DP's nephew - what would you expect him to call me?

[SarahAndQuack]

This is probably really petty but I'm wondering what others think.

My DP and I got together when nephew had just turned four; he's now nine and so has known me more than half his life. He didn't really know my DP's ex well, as they'd been split up for a while.

I've noticed that he never calls me 'Auntie Sarah'. He occasionally uses my first name but mostly simply doesn't address me. He's also quite rude on occasion. He is having a rough time at the moment - his parents split up a bit over a year ago and it's hard on him. So a bit of rudeness is something I'd expect to see and not worry about. But the kinds of things he says and does ruffle me up a bit - for example he'll totally ignore me when I speak to him/if I ask him something, but will do it if my partner or his mother asks. Occasionally I get a reply like 'I don't need to do that' or 'no I don't have to,' and often he'll tell me what my DD (who's three) can and can't do. I don't think this last thing is intended to be cheeky at all, but I've noticed he doesn't do it with my partner.

It crossed both mine and my partner's minds that this may have something to do with us being woman, and him not having any other exposure to same-sex couples (though, as I say, he has known me for years ...).

I feel awkward asking him to call me 'Auntie Sarah' as he calls my partner 'Auntie Firstname,' but I find it kind of weird he doesn't. What would you think? For the record my own DD calls both of us by our first names on occasion; I don't find first names from children rude, it's just the way he seems not to see me as having that role at all.

When you send him a birthday card how do you sign it?

Do you write love fromSarah, or love from Auntie Sarah? How do other people refer to you “will you pass the cake to Sarah please” or “will you pass the cake to Auntie Sarah please”

I would decide how you want to be addressed and make sure everyone is using your preferred form consistently. Don’t make a big thing of it, and eventually he will follow suit.

The not speaking directly is strange, does he do this to other people or just you? I wouldn’t personally make a huge fuss about it, rude as it is, because if he is refusing to do it for his own reasons then making an issue of it and forcing him to change will only bring resentment and more refusal.

(My personal preference is that I have never been Auntie Viques to any of my nieces and nephews, let alone to random friends children, always Viques. )

If the child was born before you became involved in the relative's life I'd say they use first name, if you have been there from the start then Aunt

My aunt's husband who she was with before I was born was Uncle first name (I'm now in my 40s they divorced when I was 4 or 5 - saw him last year and still called him Uncle first name) - her second husband was always his first name, even though I saw him as an Uncle from when I was about 7 or 8

Reading @Porcupineinwaiting's post is making me realise I think maybe something that bothers me is the implication that blood relationships matter more. Because implicitly, if that's true, I'm not so much my daughter's mother as DP is, which would explain why my nephew doesn't treat me and DP in the same way in relation to her.

For the record I call all my aunts/uncles auntie and uncle. I only call the partners who've been around since birth auntie and uncle. Any others - even those who've been around since I was very young get first name treatment. I'm in my 30s. Stop making it a big deal. If you think he's rude speak to his parents. If you think he's homophobic speak to his parents.
End

@Onxob - yes, they do. Also quite common to use 'auntie' for close family friends etc.

@viques - we sign love from auntie Partnersname, Auntie Sarah, and cousin DDsname, usually.

I've always preferred being called by my name by my nephews and nieces. Due to huge age range in our family, some are almost as old as me, so it would be odd to be called "auntie" by an adult. I like to be called "me" not by a classification.

Conversely, and rather contrarily, I love the Indian custom of calling all elder people's Auntie or Uncle as that is so respectful. I am obviously confused.

My kids don’t call my brother’s girlfriend Aunty. The kids were around 5 when she came on the scene. They do call DH’s sisters husband uncle though. They’re married and have been since the kids were born so they started off calling him uncle.

@foxyroxyyy - I don't think he's homophobic, he's nine!

What would you say to his parents? Bearing in mind we only see his mum after the divorce.

I've found it tricky when to "aunty" and "uncle" people that come into the kids lives after they are born. We have a lot of siblings. It is odd to say to a child "this is aunty X" when it is the first time I as an adult have met the new girlfriend. Usually when they live together I change, but it is gradual! Technically you aren't entitled to the title until you get married.
I'd never out up with my kids being rude though. Mostly they aren't as they enjoy seeing family, but there is a difference between the child trying it on and getting away with it.

My great aunt had a same sex partner. We referred to both of them as "Auntie Firstname" I assume that this is what was modelled by the adults in our family rather than what we decided (can't remember ever having a conversation about it). I would bring it up to whichever of his parents you and your partner are contact with and find out how they reference you at home. Maybe his parent could have a conversation with him about it.

I don't think I would mind if I was auntie or just Firstname. I would want to be acknowledged though.

My Uncle's wife, who married when I was approx 8 is not my 'auntie'. I still call him Uncle. I would address a card to Uncle x, y and z (cousin).
Nobody ever told me to call her auntie, and I have never thought of starting. I guess I just her by name as that is what my parents did. Do you really want him to call you Auntie? I would just work on having a pleasant relationship with him.

I never called any of my uncles or aunties 'uncle/auntie'. I just think it sounds weird. My kids call my sisters just by their first names too.

[quote SarahAndQuack]@AryaStarkWolf - yes, that's exactly what I was saying.

I don't want to force him to call me anything. As I said in my OP, I don't mind first names from children (I know some people do). But I also don't know if he doesn't quite get how to parse that relationship? It's like he's not quite sure what my role is in my DD's life or in relation to him, and so he doesn't quite know how to talk to me.[/quote]
So he tells you what to do with your DD because you think he may think she's his aunts child and not yours? Was she the one pregnant with your child? Maybe he is confused, has anyone ever talked to him about your relationship, he may just not get the 2 mothers idea?

[quote SarahAndQuack]@AryaStarkWolf - yes, that's exactly what I was saying.

I don't want to force him to call me anything. As I said in my OP, I don't mind first names from children (I know some people do). But I also don't know if he doesn't quite get how to parse that relationship? It's like he's not quite sure what my role is in my DD's life or in relation to him, and so he doesn't quite know how to talk to me.[/quote]
Honestly, @SarahAndQuack -- I could say the same of DS's relationship to one of my sisters and my SIL. My sister is childfree, makes no secret of not liking children, and being rather baffled by my decision to have a child, and doesn't see a lot of him, so I think he's mildly puzzled by what kind of relationship he and she should have, and how to relate to her. My other sister, also childfree, adores him, and he and she are very close.

My SIL and brother live a long way away, and my SIL has a very different way of relating to children to anyone else in our family big on pranks, and treats him as a much younger child I think DS doesn't quite know what to make of her.

Which is a long way round of saying, how often do you see this kid, and how do you relate to one another? What kinds of requests/instructions is he responding to when he says 'I don't have to' etc? What I see in DS sometimes is that he registers when something is (to him) slightly 'off' in the way he's addressed by an adult, and that express itself as rudeness.

[quote SarahAndQuack]@foxyroxyyy - I don't think he's homophobic, he's nine!

What would you say to his parents? Bearing in mind we only see his mum after the divorce.[/quote]
I'd say tell them what's been happening. Probably let your partner lead depending on how close you are to nephews mum. That you're concerned it shows a lack of respect and you're worried about impact on DD as she gets older.

Just your first came. I've never even called my own aunts and uncles anything but their first name.

*name

Of course she’s his aunt! Partners of aunties and uncles are also aunties and uncles; not everyone gets married, you don’t suddenly get upgraded to auntie/uncle status with a ring. Bizarre responses.

But at nine I wouldn’t necessarily expect kids to use titles like auntie/uncle – my 7-year-old niece also mixes and matches, calling some of us auntie/uncle and others just first name, indiscriminately regardless of who’s a blood relative and who isn’t. My DP is as much uncle to my blood-relative nieces and nephews as I am their auntie, and I would hate for my SIL and BIL to not consider my DD their niece. Of course she is!

However I’d let the auntie title go given his age, it’ll get dropped all-round eventually; and give a bit of leeway due to his having a rough time, without letting him run roughshod on the rudeness. (No idea how you strike the leeway/boundaries balance, mind.)

@foxyroxyyy

Get over yourself. Your dp is his aunt you aren't.

Also stop conflating issues. Maybe he just doesn't like you

Yikes. I have to say the child is well entitled to dislike op but surely he has to conduct himself with manners and courtesy

You’re not his auntie as you aren’t married to your partner.

I started my reply then got distracted. If you have a child together you get promoted to aunty. You are their cousin's mum, which is forever.

I don't think I would mind if I was auntie or just Firstname. I would want to be acknowledged though.

YY, this is it. I think he's genuinely not sure how to address me so he doesn't do it.

I clearly didn't get that across in my OP. I really don't find just a first name rude from a child, but it seems like he doesn't know how to talk to me because he's not clear what my role in the house is?

To be really clear, I don't think this is homophobic. I am not sure a nine year old can be homophobic really. But I do think the fact he's had no other exposure to same-sex couples means he's a bit unsure about it all.

You aren't his auntie but your do is so it's perfectly fine for him to her her auntie and not you. But it's really just a case of all families being different, auntie makes my teeth itch, although we used it as kids to my aunts I actually hate being called it so we use first names, my brother sometimes refers to me as aunty x and I always say "just x is fine".

But I think as you say you are projecting here about your own dd. It's a very different relationship so don't let the auntie thing worry you in that respect

@AryaStarkWolf - yes, that's exactly it. I don't think he fully gets that she's my DD as well, rather than being DP's DD who I happen to live in the same house with, if you see what I mean?

I shouldn't imagine anyone has ever talked to him about it.

I think that using only your first name would be fine.
But I don’t think that you should have to tolerate his rudeness to you.