My daughter has become terrified of our neighbour.

[Tillygetsit]

We have a very sweet old lady who has lived next door to us ever since we moved to this house 7 years ago. She often in the past has popped in for coffee, brought the dcs presents and us runner beans from her garden. She wouldn't hurt a fly.
Obviously we haven't seen as much of her with the Covid situation, just the odd wave and me phoning to see if she wants anything from the shops. She doesn't as she has nearby family but it's an excuse to chat and keep contact.
She often waves at dcs as we plod home from school or go for a walk. The last few times this has happened, dd1 who is 6 has screamed and run up the road. It is really embarrassing.
Ndn has phoned to see if she's done anything wrong (no) and I have had several chats with dd to get to the bottom of why she has suddenly decided she's afraid of ndn. All she says is that she hates her and her horrible witchy face
I've told her she's being very unkind, that ndn is a lovely person we've all known for a long time, that waving back and not being silly is the right thing to do but this is met with hands over ears screaming shut up.
My dd1 has always been a bit overdramatic but I honestly don't know how to handle this.
Am I being unreasonable to take a hard line about this?

[user12345796]

If she was doing this to a kid in her class it would be treated as bullying and rightly so.
If your daughter can't manage basic manners in public at the age of six you have a problem.

[Dominicgoings]

OP how many times have you had to discipline your daughter for shouting at you to shut up? What other types of behaviour does your DH attribute to being ‘a phase’ ?

[Janegrey333]

Very topical. Hmmm

[Onadifferentuniverse]

How are her interactions with the children? As a child I used to find interactions with the elderly quite forceful and they’d often touch my face/ make me feel uncomfortable.

I’ve noticed the same sort of behaviour to my own children from elderly randoms in the street, I had a random elderly lady a few years ago kiss my sons cheek after I felt forced to stop and interact and not be rude.

I know their interactions with children are harmless but if she’s making your child feel uncomfortable and your dd is reacting in this way you need to ensure she’s comfortable in social situations so it doesn’t build up to this.

[Bumpsadaisie]

It is possible to both try to understand what it going on for your DD compassionately AND help her behave in way which is acceptable.

Not one or the other.

[foxyroxyyy]

@Ohalrightthen

I'd be having a firm chat with her about manners and rudeness, and telling her in no uncertain terms that it is unacceptable to behave like that with anyone. She's 6 years old, not 9 months.

The hands over ears and screaming shut up would have serious consequences too. She's being incredibly rude, you need to nip this in the bud as it will only get worse as she gets older.

Shit advice.

How do you know the neighbour isn't actually a witch who knows exactly what's she's done and has scared the little girl in to not saying?

[Bumpsadaisie]

So you can try to understand that old people are frightening to six year olds but also tell her that this is a fear and the old lady is a person with feelings just like her own and that it is hurtful to behave as she is doing. You can even say if you behave like that again we won't be able to (insert consequence) as I can't take you out if you can't behave kindly.

That's very different to saying "stop it you silly child how dare you. If you do that again you can forget ...(insert consequence) !"

[Onadifferentuniverse]

If you constantly feel uncomfortable because of someone op would you want to wave at them?

Probably no. You’d probably just want to get home.

Why do people always want their kids to be puppets to the elderly for their amusement?

[Onadifferentuniverse]

@Bumpsadaisie that’s pretty dangerous advice.

‘yes that lady is making you feel uncomfortable but you’re being silly and should be nice to her as she’s got feelings too’

Imagine is said child started to be abused by someone, they’d never speak up as they’d feel it’s their fault.

[GintyMarlow2]

Apologies for not reading the whole thread, but wanted to comment on this:
Promise her she's not a witch because you're and her DF would never live near a witch
This is tantamount to telling the child that witches exist. Not a great strategy.

[TheSeedsOfADream]

The OP has made it clear the neighbour has done nothing untoward. The child presumably doesn't get taken into the house where the neighbour then turns into the wolf.

Some of the comments on here are fucking offensive. Imagine if that neighbour was your gran.

[Onadifferentuniverse]

@TheSeedsOfADream she doesn’t necessarily have had to done anything obviously untoward but it’s clear OP forces interactions between the 6 year old and the elderly neighbour and it’s clear the 6 year old isn’t comfortable with that and I think that’s perfectly fine.
Everyone is allowed to feel uncomfortable without a reason and I don’t think it’s good parenting telling a child they’re being silly or naughty when they feel uncomfortable.

[TheSeedsOfADream]

Or replace the words "elderly next door neighbour" with "black neighbour" or "severely disabled and non verbal next door neighbour" and then justify this child's abhorrent behaviour.

[timeforanewstart]

@Onadifferentuniverse op says the lady waves at them , hardly forcing interactions

[Newfornow]

Fear of old people. My child did this for a little while. It’s not your dd fault. Fear is irrational. It’s not the ndn fault either, honesty is the best policy. Explain to her like you have here.

[Onadifferentuniverse]

@TheSeedsOfADream for all we know the neighbour could be black, why is it relevant?

If someone makes you feel uncomfortable do you make room for allowances because of their race?

A 6 years old behaviour is hardly abhorrent for god sake.
She’s terrified! As stated by the op, she’s not old enough to say she feels uncomfortable so has done what she has instead.

[Newfornow]

“Abhorrent “. Mn is weird at times
@timeforanewstart. Oh come on stop exaggerating.

[Onadifferentuniverse]

@timeforanewstart of course it is.
Could you seriously be nice and wave at someone because someone’s asked you to when they make you feel uncomfortable?

You’d hate it as an adult, never mind being 6 and not understanding why you feel the way you do.

[Bumpsadaisie]

[quote Onadifferentuniverse]@Bumpsadaisie that’s pretty dangerous advice.

‘yes that lady is making you feel uncomfortable but you’re being silly and should be nice to her as she’s got feelings too’

Imagine is said child started to be abused by someone, they’d never speak up as they’d feel it’s their fault.[/quote]
I was commenting on the basis that the op is confident the old lady hasn't had any opportunity to abuse her daughter.....

[DryRoastPeanut]

Your dd is being incredibly rude. If I was your neighbour, I’d be shattered to know the next door neighbours child was reacting this way.

You need to take your daughter into control. Explain her behaviour is very rude, nasty and upsetting.

[Onadifferentuniverse]

@Bumpsadaisie her daughter is terrified of this women, you’re allowed to be uncomfortable about someone without them having to have done something wrong and that’s fine too.

[2bazookas]

"OH dear. I'm afraid we'll have to put away any stories or films with witches in, not watch any TV that has witches, and Halloween is definitrely CANCELLED. "

[Onadifferentuniverse]

And you don’t think it’s nasty or upsetting to force a 6 year old to interact with an elderly lady that has left them feeling terrified and uncomfortable?

Obviously waving at this elderly person so they’re not hurt is clearly more important than the way the child is clearly feeling

@DryRoastPeanut

[DownThePlath]

@Onadifferentuniverse

And you don’t think it’s nasty or upsetting to force a 6 year old to interact with an elderly lady that has left them feeling terrified and uncomfortable?

Obviously waving at this elderly person so they’re not hurt is clearly more important than the way the child is clearly feeling

*@DryRoastPeanut*

Fuck me, give it a rest.

[user12345796]

I don't think the lady next door will understand that this child has taken against her as she has a nasty witchy face. If she was doing that to my mum I would be appalled and I wouldnt want to know someone who had brought up a child to act like that.