Everyone invited but dd - am I being U?

[Ihaveyourback]

DD (12) started secondary school last year, she found a great group of five girls pretty much on the first day and they hang out every day at school. DD stayed in touch and her friends came over for sleepovers, dinner, they did loads of things together (mainly at our house I may add) etc over the summer after the lockdown, the girls get on very well and all is good. DD noticed that 'Zara' one of the girls was playing two of the girls off against each, and they were vying a little for her attention. No big deal - these things happen between girls.

Fast forward to last week. We booked an activity for this group of friends over the half term and invited them all - dd missed out on her birthday party over lockdown so I had promised her a treat. We then found out that Zara had already booked the activity for her birthday, and she sent dd lots of messages via SM saying she was going with laughing emojis and that dd could still go ahead with her day but they would all be 'pros' as they would have more practice due to her party.

It turns out that Zara has invited the whole group except for dd.

There was not a problem with numbers as we are still allowed six here, so she invited other girls that she never sees and hardly knows over dd - whom she considers to be a very close friend.

DD was very so hurt and cried for a few days. It put me in a terrible position as we had already invited the others girls to the activity including Zara.

Zara is entitled to choose whoever she likes for her party, of course, and if she does not want dd to come then that is fine, however the endless messaging boasting about the girls all going, how fun it was going to be, how much they would be than dd was abit much, and seemed to me quite spiteful.

Zara's Mum meanwhile having accepted the invite, then declined because they were away - so this seemed like a solution, but then she called me to say Zara was so upset not to go with dd could she please be included again, knowing full well Zara had invited everyone but my dd!!!
By this point I was absolutely tired of the messages to dd from Zara, the calls from her mother and cancelled the activity with an excuse that we couldn't make it.

DD now wants to have a sleepover, she wants to invite her friends and definitely does not want to invite Zara who she no longer considers a friend anymore. I don't feel we owe this girl anything.

What do you think? Am I being unreasonable not to invite Zara? I am obviously keen to avoid any further upset but I am really upset for dd.

[GhostsUpMePosts]

ghost how did you deal with it - did you stand up to your Zara?

In a number of ways but they all added up to the same thing - I remained cool but polite with 'Zara' and her supporters but never went back to that friendship group again. Instead I made new friends based on my new criteria. I prioritised real friendship and support. Doing so gave me great personal confidence and power, to a certain extent.

When I no longer lived by 'Zara's' rules, I started to live by my own and that drew people to me who were odder and better.

As an adult I can now look back with adult eyes and see:

Zara's dad left her family whens he was quite young and her mum was quite bitter and angry about it. Zara had minimal father contact and I suspect felt quite lost and rejected at home.

Another of her gang came from a home where her Dad was in jail and I think she was quite neglected and probably felt like she was the one in the group with no real future.

Another came from a home of bitter arguments between her parents, I imagine that was very hard to live with.

The other two seemed to come from happy enough homes but who knows?

In short, it has been very easy to forgive Zara and co because the experience made me a stronger person and because I see now that they may have been very unhappy children struggling to deal with the hand life dealt them.

At the time I cried myself to sleep for a few weeks but I then went on to have great times and memories with new friends and so learned the truth of the phrase "the best revenge is a life lived well".

[Ihaveyourback]

throwing covid may mean that we can't go ahead if things change. The girls are in the same bubble and spend all day together etc. Obviously things may change and happy to cancel if we need to.

[MissEliza]

Op it sounds like your dd has a sensible attitude about it. It's so hard when you see your dc excluded but it happens to us all at some point. When people were able to meet up again over lockdown, my dd (12) realised she was being excluded by her close group of friends. Luckily she started to make plans with new friends. Now the old group have fallen out with each other but dd has the sense to stay civil but not get sucked back in. These situations can teach our dcs resilience if we handle it properly.
If Zara's mum contacts you again, I'd calmly point out the facts of the situation. However, I wouldn't go out of my way to get parents involved at this age.

[user626847]

She asked where her birthday present is? Is she for real?! Has your DD replied? Unbelievable.

[Ihaveyourback]

She asked where her birthday present is? Is she for real?! Has your DD replied? Unbelievable.

DD has not replied.
Zara is busy making a drama with the others about a lack of a reply.
You really couldn't make it up!

I know these are first world problems with covid, and so many bigger things to worry about, but thank you for your replies I was really at a loss as to know what to do about this.

[diddl]

You should let your daughter have who she wants to her sleepover/party.

Are any of the girls messaging the ones who seemed to have pulled away form Zara?

Could be that they don't really care, just want to be seen to be in the know?

Perhaps your daughter should reply that she has no idea why Zara thinks she is annoyed?

Idk, but she maybe needs to be prepared for some not to want to come to her sleepover if Zara isn't invited?

And I don't mean that she should invite Zara for that reason.

[Ihaveyourback]

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I thought I had seen my fair share of poor behaviour over the years. I am sorry for those of you that have also had the stress and upset of unkindness at this age or older, either as a child or with your own children

[GrumblyMumblyisnotJumbly]

@Ihaveyourback the timing of this is a bit odd though, when was your DDs bday? Why didn’t you do the sleepover in summer? There was no rule of 6 then. Maybe Zara thought your daughter had her celebrations earlier without Zara? Maybe the other girls invited were reciprocal invitations?

I don’t see why people seem so fixed that a birthday invitation extended should then mean a reciprocal birthday invitation for them though!

[Bluntness100]

She’s thriving on the drama.

Your daughter should continue to ignore her and then respond to her other friends just saying nothing is wrong lol just haven’t had a moment to read her messages, will do so when I get the time.

And then never bother.

[Bluntness100]

I don’t see why people seem so fixed that a birthday invitation extended should then mean a reciprocal birthday invitation for them though!

Seriously? You think it’s ok to exclude one kid in a tight group of friends?

[Ihaveyourback]

We didn't do the sleepover in the summer as lots of the girls were away and it was difficult to line up. When they returned to school they absolutely shattered after six months at home so we waited until half term.

[ineedaholidaynow]

How do you fit in the rule of 6 @Ihaveyourback?

[Pringlemonster]

Have been through this with 4 dc
I think you need to look at it differently,
Don’t call it excluded ,if your dc does not get invited to something.
No one owes anyone an invite to anything.
Kids are fickle ,friends one day ,not the next.
Let your dd invite who she wants .,and leave out who she wants
No one has a right to be expected to attend anything.
If your child gets invited somewhere .lovely.
If not ,no big deal.
Dc need to be resilient to not being invited to things
As this goes on for a long time.
I found the less drama I made out of it ,the less they worried

[Tistheseason17]

Your DD sounds very sensible.
She should respond to nice friends as follows:
"I'm absolutely fine - no drama- we are all good"

And continue to blank Zara 😁

[BluebellsGreenbells]

Then she needs to screen shot the request and next 20. Messages and put it on group chat.

With a ‘Zara is asking for a birthday gift after not inviting me to X, I’m a bit confusing by her request’

And just leave it there no back biting required.

Call her out on it.

[BillysMyBunny]

Zara sounds like a nightmare! My only concern about having a sleepover now and not inviting Zara is that if she is currently trying to make drama where there is none and make it look like DD is annoyed at her then not inviting her will only add fuel to that idea.

Could DD just invite one or two of the girls from the group to a sleepover rather than the whole group excluding Zara? That will surely cause far less drama than purposefully leaving a single member of the group out; I understand Zara did it to DD but it sounds like Zara will make a big deal of it and use it to cause drama in the group, sometimes it’s easier just to be the bigger person than play tit for tat.

[Todaytomorrow09]

My daughter has been your daughter :( We have had 5 years of sometimes being invited & being excluded. The parents seemingly accepting the behaviour- for fear of them then being excluded. It has affected her mental health. No amount of telling her to make new friends worked :(

She tried to stand her ground and is now isolated from the group - she meets some of the girls on a 121 bases. The equivalent Zara has now even left the school but still controls the ‘invites’ The girls are now 17/18 and the other girls openly admit that the behaviour was wrong. It’s hard as my daughter is a lovely girl and well liked across the school but doesn’t have a tribe of her own, sort of floats around. I’m hoping starting university next September means she can find nicer people.

I don’t really have any advice, I know asking her to make other friends but for my daughter she just wanted to be accepted :/

[GrumblyMumblyisnotJumbly]

Can’t your daughter just send Zara a message back saying hope alls fine and hope she’s enjoying her half term (ignore present reference) otherwise what Zara is reporting to their mutual friends is completely correct your DD is blanking her and there is a lack of reply.

@Bluntness100 yes seriously all this tit for tat over a get together! In a group of friends not everyone is going to do everything together and some might shockingly have friends outside that group they’d like to invite too!

[YouokHun]

As others have said, there’s always a Zara. I had forgotten this but I now remember when I was in Year 7 or 8 being part of a group of about 5 with a ringleader. She would play one off against the other and decide who was this week’s victim. I remember one day when it was my turn just completely losing it with her and just saying all the things I’d wanted to say to her for ages, I just couldn’t take it any more. Of course all the other girls backed away from me, then one by one came forward to quietly thank me and after that the group splintered and she lost all her power. In fact it was interesting to see how others moved on and she didn’t really. The conclusion was that actually she didn’t have much confidence and couldn’t hold on to friendships by being nice so had to gaslight others into staying in line. My DM knew her DM and said to me later that her mother was far too involved in the minutiae of her DD’s social life and friendships and spent far too much time ego boosting her; ‘you’re the best’, ‘they’re lucky you’re their friend’ which actually is a disaster for learning to negotiate your place in the world. I think the mother was insecure too.

I guess the best thing we can do for our DC is encourage wide and diverse friendships in and out of school so that their confidence is not dependent upon a tiny selection. I wouldn’t bother having any interaction with the mother, just invite who your DD wants and move on. You’ve obviously got teenage DD experience @Ihaveyourback - it’s not fun to see the unhappiness is it?

I know I have adopted a policy of satelliting around social groups, not getting too ensconced in groups and avoiding cliquey set ups. I think it’s a hangover from my school experiences but it’s a policy I didn’t regret once I came across the Zara mothers at the school gates; 99% are lovely but there is an unfortunate percentage who can’t seem to have uncomplicated relationships.

[Scarlettpixie]

Your DD should not be expected to invite Zara if she doesn’t want to. If the mum asks why you can say DD was hurt upset at not being invited to the party.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

Could DD just invite one or two of the girls from the group to a sleepover rather than the whole group excluding Zara?

Don’t do this. It will team up Zara and other excluded friends and Zara will be proved right about DD

[dontdisturbmenow]

There's clearly a misunderstanding. It's all a bit confusing, who arrange what when, cancelled, went ahead, clearly some message has been lost in between.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I know what you mean about not wanting the hassle and arguments. If your dd is like mine (12), she’s not good at confrontation and basically says nothing when someone says mean things to her then comes home to cry.

I’m sure you realise now you should not have cancelled the birthday event. You buckled under the pressure of Zara and her mother thus giving them a clear message Zara is of higher ranking.

As Zara is popular, I would just your dd know there could be a lot of fall out. Girls can be rather ruthless. If they are popular, they can do a lot of damage. And your dd, adamant as she is now, will probably forgive Zara within the next few months or year, by which time it could all be too late and her reputation ruined. Otoh if she is prepared to take the risk of possibly needing to find a whole new group of friends, she can invite the whole group and you will support her either way.

My dd, as I said also 12 has friends, who have also not been nice to her. Some petty, others really shit with one, who tried to turn one set of friends against dd but ultimately failed. Complicated but in essence driven by the girl’s mother as neither would accept dd could have friends the girl didn’t approve of. Both possessive / controlling etc. Dd had several months of the child’s volatility prior to the blow up, where I encouraged dd to try and keep the girl happy. The mother was texting / calling to complain about x and y whilst the girl stole, gossiped and bitched about dd, about me, complained etc etc. I never told the mother for rather like Zara’s mother, this girl was the only child to count. And yes, we are almost always the ones to too.

My take from my experience is not to get directly involved and to have better boundaries than we had. We should have helped dd to cool the friendship with this girl. She isn’t a Zara, is not popular, but still likes to control the group. She also tried to damage Dds reputation at school but failed because no one likes her much. If they did, the outcome could have been very different.

What I have found the most useful is to support your dd in writing texts and be there listening to calls, guide her to give helpful responses - she can mute the phone for a second while you do that or you can jot on a piece of paper / prep her etc. This worked with dd and she has turned things around more than once with friends. Including the ones above.

As for Zara’s party? Idk why Zara missed your dd out. Could be a power play to shake the group up. Could be that the ones she invited, who she never sees have a higher status than her and she’s trying to work her way up. Then if she sees your dd as always amenable, she could boot your dd out reasoning that your dd would still be her friend. Perhaps she has decided your dd doesn’t work well in that group as she’s pigeonholed her as being of too low ranking. Or that those other children like your dd and she could be a threat to her being friends with them. Dd has experienced all of this with different friends.

As for the gift, your dd can either continue to ignore. Spamming happens a lot at this age it seems. Would you not consider sending the message asking why Zara thinks she needs to give a gift when she wasn’t invited to the party?

[TheCrowsHaveEyes]

I think you need to step back. You're basing a lot on your DD's perceptions eg that the other girls invited to Zara's party aren't in their friendship group and yy that may seem to be the case at school but doesn't necessarily reflect outside school or family connections, etc.
You seem to have slipped into listening and agreeing with your DD at all costs rather than giving her coping mechanisms. If Zara is a manipulative drama queen then it would be better to equip your DD to close her down as quickly as possible eg a firm and quick response to the present question - rather than allow herself to constantly be drawn into long-playing dramas about every correspondence. Also encourage your DD to build other friendships so this group doesn't seem as all-consuming. I know our DC moved on easier from toxic school friendships when they had other friends outside school.

[Waveysnail]

This is why I walked away from school friendship groups and joined couple youth organisations at the age (not easy with lockdown). Made whole group of brilliant friends who I didn't go to school with. Made life much easier as could just leave it at school.