. She needs love and support, and someone just nearby when she has a full stoma bag in the middle of night, or someone to order cream because she’s developing a rash. Have you heard the latest news, do you realise how stretched our NHS are, and from my very recent experience in hospital where an entire ward had to be moved due to what’s coming - do you think I’ll just be able to magic NHS care or a childminder for next week when we are going into lockdown and the country is in crisis. The signal my DD hopefully will get is that family come first, that we care deeply for each other - and we can make a sacrifice for a few weeks if it potentially saves someone’s life.

Op l really feel you have made your decision and your daughters will definitely be missing in total 4 months of time with their father/school, as any advice or information other than 'your husbands a lazy wanker, your daughter needs to learn how important family is' you don't want to hear. If family is so important, as pp have said why don't one of your siblings help out?

I'm surprised at how many people think it's unreasonable to expect the DH to step up in this situation

My biggest concern would be how the dd would cope with mum's absence, as she is obviously the primary carer

Your concerns and surprise are the wrong way round. Most people could not take this amount of time off at short notice - it is not a reflection on whether they are a good or supportive partner or parent. As the sole breadwinner they may not be able to afford unpaid leave for 2 months.
He may even be risking his job. Even if not directly at risk, it could have a very big effect on his ongoing career, office politics, work stress etc., which could in turn affect the family.

Why would a 9 year old not be able to cope without her mother for a few weeks?
Yes, of course she would miss her but there shouldn’t be an “impact” on the child. Her mother is only going to be two hours away.

OP, you should mute this thread and ignore these people. Half of them won’t have parents, and a good number of those berating you wouldn’t behave in the ways they are suggesting. Those who would... well, you don’t need their advice, do you? Do what you and your husband think is right and can compromise on.

Caveat to the last point be that she will be at home with her father

Op l really feel you have made your decision and your daughters will definitely be missing in total 4 months of time with their father/school, as any advice or information other than 'your husbands a lazy wanker, your daughter needs to learn how important family is' you don't want to hear. If family is so important, as pp have said why don't one of your siblings help out?
I agree with you.
It seems like the thread is more seeking backing to tell DP he is unreasonable for not being able to drop everything around OP's siblings' much more important jobs and family life.

There's OP, her sister and her brother. Why should one household end up taking on all the mental, emotional and potentially financial load?

Well - I’ve spoken to DP, I’ve spoken to my daughter. Daughter is very excited to come here, I’m going to speak to school Monday. Depending on what school say, I will only do this for next week - or longer if they think homeschooling in this situation is ok. DP is in agreement. I will arrange daily zoom catch up with her friends. Just need to speak to DM now and see how she feels. Thank you to everyone in this thread, positive and negative / it’s really helped me to think this through.

Sounds good to me, OP.

Half of them won’t have parents

Surely DH can get some help from friends and neighbours? Can he arrange for someone to collect and drop off DD in the morning and evenings a couple of days a week? He can return the favour on other days.
At 9 DD won't need all that much "looking after" in the evenings.
It's perfectly doable, and won't harm DD in the least. She'll probably enjoy stepping up and taking a little bit of responsibility in the house too.