Everyone invited but dd - am I being U?

[Ihaveyourback]

DD (12) started secondary school last year, she found a great group of five girls pretty much on the first day and they hang out every day at school. DD stayed in touch and her friends came over for sleepovers, dinner, they did loads of things together (mainly at our house I may add) etc over the summer after the lockdown, the girls get on very well and all is good. DD noticed that 'Zara' one of the girls was playing two of the girls off against each, and they were vying a little for her attention. No big deal - these things happen between girls.

Fast forward to last week. We booked an activity for this group of friends over the half term and invited them all - dd missed out on her birthday party over lockdown so I had promised her a treat. We then found out that Zara had already booked the activity for her birthday, and she sent dd lots of messages via SM saying she was going with laughing emojis and that dd could still go ahead with her day but they would all be 'pros' as they would have more practice due to her party.

It turns out that Zara has invited the whole group except for dd.

There was not a problem with numbers as we are still allowed six here, so she invited other girls that she never sees and hardly knows over dd - whom she considers to be a very close friend.

DD was very so hurt and cried for a few days. It put me in a terrible position as we had already invited the others girls to the activity including Zara.

Zara is entitled to choose whoever she likes for her party, of course, and if she does not want dd to come then that is fine, however the endless messaging boasting about the girls all going, how fun it was going to be, how much they would be than dd was abit much, and seemed to me quite spiteful.

Zara's Mum meanwhile having accepted the invite, then declined because they were away - so this seemed like a solution, but then she called me to say Zara was so upset not to go with dd could she please be included again, knowing full well Zara had invited everyone but my dd!!!
By this point I was absolutely tired of the messages to dd from Zara, the calls from her mother and cancelled the activity with an excuse that we couldn't make it.

DD now wants to have a sleepover, she wants to invite her friends and definitely does not want to invite Zara who she no longer considers a friend anymore. I don't feel we owe this girl anything.

What do you think? Am I being unreasonable not to invite Zara? I am obviously keen to avoid any further upset but I am really upset for dd.

@Itsallpointless

Worse still she is now demanding a bloody birthday present even though dd was not invited.

What??? Is this for real? Oh my goodness, the neck of her

OP encourage your DD to have groups outside of school, completely different people she can be friends with away from all the drama girls can emit.

I was bullied, and still to this day, I feel the effects of it. Nip this in the bud, and tell Z and her bloody mother to jog on..makes my blood boil

We had this last year, before dd finally broke free from her Zara after 3 years.

Dd was asked to put £15 into a joint present and then was the only one not invited to the party. To make it worse, they didn’t acknowledge her birthday at all, present, card or anything.

Despite being very tempted, I didn’t get involved, and she is now close friends with a couple of the group who were basically “sheep”.

One has since apologised to her and said she just didn’t have the guts to stand up to the Zara at the time.

It was an awful time, but I am proud of dd for being resilient.

I know why some of you are saying leave the girls to it, but I suffered at the hands of a Zara or two at secondary school.

No-one knew as I didn't tell my parents. I wish I had as I had no idea how to sort it. And I would never have had the confidence even if I had, to sort it out myself. I would have wanted my parents to step in. Maybe school wouldn't have been such a nightmare.

And I think it's especially hard for younger ones at primary.

@Watermelon999 you should be very proud of your DD standing her ground, that's a very tough place to be at that age.

I cannot bear bullies, because basically that's what these are. They really have no idea of the impact their behaviour has on ones mental health.

I would be mortified if I knew my child was a bully, and I think I'd probably know! So the mum is/was probably a bully too!

I do feel for people who've written off a whole sex as bitchy due to their experiences. It's really sad

@ApricotOLeary in this case its true though.
Im an only girl who had all boys and i never had the hassle that seems to be happening to the op.

@Nanny0gg

@Ihaveyourback

Thank you. Luckily once I started work I've always had really good friends and I've never been in that position again. I've worried all through DC and now DGC schooldays though!

@ApricotOLeary

SoloMummy You are sounding quite sexist. It's probably just as well you didn't have girls

I wouldn't say it's sexist, merely an observation. Studies also show that girls are, on the whole, meaner than boys and that girls are indirectly aggressive. So no it's not sexist.

Thank you for your messages and telling me your experiences, I am so sorry - some of them are horrendous, and yes outright bullying in some cases.

I have no intention of leaving dd to it, she isn't old enough to know how to manage this well, but she is in the driving seat and will decide what is best once we have talked through all options. Having older sibling helps too, as she finds lots of honest, heartfelt support at home.

I am worried Zara will become desperate and resort to proper bullying but I think dd is bold enough to deal with her - I hope anyway!

Alas the sleepover is off, full national lockdown next week...according to the Times today

I am very glad you found some lovely friends later on nanny

@ApricotOLeary

So what?. It still doesn't mean that all girls are bitchy and people are lucky not to have daughters as Solomummy thinks she is

Yeah, and she didn't SAY that either. Stop exaggerating what is said for your own purposes.

My dh can much more catty than any of us, this is not a gender issue. DDs used to go to mixed school and boys can be just as hurtful.

It's not easy I know , but I'd have definitely said something to Zara's mother at the time. You missed a trick there.

@Itsallpointless

Thanks, I am.

I’m sure the Zara’s of the world have problems with low self esteem, or bad hone lives or something, but agree that doesn’t excuse their behaviour. The worst thing for me was seeing the effect it had on my dd’s confidence, she went from bubbly to quiet which was awful.

I think it’s natural for friends to have disagreements at that age and meet other friends they like, but whereas boys usually just have a fight, some girls can be very manipulative and drag other friends into the mix.

I hope you get it sorted OP.

BorderlineHappy I do feel for people who've written off a whole sex as bitchy due to their experiences. It's really sad

ApricotOLeary in this case its true though.Im an only girl who had all boys and i never had the hassle that seems to be happening to the op

The hassle is not being invited to one gathering and a silly text message! Totally understandable that the OPs daughter has decided she’s not as close a friend as she thought and wants to cool the friendship but people are blowing this way out of proportion. Do you decide that your friendships are completely over if your friends celebrate their birthdays without you? The reaction as much as the action creates drama.

Boys are just as capable. I remember ds1 having to deal with a couple of Zaras in primary school. They made his life miserable.

I think in view of the current situation rule of 6, maybe just invite 1 or 3 girls and maybe have several sleepovers. Nicer for getting to know a few of the girls better. Eventually if your daughter’s still friendly with this girl maybe a 1 on 1 invitation would be better.

We're about to enter a lockdown, you wont be able to have any of them for a sleepover.

@Lucindainthesky

We're about to enter a lockdown, you wont be able to have any of them for a sleepover.

Yes. The OP said it was cancelled. 12 hours ago.

Give you daughter coping strategies there will always be girls like this . I have two daughters one that coped with Zara and one that was bullied by her and her mothers crap through school . It’s control . If your daughter has plans invites friends stick to it don’t make about what you think give her tools to deal with problems then let her deal . Learn from my mistakes hopefully Zara will become a better friend 😊

My DD aged 9 is going through some horrible friendship issues with a friend she has been close friends with throughout primary school. It’s just so disappointing that in 2020 we have to accept horrible behaviour from girls as inevitable part of girls’ friendships. It isn’t inevitable, it’s bad parenting.

Your DD is correct Zara is not her friend. I’m trying to teach my daughter that she’s entitled to expect something from a friend and to break away from a friendship in which she’s being treated unkindly. However awful this has been for your DD she will hopefully have learnt the lesson that a toxic friendship is damaging and not worth having.

I am so sorry for you and DD. I have had a heart rendering few weeks with my DD, it’s so hard. Don’t invite Z.

I hope this situation works out for your DD. This type of thing can happen at any age and I hope she can move on and become good friends with a smaller group perhaps ;) She sounds like she has a good calm head on her shoulders.

@GrumblyMumblyisnotJumbly

BorderlineHappy I do feel for people who've written off a whole sex as bitchy due to their experiences. It's really sad

ApricotOLeary in this case its true though.Im an only girl who had all boys and i never had the hassle that seems to be happening to the op

The hassle is not being invited to one gathering and a silly text message! Totally understandable that the OPs daughter has decided she’s not as close a friend as she thought and wants to cool the friendship but people are blowing this way out of proportion. Do you decide that your friendships are completely over if your friends celebrate their birthdays without you? The reaction as much as the action creates drama.

You've obviously never experienced bullying in your own peer group as a young teen. It can consume you.

@Ginger1982 as I grew up I experienced painful friendship splits and realignments as most children do. I also have children who experience sometimes being invited to friends parties and sometimes missing out. My role as a parent is to comfort them if they are upset but also to teach them to handle disappointment for example missing a party especially when circumstances dictate only 6 can attend. I’d suggest they take the opportunity to meet up with another friend instead.

@Ginger1982 do you strike people off your friendship group entirely if you don’t get an invitation to their birthday?

@Ginger1982 also want to say that I hate it when my children have to pick friends for their birthday activities as they have fairly wide groups of friends. If it could be the case I would want to invite each and every one of their friends but sometimes the activity dictates fewer. This happens throughout life, even as adults, we just learn to do invitations discreetly. This is where social media doesn’t help as what people do in groups is now displayed for others to see.

grumbly I am not sure why you find it so difficult to understand why a friend may be hurt that they were excluded from the party, additionally to have to tolerate the SM bragging about it and boasting about it too, I would not look at that friend in the same light, no. For me (and dd) friendship is about trust, honesty and kindness. If any of those elements are missing then the friendship doesn't tend to work out.

I can only assume you have left your children's friends out of parties in the past and are looking to excuse your own behaviour. I don't find it compassionate or kind to do that, and would not allow my children to hurt others in that way under any circumstances. I would rather not have the party!

Resilience should be fostered in children, unkindness should not. There is a difference between the two.