Everyone invited but dd - am I being U?

[Ihaveyourback]

DD (12) started secondary school last year, she found a great group of five girls pretty much on the first day and they hang out every day at school. DD stayed in touch and her friends came over for sleepovers, dinner, they did loads of things together (mainly at our house I may add) etc over the summer after the lockdown, the girls get on very well and all is good. DD noticed that 'Zara' one of the girls was playing two of the girls off against each, and they were vying a little for her attention. No big deal - these things happen between girls.

Fast forward to last week. We booked an activity for this group of friends over the half term and invited them all - dd missed out on her birthday party over lockdown so I had promised her a treat. We then found out that Zara had already booked the activity for her birthday, and she sent dd lots of messages via SM saying she was going with laughing emojis and that dd could still go ahead with her day but they would all be 'pros' as they would have more practice due to her party.

It turns out that Zara has invited the whole group except for dd.

There was not a problem with numbers as we are still allowed six here, so she invited other girls that she never sees and hardly knows over dd - whom she considers to be a very close friend.

DD was very so hurt and cried for a few days. It put me in a terrible position as we had already invited the others girls to the activity including Zara.

Zara is entitled to choose whoever she likes for her party, of course, and if she does not want dd to come then that is fine, however the endless messaging boasting about the girls all going, how fun it was going to be, how much they would be than dd was abit much, and seemed to me quite spiteful.

Zara's Mum meanwhile having accepted the invite, then declined because they were away - so this seemed like a solution, but then she called me to say Zara was so upset not to go with dd could she please be included again, knowing full well Zara had invited everyone but my dd!!!
By this point I was absolutely tired of the messages to dd from Zara, the calls from her mother and cancelled the activity with an excuse that we couldn't make it.

DD now wants to have a sleepover, she wants to invite her friends and definitely does not want to invite Zara who she no longer considers a friend anymore. I don't feel we owe this girl anything.

What do you think? Am I being unreasonable not to invite Zara? I am obviously keen to avoid any further upset but I am really upset for dd.

You are far too invested in the minutiae of all this. Pull back.

Your role is supporting your daughter and helping her to develop resilience, not getting involved with manufactured teen drama.

Your DD sounds a level headed girl.

This has already started for my DD who is only 9. She was left out of a playdate, which she was hurt by as she is the better friend to both of the girls in question. As she is young she did start crying about it on the walk home from school but not in front of the girls when they were collected together and went off for their playdate. I was surprised as I told her they can't always have huge playdates so there are 4 in the group but two had gone off together and one was ill. However, it transpires they had been rubbing it in all day and passing each other notes about what fun they were going to have and one had told her she wasn't invited. The Mum organising the playdate text me that evening saying she hoped that my DD was not hurt by the arrangements. But I was direct in my text back as in all honesty her DD has form for being a bit off with her comments so will suggest my DD has babyish clothes etc and that she is 'weird' in the way she behaves sometines. She can be very manipulative. I was direct in my reply and confirmed that she was hurt by all the gloating about the playdate not about the playdate itself. I don't think in that position that I would want my DD's behaviour to remain unchecked and for her to grow up to be unkind. It is important for your DD to know how to shrug it off but it is also necessary IMO to highlight the other child's shortcomings in the context you describe OP. However, I have a 13 year old boy and I know that secondary school friends are not something you get hugely involved with as a parent.

I know this is not strictly relevant to your AIBU but you’ve got me thinking about my now adult DD’s peers at that age.

We had the DD of a celebrity in my DD’s class from Y7 until she left in Y10 - that was interesting to observe!. Celebrity in question was lovely, but her DD was put on a pedestal not by the other girls but by their parents who were desperate to forge a bond with the celeb parent and desperate to glue their child to this girl regardless of her behaviour. A nice enough girl but the power went to her head and there were huge problems with isolation of individuals and nasty bullying by her followers. Celeb mother tearing her hair out as she just wanted a normal school life for her DD and for her DD to learn to manage friendships in the normal way. My DD was firmly in the geeky group and not really part of it but the behaviour of some of the parents was pretty comical/tragic - parental over-involvement on steroids and no good came of it. Bit of a relief for many when the girl left I think.

'Zara' is asking where her birthday present is? And now harassing her.
What a little cow.
I went to an all girls school and deffo would not repeat those bitchy days.
I remember I done netball after school in y7 on my birthday and made a joke to a 'Zara' friend 'god butter fingers' when she missed catching the ball, we had been friends since we were 3. Her mother rang the house phone, asked to speak to me and told me off! Of course my mother went ballistic and that was the end of our friendship. At the end of the school year her mother had rang the school to say Dd was having a hard time with friendships at school and to see if our form teacher could ask if I could hang around with her again. I'd got a completely new friendship group by then.
I'd suggest only get involved if you really have to and just teach DD to be straight talking and stand up for herself. Zara will be the one licking her wounds eventually. It took me until year 9 to find a wonderful group of friends who were all like minded and had similar personalities

OP,
You have had a variety of great advice here.

Zara isn't kind and is one of those girls that isn't happy unless they are stirring things up, aided by her mother.

Your daughter sounds great.
Personally I would back away from the sleepover.

The other friend in the group that appears to be pulling away should be invited over for a 1 on 1.

Invite friends from outside school to your house as much as possible, it dilutes the power of school dynamics if it can be left a bit there.

Zara with the gift text is just a little brat, dragged up obviously, and trying to create further drama.

Advise your daughter to keep replying "everything is fine, just busy"...and keep her busy elsewhere.

One way or another Zara is going to blow stuff up, so the further your daughter is from it the better.

If the rest of the group are so in awe of Zara and are scared of her, they really aren't great friend material either.

Best IMO to encourage your daughter to be self reliant, avoid drama, to work on her friendships with nicer girls.

I certainly wouldn't engage with Zara's mother, she sounds like the dregs, facilitating Zara's screaming to go to your daughters birthday by calling you would be enough for me.
If she's bending to this behaviour at 12, what control will she have at 15🙄.

Back away and encourage every other friendship.

Best of luck.

I agree that you need to bolster DD. She just has to say to Zara and the rest, I assume there is a group chat?

Zara why are you spamming me with messages asking where your present is? I wasn't invited to your party... And actually I find it rude your even asking. Entitled much....

Because I'll bet the others want to but are afraid to stand up to Zara. And Zara inviting non group friends is Zaras way of trying to get in with another group as a fail safe. I have a 13yr old, I feel your pain but you've just gotta be direct!!

Oh and and absolutely back DD up with her sleepover.

Zara and her mum sound awful- I suspect the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree and so Zara has been influenced by her mother's attitude/moral codes when it comes to friendships.
I really recommend you have a read of Queen Bees and Wannabees- I'm reading it at the moment and it gives good insight into the Zara's of this world and how to handle them. The book is also making me feel more confident about supporting my own DD when she gets to secondary if she encounters any friendship issues. The key thing to impart to your daughter is that girls like Zara, who try to control and manipulate people in this way, are doing so because of deep seated insecurities- this doesn't excuse her actions, but sometimes understand the actions can help teens rationalise what is happening and help them understand it isn't anything personal about them. Zara is the one with the problem, Zara and her mum are the ones who needs to address it. I would encourage your daughter to speak to Zara/message her and say that she was initially hurt when she wasn't invited to Zara's birthday as she thought they were good friends, she now understands that their friendship wasn't as close as she believed and that is fine. However she is confused as to why Z is so keen to go to her party after Z's actions have made it clear they aren't really that close?

You should’ve gone ahead with the original activity without Zara, as you were entirely blameless that she could not attend. By cancelling you have shown this child that she also gets to dictate what activities happen in your household, as well as her own.

Have the sleepover and do not invite her.

@Ihaveyourback

ghost how did you deal with it - did you stand up to your Zara? It is definitely the case that it is dd's 'turn' to be left out, as the other girls have all had this happen to them one by one in the last year. All sorts of drama and upset, up to now dd has managed to stay out of it, and just be friends with everyone.

Can someone more informed than me tell me why on earth girls do this? What does Zara have to gain by being like this?

Zara gets to gain absolute control, the feeling of power of being the Queen Bee of the group, the knowledge that she will never be rejected because she has successfully managed to manipulate all the others in the group by individually excluding them one at a time. Zara's greatest fear is rejection- hence why she has spammed your daughter 20 times about why she isn't replying. Your daughter's silence is a sign Zara is losing her grip/her power over your DD. This type of behaviour is learned, it isn't innate in children. I feel very sorry for Zara in some ways because clearly her upbringing has not supported her developing into an emotionally healthy young girl up til this point. Someone needs to hold a mirror up to Zara for her to see her own behaviours and reflect on how and why they are so unhealthy and toxic, not just to others like your DD but to her as well. Zara's approach to relationships are being cemented over the next few years and if no-one intervenes (I am not suggesting it is for you to do so as it isn't) then she will become stuck in toxic habits like the ones she is displaying at the moment and her issues of low self esteem and rejection will go un addressed, making her more vulnerable to being in unhealthy relationships, perhaps even abusive relationships herself in the future.

My dd was at school with a Zara. At age 9 she actively left dd out and tried to stop other friend’s mixing with dd. I went into school for that and the teacher was brilliant and stopped it immediately.
For the rest of primary my dd had limited contact with the girl but her other friends still did.
As an adult the friendship group meant that dd was part of the same group about twice a year. Eventually this girl invited the group to a girls night at her new home. They were all in their mid 20’s.
She showed them the sleeping arrangements and 4 were sharing in 2 rooms and my dd was put in a box room on her own.
Next morning she got up early and left.
The girl got married last year, this year she’s getting divorced and I am not surprised. Some people are just plain nasty.

Definitely queen bee behaviour. Maybe sees your daughter as a threat.

Dd seems to have her head screwed on. But how many of her friends messaged after the event to say they were sad she wasn't there. Why was there no chat beforehand about it, were they told not to mention it. Either of these shows that their loyalty is definitely pulled. And this may be complicated

Oh god, you’re all doing really well. It would be so easy to play this spamming with the mean girl route of “why are you obsessed with me/Zara’s obsessed with me”.

I hope the other girls are being nice and not doing Zara’s needling. For your daughter to recognise the toxicity at her age is incredibly mature.

I do wonder what it takes to make a Zara but in this case it sounds like her mum will bend over backwards to please her demanding daughter.

You’re both handling this so well x

I lived with a girl like this at uni. She would choose someone in our house to pick on and turn everyone against, then when she got bored destroying that person she'd move on to someone else. It was really upsetting but the others played into her hands all the time. I kept well out of it, always gave her a very wide berth and never joined in with ganging up on her chosen victim. In fact when she picked a victim I'd go out of my way to make sure they were OK. She never turned on me but we weren't close and she knew I didn't like her very much, we didn't keep in touch after uni. Your daughter needs to distance herself from Zara and focus on the people she likes in the group. If they all choose to align themselves with Zara and play her games then she really is better off choosing other friends. Don't get involved in talking to the mum about it, just focus on giving your daughter good advice.

@Ihaveyourback

grumbly I have no idea who hangs out with who, but I do know dd and Zara and the other girls have been together since day one. The other girls invited are part of another group entirely, and dd said were probably wondering why they were even invited. The groups at this age can be quite fixed (I don't endorse that btw) but that has been my experience.

About the school groups at this age being fixed... not my experience nor my friends and we have DD’s in years 9 and 10. Many group fluctuations, mergers, swaps and outright coups. Teen girls here are fickle creatures. Sometimes it’s good though and dumping nasty friends is doable.

If you haven't see Mean Girls, based on the aforementioned Queen Bees book, do - she's a Regina George! It's basically a power play. She's done this to all of them to show how "awful" it is to be left out be her so they will fall in line, in order to avoid it again. I bet she'll be the same in her 20s.

Sometimes women and girls are their own worst enemy. Op you have received some great advice. I'd like to add that ime girls like that don't change, they turn into the school mums to avoid and colleagues from hell.

Year 7/8 girls and social media has to be the most toxic combination of the lot.

Your DD sounds very sensible, OP. I suggest she replies to the other girls' "what's going on?" messages with "nothing - everything's fine. I'm just really busy with family/out of school friends" or some such.

She should ignore the "where are my present?" messages, and reply with something banal ("hope you had a good birthday"; "hope your half term is going well"; "busy here - sure you are too!") That way, she's not blanking Zara, but not stoking the drama either.

The other girls will be absolutely loving being part of a potential drama, unfortunately.

I do not miss those days, either from my own school experience (all girls) or my DD's (also all girls).

Dd has been out with some other friends from her old school today, and they have such a uncomplicated friendships, she came back in a great mood. I hope she carries on seeing a lot of her out of school friends. She is lucky to have them, and not have to rely so much on school groups at least in the holidays.

I just feel Zara and her mother are CFs. Pure and simple.

I had Zara over in the summer a lot because they needed our help with childcare. DD has been a great friend to her, but never has the kindness been returned.
Choosing not to have someone like this in her life is probably for the best, and I will quietly support her decision.

I would not say I was over invested at all, I don't have time to be, but I do very much care and she was really very very upset for a few days. She was quite devastated in her own way, because she has never had the experience before with a so called friend, and she was blindsided by it I think. We had school refusal, and she couldn't sleep well etc. She has since rebounded and feeling happy again. The half term break has helped.

DD just texted back saying she was good and out shopping to her other As you all say they are lifelong skills learning to deal with the Zaras of the world.
I will buy Queen bees book, thank you for the recommendation!

You should have said something to the mum when she rang you. YANBU.

I didn't speak to the mother netflix she left a voicemail on my phone.
As a rule I tend to leave my dc to sort out their own affairs, I don't think I have ever contacted a parent about any issues. This hasn't been a terrible strategy in the past.

That's great she is out with other friends.
Spending time with nice uncomplicated friends will strengthen her resolve.

The fact you provided childcare for Zara's mother would irritate me so much.

The cheek of her not to invite your daughter.
Funny how these types always impose and use and abuse.

I would find it very difficult to be barely polite to her.
I certainly wouldn't want her in my house again.

Awful people mother and daughter.

Thats pretty much how I feel billy Mother is the smiling assassin type - she is a ruthless networker, I could see it pretty much immediately when we first met but Zara seemed very sweet initially and dd liked her, so we made them both extremely welcome in our lives.

I do feel used.

I am quite angry that Zara feels entitled to come to dd's activities but does not any need to reciprocate - that is just rude

Worse still she is now demanding a bloody birthday present even though dd was not invited.

I have never ever met people like this in my whole life, and I am shocked to be honest at how unbelievably rude and entitled they both are. If it was not happening to us I am not sure I would believe anyone could be this cheeky!!

Zara: Where is my birthday present?
DD: I got you the same thing you got me.
Zara: I didn't get you anything.
DD: Exactly.

@alloutofducks

Year 7/8 girls and social media has to be the most toxic combination of the lot.

Your DD sounds very sensible, OP. I suggest she replies to the other girls' "what's going on?" messages with "nothing - everything's fine. I'm just really busy with family/out of school friends" or some such.

She should ignore the "where are my present?" messages, and reply with something banal ("hope you had a good birthday"; "hope your half term is going well"; "busy here - sure you are too!") That way, she's not blanking Zara, but not stoking the drama either.

The other girls will be absolutely loving being part of a potential drama, unfortunately.

I do not miss those days, either from my own school experience (all girls) or my DD's (also all girls).

I agree about the response to Zara. Blanking her is feeding the drama and honestly is probably a little rude (though understandable). Perhaps she can be honest about birthday present and say 'in my family we get them for people if we go to their party'. Mainly be polite though, but distant.