Everyone invited but dd - am I being U?

[Ihaveyourback]

DD (12) started secondary school last year, she found a great group of five girls pretty much on the first day and they hang out every day at school. DD stayed in touch and her friends came over for sleepovers, dinner, they did loads of things together (mainly at our house I may add) etc over the summer after the lockdown, the girls get on very well and all is good. DD noticed that 'Zara' one of the girls was playing two of the girls off against each, and they were vying a little for her attention. No big deal - these things happen between girls.

Fast forward to last week. We booked an activity for this group of friends over the half term and invited them all - dd missed out on her birthday party over lockdown so I had promised her a treat. We then found out that Zara had already booked the activity for her birthday, and she sent dd lots of messages via SM saying she was going with laughing emojis and that dd could still go ahead with her day but they would all be 'pros' as they would have more practice due to her party.

It turns out that Zara has invited the whole group except for dd.

There was not a problem with numbers as we are still allowed six here, so she invited other girls that she never sees and hardly knows over dd - whom she considers to be a very close friend.

DD was very so hurt and cried for a few days. It put me in a terrible position as we had already invited the others girls to the activity including Zara.

Zara is entitled to choose whoever she likes for her party, of course, and if she does not want dd to come then that is fine, however the endless messaging boasting about the girls all going, how fun it was going to be, how much they would be than dd was abit much, and seemed to me quite spiteful.

Zara's Mum meanwhile having accepted the invite, then declined because they were away - so this seemed like a solution, but then she called me to say Zara was so upset not to go with dd could she please be included again, knowing full well Zara had invited everyone but my dd!!!
By this point I was absolutely tired of the messages to dd from Zara, the calls from her mother and cancelled the activity with an excuse that we couldn't make it.

DD now wants to have a sleepover, she wants to invite her friends and definitely does not want to invite Zara who she no longer considers a friend anymore. I don't feel we owe this girl anything.

What do you think? Am I being unreasonable not to invite Zara? I am obviously keen to avoid any further upset but I am really upset for dd.

[Ihaveyourback]

Dd has replied now to Zara with a laughing emoji and then changed the subject to dressing up day.

[ILoveYoga]

Frankly, I’d wonder why you’ve not advised your daughter to publicly ask Zara, in front of the other girls, does she really mean to be so unkind? I often found when bullies were called out for their behaviour, they’d soon stop it.

[Ihaveyourback]

She hasn't seen Zara this holiday, dd has spent time with other friends. Monday will be the first time, and I don't think she is looking forward to it at all.

[BorderlineHappy]

You have served your uses re childcare.So that explains your dd not been invited.

But remember the next time when she asks for a favour,Just say no,

[Ihaveyourback]

I definitely won't be doing any more favours, that is for sure.

[alloutofducks]

@ILoveYoga

Frankly, I’d wonder why you’ve not advised your daughter to publicly ask Zara, in front of the other girls, does she really mean to be so unkind? I often found when bullies were called out for their behaviour, they’d soon stop it.

Because that feeds the drama. The other girls would be dining out on it for several days, and would likely rope in a few others, too.

Banal and breezy is the way to go. OP's daughter has it spot on.

[CorianderLord]

I don't envy your daughter Op. I'll never forget the viciousness and underhanded was of teenage girls. Do we all go mad at 12 and then see the light at 19? Poor kid

[whiskybysidedoor]

Wtf? Is this for real? You have a very liberal interpretation of the Covid rules.

You need to stay out of your DD’s friendships as well I’ve never heard of any parent being this involved. She’s 12 not 4. You all sound crackers.

[Itsallpointless]

Worse still she is now demanding a bloody birthday present even though dd was not invited.

What??? Is this for real? Oh my goodness, the neck of her

OP encourage your DD to have groups outside of school, completely different people she can be friends with away from all the drama girls can emit.

I was bullied, and still to this day, I feel the effects of it. Nip this in the bud, and tell Z and her bloody mother to jog on..makes my blood boil

[Bluepolkadots42]

@GeorgiaGirl52 LOVE this

[BrightSunshineDay]

I don't know where you are OP but I'm pretty sure mixing of 6 different households indoors is not allowed regardless of what tier you're in. Stupid idea.

[Itsallpointless]

Surround your DD with loving/caring relationships, ensure she knows her worth OP, v v important. These types strip you of your self esteem.

To the PP who said the Zara of today is the the school gate mum of tomorrow is spot on, horrors absolute horrors!

[SoloMummy]

@Ihaveyourback

I missed the call from Zara'a mother, and she left a voicemail to say she had messed up (re the holiday excuse) and Zara really wanted to go to DD's activity and was screaming at her to fix it. She actually said this on her voicemail message!

To be honest I was absolutely incredulous listening to it, I don't know how the woman had the audacity to call me - she apologised on the voicemail that dd could not go to the party, and blamed it all on covid and it could not be helped. We both know it is a lie, as six are allowed but she had no problem lying to me about this. I just texted back that we couldn't go ahead with the activity after all and a few pleasantries and left at that.

I did think about calling the mother back, but to be honest I have other teen dds and know better than to get parents involved. Seen many car crashes in my time when the mothers fall out! It can makes things worse. The mother clearly has no qualms about her dd's game playing and is happy to support/lying for her dd all the way! I am more worried about why the mother thinks this is okay than Zara to be honest.

I have said to dd I am not sure Zara is a good friend as it turns out, and she might be better off distancing herself anyway.

Zara is a very clever girl, and it seems to me like she is playing games, and not really interested in proper friendship. The other girls that were being played against each other have distanced slightly from Zara, and one in particularly has decided to leave the group.

Yanbu to not invite her and I'd step back from the mother and zara.
However, the covid thing could be true, if for example she has cousins or other friends outside of school to invite as part of the 6...

Im so glad to not have girls...

[ApricotOLeary]

Girls aren't all the same...

[ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs]

My dd is 15and is in a toxic group of friends like this. They leave her out of everything. Dd realises they are toxic, and we talk a LOT about it. I don't get involved with the other girls, I just support dd. She is strong and very self aware. I can't fix it, but I can be there to talk to her. It's shit, but it is what it is.

[SoloMummy]

@ApricotOLeary

Girls aren't all the same...

True, but sadly many are and experience this bitchy stuff.

And I bet most of us can recall similar bitchy episodes from our youths.

[Radyward]

I would absolutely not have any "friend " of my 11 yr old daughter in our house for a sleepover making my own DD uncomfortable in her own home end of.
The most important person in all this is your DD.i think zaras mum was nuts getting involved in invites and getting her DD "back in " just invite who your DD wants over .I think you were right not to bring up zaras get together to her mum. That's micro managing.

[Frestba]

My dd was stuck in primary with a girl like this. Thankfully she was put in a different form in secondary. Finally she has a group of lovely friends who don't bully or manipulate or exclude her. They're just nice to one another. Who knew you could find girls like this! And even better, these girls have nice parents. The other girl continues to bully and torment aged 15. Get your dd to find new friends. Encourage her to not invite this one. And be thankful when your dd isn't invited back. They don't need to put up with people being shitty to them.

[ApricotOLeary]

SoloMummy You are sounding quite sexist. It's probably just as well you didn't have girls

[ApricotOLeary]

Op, if i were you I'd advise your dd to find a nicer bunch of friends. There are plenty of nice girls in any school. I have teenage dds and remember plenty of nice girls at my own girls' school too

[Itsallpointless]

@ApricotOLeary nothing sexist about bitchy girls, it's a fact, I have a girl AND a boy

[ApricotOLeary]

So what?. It still doesn't mean that all girls are bitchy and people are lucky not to have daughters as Solomummy thinks she is

[Pinkyxx]

My DD recently had her 'Zara' experience and it ended up being a long painful but ultimately incredibly empowering experience for her...

Whilst the Zara saga goes back to year 2 it's too long to tell here so I'll give the last few years only. Between year 2 and 3, DD frequently had no friends, Zara made sure of it. She read books at play time, was lonely and felt very hurt a lot of the time. She be let back in, then kicked back out.. It was tough to watch. DD was the black sheep in year 4, then in year 5 became Zara's BBF (to my horror but DD's delight). DD then watched / listened to Zara maneuver her next victim in the group to isolation. Zara mocked this poor child in a very unkind way making out there was something 'wrong' with her developmentally. Zara also is delighted by provoking this victim into tears over a game which I shan't bore you with the details of. Victim's party ends up with Zara locking herself in the toilet over not being allowed to do something, I forget what it was. DD learnt about various 'porky pies' Zara tells her Mum.. for example the victim has done X,Y, Z which isn't actually true...

The temptation to get involved was overwhelming. I managed to restrain myself...

Eventually, DD decided she really didn't like being part of what felt 'wrong' . One day she decided she'd take a break and play with another group for a while. Zara noted the falling out of rank... a serious of chinese whispers started about DD 'being mean' for no reason to Zara.. and she's so upset to lose her BBF.

DD was horrified, outraged. Again, the temptation to get involved and tell DD what to was overwhelming, I really felt this was a seminal moment so we talked 'scenarios'... played out what she might do, and what might happen.... My contribution was to role play and offer a metaphor for her to chew on - friends can be radiators or drains... one reflects happiness back to you / the other drains it out of you. Various scenarios later DD decided to:

1. Out Zara to the poor girl who was tagged for isolation
2. Freeze out Zara.

She decided no friends was better than being in a group where she'd been a pawn in a power game which no one won. It didn't feel good to be there. The effect was:

1. Zara had was ''weeping herself to sleep at night and refusing to go to school'' (according to her Mother)
2. Zara's Mum can't understand why DD has turned on Zara... could I explain
3. Zara up's the ante on things DD has been done, widens the circle of who she tells.
4. Zara opens the door of the changing room when DD is in only her underwear after PE - knowing several boys are in the corridor. Point at DD's pants and says some quip...
5. DD is livid but resolute, stands firm.
6. DD leans into new friends, who rally around her.
7. Zara's Mum asks for 'summit' before another class party to ''fix this'' ( I refused to get involved in discussing with her - girls need to sort it out)
8. DD agrees to summit. #awkward
9. DD and Zara sit in her room. DD says her piece of why she didn't want to friends (victim treatment being wrong, spreading lies etc, lying to her Mum on why they weren't friends etc) but says if you come clean, we can be friends again.

Fast forward to now... Zara never came clean. Her Loss...

DD learnt a very good lesson to choose friends wisely and invest in those who make her feel valued. The best thing I did was to keep out if it. It was tempting oh so tempting, but she'd have learnt nothing.

[ApricotOLeary]

I do feel for people who've written off a whole sex as bitchy due to their experiences. It's really sad

[Itsallpointless]

@ApricotOLeary apologies, I did not see the remark about being glad not having girls. That is sad indeed, whilst I agree wholeheartedly about the bitchiness between girls, I certainly wouldn't swap my boy..