My daughter has become terrified of our neighbour.

[Tillygetsit]

We have a very sweet old lady who has lived next door to us ever since we moved to this house 7 years ago. She often in the past has popped in for coffee, brought the dcs presents and us runner beans from her garden. She wouldn't hurt a fly.
Obviously we haven't seen as much of her with the Covid situation, just the odd wave and me phoning to see if she wants anything from the shops. She doesn't as she has nearby family but it's an excuse to chat and keep contact.
She often waves at dcs as we plod home from school or go for a walk. The last few times this has happened, dd1 who is 6 has screamed and run up the road. It is really embarrassing.
Ndn has phoned to see if she's done anything wrong (no) and I have had several chats with dd to get to the bottom of why she has suddenly decided she's afraid of ndn. All she says is that she hates her and her horrible witchy face
I've told her she's being very unkind, that ndn is a lovely person we've all known for a long time, that waving back and not being silly is the right thing to do but this is met with hands over ears screaming shut up.
My dd1 has always been a bit overdramatic but I honestly don't know how to handle this.
Am I being unreasonable to take a hard line about this?

Tell her it's fine to feel scared of ndn if that's how she really feels but that it's not fine to behave the way she behaves and she needs to come up with another way of dealing with her fear. Get her to make suggestions.

Do none of you remember being a child

This. The girl is 6 not 16. Of COURSE that doesn’t mean she can be rude but does no one remember being a kid and being fearful of something simply because it looks weird or reminds you of a character from a creepy book etc? I was fearful of lots of things as a child and none of them were particularly rational fears. I had a vivid imagination and I encountered people out and about that paralysed me with fear because they reminded me of a creepy character in a children’s tv series etc.

Now, that doesn’t mean the screaming/running shouldn’t stop - it should. But all these people lambasting this poor kid like she’s a 35 year old are being completely OTT. I would sit her down and ask her calmly why the lady upsets her. I’d talk about how appearances don’t always translate to character and that even though she’s scared, she can still be polite but keep her distance.

I’d also remember that in every single fairy tale book we read as a kid that the “evil” character is always the old, or “ugly” one whilst the good characters are always the young attractive ones. This isn’t ok at all. But we can’t read our kids stories like this and then act baffled when it translates to real life!!!!

Yuo need to deal with your dd's rude and hurtful behaviour sternly right now.

Give the kid a break! Children have extraordinary imaginations at that age. Has she read/watched the witches or anything similar? Old woman arw often portrayed as witches and scary characters in children's fiction. I can totally understand why she may feel afraid. I wouldn't get angry at her if she is honestly afraid. I would discuss the situation and explain how skin gets changes over time. Show pictures of grandparents as young adults before they aged and explain she is not ugly or scary but just old. Yes, it is embarrassing but there must be a reason for it.

@DeKraai has all the sensible advice here, I think you should listen to them OP. They are not advising 'pandering' but sensitivity, and are certainly not suggesting that the behaviour should be allowed to continue - that would be pandering. I'm really surprised that so many posters here just say you should come down hard on your daughter's behaviour with no discussion or attempt at empathy - yet are horrified that she shouted 'shut up'. It's essentially what they are telling you to say to her. All behaviour is communication.

Give the kid a break! Children have extraordinary imaginations at that age. Has she read/watched the witches or anything similar? Old woman arw often portrayed as witches and scary characters in children's fiction. I can totally understand why she may feel afraid. I wouldn't get angry at her if she is honestly afraid. I would discuss the situation and explain how skin gets changes over time. Show pictures of grandparents as young adults before they aged and explain she is not ugly or scary but just old. Yes, it is embarrassing but there must be a reason for it.

Show pictures of grandparents as young adults before they aged and explain she is not ugly or scary but just old. Yes, it is embarrassing but there must be a reason for it

This is such a great and sensible suggestion. Much more effective than all the histrionics and talk of harsh punishments which will only cause the child to hide her fears later on for fear of punishment. Talking about fear is the best way to diminish it.

Trust your instincts. Your DD is being rude and hurtful to an elderly person living alone at a difficult time and she is old enough to know better. I hope you come down on her like a ton of bricks. Whatever she likes most (TV, toy, etc), take it away for the rest of the day every time she does this.

Has she watched the Witches recently, by any chance...?

Or maybe someone at school has said something to her about that lady being a creepy witch. Kids say all sorts of silly things to each other at that age.

If it's not normal for her to act out like this then I would really try and get to the bottom of it.

I remember finding some very elderly people a bit scary when I was young. Especially my grandad. I'm not totally sure why, but I think he just looked a bit haggard to me, like the baddie in a story. His gravelly voice didn't help. He was lovely, btw. Sounds ridiculous now but that's how I felt about some of them at the time.

The use of the word 'pandering' seems to me to be a red flag for an attitude of 'God forbid children's feelings should count for anything - they need to know their place'.

I think DeKraai's posts are along the right lines. I wouldn't be 'coming down hard' with sanctions and apology letters (!). I also wouldn't be allowing this to continue. I suspect this may be an instance of a child not having got the boundaries between imagination and reality quite right. It's nearly Halloween - there'll have been talk of 'spooky stuff' all around her. I'd be asking her to tell me about the lady, from her perspective, and asking questions as the story goes along. Then I would be telling her my story of the lady - once upon a time, before you were born (children love that, it seems like ancient history to them), we moved into this street and felt a bit nervous as we didn't know anyone and were missing our old friends. Mrs X from next door was lovely and kind to us, and made us feel happy here. And she was so happy when you were born and welcomed you into the world. - Something along those lines. I'd also absolutely talk about witches and how the stories started - people long ago not understanding how the natural world works and being afraid of wise women living alone. Talk about how old faces show that someone has lived a long time and seen a lot of things, and that they have a beauty too.

That alone might shift things. If it doesn't, you might make the point that witches aren't real, but Mrs X is real and may feel sad when she screams and runs from her, and there's no need to do that to someone who's no threat to you, and that she can feel frightened but she's safe with you when she sees Mrs X so there is no need to scream and run away and you expect her not to do something unnecessary that makes someone else sad.

Assuming she’s a typically developing 6 year old iI’d get her to think about how she would feel if someone started doing this to her and tell her that she doesn’t have to be alone with your neighbour but being so rude and unkind is unacceptable.

This thread is batshit.

She's 6. Not 16.

Yes, she's old enough to understand that it's rude and hurtful but she's not old enough to be able to rationalise fears away. Children can develop irrational fears over what we as adults would consider nothing at all.

A balance needs to be struck between helping her to work through the fear and not allowing rude behaviour.

I would probably try and explain loneliness, maybe try and find videos online, AgeUk might have something. It's important that she understands that what she is doing is hurtful to your NDN. You could try explaining that your NDN sees you both as friends and ask how your DD would feel if her friends constantly ran away from her screaming. She may understand that.
I wouldn't push her to go close to her and to speak to her thought. That will hopefully come with time as the silliness stops.

You need to have a serious conversation about the fact that there is no such thing as witches, it is simply an old folk tale.

I would put in place consequences and stop listening to excuses as to why she is behaving like this. It is embarrassing and rude! I have forced my children to say hello to people before, and if they haven't I have said if they do that again then there will be a consequence (a big one as I feel strongly about this). I have also found that what massively helps in a situation such as this, is to preempt the next episode and explain to her how she is going to behave in a few minutes when she sees the neighbour. I have had big problems with my daughter leaving somewhere (eg park, friend's house) and I now find that if I explain before the event how she is to behave, and again a few minutes before leaving time (rather than just a time warning, but specific to behaviour), she then behaves much better. I use this in all sorts of situations. Two of my children have ADHD and autism, but this works for my other kids too although they obviously need much less of this!

Of course there's a middle ground.
Child gets told that witches etc aren't real and that the feelings of other people are.
It's normal for toddlers to be scared of "others" but at 6 years old, even if the fear has come from some misogynistic and ageist Disney shit, it needs clamping down on.
Otherwise where will it end?

@DeKraai has the most sensible advice I think. She needs to learn how to deal with her emotions in a more restrained way and by holding her mums hand is a way of communicating with her but without the neighbour noticing.

I would talk to DD about life stories. About how next year she'll be 7, then before long she'll be 10 and in year 6, then she'll go off to big school, then university, she will get a job, maybe get married and have children...and all the while while her body is changing from a little girl body to a big girl body to a woman's body and maybe a body that grows a baby, inside herself she will still have her same personality. She'll still be [Dd's name] who is funny, clever, kind etc etc.
Talk a bit about your likes and dislikes through your life too. Then about how your body changed when and since you had her (eg stretch marks, crow's feet, saggy tummy) but how your personality is the same. And as she gets older you will too and one day you will have grey hair and wrinkles, but inside you'll still be mummy. And then way way off, she might be a granny, and inside she'll still be herself.

Then ndn has the same inside feelings as when she was young, but her body is getting old and wrinkly. Inside she is the same person. And that is a kind person. Would she like it if people run away from her wrinkly face when she is old, or say her face is ugly or nasty? And what makes someone kind - the way they look, or the way they behave?

Hopefully this will make her more thoughtful about the impact of her actions and also that her neighbour can be a lovely person in a crumbling frame, and that's ok.

My children often shout at me to shut up when scared so i really wont add that you your worries. Maybe instead of correcting her ask her what her problem is when she is relaxed and calm -then reflect and listen. Ie "you say the old women looks like a witch" and keep reflecting "you sound sad and scared seeing our neighbour when you used to like it?" eventually you will find out what the problem is. Its OK she is scared we are in the middle of a pandemic there is halloween and all of our anxieties floating around so I can see how she is frightened. I use to be scared of many things when I was a kid and had non of this to cope with. X

What a rude little girl.

All this sitting down and doing in an-depth psychotherapy session with a 6 year old. Nonsense.

This is time for a hard line approach. Child, you know witches are not real. Witches are scary characters in books/movies but do not exist in real life. You KNOW that. Mrs NDN is a nice lady who has done X, Y, and Z for us. I will not tolerate the screaming and being rude to her. If you behave like that again, you'll lose your (favourite toy).

Explain what witches/wiccans are? Nice people who worship the moon and might give you a biscuit if you ask?

If being firm hasn't worked I'd do faux sympathy. Oh im so sorry you're scared, maybe we shouldn't watch tv in case there's someone in there like that. Maybe you shouldn't go to friends homes or supermarkets in case their old witchy friends are there. Maybe you need a grown up to read to you in case there's a scary story....

Don’t listen to the people on here OP- your child is six. SIX. I had the most irrational fear of slugs at that age. If I saw one I froze could not move and panicked. Would turn around and walk the other way or had to be carried over them by my parents. Had my parents made me walk over them - touch them or try engage with the slugs I would have never trusted them again. You can’t just tell someone to get over an irrational fear- especially a child.

The screaming isn’t really ok but I don’t agree with the harsh punishment others have suggested on your fearful child. Imagine punishing a child for being scared. Crazy.

Going by some of the responses on here it’s not just a 6 year old child who’s being rude - it’s grown adults too.

@Meepmeeep

Going by some of the responses on here it’s not just a 6 year old child who’s being rude - it’s grown adults too.

Ahh here we go 😂