DP's nephew - what would you expect him to call me?

[SarahAndQuack]

This is probably really petty but I'm wondering what others think.

My DP and I got together when nephew had just turned four; he's now nine and so has known me more than half his life. He didn't really know my DP's ex well, as they'd been split up for a while.

I've noticed that he never calls me 'Auntie Sarah'. He occasionally uses my first name but mostly simply doesn't address me. He's also quite rude on occasion. He is having a rough time at the moment - his parents split up a bit over a year ago and it's hard on him. So a bit of rudeness is something I'd expect to see and not worry about. But the kinds of things he says and does ruffle me up a bit - for example he'll totally ignore me when I speak to him/if I ask him something, but will do it if my partner or his mother asks. Occasionally I get a reply like 'I don't need to do that' or 'no I don't have to,' and often he'll tell me what my DD (who's three) can and can't do. I don't think this last thing is intended to be cheeky at all, but I've noticed he doesn't do it with my partner.

It crossed both mine and my partner's minds that this may have something to do with us being woman, and him not having any other exposure to same-sex couples (though, as I say, he has known me for years ...).

I feel awkward asking him to call me 'Auntie Sarah' as he calls my partner 'Auntie Firstname,' but I find it kind of weird he doesn't. What would you think? For the record my own DD calls both of us by our first names on occasion; I don't find first names from children rude, it's just the way he seems not to see me as having that role at all.

Well if you’re not married to his Aunt you are not his aunt so using your first name is Correct.

He is having a hard time at home, he’s 9 - he probably needs to feel some stability and is acting out. I would forget what labels he puts on things and concentrate on giving him what he needs

Out of interest, if you were talking about DN to someone outside the family, would you refer to him as “my nephew” /“our nephew”?

I ask because I always feel a bit weird saying “my niece” when I talk about one of my husband’s sisters’ girls. It somehow feels a bit presumptuous because they are nieces by marriage, even though we all get on famously and one was born after I came on the scene and I am sure my husband’s family would not object. The girls (11 and 8) call me by my first name but their parents would say “go and ask Aunty Cheetas if she wants a cup of tea” etc.

My son is 4 and calls the husband of his father’s sister “Uncle John”, but he doesn’t use his name that often in practice and I am sure it will change to just “John” by the time he is about 10. However I can see “Aunty Jessie” for DH’s sister being used a lot longer because she is very close to my son and has always really thrown herself into the Auntie role (sort of sees him as the son she never had) and it rolls off the tongue very easily.

If your name is Sarah, I'd expect him to call you Sarah, because that's your name. You referred to him as "DP's nephew" so in your own mind, you're not his aunty because he's not your nephew.

@Newkitchen123

If your name is Sarah, I'd expect him to call you Sarah, because that's your name. You referred to him as "DP's nephew" so in your own mind, you're not his aunty because he's not your nephew.

I imagine that OP referred to him in her OP as “DP’s nephew” because explaining the blood/non-blood relationship was crucial to the question she was asking here. In other contexts where the distinction is not relevant to the conversation she might well say “my” or “our” nephew.

I have no siblings. I wouldnt expect my BILs children to call me " Auntie" if they didn't want to. I would be hurt if they didn't think of me as their Auntie though. My in- laws have always made me feel as much a member of the family as those that are blood related.

Following in from that, I said in my previous post that it feels a bit weird to me to talk about my husband’s sister’s daughters as “my” nieces. I have just been asking myself if I FEEL like their Aunt. My brother has no kids so I don’t have a direct comparison on my own side of the family. However, I have to confess that I think I would feel more “aunt-like” towards a blood niece or nephew. eg I rely on my husband to remind me when the girls’ birthdays are, and I probably ask after their progress at school etc more out of politeness than because I am actually all that invested , IYSWIM. As I said, when we are together we all get on very well, but there is a degree of separation there.

However, strangely, I have reconnected with my own Aunt-by-marriage since my son was born. Both my parents and my uncle (Mum’s brother) are dead so my Aunt is actually now the only relative in my family in that generation. She has been great- not quite to the extent of being a stand-in granny (she has 6 grandkids of her own) but it has been nice to have had a sort of senior relative on my side. I’ve always called her Aunty Betty in my head but just say “Betty” when I talk to her now.

@cheetasonfajitas fair enough

All my aunties and uncles etc were all together before I was born.
In this situation I would probably refer to her as Sarah, my aunt's partner.
What if people meet later in life say? My husband's niece I would never in a million years expect her to call me aunty new kitchen. And I would not refer to her as my niece either. But maybe that's different as we're all adults

The reaction on here isn't a homopgobia thing, it's a disdain for the unmarried thing. If op had been in a heterosexual relationship I imagine the response would be the same. MN is obsessed with putting non married partners in the not a real relationship box.

Of course it is a real relationship, given she is talking about meeting the child and her and DP seem to live together and have a child together. What it isn't is a marriage. Which is the "law" bit of "in-law".
Usually something needs to happen to move someone from "Sarah, who has been dating your auntie and you (and your parents) basically only just met" to "Aunt Sarah". I don't Auntie and Uncle anyone our siblings date, but there are more than half a dozen considerably younger siblings. Generally once they've been around a while and I trust them. None of ours have had children without being married, but they would be a definite trigger for being an aunt.
I'm surprised about the amount of people saying it definitely isn't homophobia. It very well could be. Especially if the nephew is cheekier to her than to other aunties and uncles and their partners.
Either way, you have a choice about what behaviour you accept. Have patience with the child, he may well be confused about your status - remember when he was born, marriage was strictly a man / woman arrangement, so if his parents have taken a while to cop on, he will have too.

"MN is obsessed with putting non married partners in the not a real relationship box."

Not really. I'd say it's the opposite except when it comes to step-parents. Nobody says don't say 'fil', he's not your father in law, just your boyfriend's father.

right now he's having a rough time and he doesn't need to be feeling he's been left with someone he doesn't feel comfortable with

If a 9 yr old child is having a rough time your focus shouldn't be on whether they call you auntie or not, or trying to force a relationship he currently feels uncomfortable with, both those things are about you not him. For now, your dp work on supporting him until he is in a better place.