My daughter has become terrified of our neighbour.

[Tillygetsit]

We have a very sweet old lady who has lived next door to us ever since we moved to this house 7 years ago. She often in the past has popped in for coffee, brought the dcs presents and us runner beans from her garden. She wouldn't hurt a fly.
Obviously we haven't seen as much of her with the Covid situation, just the odd wave and me phoning to see if she wants anything from the shops. She doesn't as she has nearby family but it's an excuse to chat and keep contact.
She often waves at dcs as we plod home from school or go for a walk. The last few times this has happened, dd1 who is 6 has screamed and run up the road. It is really embarrassing.
Ndn has phoned to see if she's done anything wrong (no) and I have had several chats with dd to get to the bottom of why she has suddenly decided she's afraid of ndn. All she says is that she hates her and her horrible witchy face
I've told her she's being very unkind, that ndn is a lovely person we've all known for a long time, that waving back and not being silly is the right thing to do but this is met with hands over ears screaming shut up.
My dd1 has always been a bit overdramatic but I honestly don't know how to handle this.
Am I being unreasonable to take a hard line about this?

Note op hasn’t come back to the thread .... hmmmm

I would try to understand why she is getting so triggered by neighbour. It seems like a strong response and I'd want to help her to feel more secure. There must be something behind it. Getting mad at her might cause her to suppress her feelings, but they will still be there, and then you have shut down the ability to support her in future fears.

I am not sure it is always possible or helpful to understand why a young child is frightened of someone. I was terrified of my great uncle when I was little because he was so ugly.

Found out later that my mother had also been frightened of him when she was little, again because he was ugly. He was the kindest of men and certainly nothing dodgy about him whatsoever, but there is no denying that he would never have won a beauty contest.

Our parents probably suspected this, but even if it had been widely discussed, it would hardly have been of much assistance- the poor man couldn't help his face.

What helped me, I think, was the unstated knowledge that you are allowed your feelings but you need to control your behaviour.

Screaming and running away when you΄re a big girl of 6 and your mum is right beside you is not ok. Talking of her as horrible and saying how she hates her, again not ok. For this part, the dd needs to be told she is not allowed to talk about other people like this.

But again, I think it would be unkind to push her into interacting with the neighbour. Maybe a wave at the most.

When I was young, I was also scared of men with beards and of bald men. No reason at all, I am positive I have never been scared or treated badly by a bald man.

I think you need to get to the bottom of why your DD is reacting like this. As has been suggested, has she had other kids at school telling her that this NDN is a witch? Or has she had a nightmare with this lady in it? Or does she look like a witch in a film/TV programme she’s seen? You should try and find out and then help her to see that this lady isn’t a witch, she’s a lovely person who has always been kind to you all, and that she’s been really upset by your DD’s reaction to her.

Simply telling her off and punishing her won’t get to the bottom of why she’s got this idea in her head. (Although it does need to be made clear to her that screaming at you to ‘shut up’ won’t be tolerated.)

On a more positive note, this is Halloween and witches are very much a part of that festival. So this could blow over once we’ve moved on for it.

I do feel the need to say, however, that I was made to feel that I was in the wrong when I tried to object to being sexually abused (by my F who was part of this). There was an elderly man whose hand I but once. I ended up having to say sorry to him.

My DM didn’t know that this was happening and she would have thought I was being a rude child (although I don’t think she even knew about this).

I’m really not saying this is remotely likely to be happening here. But children need to feel that their feelings will be listened to by the adults looking after them, so that if something worse happens they will be taken seriously and not just told that they need to mind their manners.

Having said all that, it’s also important to train children to process their feelings whilst understanding that other people, including adults, have feelings as well and think about how they would feel if someone ran away from them when they’re just trying to be friendly.

I was really quite scared of disabled people when I was younger - embarrassing to admit but when I was little (I’d say probably 6?) I used to feel very anxious when I would be in a shop or on a bus with someone who was disabled. Obviously I grew out of it.
If I had EVER screamed and run away my parents would have absolutely bollocked me and if I had put my hands over my ears and screamed at them to shut up it would have been even worse.
You can tell your child it’s ok to be scared but it’s totally unacceptable to behave like that. She’s plenty old enough to manage her behaviour assuming there’s no SEN. This is coming from someone with extensive experience of that age group - she is old enough to know she’s being rude and she’s old enough to understand that it’s not okay.
It’s not about saying “you have to interact with anyone who makes you uncomfortable”, and more - you don’t run off screaming when someone says hello to your mum. Totally different. You don’t have to make her hug your neighbour or anything like that but you need to ensure she is polite.

@Classicbrunette

Note op hasn’t come back to the thread .... hmmmm

That figures.

I was terrified of my paternal grandmother (she had OCD and didn’t hug/kiss her own children let alone grandchildren). I used to hide my face in my mum’s shoulder but don’t think I ever would have said ‘horrible witchy face’ to her or anywhere else, it would have been unthinkable. Has she been watching scary movies / videos? Hollywood does like to show old women as evil.

What helped me, I think, was the unstated knowledge that you are allowed your feelings but you need to control your behaviour.

Absolutely this.

Thank you for the useful advice. No thanks to those deciding I've raised a brat because I'm such a crap mother. If I was I wouldnt gave asked for advice in the first place oh and how odd that a mum with 3 children 3 dogs (one a puppy) and a husband who's been called out since 6am hadnt had time to return to this thread. I must be lying or a journo
I admit my dd has dramatic qualities. When she is rude or naughty she is put in timeout after having her behaviour explained so she can think about it. Then we chat, albeit not in a strictly 1 to 1 as that's not always practical.
I take on board the Halloween comments. I asked her if they'd talked about it at school and she said yes it was fun. If dh isnt called out tomorrow I'll get to speak to her on our own. Thanks again for the very useful advice.

Tilly No young or older children should be MADE to be nice to everyone. IMO it can lead to wrong results.

As I said upthread it's a good idea to take your child's development into account and not punish a child for being a child (for something they can't actually control). You are doing well discussing it calmly.

@randomer

The kid is 6. Wave/don't wave but don't be a rude brat.

Next.....

Exactly

This is a really sad post....scary old ladies with horrible witchy faces. Hopefully we’ll all be old ladies, witchy, horrible or not.

So your Ndn is no longer decorative so she scares children. Old women are no longer any use?

I think your use of emoji below made it look like you think it is all a bit amusing OP.

All she says is that she hates her and her horrible witchy face

Oh, after your last post I wonder... She's getting lots of your attention now because of this isn't she?

I'm not sure prolonged chats about it are the answer if that's the motivation.

Young children can be scared of the strangest things. I was always close to my Grandma growing up, saw her every weekend when I visited my Dad. She has a mole on her chin and I remember calling it a spider and being terrified of her for a while. I mean, it’s literally just a mole but my overactive imagination got the better of me.

I wouldn’t back her into a corner over it, I suspect it’s something she’ll grow out of in her own time.

Watch home alone with her, same scenario happily resolved

No young or older children should be MADE to be nice to everyone.

It’s not just that the child in question is refusing to be nice though is it? She’s showing dislike in an active, obvious, unmistakable way. Based - apparently - on nothing more than the neighbour’s physical appearance. Would you be happy for someone you love to be treated like that?

You can't force a child to feel comfortable but you can expect them to curb rudeness and screeching, which OP clearly does.

It's tragic that older women are the subject of such unreasonable stereotyping and I guess it's just lucky for the ndn that this is 2020 not 1620, or the faggots would be being piled on the village green.

God forbid any of us should actually live to be old and wrinkly. 🙄

No young or older children should be MADE to be nice to everyone.

Would you feel the same if it was your child whose classmates didn't feel any need to control their horrified reactions to some aspect of their physical appearance?

Speaking as the child with the mild squint.

And the mother of the disabled child.

I'd focus on the sudden change. Why all of a sudden does she feel like this.

To a young child some old ppl can look scary.... I remember this feeling when I was around 4/5 myself,but I would just cling on to my mum and hide behind her.

I agree with what culturallyappropriatename says. This needs patient handling and is an opportunity to educate your daughter. I wouldn't be harsh with her but Iwouldn't accept this behaviour either.

I imagine its linked to Halloween and games of running away from "witches" in the playground had perhaps spilled into being "dramatic" at home and the line between a game and actually hurting a real persons feelings have been blurred as she is 6.
I would try to be firm on what is real and isnt and hurting people's feelings.
My dd will often put her hands on her ears or run off when being told off when she knows she has done something wrong but doesnt want to face up to it.
Another angle would be to watch something like nanny McPhee to get her to think about how people look and how people really are

At 6 with that behaviour I would guess its attention seeking. I'm going to guess shes a middle or older child and I'm betting she gets op attention and a 1:1 chat every time she does it. 😊

I would tell her I was very disappointed with the toddler tantrum and ignore it. See how much longer she tantrums for with no audience.

Its an embarrassed emoji @switswooo not laughing or winking. Unfortunately there isnt a mortified emoji.
I certainly do not find it amusing. I find it disrespectful and distressing. Clear enough?