To ask DP to look after DD (at school/after school club) while I provide live in care for DM over next few weeks?

[HarveysPJs]

DP has a demanding job and is concerned that school run will take two hours out of his day. Also concerned about impact on DD if I’m away for a few weeks. DM needs 2 months of care following major surgery.

Sirzy
This thread in places is starting to feel like the ones about marriage being a legal contract / why it's reasonable to expect both parents to split things equitably.
There's almost always posters falling over themselves to argue that there's no risk giving up financial independence, they want to be a SAHP, that the SAHP/breadwinner set up works for them. The second anyone suggests caution or to consider what if, they're jumped on and then if and when those 'what ifs' happen people are seemingly surprised that putting all your eggs in one basket has consequences.

Personally I couldn't care less how different people choose to structure their family, but find it bizarre how many people won't accept the negative consequences of their choices (eg. Marriage is a piece of paper but now we are splitting I want access to his pension and all his assets because I SAH / We chose a SAHP and breadwinner set up but when it doesnt suit me I'll claim DP is unreasonable for not wanting to do his job and pick up most of my house duties for a few months)

@Nicknacky

He isn’t refusing “full stop”. I would struggle to do what the op is asking for and I work shifts with an understanding boss.

So many people assuming they know the husbands job better than he does......

Yes, there's been a fair amount of bullshitting on that point.

This is the latest from DP
DP is saying that 2 or 3 days is too big an ask. Was thinking I could ask DB to do a couple of days (unreliable) me a couple of days, and leave DM for a few days. Maybe if I say I’ll do Friday and a weekend. Friday is bin/shopping day.

So no he's very kindly offering for her to do it all on weekends so he keeps all his free time. And two hours once a week.

So her daughter will be collected and fed but not much else by the sounds of it and will then have to entertain herself for chunks of the weekend too for a few months, plus not see her Mom or submitting for months? And then again after Christmas.

And sometimes those are the things we have to do for family. I’m not necessarily saying it’s the best solution here, but the OP’s DD having her basic needs met for a few weeks won’t hurt her.

There is also the assumption that the OP can drop everything to spare her siblings from stepping up in any way. So one family out of 3 gets to carry the full load so that the other two are not interrupted. Tbh if I was her DH I’d be wondering why I had the pick up the full burden to allow my partner to look after her DM to allow my BIL and SIL to continue to work. All the siblings should step up.

@flaviaritt

So her daughter will be collected and fed but not much else by the sounds of it and will then have to entertain herself for chunks of the weekend too for a few months, plus not see her Mom or submitting for months? And then again after Christmas.

And sometimes those are the things we have to do for family. I’m not necessarily saying it’s the best solution here, but the OP’s DD having her basic needs met for a few weeks won’t hurt her.

4 months. All being well.

Holyrivioli Especially when her brother gets a free pass as he’s too busy with work and children, but her H is getting ripped apart for having similar reasons!

A hospital cannot discharge someone unable to move or feed themselves without a care package. There is a duty of care. Up to 6 weeks 'reablement' is usually provided free by the NHS. The only way this would be waived is if the person can reassure the hospital that they can cope or have family support. You would not be discharged until you are in a fit state to be left alone for a few hours. If you aren't you would go to respite care or an interim bed. What do people think happens to patients without SAHP daughters?

If you and your mum refuse free help then I think that is a bit silly. The carers will be taking precautions and wearing PPE. They are probably less of an infection risk than family with school aged kids.
There is just no need for 2 months full time live in care.

Why are bins such an issue? Most people's neighbours will push a bin to the end of the drive and back to help a neighbour and the handle can then be wiped

Shopping- you can get it delivered.
Washing up and clothes wash carers will do if mum can't
The only thing carers won't usually do is clean

Of course you want to help your mum and see her more often after she's had this op but with 2 siblings as well if you all visit a few times a week then someone will be there every day for a while which should be all that's required.
You don't need a 24-7 rota.
Otherwise no-one who didn't have children able to take 2 months out of their lives could have a major op.

Seems like you are saying DH has been supportive so far and he is not unreasonable not to agree to you doing 2 months full time support and him taking over your whole role in your own home whilst working. I would push back on that too if I were him.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl
He wouldn't have his free time because he would have the children.

It seems like the expectation from OP's family is that Mum wants care but not carers, brother and sister work so couldn't possibly do their share, brother is unreliable and that's just acceped. Meanwhile because the OP doesn't work, her and her DP should fundamentally shift their whole family life around, her DP should be demanding changes at work, her DP should be willing to shift everything around so the OP can disappear for 2 months.

If I was the DP I'd be saying no way. I'd be more than happy to make flexible requests to support my DP in additional caring duties, on the understanding that their family was doing their fair share.

He has according to the OP a big job. Now perhaps he is a hospital consultant or a surgeon. Otherwise shift work isn't a 'big job'. And he WFH so it's highly unlikely he's a doctor.

I personally think that being a SAHM is financially risky and once the children are a certain age everyone is happier if both parents work. But equally it's not my business if people chose not to as long as that's a joint decision. Many men resent bearing the full financial load and want working wives.

But where it goes wrong is when a man expects his wife to do ALL of the parenting, housework and organising. She's not his personal slave. Out of working hours decent men pull their weight and in exceptional circumstances like this step up and offer support willingly. Everyone is talking like she expects him to do everything for ever and that's not the case.

OP I can see you feel like he's not supporting you. You might have to be less about ask and more about tell. You need to in the first two weeks see you mum most days. Your DB can DSis can do weekends. H can give up two hours to go the school runs or you can try and arrange lifts with other parents.

Having some stranger shove shit food through her front door and otherwise only seeing her weekends when she's recovering from a major operation isn't an option.

You need to be an equal in this marriage. And you need to get back to work as currently it's all about him.

@LolaSmiles MarriedtoDaveGrohl
He wouldn't have his free time because he would have the children

I'm not sure he would. I think that's the point of it. She would have the 18 month old anyway (hence wanting to go and stay) and the 7 year old would be with mummy as usual.

DB and DSis can be roped in for weekends too. Everyone needs to give here including the man who married her for better or for worse and who only gets to do his big job and have children because he has a domestic servant wife.

MarriedroDaveGrohl

How is shift work not a “big job”? I would be even less flexible if I was Monday to Friday. Many of my colleagues are the sole breadwinners in their house holds.

You have issues.

Or the main one.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl Why doesn’t her brother have to help during the week if everyone had to “give”?

Let's also not forget

The reason the OP and Mum is reluctant to get carers is because of coronavirus. She's 75.

Who is going to wipe the groceries and put them away? Mum after a major operation? Has anyone here ever had an operation? You aren't picking up shipping bags and chopping up veg after. Hospitals will discharge you ASAP to the care of your family. Old people are not a priority right now and the NHS has no money. Neither do councils.

@Nicknacky

MarriedroDaveGrohl

How is shift work not a “big job”? I would be even less flexible if I was Monday to Friday. Many of my colleagues are the sole breadwinners in their house holds.

You have issues.

Issues. Yes of course I have. But he works from home so how does he have a shift work job? Grow up.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl I’m just curious as to your statement that having a job that involves shifts means it’s not a “big job”? I’m wondering in general terms as you have said it, not me.

And again, why does her brother not have to interrupt his “big job” to help his own mother?

[quote MarriedtoDaveGrohl]@LolaSmiles it's for two fucking months with the bulk of it in 2 weeks. God how depressing women still think like this. No wonder so bang men act like entitled kings.

During working hours you both work. Outside of those hours there had to be a split. I've worked full time for years and would give anything to have a 'wife' to do it all at home. Working us a piece of cake compared to being a SAHP.[/quote]
Don't be ridiculous. I've both worked for decades and been a SAHM. Give me the SAHM life any day. Not because it's easy but because it gives you control over your life, massive flexibility and you're your own boss.

I have no idea what sort of job you've ever had to think that being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

Let's also not forget

The reason the OP and Mum is reluctant to get carers is because of coronavirus. She's 75.

Who is going to wipe the groceries and put them away? Mum after a major operation? Has anyone here ever had an operation? You aren't picking up shipping bags and chopping up veg after. Hospitals will discharge you ASAP to the care of your family. Old people are not a priority right now and the NHS has no money. Neither do councils.

No they won’t. They will only discharge to family if the family say they are able to.

My Dad worked in elderly care for his whole carer and his advice to relatives was never say you can provide all the care at home because then it will be seen as an easy out for the services. Say you can nip in a few times a week or whatever but don’t take on the bulk of the care unless your genuinely in a position to do it all.

I think sometimes family feel guilted into taking on a lot more than is actually possible. It’s very easy to slip out of the daughter role and end up just being the carer.

A hospital cannot discharge someone unable to move or feed themselves without a care package. There is a duty of care. Up to 6 weeks 'reablement' is usually provided free by the NHS. The only way this would be waived is if the person can reassure the hospital that they can cope or have family support. You would not be discharged until you are in a fit state to be left alone for a few hours. If you aren't you would go to respite care or an interim bed. What do people think happens to patients without SAHP daughters?

That’s the theory. The practice is something very different. When faced with a similar situation I had to take unpaid leave to move in and look after mine.

It seems like the expectation from OP's family is that Mum wants care but not carers, brother and sister work so couldn't possibly do their share, brother is unreliable and that's just acceped. Meanwhile because the OP doesn't work, her and her DP should fundamentally shift their whole family life around, her DP should be demanding changes at work, her DP should be willing to shift everything around so the OP can disappear for 2 months.

Yes, this is a good point. The entire burden here is to be shouldered by OPs household. DM has two other children.

OP
I’m afraid your mums refusal regards carers is very common. Despite what she may think she isn’t independent if she needs your help or any help.
Have you spoken to the hospital about her returning home and a needs assessment?
She has to understand now is the time for help and it is a huge undertaking for you.
If you commit to this it will be a huge strain to you and your family, a rota with your DB/DSis would be better, also find out if there is a community response team; they can help with shopping/prescriptions etc

But it's not what she's asking, is it? She's asking for 2 or 3 days a week for him to do school runs.

She's also asking her siblings.

I don't understand this thread at all. People saying being a SAHM is easy. That it means her husband should never lift a finger, but then saying she shouldn't be expected to look after her mum because her working siblings should do it.

But it's ok for her to do weekends but not her working siblings.

That her mum should be looked after by strangers after an operation even though it puts her at Additional risk of catching Covid-19 (when we aren't even allowed to socialise with other households) and she should have a person in her house that has visited god knows how many other homes that week.

I think it's callous as fuck tbh. Can't believe that you all think it's ok to do this to your mother because your husband doesn't want to do the school run for two fucking weeks.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl But she is expecting her husband to turn his work life upside down and doesn’t expect her brother to help at all. How is that fair?

It’s not two fucking weeks. It’s two months then the same again after Christmas.

I wouldn’t expect this of my husband and I couldn’t do it either. I would expect all siblings to muck in.

Homeschool your daughter and take her to,your mums with you and leave your husband alone at home to be able to work without added stress and help to keep a roof over your head