DP's nephew - what would you expect him to call me?

[SarahAndQuack]

This is probably really petty but I'm wondering what others think.

My DP and I got together when nephew had just turned four; he's now nine and so has known me more than half his life. He didn't really know my DP's ex well, as they'd been split up for a while.

I've noticed that he never calls me 'Auntie Sarah'. He occasionally uses my first name but mostly simply doesn't address me. He's also quite rude on occasion. He is having a rough time at the moment - his parents split up a bit over a year ago and it's hard on him. So a bit of rudeness is something I'd expect to see and not worry about. But the kinds of things he says and does ruffle me up a bit - for example he'll totally ignore me when I speak to him/if I ask him something, but will do it if my partner or his mother asks. Occasionally I get a reply like 'I don't need to do that' or 'no I don't have to,' and often he'll tell me what my DD (who's three) can and can't do. I don't think this last thing is intended to be cheeky at all, but I've noticed he doesn't do it with my partner.

It crossed both mine and my partner's minds that this may have something to do with us being woman, and him not having any other exposure to same-sex couples (though, as I say, he has known me for years ...).

I feel awkward asking him to call me 'Auntie Sarah' as he calls my partner 'Auntie Firstname,' but I find it kind of weird he doesn't. What would you think? For the record my own DD calls both of us by our first names on occasion; I don't find first names from children rude, it's just the way he seems not to see me as having that role at all.

I've never really thought about it but my dc only call their blood relative auntie/uncle and their partners are know by their first name. And it's unrelated to length of relarionship/marriage. In many cases, the relationships are older than the children but they're still Uncle Tom and Annie, for example. We did ask one of the spouses if she wanted to be "Aunty" once and she said no, it would be weird. She is their aunt in all the ways that matter. She loves them, takes them on holiday, has them to stay and does more with them than BIL tbh but she's not called Aunty and actually, I don't call her my SIL either. I've never thought about it before!

My niece has only ever called me Auntie, not Auntie name just Auntie. I met my DP when she was 4. When she was 5 she asked him if she could call him Uncle, she doesn't have any Uncles. He nearly cried when she asked him that. She still calls him by his name but buys him Uncle cards and stuff with Uncle on it.

@TumbleBingQuack - OMG, yes, the modelling! It is amazing how much of that you have to do, isn't it? We do a fair bit with DD, simply because she's got to the age where she's interested and she wants to understand (she is still really confused about how Auntie X and Auntie Y are Mummy's sisters and Granny A's children).

I expect my SIL (or my partner's sister, for those who will find that terminology affected) would prefer to hear us do lots of modelling rather than to have a direct conversation. Thing is, though, it's not working, and if it's not working after five years of him knowing me and three years of me being his cousin's mum, I wonder if it ever will? And I can't help but wonder what he's getting from other family members that is making it not sink in.

Naming point - ignore, it’s debatable whether you’re his aunt or not and it doesn’t matter a jot.

Behaviour - not being polite does matter and this is far more important than your name.

I wonder what you are saying to him, foe him to reply 'I don't have to'. Are you telling him to do things? Which seems odd if so? When I see my niece and nephews I just spoil them rotten!

@claireP20 - anything from 'come on, lunch is ready' to 'your mum's just said to say come to the phone' to 'hey now, that's going to hurt DD'.

I mean it could be something totally innocuous, or something that's relayed from his mum so it's not 'my' authority, or it could be something where it's important I tell him to stop because there's direct risk of something happening (ie., I can't just wait for his mum to come and tell him not to do it).

And this isn't to suggest he often or deliberately hurts DD - it's just the regular kind of thing when you have two children of different ages. I far more often have to say to DD to stop doing something to annoy her cousin.

Does your dp know how you feel? What does she say?

@mummyoflittledragon - yes, we've talked about it. We both feel that it's tricky because it is clear DN isn't very happy, and is struggling with the divorce. We also think his mum doesn't pick up on quite rude things he does, and is finding it quite hard - she blames her ex for some of his behaviour, which from my observation seems legit as her ex isn't a particularly nice person himself. But it's tricky because she's often glued to her phone and doesn't notice things he says or does, and when she isn't, she's really tired (she is not finding life easy) so I think she tunes it out.

She's a nice person - she's doing her best, but she hasn't had an easy time of it and she's used to coming to her big sister for help rather than having her big sister ask her to do anything.

We also do both feel, though, that we've been 'letting it go' because of the divorce and the fall-out, but visits are getting stressful and it's hard to know at what point we should say something, or how we say it.

@keepgoingorstop so you think her child and her nephew wont carry on being cousins if the relationship breaks up?

I don’t understand people saying you aren’t his aunt and wouldn’t be even if you were married ? The husband or wife of a blood aunt or uncle has always been known as an aunt/ uncle.
My Sil is my dds aunt, if you want to be literal she is an aunt by marriage, but still an aunt.
Anyway, yes, Auntie would be nicer, and maybe it is because you are a same sex couple - but it may be just that he is nine, unhappy, and taking it on you as the non-blood relative. I would ignore the name thing, sign cards etc with “Auntie” , but let him use your name.
Gently pick him up on the rudeness, but also a bit of love bombing sounds very needed.

[quote SarahAndQuack]@claireP20 - anything from 'come on, lunch is ready' to 'your mum's just said to say come to the phone' to 'hey now, that's going to hurt DD'.

I mean it could be something totally innocuous, or something that's relayed from his mum so it's not 'my' authority, or it could be something where it's important I tell him to stop because there's direct risk of something happening (ie., I can't just wait for his mum to come and tell him not to do it).

And this isn't to suggest he often or deliberately hurts DD - it's just the regular kind of thing when you have two children of different ages. I far more often have to say to DD to stop doing something to annoy her cousin.[/quote]
Well it seems like he has an unhappy home life, and it's great that you are being so kind to him when he sounds so rude. Don't worry about the aunt thing, my husbands neice and nephew often just call me Claire, and I have known them since they were about 5 and 7 too (I agree, it grates me). When you write his birthday cards do you call yourself Auntie in them? Also your DP should call you Auntie to him (as in 'give that to Auntie'). Maybe he's a bit embarassed (calling you both auntie - he is 9 after all, the age where everything is embarrassing). But other than that there's not much you can do.
The rudeness thing though - next time he is rude, just say (imagine my cockney accent) 'oi, stop being so bleeding rude'. In a lighthearted way, with a bit of a smile. You know 'what's the magic word' . You need to be a little bit bolshy, in a laid back way. If that makes sense.

I call my aunts who were there before I was born for auntie (first name)

The 2 who arrived after I had been born I call by their first name.

My dh's nephews all call me Enko apart from 1 they were all 4+when I joined their family (1 was born 1 month into dh and I dating) They are aware that I am their aunt by marriage and may say when introducing me " this is my aunt Enko she is married to my uncle X"

So for me, I would say him calling you by your first name is utterly ok. Him being rude, NOT ok. I don't tolerate that at all. So if he ignores you I would comment, I would also short shift if he deliberately went against what you said. With your dd simply say " I am dd's mother I decide what she can/cant do thank you" No need to be rude or go over the top. However, make it clear you expect him to be polite to you and acknowledge you as an adult in his life.

I think you are putting way to much emotional baggage on a word.

I could understand it if you had been on the scene since before he was born, but you weren’t.

My niece and nephew dropped 5e auntie title when they were about eight - it’s quicker to say and it doesn’t bother me at all. We are very close, I am their mums sister.

@WindsorBlues

I've been with DH since before our nephew, who is seven, was born. He address DH as Uncle XXX but refuses to talk to me or awknowledge if I'm in the room.

He has an absent dad so time spend with DH is the only time he gets with and adult male. It is really awkward when he visits and I'm my own living room and he demands that I leave.

I just take myself off out now when he visits but am always polite and try and engage with him when I see him even though I know I'll be ignored.

I know I can't force anyone to like me and that his relationship with DH is important so I just let it slide. I can't help but wonder if he's picked up on negative things MIL and SIL have said about me, as normally kids love me.

It'll be interesting how the dynamic changes when our first born arrives in the new year.

I think your DH should say something to him when he demands you leave tbqh, I understand he may have being having a tough time and all that but that doesn't give him a licence to be cheeky and rude to you for ever more, does it? He certainly shouldn't be allowed to tell you where you can and can not go in your own house

My nieces and nephews have never called me auntie and it doesn’t bother me at all

Hi OP. I don't think you deserve people telling you to get over yourself etc. But what I will say is quite simply it's his choice how he refers to you. I'm sure it has nothing to do with what role he thinks you play in his life. But he's 9 years old and you should just respect whatever he wants to refer to you as as that's his choice to make.

That does make sense, and that's a solution I can imagine doing! Thanks.

I think we are all trying to be very kind to him because he is fundamentally a nice little boy. It's not that DP or I thinks otherwise, and my DD hero-worships him.

I will admit, I am terrible at chatting to him - I think I am better with children DD's age because I know them more - but if you think he'll understand the 'don't be so rude' bit as jokey rather than mean, I can do that.

there's not as much consensus as I thought about when you do or don't use the term.

regardless of what anyone else says, what is normal IN YOUR FAMILY. because that is the only thing that matters.
And if there is a difference between you and DP's family, then you go with her family as this relative is on her side.

really doesn't matter what anyone esle on mn does, if this is what your family does, then he should follow suit. yes he is getting a bit old for a change of name, so I probably wouldn't use that route, as you say the issue is that he isn't calling you anything and seems to not know how to pigeonhole you in his head.

A few direct comments, or conversations like a pp said may help. They may also help him with his new set up.
Some families have a mum and dad who live together
Some families have a mum and dad who live apart
Some have only 1 parent
Some have 2 mums
Some have 2 dads
Some live with grandparents

etc etc.

*I've been with DH since before our nephew, who is seven, was born. He address DH as Uncle XXX but refuses to talk to me or awknowledge if I'm in the room.

He has an absent dad so time spend with DH is the only time he gets with and adult male. It is really awkward when he visits and I'm my own living room and he demands that I leave.*

Wow Windsor, I wouldn't tolerate that at all and your DH shouldn't be allowing it either. I would want this sorting before you have your own DC - no way should your child see such awful behaviour towards their Mum tolerated.

OP - in my family partners of Aunts and Uncles have always been called by their name. Spouses are Aunty/Uncle X with the exception of long term partners who have a child before marriage - the birth of the child marked the point they became Uncle/Aunty.

I think the main issue you have is the lack of respect being shown towards you. Either the boy is confused about your relationship- perhaps he sees you as more of a friend of his Aunt and doesn't realise you are also his cousin's mother or, worse, he's heard family be dismissive towards you and your relationship.

Your DP shouldn't be allowing him to be rude to you. I also think she should be explaining to her nephew that you are also Mum to his cousin and has just as much say as she does and he has to listen to you both.

Ask him to call you what you want to be called, via his parents and your partner. You will likely find out during this process why he isn't calling you what you want to be called already.

Disrespecting your authority is a separate and nuanced matter. If the adults in his life think he should be respecting your authority, then go about getting him to do so via the usual means (ie whatever the other adults have done/do) But you may find that his parents don't think you should have authority over him.

I think YABU. My best friend is known as Auntie to my kids, but they never refer to her husband as Uncle. They’ve known him pretty much all their lives, but have never called him that. I’ve never suggested they should or shouldn’t, it just isn’t an issue.

You aren't his aunt. In the same way my sister's husband in not my daughter's uncle. An aunt or uncle is the actual sibling of the child's parent. Some might use the title to honour extended family of family connections, but most would think it is weird. You are aunt's partner. Even if married. Aunty's wife etc.

I don't think I ever called my aunts and uncles "Auntie X" or "Uncle X", I just called them by their names except for when I was talking about them, in which case I might be like "My auntie X said..." Or whatever. Partners of aunties and uncles who came into the family during my lifetime, I never called or really considered as aunts or uncles, if I am honest.

I have 15+ nephews and nieces. Some use Aunt some don't. All are adults and tbh some are not that much younger than me and even GPS themselves. With my own aunts the younger ones didn't like me calling them aunt as it made them feel old. Talking maybe 8 and ten years age difference. Older aunts I call by first name now but would refer to them as aunt when talking to others more to highlight the relationship. I always refer to my aunts and uncles spouses as aunt and uncle as well even though they are not blood related. I did always call my great aunts aunt or uncle. Don't think anyone likes someone calling them Great Aunt Mabel. Speaking as a great aunt and a great great aunt!!!!!