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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about my friend's comments?

274 replies

LaBellina · 29/10/2020 10:38

DS is a toddler who has just started to walk. We often use his buggy but DH has bought reins for him to keep him safe in places like a busy road, train station etc. We certainly don't intend to use them all the time, only in certain situations that are more dangerous then let's say, the park or our own quiet street.

I just mentioned buying them to a good friend who told me that 'your DC is not a dog', 'using reins is a violation of human rights' and that I should just teach him not to run of and stay close to me (DS is 16 months) and that she feels sorry for any child she sees on the street in reins. I felt really hurt by her comments because she is a very dear friend and she knows I love DS more then anything.

AIBU to feel upset about these comments or is using reins for my toddler as horrible as she says it is? I just want to keep him safe and have explained this to her as well Sad.

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 29/10/2020 13:19

“Violation of human rights “
hmm

So if your toddler felt like building a bonfire, trying out “swimming” in the park pond, playing with next door’s elderly and grumpy dog... stopping him would violate his human rights ? She is utterly ridiculous.

AlexTheHalloweenCat · 29/10/2020 13:20

@LaBellina

When I was a child my mum always commented on parents who used reins on their DC. She hated reins, thought they were child abuse and clearly felt superior that she never needed them. I wonder if that has made me extra sensitive to my friends comment. My DM was an awful parent by the way.....
Ignore your mum too. Some children are bolters and some children toddle happily alongside and never go anywhere near a road. I have always marvelled at those children, mine aren't like that. It's better to be safe than sorry.

You'll always get opinions on parenting, just look at the furore over breastfeeding/bottle feeding, sleep training, screen time, baby weaning. Just do what is best for your family.

Original poster
LaBellina · 29/10/2020 13:23

@RightOnTheEdge

Did you tell her that she'd hurt your feelings OP? She doesn't sound like a very nice friend but if she normally is and you are close maybe next time point out how rude and hurtful she's being.

YANBU I never understand the negative comments about reins. They don't hurt the child in any way it's no different to making them hold your hand or strap them in a buggy.
Just another way to keep them safe.

Not yet....I'm a bit in doubt about what's the best thing to do. As I said before, its very unusual behavior for her, so a part of me is hoping that tonight or tomorrow she'll look back on our conversation, realize how rude she was and as a result apologize to me.

If she doesn't I might bring it up next time, but she's very stubborn usually, it's not worth getting into an argument about this with her. Surely if she brings it up in any future conversation, I'll tell her that after our conversation of today I'm no longer open to discussing this with her.

OP posts:
redastherose · 29/10/2020 13:24

Ignore her! My eldest was a runner, would just take off thinking it was funny to make you catch her or dart between the rails of clothes in shops where an adult couldn't follow. After a couple of anxious incidents she went everywhere in reins. She's 26 now and hasn't ever said she felt her human rights were restricted by the wearing of reins.

Shizzlestix · 29/10/2020 13:26

Would she rather see him run off/be taken by someone if he’s not restrained? He’s a toddler, he doesn’t have that safety must stay near mummy yet!

Original poster
LaBellina · 29/10/2020 13:26

That surely must have been a great relief to you @redastherose 😂😂😂😂

OP posts:
WhoKnew19 · 29/10/2020 13:26

YANBU - reins were an absolute lifesaver with my DS (literally!) who was a bolter, could walk from a very early age and therefore had no sense of danger or self-preservation. The reins let us all be far more relaxed and let him explore in a way he just wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. I do remember comments from strangers about having him on a lead, but I paid no attention whatsoever.

DD on the other hand never needed them and would walk by my side beautifully holding my hand right from the start. Children are all different and we flex our parenting styles and solutions accordingly. Don't worry about it and carry on as you were.

GilbertMarkham · 29/10/2020 13:29

No she doesn't have any DC herself.

Grin

Your friend is a silly b!tch, sorry.

Being an aunt is nothing like being s parent.

Some toddlers do not listen to you and do what you say any if the time let alone all the time.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/10/2020 13:31

I didn’t get on with reins. I preferred a wristband with dd. She was also a bolter when she was little.

GilbertMarkham · 29/10/2020 13:31

*, but she's very stubborn usually, it's not worth getting into an argument about this with her."

She doesn't actually sound like all that wonderful a person ... You sound too nice and you'll probably realise more and more things about her.

oiboi · 29/10/2020 13:33

I actually think they're less restrictive. Otherwise you have to hold their hand tight all the time whereas they have freedom to move their arms etc. Also I found my son pulled on my arm and over the course of a day it caused a lot of pain in my shoulder, reins fixed it. Also much safer on steps/escalators as you've a better chance of holding them up than with just a hand hold.

I loved reins! My twins loved their reins we sometimes used to play husky sledding. Like proper dogs 🤷‍♀️

ZoeCM · 29/10/2020 13:33

Ignore her.

toastfiend · 29/10/2020 13:40

I didn't like the thought of reins when DS was tiny. Then he started refusing to go in the pram and developed the tendency to bolt off at a run, heedless of anything around him, every time he saw a puddle, even if that puddle is in the middle of a busy road. So now I put reins on him, because it's that or constantly panicking about where he is/forcing him to hold my hand and having to cling on grimly as he fights to release himself and screams because he likes to feel independent and he's not yet 2 and doesn't understand about holding hands nicely yet. The reins give me peace of mind, and him more independence. I've caught a couple of people tutting/looking a bit grumpy about them, but they'd be judging me if he was lying on the pavement screaming and having a tantrum because I was forcing him to hold my hand, too, so I shan't waste too much time worrying about their opinions.

We're working on holding hands and walking nicely without the reins, but they give me some extra peace of mind when needed for now.

BiBabbles · 29/10/2020 13:42

YANBU to be hurt by that remark, it's hard to deal with others thinking the worst in things like this.

Mine all had reins. Only thing I recommend with them is to avoid the wrist-type as they're associated with certain injuries like nursemaid's elbow far more than holding hands does, the ones with straps that go around the chest and shoulders/the backpack kind are great especially with runners (as my first was -- though if you get a flopper/child who tries to dangle from them with their feet off the group like my DS2, they can become awkward).

Original poster
LaBellina · 29/10/2020 13:45

Yes DH bought one that is like a little harness around his shoulders, chest and back to avoid any wrist related injuries.
I wouldn't have mind at all if I had bought a wrist one and she would have pointed out that there are better options, as long as the UN wasn't mentioned ofcourse Wink

OP posts:
BessSedgwick · 29/10/2020 13:47

While we're on the subject ... can anyone recommend some good reins? I think my DS would benefit from them!

Whyemseeaye · 29/10/2020 13:48

You're child, your business!

Everyone is a perfect parent until they actually have children of their own.

Would she prefer your lovely child squashed by a car rather than wearing reins?!

I'd much rather be cautious and put him in the reins than worry what your friend thinks and let something happen to him.

16 month olds don't have any impulse control - and mine pick and choose when they do as they're told!! Both in reins btw!!!

TibetanTerrier · 29/10/2020 13:48

I put a lead on my dog because I love him very much and want to protect him from running off suddenly and being hit by a car. People put reins on their children for exactly the same reason. We do it to protect them and because we love them. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Whyemseeaye · 29/10/2020 13:49

@BessSedgwick

While we're on the subject ... can anyone recommend some good reins? I think my DS would benefit from them!
Little Life backpack reins are great. Double win as I no longer carry their drinks and snacks - they do Smile
Yeahnahmum · 29/10/2020 13:52

Teach your kid first op. Then, if all fails, you use reins.
Reins don't teach your kid anything and if the reins would come off your kid would run on the road. Teaching your kid from a very early age about road rules can save lives. And your kid might be a very helping aNd trustworthy kid. Don't introduce reins first just use a buggy and handholding etc first. That way your kid knows what to do even in case you were to let go of his hand accidentally.

Lulu1919 · 29/10/2020 13:54

Really !!
Goodness mine used reins
Have an 18 month age gap ..baby in pram toddler in reins holding onto the pushchair too ....a thing to,keep them safe !!

SWLondonTown · 29/10/2020 13:56

Try not to take it to heart. Is she likely to have kids? I’d expect an apology in a couple years when she has her own toddler.

Whilst I never used reigns with my toddler, I do use the strap on his scooter whilst he is scooting on the pavement cause it just takes a fraction of a second or a small mistake for something tragic to happen.

roastedsaltedpeanut · 29/10/2020 14:02

I understand your frustration.
Your friend obviously feels very strongly about The issue. As you said this is totally out of character.
Frankly, I hate seeing children in “reins” but I keep my opinion to myself. Each parent has their own considerations. For example a highly energetic child without a sense of fear could often just dash off and ran straight into traffic. I get it. Also I understand using them at busy international airports so the parents can focus on finding the terminal and not miss the flight!

My heart just breaks for these little people who absolutely melts with frustration and anger when the leash is kept so short they are essentially trapped. Imagine screaming child on a leash... Especially when I think the situation doesn’t warrant such drastic protection measure.
Having said that, what she did was quite rude and crass. She may feel comfortable enough in your company to share her true feelings but a bit of civility and manner isn’t too much to ask.

drumst1ck · 29/10/2020 14:08

@BessSedgwick I second the little life backpacks, they are great!

keepgoingorstop · 29/10/2020 14:11

My heart just breaks for these little people who absolutely melts with frustration and anger when the leash is kept so short they are essentially trapped. Imagine screaming child on a leash... Especially when I think the situation doesn’t warrant such drastic protection measure.

Jeez the drama!

Meanwhile children are starving, being beaten and drowning in the sea when their parents are trying to get to alternative countries.

That breaks my heart.