DP's nephew - what would you expect him to call me?

[SarahAndQuack]

This is probably really petty but I'm wondering what others think.

My DP and I got together when nephew had just turned four; he's now nine and so has known me more than half his life. He didn't really know my DP's ex well, as they'd been split up for a while.

I've noticed that he never calls me 'Auntie Sarah'. He occasionally uses my first name but mostly simply doesn't address me. He's also quite rude on occasion. He is having a rough time at the moment - his parents split up a bit over a year ago and it's hard on him. So a bit of rudeness is something I'd expect to see and not worry about. But the kinds of things he says and does ruffle me up a bit - for example he'll totally ignore me when I speak to him/if I ask him something, but will do it if my partner or his mother asks. Occasionally I get a reply like 'I don't need to do that' or 'no I don't have to,' and often he'll tell me what my DD (who's three) can and can't do. I don't think this last thing is intended to be cheeky at all, but I've noticed he doesn't do it with my partner.

It crossed both mine and my partner's minds that this may have something to do with us being woman, and him not having any other exposure to same-sex couples (though, as I say, he has known me for years ...).

I feel awkward asking him to call me 'Auntie Sarah' as he calls my partner 'Auntie Firstname,' but I find it kind of weird he doesn't. What would you think? For the record my own DD calls both of us by our first names on occasion; I don't find first names from children rude, it's just the way he seems not to see me as having that role at all.

Our nephews are biologically mine but I have been with DH their entire lives so we're Auntie xxx and Uncle xxx to them. If I'm honest I'm not sure, due to their age, that they realise only one of is biologically related.

Just your Name. Don’t think same sex or not married relevant. My daughter age 14 doesn’t call DH’s brothers girlfriend auntie and they have been together since before she was born. Some families use Auntie a lot for none blood relatives some don’t.

British people are super weird about who gets to be aunt/uncle.
When I was little all my parents siblings and their spouses were Uncle and Aunty Jack and Jill or whatever. I wouldn't have realised until I was a bit older about who was and wasn't a blood relation.

I think the comments about you being "just a girlfriend" are pretty appalling considering you have a child together. Plenty of people choose not to get married.

My own DH family made it quite clear to his niece from an early age that he was the uncle/important one and it's unfortunately meant I don't take much interest in her and as a result neither does he so that backfired a bit!

Do his parents have any other siblings? And do any of those siblings have unmarried partners?

You suggest he doesn't use the correct title for you because he doesn't understand gay couples, but are there any other couples (who are straight) to compare? E.g. does he have a blood aunt with a boyfriend, and does he call that man his uncle?

I used to call my ex's parents my in-laws because we were together for so long and the titles made sense, but they weren't actually my in-laws as we weren't married.

If you were married/civil partnered, I would agree, you would definitely be an aunt, but if you're not... I don't think there's any hard and fast rule. I also don't think you can force a relationship between a nephew/niece and an aunt/uncle anyway. It's the sort of thing that if it happens is nice, but isn't mandatory.

I do find it a little rude for children to drop the "Auntie". My nephews and nieces sometimes do it (both by blood and by marriage) and it's not a big deal but I don't like it. "Auntie X" carries a meaning of affection and also respect. A special relationship. So I get why you feel this way.

I quite flippantly ticked YABU before I read your responses, because you said DP and to me it's normal to reserve the title for people who've married into the family, on the working assumption that they will be sticking around (and some people describe any boyfriend or girlfriend as their partner), but I see now that you are poised to marry as soon as it becomes possible and that you have a child together. So, I will change my vote.

Wow, I don't think i've ever had so many responses to a post before.

In response DH does address the behaviour and the times that DN demanded I leave the room he said no this is her home but that resulted in a a tantrum from DN so its easier to just not be in the room. If I'm in the house during visits DH tries to make DN says hello, good bye and thank you to me, but most times he refuses. I just find it easier to remove myself from the entire situation and that's why I take myself off for the afternoon. I try to see the situation as, I can't force anyone to like me and that it isn't mine or DHs job to teach another persons child manners.

I can see that DN does benefit from the one-on-one time with DH so on the whole it isn't such as hardship for me to take myself out for an afternoon every other week, but because of how he is with me his visits have to work around my schedule, whereas if he was if he was more pleasant with me it would be an open door invitation to him with sleepovers as well.

[quote SarahAndQuack]@AryaStarkWolf - yes, that's exactly what I was saying.

I don't want to force him to call me anything. As I said in my OP, I don't mind first names from children (I know some people do). But I also don't know if he doesn't quite get how to parse that relationship? It's like he's not quite sure what my role is in my DD's life or in relation to him, and so he doesn't quite know how to talk to me.[/quote]
I think this is the key, isn't it? It doesn't matter if in your family you say 'auntie' or not, it's that you expect to have parity with your partner and you do not. That's the issue - that he seems uncomfortable or uncertain about your precise role. And I see how you might be extra sensitive to that because you are in a same-sex relationship, which is at more risk of being minimised or erased.

It MAY be that he doesn't know how to parse your relationship. In which case perhaps the family need to work on that? Or it may be that he'd be like that whoever his aunt's partner was. My partner has been in my half-sister's life since she was about four too, but I know she still sometimes refers to him as 'the guy', and she seems cagey about developing any kind of direct relationship with him or accepting he is in the family forever. It's like she really doesn't know what to do with him and isn't willing to try. So it may also just be a kid thing. Both possibilities are valid.

For the record, I am auntie to my partner's nieces and nephews, even though we aren't married. That's how their family do things, and I'm really grateful that they have accepted/been encouraged to accept me in that way. I certainly never thought of any of my biological aunts'/uncles' spouses as being not part of my family, or not proper aunts and uncles. I find it very sad that so many people here don't hold that view.

Auntie, most definitely.
Well that's what my family have done for generations.

An aunt surely? Perhaps I'm old, but we called our parent's siblings Uncle or Aunt and their live in partners were also Uncle or Aunt.

Nobody uses auntie or uncle any more.
That went out with the 70s
I have aunts and uncles who I refer to as their first names, about and to their faces.
I used to put eg Auntie Sarah in cards but now it's just first names too.
It's very aging and my cool relatives (now in late 60s etc) find it insulting.
I suppose little kids can use it for parents siblings but it's definitely going out of fashion.

My dh’s nephews and niece all call me by my first name (no ‘auntie’) and only the eldest has a chance of remembering a time before dh and I were together. They would introduce me as their auntie though. I don’t particularly care about being called auntie - my cousins called my mum and dad by their first names too. The relationship itself is important, not the title you give it. Strangely my dc use auntie/uncle - not sure how that happened!

I think your partner and the boy’s parents need to refer to you as “Auntie Sarah” to model to him that that is what you are to him.

If that isn’t happening, you neee to ask your DP why not. Maybe she is aware that her sibling and their partner don’t want that, and why?

It isn't necessarily because you are a woman. I got together with my DH when my nephew was 3, he has never called my DH uncle. He used to address us at Auntie Lexilooo and DHfirstname. He's older now so tends to drop the Auntie most of the time. He's a wonderfully polite young man, there's no need for him to call someone who he isn't related to Uncle, he uses Uncle for his great Uncle.

Your not his auntie by either blood or marriage so first name.

Our nieces and nephews don't call us auntie and uncle.

To be honest I think you are creating an issue from nothing.

Nobody uses auntie or uncle any more. That went out with the 70s ... It's very aging ... it's definitely going out of fashion.
Your experience is not universal.

I don't call my blood relatives auntie/uncle. Never have.
@SarahAndQuack
It might not him being rude as such, but shy. Seems daft but he might not know how to talk to you. Shyness/anxiety can just be as crippling in children as it can be in adults if not worse because they don't understand.

My suggestion would be to get involved with something that he enjoys and loves to talk about. It might take weeks/months for him to come around and lots of one-sided conversations. Even something as simple as doing some art or playing with lego can be very productive.
If he uses consols something like Minecraft and the connection can also build up when you don't see each other.

Involving your dd would also be beneficial if it's down to rudeness so see "normal" social interactions. The last couple of months have been difficult due to schools closed so that social development hasn't been there.

Although he's known you for a long time, relationship dynamics might still be a mystery to him, and his parents chose the typical when a man loves a woman, assuming any type of chat has happened. Because of the school closure, relationships might have been something he missed.

I've never called my actual aunts anything other than their first name, auntie whatever sounds stupid and forced to me.

I'd expect him to mirror the people closest to him, who reference you in conversation. That is likely his mom, your DP, and your DD - all of whom address you by your first name.

As for the other issue, I'm wondering if he's trying to distance himself (consciously or unconsciously) from you because he's increasingly aware that relationships breakdown and people can "leave" him? After all, he has already received the life lesson that - even if you assure him you will never leave your DP and you'll always be his forever aunt - he knows you could legally walk away tomorrow and never see him again. (That's not dependent on whether his other parent sees him. That's because his other parent doesn't hang out with your DD. That uncle/niece by marriage/relationship has gone.)

Think you’ve been given a hard time by some OP. I’m not sure why your DP allows this.

It’s fine if he wants to call you by his first name and keep you at a distance but that also means you don’t have to run around after him. Why is he over so often?

I get that he’s a child and he’s hurting you’re being sensitive to that but ordering you around and not your DP or anyone else is not acceptable, you need to tell him every time not to do it.

My dh’s niece has known me since she was about 7 and only calls me by my first name but writes auntie in my cards.
My other niece never calls me auntie either but it really doesn’t bother me. It’s quite archaic I think

My kids started calling my brother’s wife auntie X when they got married, not before. Otherwise all of his ex girlfriends would have been their aunties as well which would be fairly confusing! Marriage is a pretty good cut off point.

if you are not biologically related, I would not force it if he is not ready. He will call you auntie when he feel he had bonded with you and feel close to you enough to see you as a family.

None of my nieces or nephews call me auntie. Nor do they even refer to my husband as their uncle even though we’ve been together since before they were born, so they’ve always known him. Some families are just like that.

But you can let him have a chat with his other auntie and she can let him know that it is ok to call you auntie. Are you two married? Or still in a relationship? It's probably why

I'm married to DH and have been with him since his nephews were 6 and 4.... I've always been MYNAME. Interestingly, they've always called DH HISNAME.... never really thought about it. My children call my sister her husband Auntie X and Uncle Z though 🤷🏼‍♀️ never really thought about it!