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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP's nephew - what would you expect him to call me?

336 replies

SarahAndQuack · 29/10/2020 11:08

This is probably really petty but I'm wondering what others think.

My DP and I got together when nephew had just turned four; he's now nine and so has known me more than half his life. He didn't really know my DP's ex well, as they'd been split up for a while.

I've noticed that he never calls me 'Auntie Sarah'. He occasionally uses my first name but mostly simply doesn't address me. He's also quite rude on occasion. He is having a rough time at the moment - his parents split up a bit over a year ago and it's hard on him. So a bit of rudeness is something I'd expect to see and not worry about. But the kinds of things he says and does ruffle me up a bit - for example he'll totally ignore me when I speak to him/if I ask him something, but will do it if my partner or his mother asks. Occasionally I get a reply like 'I don't need to do that' or 'no I don't have to,' and often he'll tell me what my DD (who's three) can and can't do. I don't think this last thing is intended to be cheeky at all, but I've noticed he doesn't do it with my partner.

It crossed both mine and my partner's minds that this may have something to do with us being woman, and him not having any other exposure to same-sex couples (though, as I say, he has known me for years ...).

I feel awkward asking him to call me 'Auntie Sarah' as he calls my partner 'Auntie Firstname,' but I find it kind of weird he doesn't. What would you think? For the record my own DD calls both of us by our first names on occasion; I don't find first names from children rude, it's just the way he seems not to see me as having that role at all.

OP posts:
KillingOksana1 · 30/10/2020 08:21

*not heard

MaxNormal · 30/10/2020 08:39

She is a life partner and legal mother to their joint child. Glad to see homophobia is not dead.

It's been leaping off the page really, hadn't it?
That and the purse lipped spiteful brigade who would have referred to children as bastards a few decades ago.

Original poster
SarahAndQuack · 30/10/2020 08:59

@Osirus

You’re giving this way too much headspace OP. Does it really, really matter what he calls you? You’re not technically his aunt as you aren’t married. I certainly wouldn’t refer (and I don’t) to unmarried partners as my child’s aunt/uncle.

I would say leave the poor kid alone. Don’t have a sit down meeting with all the family to announce thou shall henceforth be referred to as “aunt xxx”.

It’s very self absorbed, not to mention entitled.

The child probably doesn’t know how to negotiate your same sex relationship. Rather than the family bad mouthing you, he probably just doesn’t have a clue what’s going on and he may be a little bit confused by it.

As a side note, how likely is it do you think the C of E would eventually allow same sex marriages? Can you not just have a quiet ceremony and get married in church in the future if it’s ever allowed?

I think you've not really read my posts.

It doesn't matter; I've said I don't mind what he calls me so long as he calls me something (at the moment he simply ignores me). I thought talking about why DP is 'auntie' and I'm not might be a good way in to indicating that I'm not some randomer in my own home; as I acknowledged way back in the thread, it clearly isn't because although DP's family generally do use 'auntie' for any nearby adult, married or not, blood related or not, many people don't, and it might be confusing.

I have said that I think he's not sure how to deal with the relationship, and I have asked for and been grateful for ideas on how to deal with it.

So what do you want me to do, exactly?

(And to your side note: I think it's likely. I'm fairly involved in the C of E and there's a pretty strong faction in favour. So no, I don't want to have a quiet ceremony, I want to wait. I think this is important.)

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahAndQuack · 30/10/2020 09:01

@switswooo

I find the glee with which people on the thread are telling OP she is just a girlfriend quite malicious.
Me too, actually. So thank you for saying that.
OP posts:
Original poster
SarahAndQuack · 30/10/2020 09:03

@Acappella - that's a really good point about plain old sexism, yes. His dad is certainly the kind of person who'd make 'funny' sexist comments so it may be that DN feels weird in a household with no male authority figure. I know his mum has had to pull him up a couple of times on treating her with respect.

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 30/10/2020 17:24

Possibly a daft question SarahAndQuack, but could he be jealous? His parents have just split up and he's feeling crap, and there's his little cousin who still has both of her parents all happy together. He can't be take his feelings out on his aunt-by-blood (you're still his aunt!), because in a child's mind that's probably totally off limits, but the partner of his aunt (in his eyes) may be fair game for some jealousy-related rudeness.

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 30/10/2020 17:49

Are you and do married because if you aren't then technically you aren't his auntie and can't expect him to call you auntie

Also some families don't do the whole auntie and uncle title..in my family we just called aunts and uncles by their first names, and my nephews and nieces call me by my first name.....is your dp nephew calling everyone else auntie /uncle and specifically leaving you out ?

MrsA2Be · 30/10/2020 19:48

We have 2 children and 5 brothers between us. The girlfriends and fiancees who were with the brothers since before or when the children were born are known as auntie. The other girlfriends are known by their name only.
My parents had the same model as we were growing up so I only call one wife of my uncle auntie, as she was with my uncle since before I was born, and the other husbands and wives of my aunts and uncles as their name only.

FangsForTheMemory · 30/10/2020 19:54

It sounds to me as though someone has told him he doesn’t have to do what you tell him.

lovescaca · 30/10/2020 19:57

Ur name 🤷🏼‍♀️

ThornAmongstRoses · 30/10/2020 19:58

My biological niece and nephew call me auntie. Although I am married, they do not refer to my husband as their uncle, they just use his first name.

My DH’s biological nieces and nephews call me just my name. I wouldn’t want them to call me Auntie.

My children call their biological aunts and uncles, “aunt and uncle”. They refer to the spouses of their aunts and uncles as just their first name.

In my family, and for most families I know, the terms auntie and uncle are used only for biological relatives.

peboh · 30/10/2020 20:03

Just your name. I never expected my nieces and nephews to call dh uncle, it just happened naturally over time for a couple and others don't. I'm auntie, however it's rare they call me auntie peboh, it's usually just hey peboh.
Your partner should definitely discuss with their sibling about the rudeness though, and just mention that obviously he's noticed it and he wasn't sure if there was a problem there.

peboh · 30/10/2020 20:03

She's sorry*

peboh · 30/10/2020 20:04

Also definitely don't ask him to call you auntie. You aren't his auntie, by blood or marriage. You aren't entitled to that title just because your partner is.

fairynick · 30/10/2020 20:11

I’m in the opposite situation to you OP. Been with DP since his DNiece was 4 and she’s 9 now, she calls me aunty nick and I am so flattered but cringe every time Blush I just don’t feel like her aunty! I think it depends on the family and should be child led.

sunshineandshowers40 · 30/10/2020 20:18

Mine just use first names, I don't even think they call my sister/ brother auntie or uncle now although did when they were younger. It's a bit of a mouthful!

Gwenhwyfar · 30/10/2020 20:25

@switswooo

I find the glee with which people on the thread are telling OP she is just a girlfriend quite malicious.
Happens quite a lot on step-parent threads so not (just) homophobia imo.
Original poster
SarahAndQuack · 30/10/2020 22:13

But I'm not a step parent?

OP posts:
Curiositykilledthecat113 · 30/10/2020 22:58

Yikes the homophobia leaps off the page with this one. Doubt people would be saying he shouldn’t call you auntie if you were married to his uncle. I’ve never met anyone who wouldn’t call the long term partner of their direct auntie/uncle by auntie/uncle either, blood relation or not

Newfosterer · 30/10/2020 23:18

My nieces and nephews don’t call my partner auntie and hers don’t call me auntie either. In our family it is the sibling of your parent that is auntie / uncle but not their partners. Maybe his family see it the same.

MaxNormal · 30/10/2020 23:46

In our family it is the sibling of your parent that is auntie / uncle but not their partners

And then people wonder why so many can't be fucked with their inlaws. Perhaps the constant reminders that you're not "real family" are a bit off-putting.

Seriously people need to stop telling a woman in a long term relationship with a child that she's "just a girlfriend", it's really unpleasant.

Northernparent68 · 31/10/2020 00:06

Perhaps you’re trying too hard with him, stop telling him what to do, let his mother handle him.

MaxNormal · 31/10/2020 00:10

So she should just sit there and be quiet if he injures her very small child? Only on MN.

Shamoo · 31/10/2020 00:52

I haven’t read the full thread so sorry if there is homophobia on here OP.

Just to say me and my wife are in exactly the same position as you. My DNs call me Aunty Shamoo but call my wife by her name only, but if they were refer to us both they would say we are their aunties. I think it’s because they were all born and knew me before I met my partner. My brother is uncle but his girlfriend is not aunty, so it’s not a same sex thing. They also got together after all DNs were born.

I guess when a child already knows their blood relative before that person meets their partner, it makes it harder to know what to call the partner - when would they become Aunty or uncle? Obviously not the first time they meet. They called my DW by her name from day 1, and have just never changed.

Teateaandmoretea · 31/10/2020 08:17

@MaxNormal there are some weird people irl who think no one should ever say anything to children that aren’t their’s.

I once had a neighbour remonstrate with me for telling his son not to do something dangerous outside my house. Apparently I should have gone round and got him (and inconvenienced myself having to go out). He was told firmly to jog on and that if he didn’t like it to tell his kids not to play there.

The biggest thing here for me isn’t the auntie title but the child’s behaviour and attitude.