Everyone invited but dd - am I being U?

[Ihaveyourback]

DD (12) started secondary school last year, she found a great group of five girls pretty much on the first day and they hang out every day at school. DD stayed in touch and her friends came over for sleepovers, dinner, they did loads of things together (mainly at our house I may add) etc over the summer after the lockdown, the girls get on very well and all is good. DD noticed that 'Zara' one of the girls was playing two of the girls off against each, and they were vying a little for her attention. No big deal - these things happen between girls.

Fast forward to last week. We booked an activity for this group of friends over the half term and invited them all - dd missed out on her birthday party over lockdown so I had promised her a treat. We then found out that Zara had already booked the activity for her birthday, and she sent dd lots of messages via SM saying she was going with laughing emojis and that dd could still go ahead with her day but they would all be 'pros' as they would have more practice due to her party.

It turns out that Zara has invited the whole group except for dd.

There was not a problem with numbers as we are still allowed six here, so she invited other girls that she never sees and hardly knows over dd - whom she considers to be a very close friend.

DD was very so hurt and cried for a few days. It put me in a terrible position as we had already invited the others girls to the activity including Zara.

Zara is entitled to choose whoever she likes for her party, of course, and if she does not want dd to come then that is fine, however the endless messaging boasting about the girls all going, how fun it was going to be, how much they would be than dd was abit much, and seemed to me quite spiteful.

Zara's Mum meanwhile having accepted the invite, then declined because they were away - so this seemed like a solution, but then she called me to say Zara was so upset not to go with dd could she please be included again, knowing full well Zara had invited everyone but my dd!!!
By this point I was absolutely tired of the messages to dd from Zara, the calls from her mother and cancelled the activity with an excuse that we couldn't make it.

DD now wants to have a sleepover, she wants to invite her friends and definitely does not want to invite Zara who she no longer considers a friend anymore. I don't feel we owe this girl anything.

What do you think? Am I being unreasonable not to invite Zara? I am obviously keen to avoid any further upset but I am really upset for dd.

[Ihaveyourback]

My eldest dd will stay with a friend so we can have the right number re covid restrictions.

DD's decision is that she would rather have no friends at all then a friend like Zara. I think this is a healthy response. I am trying to imagine how I would feel if it was one of my friends. She does understand Zara may well hit back at her - and she said she is going to distance herself anyway. So she does know that by choosing not to invite Zara there may be consequences, and she is okay with that.
I don't think I could possibly invite Zara to be honest, it sends such an unhealthy message to dd that people can treat her very badly, and they still get invited to our house, made to feel welcome. This does not feel right to me at all.

[AlternativePerspective]

Well, given you have your own DD, and (I’m assuming from what you’ve written) at least two other children you can’t actually invite more than two of these girls because of the rule of six.

And FWIW rule of six applies across the whole UK.

I would just let these friendships run their course. At twelve its hard, but tbh getting parents involved makes it all the more hard. Encourage DD to cultivate new friendships before there is a falling out. That way if the other girls fall out with Zara (and they likely will) they will be able to be friends with your DD again without the history of a massive fallout iyswim.

[Halliehallie9828]

Have the sleepover. Don’t invite Zara.

[namechanger0989]

Reinstate the family, dont invite Zara and if the mother asks just say oh sorry, covid rules.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

Similar here

Background like you I’ve had kids here organized parties, Given lifts and collections DD will organize nights out, town trips, etc - all slightly older

DD has fallen out with A, A has now been organizing sleepovers, days out etc leaving DD out and she’s been upset about it.

DD sent them all a message saying she knows about X Y and Z and parents have plastered it all over SM and she’s seen Instagram posts.

2 have apologized and didn’t realize A was doing it on purpose, she’d said DD was busy.

So now A has had a realization that as main organizer she is more likely to be left out of further activities.

[dontdisturbmenow]

You're not responding as to why you've gone ahead with an activity that had already been booked by this girl on her birthday.

[Panicmode1]

@ihaveyourback I found reading Queen Bees and Wannabees quite helpful for understanding all of this.

And having been to an all girls boarding school, I found some of my old anecdotes/experiences helped DD with strategies.

It is horrible. I also have 3 boys and find helping DD o navigate her friendship sagas more exhausting than the total parenting of the 3 boys.. .!

[Brefugee]

your DD sounds like she has a good handle on it. If there is drama and Zara's mum calls I'd just say to her "the girls are old enough to organise it themselves, among themselves, don't you think?"

Bland and completely noncommittal is how i always handled it.

[AryaStarkWolf]

Of course you're not BU, definitely don't invite Zara, a few snubs like this might make her think twice about being so nasty to her "friends" in the future

[MillieVanilla]

Welcome to girls in year 7!
It's a bloody zoo as I recall
DD had a group,one took over, she decided she didn't like DD so told their mutual two mates choose.
DD said to the girls why should they choose, she didn't want anyone to choose, she just liked their friendship, but girls being girls and this particular girl being quite well off she won
It was quite upsetting for DD at the time although she tried to shrug it off.
She is now in year 9 and in a fantastic group, they're genuinely lovely and as she admits they're the arty, misfit crew who like anime and manga and into politics and a few of the group of 8 are LGBTQ.
The other group of 3? Constantly having slanging matches across the year group WhatsApp, two of their mum's have had huge popcorn worthy kick offs on the parent page on Facebook and DD is best shot of them.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it, DD certainly didn't, but have the sleepover without Zara. She will learn from it as will DD. No doubt Zara is concerned your DD is in some way more popular than her (they're all insecure at that age) hence why she is trying to undermine her.

[Ihaveyourback]

I am trying to respond, there are lots of posts don't

We didn't know about the birthday party at all until dd invited the girls the week before we going to do it. It took a few days to come to light that Zara had booked the same thing, and in fact had not invited dd!

We didn't know anything at the time. Once it was established that Zara was doing it, and DD was not, we cancelled it anyway - not because of Zara but because I could not take the girls in the end (I had a minor operation) DD saw her friends anyway, as they were great whilst it was happening so the activity is a bit of a non issue.

Zara messaged dd this morning asking where her birthday present is?

Can you believe the brass neck of some people!!!! Jesus christ.
I am exercising extreme patience with my reply to that one.

[EveryDayIsADuvetDay]

I experienced Zara-like behaviour at primary school (so 50 years ago, and I still squirm at the thought of it, way more than bullies who weren't my "friends"). This was from "the two Christines" - they were ghastly, and thankfully went to a different secondary school.
In my twenties, I started a job where one of them worked for me.
I'm not proud of it, but she didn't keep that job for very long.

[Lookatthemshine]

Just be careful and don’t assume this all comes from Zara. My daughter had a long established friend group all through Primary school. We tended to have activity or trip based birthday parties to which they all came. For her 10th we booked a hall and activity and within 10 minutes of arrival it became patently obvious that one of the girls had had a party the previous week and invited everyone except my daughter. Her party was at her home so no limit on numbers and my daughter realised very quickly and was really hurt. We treated this girl as if nothing had happened and did not bring it up. The thing is that her elder sister is best friends with my other daughter and never mentioned it so obviously had been told not to say anything. Turns out it was the mum’s doing - she decided she didn’t like my daughter (or me - not sure which!) and wouldn’t allow her daughter to invite mine but was happy enough to accept a party invitation for the next week to a relatively expensive activity. The girls made up and continued their friendship but I do not engage with the mother unless necessary and have not invited them to anything since. Some mums are toxic.

[JKRowlingforever]

I think you should trust your daughter. She has behaved well so far and probably had deeper insight into what's going on than you do.

[BorderlineHappy]

You shouldn't have cancelled the activities.Thats just giving in to Zara.

Get the activities rebooked and reinvite everyone except Zara.

You have to have your child's back,and stand up for her.She needs to know this.

[Devilesko]

I used to let mine sort out their own drama's.
Far easier on the blood pressure.
At 12 let them sort it, they'll be mates again in a few days.

[Ihaveyourback]

Usually I have the attitude that we are always going to do the right thing, and it is up to others what they want to do. So for most things we don't tend to be petty and just overlook stroppy behaviour. I have always raised dc to try to avoid tit for tat. I would prefer to do the sleepover later in the year, well away form this drama of a birthday party - but I am sure we are going into another lockdown soon, and so it is now or never.

I don't see why dd should miss out just because Zara is being a pain

[blueangel19]

Sounds like Zara and her mother are a bit toxic. Hopefully your daughter will find better friends and move on.

[WeeMadArthur]

@Ihaveyourback if I were your DD I would be tempted to reply “ I gave it to you at the party ;) “

[Bluntness100]

Op the only reply to the present text is no reply. There is nothing that can be said that won’t make this worse, your daughter needs to take the high road and not respond, any response gives the other girl more power.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

Ohh a plot twist with the present.

What will DD say? She really is a cheeky bitch.

Screen shot and send it to her mother.

[Ihaveyourback]

dd has been ignoring the birthday present request messages, and now Zara has sent her around 20 messages asking her what is wrong and why isn't dd replying Pretty much spamming her.

[throwingawaymyshot]

I wouldn't do any of this due to Covid. I think your interpretation of the rules is very flexible!

[Ihaveyourback]

She has since messaged the other girls saying dd is 'annoyed' with her and she doesn't know why. Other girls are now messaging dd to see what is wrong.

Wfh?!

[ittakes2]

It’s sounds very similar to what my 14 year old goes through. I think thought when Zara’s mum called I would have said to her how your daughter felt about not being invited to Zara’s party and I would not have cancelled the activity. This stuff seems a nightmare but I am taking the view that these sort of dramas helps our daughters decide what sort of people they want to be friends with - and if your daughter has understandably decided Zara is not for her I think you need to put her feelings over Zara. Zara needs to learn she can treat people badly without consequences.