Everyone invited but dd - am I being U?

[Ihaveyourback]

DD (12) started secondary school last year, she found a great group of five girls pretty much on the first day and they hang out every day at school. DD stayed in touch and her friends came over for sleepovers, dinner, they did loads of things together (mainly at our house I may add) etc over the summer after the lockdown, the girls get on very well and all is good. DD noticed that 'Zara' one of the girls was playing two of the girls off against each, and they were vying a little for her attention. No big deal - these things happen between girls.

Fast forward to last week. We booked an activity for this group of friends over the half term and invited them all - dd missed out on her birthday party over lockdown so I had promised her a treat. We then found out that Zara had already booked the activity for her birthday, and she sent dd lots of messages via SM saying she was going with laughing emojis and that dd could still go ahead with her day but they would all be 'pros' as they would have more practice due to her party.

It turns out that Zara has invited the whole group except for dd.

There was not a problem with numbers as we are still allowed six here, so she invited other girls that she never sees and hardly knows over dd - whom she considers to be a very close friend.

DD was very so hurt and cried for a few days. It put me in a terrible position as we had already invited the others girls to the activity including Zara.

Zara is entitled to choose whoever she likes for her party, of course, and if she does not want dd to come then that is fine, however the endless messaging boasting about the girls all going, how fun it was going to be, how much they would be than dd was abit much, and seemed to me quite spiteful.

Zara's Mum meanwhile having accepted the invite, then declined because they were away - so this seemed like a solution, but then she called me to say Zara was so upset not to go with dd could she please be included again, knowing full well Zara had invited everyone but my dd!!!
By this point I was absolutely tired of the messages to dd from Zara, the calls from her mother and cancelled the activity with an excuse that we couldn't make it.

DD now wants to have a sleepover, she wants to invite her friends and definitely does not want to invite Zara who she no longer considers a friend anymore. I don't feel we owe this girl anything.

What do you think? Am I being unreasonable not to invite Zara? I am obviously keen to avoid any further upset but I am really upset for dd.

[Nanny0gg]

@aztecnik

How awful are these girls? Are teenage boys like this?

I have a DD and I hope at that age that she keeps her head down at school and works hard as well as having a supportive group of friends who are just as enthusiastic about learning as she is.

Some boys are. It's not exclusive to girls but it can be more physical

[Watermelon999]

@cannotchange

I really feel for your dd and you. We had this sort of behaviour from the summer of year 7 until the middle of year 9. Lockdown worked well for us. My daughter was/is very confident and outgoing, and won’t suffer fools gladly, she was reduced to a shell. It was an awful time. At one time she was told she could sit with them at lunch but was not allowed to speak.

She took herself completely away, sometimes spent lunchtimes alone, and was never invited to anything for about a year. I did go into school, but she felt it was made worse. She tried to make new friends, but often the other girl would commandeer them into their group.

Lockdown gave her some breathing space, and the ringleader moved onto being mean to a couple of the other girls (the sheep). My daughter was there for them (the sheep) as she knew what it felt like, and they are now back as great friends, with no issues.

I’m glad she sorted things herself and I didn’t get too involved. My gut feeling was to march around to the parents house and say my piece as I knew them, but from speaking to the parents of the sheep now, they were oblivious to what was happening, and were just pleased their daughters had friends and were socialising.

My elder dd had no problems all through school, so it’s not all girls.

[ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs]

I have 2 dds- eldest one had a bust up with her friendship group early on in S1, eventually made a new group and they are still a tight unit in S6. I suspect they are known as the Geek squad, but they are lovely girls and never really squabble!

DD2 (15) is in a group of more "popular" girls, and it is a horrible group! The Zara of the group has been one of dd's friends since primary school, and she does the usual playing them all off against each other. Dd would like to get into a new group, but says it's "not as easy as that!" We have had so many discussions, and I have facilitated any effort to make new friends, but she keeps going back to the same people.

I think our "Zara" is very insecure, and I have no malice towards her, as I genuinely feel for her. She has had a troubled family life, is overweight and actually has little self confidence. DD understands that the way she makes herself feel better is to put her friends down. My dd is (of course!) gorgeous, intelligent and funny, which must seem threatening to Zara.

DD says she wouldn't mind being left out if it wasn't for the fact they plaster it all over SM with no regard for her feelings. They told her they were all too busy to go out with her on her birthday, then put pictures of them all out together all over Instagram! She has called them on it several times, and they just act all hurt that she is "being awkward", she has given up. Sometimes she is very stoical about it, other times she gets upset. But she knows she is the only one who can fix it/ change it! I'm happy to listen as much as she needs, but only she can make the move!

[Ihaveyourback]

Have you considered moving your dd's school can? In my experience once deep rooted industrial scale bullying takes hold, even with some well meaning teachers - the culture of the school is adversely affected and with the best will in the world, none of the children will come out unscathed. I would look at moving her if you have lost faith in their ability to address the issue headon.

[cannotchange]

Where we live this is supposed to be the best school in our area, the other schools have really bad reputations. So moving school doesn't seem to be an option.

But there are so many things about this 'amazing' school I am disappointed about, from the curriculum to the sport, the standards of uniform and behaviour, I could go on. Let alone the toxic atmosphere.

[Feministicon]

Fuck Zara

[SmilingSimon]

My daughter is in this position at the moment. Being pushed out of her friendship group - separate whatsapp group, they all get matching bags/clothing, when she brings it up she gets told she is too sensitive, called pathetic. She is too sensitive and could be more assertive but is very kind and forgiving. and doen't have it in her to be harsh,

Unfortunately , she is suffering with being judged and has lost her sparkle and confidence. So she tries harder to get their attention and is slightly desperate and so the cycle continues.

I have tried to tell her that the less she cares the easier it will be......but she is not made that way. God, so much easier when they were younger!

[BluebellsGreenbells]

You can see she’s clearly being bullied. Agreeing she’s too sensitive only alines with the bullies.

I hope she finds her confidence to move groups and leave these witches to each other.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

@SmilingSimon

My daughter is in this position at the moment. Being pushed out of her friendship group - separate whatsapp group, they all get matching bags/clothing, when she brings it up she gets told she is too sensitive, called pathetic. She is too sensitive and could be more assertive but is very kind and forgiving. and doen't have it in her to be harsh,

Unfortunately , she is suffering with being judged and has lost her sparkle and confidence. So she tries harder to get their attention and is slightly desperate and so the cycle continues.

I have tried to tell her that the less she cares the easier it will be......but she is not made that way. God, so much easier when they were younger!

I agree with Bluebells. By branding your dd as too sensitive is aligning with your dd’s bullies.

[billy1966]

OP,
How did your daughter get on yesterday in school?

[Ihaveyourback]

Thank you Billy, she went in bright and breezy and it seemed okay. Zara of course tried to create drama by telling the others that dd doesn't like her anymore, we preempted that thankfully, so she was quick to say she was completely fine and asked them how they were. Honestly it is like an exhausting game of chess.

I don't know how it is going to work out, she feels really strongly that Zara is history as far as friendship goes, and who can blame her. She is being civil and that is it. Zara seems unnerved and sent messages inviting her to sleepovers etc last night, but dd said she is fake and just trying to reel her in again. I suspect she is right. Thank goodness for the lockdown it was an easy answer. Other girls joined dd at break etc, and some have definitely distanced from Zara, so there is hope!!!!

My girls will be the death of me one day, there is literally barely a day that passes that someone isn't in need of a listening ear. It is part of being a parent, but I find it quite tiring. I should be charging for the service, I would be a millionaire!

I have older dds and their problems with the MH fallout of the lockdown (attempted suicide, serious wide spread self harm, eating disorders) remind me on a daily basis that as difficult as this is with Zara, many many more serious things are happening to our kids right now not to discount dd's experience obv. x

[Griselda1]

Sounds like Zara's mum will phone and ask you why she's not invited. Prepare for that and remain factual by referring back to the non invite to the activity.

[billy1966]

Op,

Great to read about your 12 year old.

However, that sounds so hard re your olser girls.

Drama and girls seem to go hand in hand.

All you need is one trying to stir things up.

If your daughter can remain bright and breezy while ever so slowly inching away and moving towards others, that would be great.

With girls like Zara there will alway be drama so the earlier you move away the better.

I have it drummed into mine about staying away from the drama girls....they just bring grief.

I wouldn't entertain the mother in any way should she call.

In fact I would avoid her calls.

Mind yourself OP.
It sounds like you have had a very tough time.

[Ihaveyourback]

dig helping our children make sense of this type of person, and knowing what to look for - and to stay away from them is a lesson well learnt, but usually a painful one. I am sorry your dd is going through this too. As if we didn't have enough to worry about!

Billy should have said older dd's friends not my dds. But still such a worry for us all, as we care all of them. Will be glad when this year is over, I think I probably speak for lots of people. We have next years key exams and no idea of the landscape by then! Interesting times. Thank you for your support

[BloggersBlog]

@cannotchange how has your daughter got on?

[cannotchange]

A bit better thank you - some days are better than others

[Ihaveyourback]

Just an update:

Zara's group of friends seems to be disintegrating by the day. Two of the girls who were sad that dd was left out have decided the group is not for them, and they have started hanging out with lots of other girls. DD seems relaxed, she is being polite to Zara but they are no longer friends. It seems some of the other parents were not impressed either, and maybe advised their dds to be careful around Zara. One friend told dd her Mum has told her to play with other people and not just with Zara.

So it seems to have backfired on Zara. Just for once, things seem to have worked out as you would hope (but rarely do) Dd seems to happy at school (touch wood) and I am hoping it will just settle down.
Something tells me (perhaps experience) that we haven't heard the last from Zara, as girls like that rarely change, but at least dd now won't be in her line of fire if she isn't hanging out with her anymore. Zara apparently struggled to find someone to sit with for lunch yesterday, and had to ask to join dd's table, a small part of me jumped for joy when I heard that. I am hoping Zara is learning something about how to treat others kindly from this.

[Nanny0gg]

@Ihaveyourback

Just an update:

Zara's group of friends seems to be disintegrating by the day. Two of the girls who were sad that dd was left out have decided the group is not for them, and they have started hanging out with lots of other girls. DD seems relaxed, she is being polite to Zara but they are no longer friends. It seems some of the other parents were not impressed either, and maybe advised their dds to be careful around Zara. One friend told dd her Mum has told her to play with other people and not just with Zara.

So it seems to have backfired on Zara. Just for once, things seem to have worked out as you would hope (but rarely do) Dd seems to happy at school (touch wood) and I am hoping it will just settle down.
Something tells me (perhaps experience) that we haven't heard the last from Zara, as girls like that rarely change, but at least dd now won't be in her line of fire if she isn't hanging out with her anymore. Zara apparently struggled to find someone to sit with for lunch yesterday, and had to ask to join dd's table, a small part of me jumped for joy when I heard that. I am hoping Zara is learning something about how to treat others kindly from this.

That's lovely for your DD.

I hope the other girls are at least kind to Zara. She won't learn if everyone just turns against her. She'll blame them, not herself.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

Zara will find another child to be spiteful to. They always do.

The girl who bullied DD also started high school with no friends because she was unkind to all -

[billy1966]

Great update OP, delighted to read it.

Lends such weight to the advice a friend gave me many moons ago when my children started school.

Encourage the friendships with the children of nice parents, more of a chance
the children will be nice too.

Those other parents can also read the situation and have enough cop on to want to avoid similar drama and upset so have advised their daughter's to step away.

It is exactly what a decent person would do.

Personally I wouldn't be encouraging any further involvement there.

You are very lucky it has resolved itself so easily.

Another group of girls and it might have been a bloodbath.😬

No doubt your daughter has learnt much from this.

[Ihaveyourback]

I am not counting my chickens at this point....but it is definitely positive.

All girls are being nice to Zara, but slightly distant - ie not rushing to sit with her or go to lunch. Two girls are hanging out in different groups altogether now. Apparently to avoid having just one friend (Zara) but the timing is interesting. Dd seems to be chatting to everyone at breaks and lunches. I was surprised it worked out as it did if I am honest. I didn't think the other girls would have the inclination or courage to walk away, but seemingly there did (or took their chance to get out while they could)

I don't think Zara has anyone to blame by herself.

[Ihaveyourback]

At least two of the girls have been on the receiving end of similar behaviour from Zara, so maybe they have just had enough of the game playing.

Thanks for all of your messages

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Happy to read that things are working out well for your DD!

I do hope it will encourage Zara to re-think her ways, but it may not. She may just find a new group to boss around.

Still - your DD won't be part of it, so that's a relief!