Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14

Original poster

DP's nephew - what would you expect him to call me?

336 replies

SarahAndQuack · 29/10/2020 11:08

This is probably really petty but I'm wondering what others think.

My DP and I got together when nephew had just turned four; he's now nine and so has known me more than half his life. He didn't really know my DP's ex well, as they'd been split up for a while.

I've noticed that he never calls me 'Auntie Sarah'. He occasionally uses my first name but mostly simply doesn't address me. He's also quite rude on occasion. He is having a rough time at the moment - his parents split up a bit over a year ago and it's hard on him. So a bit of rudeness is something I'd expect to see and not worry about. But the kinds of things he says and does ruffle me up a bit - for example he'll totally ignore me when I speak to him/if I ask him something, but will do it if my partner or his mother asks. Occasionally I get a reply like 'I don't need to do that' or 'no I don't have to,' and often he'll tell me what my DD (who's three) can and can't do. I don't think this last thing is intended to be cheeky at all, but I've noticed he doesn't do it with my partner.

It crossed both mine and my partner's minds that this may have something to do with us being woman, and him not having any other exposure to same-sex couples (though, as I say, he has known me for years ...).

I feel awkward asking him to call me 'Auntie Sarah' as he calls my partner 'Auntie Firstname,' but I find it kind of weird he doesn't. What would you think? For the record my own DD calls both of us by our first names on occasion; I don't find first names from children rude, it's just the way he seems not to see me as having that role at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

SarahAndQuack · 29/10/2020 11:51

@prettybluepigeons - I know they will, but we've talked about it and we really want to hold out until they change. I do believe they will bring in same-sex marriage in the end.

OP posts:

steppemum · 29/10/2020 11:51

I am bit shocked at some of the repsonses - you are just his auntie's girlfriend, and not his aunt, only blood relatives count etc.

Wow.

Op, I think you may have hit it on the head with him seeing you as just living in same house as dd and your DP, rather than seeing you both as dd's mum, and both having equal status.

But again, I suspect some of this is coming from other adults.

I think the best person to address this is your DP, and/or the boys mum. I don't think it needs to be a big deal, almost a few sentences in passing may be enough. Just enough to say you are together as a couple and dd is your daughter. If that's not enough, then there is space for a bit more.

WindsorBlues · 29/10/2020 11:52

I've been with DH since before our nephew, who is seven, was born. He address DH as Uncle XXX but refuses to talk to me or awknowledge if I'm in the room.

He has an absent dad so time spend with DH is the only time he gets with and adult male. It is really awkward when he visits and I'm my own living room and he demands that I leave.

I just take myself off out now when he visits but am always polite and try and engage with him when I see him even though I know I'll be ignored.

I know I can't force anyone to like me and that his relationship with DH is important so I just let it slide. I can't help but wonder if he's picked up on negative things MIL and SIL have said about me, as normally kids love me.

It'll be interesting how the dynamic changes when our first born arrives in the new year.

ChilliMum · 29/10/2020 11:52

I say this kindly but I think you are over thinking your nephews role in this.

Kids generally refer to adults by the name their parents use. I refer to my sil as auntieX and so that's what my kids call her.

Dh's family call me 'chilli' and so that's what my nephew calls me. I am fine with that - it doesn't really have any effect on my relationship with him.

If it is really upsetting you then have a word with your partner and nephews parents and ask them to refer to you as auntieX.

But in the long run it wont change anything with regards to your relationship with him. I adore my DN and have just as good a relationship with him as my blood Dn (who calls me auntie chilli).

Rezrex · 29/10/2020 11:53

I refer to my uncles wife as "my uncles wife" eventhough she is my Godmother and I've known her my whole life. It's just how we say it and does not have a hidden meaning. This is of course when talking to other people. To her I call her by her first name or nothing at all since it's obviosus I'm talking to her. My nephews call aunts, uncles and their spouses with first name.

On this own this is not an issue. The issue here is that he ignores OP and calls other non-relatives uncle. Him ignoring op is not ok, and at 9 he should know that.

SBTLove · 29/10/2020 11:54

I wouldn’t bother about the auntie thing but he does sound incredibly rude. Telling your DD what she can do and ignoring you? I’d be politely telling him not to be rude, if need be your DP should be saying to his mum
how rude he is.
I don’t agree with pp saying oh he’s only 9 etc, 9 is old enough to know what is rude.

Original poster

SarahAndQuack · 29/10/2020 11:55

@throckmorten - DP and I do do that, FWIW. I mean, it's definitely not that he hasn't heard her referred to as my daughter or doesn't know on some level that she is.

I don't know - and maybe I'm totally reading into things - but I wonder if the fact his parents have divorced is playing into it, and he's sort of reassessing all the parental roles he's seeing?

OP posts:

cardswapping · 29/10/2020 11:55

I think whatever the child feels comfortable with is fine. He will love you the same.

Being the devil's advocate and a bit harsh maybe, if DP has not made you "DW" in 4 years, why should his nephew make you "auntie"? There are no blood or official family ties in this context, if I understand your post correctly.

Sostenueto · 29/10/2020 11:56

U aren't related to him so calling you by your name is sufficient. And as u said he's going through a bad patch so maybe u should take that into more consideration than whether he doesn't use yr name or is bring a bit rude. He is a child you are not.

Original poster

SarahAndQuack · 29/10/2020 11:56

It is really awkward when he visits and I'm my own living room and he demands that I leave.

That is awful. I'm so sorry, that must feel horrible. But good on you and your DP for giving him some support, too.

OP posts:

DowntonCrabby · 29/10/2020 11:56

I’m not sure there’s a right answer really as to what he “should” call you.

If you were Sarah at 4 I think that’s still reasonable, I don’t think that’s part of the rudeness.

It’ll also be very much driven by his parents and how they refer to you around him so it just doesn’t sound like you’ve become established as Auntie Sarah.

My SIL got married when my DC were 5 and 13 and he’s just known as “Phil” to them.

InkyTiger · 29/10/2020 11:57

You are not his Aunt, but I would expect him to call you Auntie.
If you marry your partner you become his aunt. Not sure why people seem to think it is only blood relatives that count.
Definition of Aunt from merriam-Webster.com
Definition of aunt
1: the sister of one's father or mother
2: the wife of one's uncle or aunt

Original poster

SarahAndQuack · 29/10/2020 11:57

@cardswapping - DP hasn't 'made' me DW for the same reason I haven't made DP DW. We want to want until the Church allows same-sex marriage.

OP posts:

steppemum · 29/10/2020 11:57

@WindsorBlues

I've been with DH since before our nephew, who is seven, was born. He address DH as Uncle XXX but refuses to talk to me or awknowledge if I'm in the room.

He has an absent dad so time spend with DH is the only time he gets with and adult male. It is really awkward when he visits and I'm my own living room and he demands that I leave.

I just take myself off out now when he visits but am always polite and try and engage with him when I see him even though I know I'll be ignored.

It'll be interesting how the dynamic changes when our first born arrives in the new year.

gosh that is an awful dynamic. You seem to be handling it really well, but it is pretty unhealthy.

I would be pretty worried about his reaction to your dh having his own dc. I think I would be very careful before leaving him alone in a room with him. Sorry, I am not trying to be melodramatic, but his relationship with yoru dh is not exactly normal, and I would be expecting a vats amount of jealousy.

MJMG2015 · 29/10/2020 11:58

@FlitterMouse

You're not his auntie. He is only 9 and already having a hard time with his parents splitting up. Poor kid

Would you care to explain why you think she's not his Auntie?

Original poster

SarahAndQuack · 29/10/2020 11:58

Kids generally refer to adults by the name their parents use.

But he doesn't, that's the thing.

OP posts:

Alarae · 29/10/2020 11:58

I would call anyone who has been in my life since birth (blood or otherwise) Auntie/Uncle.

Anyone who came in afterwards as a partner to the family would be called their first name.

Regularsizedrudy · 29/10/2020 11:59

I really wouldn’t care. He’s not your kid. Focus on your own dd

MJMG2015 · 29/10/2020 11:59

@Newtothis2017

It would be just your first name. You aren't his aunt. Even if you were married you aren't his aunt. I never called my aunts or uncles married partners by anything other than their first names.

That's not a typical thing at all only to call the blood relative Aunty/Uncle.

cardswapping · 29/10/2020 11:59

@SarahAndQuack fair point. Then I would agree with your DP what you want to be called and ask the child. It is fine to tell a child (or an adult for that matter) your preferred identification.

TumbleBingQuack · 29/10/2020 12:00

I don't have any nieces or nephews yet but we are in a same sex relationship with a son and do LOTS of modelling.

I think you probably have it on the head about not being sure what to call you and I think you need "allies" within the family who will refer to you as "aunty" or "DDS mum". Lots of talking to your DD around your nephew about how she has 2 mums and others have 1 mum and 1 dad, 1 of each, 2 of one, and who they know who have different types of families. Some aunties and uncles are your parents' siblings and some are married, but the important things about families are that they love each other and choose to be there for each other etc.

I'm assuming nephew's parents would be happier about those kinds of conversation that a more direct one?

SBTLove · 29/10/2020 12:01

@WindsorBlues
Why is your DH allowing this awful behaviour from his nephew? Demanding you leave your own living room?!
What age is this horror?
No way I’d be doing what a child demanded.

Original poster

SarahAndQuack · 29/10/2020 12:02

I don't honestly mind what he calls me, so much as that he calls me something, and does understand what role I have in my own house and in my DD's life.

I thought maybe the fact he wasn't calling me auntie was a sort of way in to talking about all of that. I can see from this thread it's not that simple, because 1) he's getting a bit old for it and 2) there's not as much consensus as I thought about when you do or don't use the term.

OP posts:

m0therofdragons · 29/10/2020 12:02

My dc only call people auntie once they’ve married my brother or bil. You’re really over thinking this.

keepgoingorstop · 29/10/2020 12:02

Would you care to explain why you think she's not his Auntie?

Because she's not a blood relative? If the marriage/relationship between her and her wife broke down, then I doubt if the nephew would have any ongoing relationship with the "non aunt"?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14

Swipe left for the next trending thread