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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP's nephew - what would you expect him to call me?

336 replies

SarahAndQuack · 29/10/2020 11:08

This is probably really petty but I'm wondering what others think.

My DP and I got together when nephew had just turned four; he's now nine and so has known me more than half his life. He didn't really know my DP's ex well, as they'd been split up for a while.

I've noticed that he never calls me 'Auntie Sarah'. He occasionally uses my first name but mostly simply doesn't address me. He's also quite rude on occasion. He is having a rough time at the moment - his parents split up a bit over a year ago and it's hard on him. So a bit of rudeness is something I'd expect to see and not worry about. But the kinds of things he says and does ruffle me up a bit - for example he'll totally ignore me when I speak to him/if I ask him something, but will do it if my partner or his mother asks. Occasionally I get a reply like 'I don't need to do that' or 'no I don't have to,' and often he'll tell me what my DD (who's three) can and can't do. I don't think this last thing is intended to be cheeky at all, but I've noticed he doesn't do it with my partner.

It crossed both mine and my partner's minds that this may have something to do with us being woman, and him not having any other exposure to same-sex couples (though, as I say, he has known me for years ...).

I feel awkward asking him to call me 'Auntie Sarah' as he calls my partner 'Auntie Firstname,' but I find it kind of weird he doesn't. What would you think? For the record my own DD calls both of us by our first names on occasion; I don't find first names from children rude, it's just the way he seems not to see me as having that role at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

SarahAndQuack · 29/10/2020 11:36

But I think as you say you are projecting here about your own dd.

I didn't say that? Sorry, I'm not being snippy, I just genuinely don't know where that came from?

OP posts:

Coldwinds · 29/10/2020 11:36

@VettiyaIruken

It would be auntie for me.

I wonder if things are being said behind your backs because ime children are influenced by what they hear adults say.

I was just about to post the same thing. I’m sure your not being addressed as ‘aunty’ by other adults around him. He doesn’t see you as his aunty and your not really, your aunty Sarah’s girlfriend.

Address the rudeness
Do t posh for labels

wewillmeetagain · 29/10/2020 11:37

My biological niece and nephew don't call me auntie, they use my name! Their choice, doesn't bother me in the slightest!

AryaStarkWolf · 29/10/2020 11:39

[quote SarahAndQuack]@AryaStarkWolf - yes, that's exactly it. I don't think he fully gets that she's my DD as well, rather than being DP's DD who I happen to live in the same house with, if you see what I mean?

I shouldn't imagine anyone has ever talked to him about it.[/quote]
It may be confusing for him, probably himself and most (if not all) of his friends will have just one mother. Would you think your partner would be open to having a conversation with him about it, to explain it maybe? I'm not talking anything too deep at his age but just to explain some children have 2 mothers instead of a mom and dad or whatever?

Icanseewhyichangednyusername · 29/10/2020 11:39

I never realised that some families don’t consider the partners of their biological aunts and uncles to be also aunts and uncles!

Do you feel able to broach with your partner or boys parents?

You could either carry on and discretely and calmly pick up on the boys behaviour directly with him, ie tell him immediately what he did /said is rude/unacceptable and what you would like him to do/not do. If it doesn’t improve you can just ignore him like he does to you! I have to say, 9 year old boys can be quite rude and surly.
Also remember. He’s a child. Try to remember you’re an adult and he shouldn’t have the power to affect your emotions this much. Sometimes when people have an issue with a child in their life. It means they really have one with the adults involved!!!!

Xxxx

Leaannb · 29/10/2020 11:39

@SarahAndQuack

Reading *@Porcupineinwaiting*'s post is making me realise I think maybe something that bothers me is the implication that blood relationships matter more. Because implicitly, if that's true, I'm not so much my daughter's mother as DP is, which would explain why my nephew doesn't treat me and DP in the same way in relation to her.

Jave you adopted your daugjter?

Newtothis2017 · 29/10/2020 11:40

@Porcupineinwaiting never mentioned anything about blood line so interesting response. I myself and siblings are adopted so definitely don't care about blood lines! Perhaps look up the definition of aunt and uncle. I was just giving my experience and what is common amongst the people I know

Thesearmsofmine · 29/10/2020 11:40

First name is fine, my dc call sil partner by his first name not uncle first name. They aren’t married and my dc were 3 and 5ish when he and sil got together.

steppemum · 29/10/2020 11:40

well, I am auntie to 10, and none of them call be auntie, they all just use my name. But there is no difference in how I am treated compared to dh, on either side of the family.

While he is just a kid, going through a hard time etc, there is a suspicion with me that he is echogin what his parents are saying. A few hints in your OP, things like him saying

Occasionally I get a reply like 'I don't need to do that' or 'no I don't have to,

I wonder what is said at home. Have you had any issues with his parents at all?

ErickBroch · 29/10/2020 11:41

Sorry but I don't even call my own aunts and uncles 'auntie sarah' or 'uncle bob' - just their names. The rudeness could be a different issue and I wouldn't put them together. I especially don't call my aunts/uncles wives or husbands aunt/uncle either.

Lovemusic33 · 29/10/2020 11:41

People saying they don’t call their aunties partner “uncle”? I find this odd, my mums sister is my auntie, I call her husband uncle and never considered calling him by his first name 😐

I don’t think anyone should be forced to call anyone uncle or auntie but to not even use your name seems a bit rude. 9 is old enough to have some manner no mater what he’s going through.

Leaannb · 29/10/2020 11:42

@Icanseewhyichangednyusername

I never realised that some families don’t consider the partners of their biological aunts and uncles to be also aunts and uncles!

Do you feel able to broach with your partner or boys parents?

Xxxx

If the partners are married they would be their Aunt/Uncle. Of not their partners are just their Aunt/Uncle's boyfriend/girlfriend. People see it as a disposable relationship

1starwars2 · 29/10/2020 11:42

Does your DD call you Mum?

Poppyismyfavourite · 29/10/2020 11:43

Since you're not married you're not his auntie either by blood or marriage. To a PP - yes that is exactly how it works!
So I would expect your partner to be "aunty Mary" and you to just be "Sarah". The not addressing you thing is weird and rude though - he should be pulled up on that.

Original poster

SarahAndQuack · 29/10/2020 11:44

@AryaStarkWolf - I absolutely would, and I think DP wants to too, but we're both a bit unsure how to have that conversation. If anyone has thoughts, I'd really appreciate it. (And this thread has helpfully shown me the name thing isn't a good way in!).

@Leaannb - no, she's my legal daughter; we were together before she was born and did the process together.

OP posts:

Coldwinds · 29/10/2020 11:45

@Icanseewhyichangednyusername

I never realised that some families don’t consider the partners of their biological aunts and uncles to be also aunts and uncles!

Do you feel able to broach with your partner or boys parents?

Xxxx

I think it’s where they enter the child’s life. If you were already there when they were born it’s more natural to divine aunt and uncle status.

However I’ve been married to dh for over ten years with two kids and still get treated like his girlfriend ( or incubator tbh)

Crinkle77 · 29/10/2020 11:45

I don't think you can dictate that he calls you auntie when you're not. However he sounds like a brat.

Original poster

SarahAndQuack · 29/10/2020 11:47

FWIW, we're not married because we're Church of England (as in, we go weekly and it is a big part of our lives), and the Church won't marry same-sex couples.

@1starwars2 - as I say in my OP, sometimes DD calls us by our first names, sometimes she calls us mum (or more often 'mummies! I need yous NOW!' ). I really don't mind being called by my first name in itself. My query was because my nephew would always use 'auntie' for DP and not for me. I didn't realise it was so widespread to do this, thought clearly, based on this thread, it is! It's not common in my DP's own family, though.

OP posts:

HunterHearstHelmsley · 29/10/2020 11:48

My Uncle's (mum's brother) wife was never Auntie. They met when I was around 7.

My Dad's brothers wives were Auntie. But they met before I was born.

I wouldn't be very happy at being told I had to call mum's brother's wife Auntie. To be fair, my mum wouldn't have been either so it wouldn't have happened.

Gazelda · 29/10/2020 11:48

In my experience, children refer to aunties and uncles. Except where the adult comes into the family after the child has started talking, so theoretically able to refer to Sarah or whatever.

The reason behind this seems to be that the child doesn't know if Sarah is going to turn into an auntie, so starts off calling her Sarah and then it seems a bit odd to change her name to AuntieSarah.

Nothing sinister or personal behind it. Simply that sarah was introduced to the child and then became auntie. It's a faff to go through a whole name change rigmarole.

Original poster

SarahAndQuack · 29/10/2020 11:48

@Crinkle77 - no, he isn't a brat at all. He's a pretty unhappy little boy at the moment, and he is lovely with my DD about 80% of the time, which when you consider they have a big age gap, is really impressive.

I just think it's beginning to turn into an awkward situation, and I do feel tense about it.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 29/10/2020 11:49

[quote SarahAndQuack]@AryaStarkWolf - I absolutely would, and I think DP wants to too, but we're both a bit unsure how to have that conversation. If anyone has thoughts, I'd really appreciate it. (And this thread has helpfully shown me the name thing isn't a good way in!).

@Leaannb - no, she's my legal daughter; we were together before she was born and did the process together.[/quote]
Is it his mother or his father that your partner is related to btw? Do they have a decent relationship? If they do maybe first off speak to them and ask what your nephew was told (if anything) about you/your relationship to his cousin. Maybe say you think he doesn't understand that you are also your DD's mother, they may even want to mention it to him themselves? (by they I mean your partners brother or sister, it reads a bit oddly!)

Throckmorton · 29/10/2020 11:50

Maybe just find a way to refer to your daughter as your daughter in his hearing, so he's understands it. Eg "no, it's fine nephew, my daughter can do XYZ"

Prettybluepigeons · 29/10/2020 11:50

sarah and quack-they will do blessings though. Get legally married in a registry office and then have a blessing.
hardly any of nephews and nieces call me aunty-just my first name

Original poster

SarahAndQuack · 29/10/2020 11:50

My DP's sister is his mother. They have a good relationship, I would say.

OP posts:

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