To be upset about my friend's comments?

[LaBellina]

DS is a toddler who has just started to walk. We often use his buggy but DH has bought reins for him to keep him safe in places like a busy road, train station etc. We certainly don't intend to use them all the time, only in certain situations that are more dangerous then let's say, the park or our own quiet street.

I just mentioned buying them to a good friend who told me that 'your DC is not a dog', 'using reins is a violation of human rights' and that I should just teach him not to run of and stay close to me (DS is 16 months) and that she feels sorry for any child she sees on the street in reins. I felt really hurt by her comments because she is a very dear friend and she knows I love DS more then anything.

AIBU to feel upset about these comments or is using reins for my toddler as horrible as she says it is? I just want to keep him safe and have explained this to her as well .

Wow I don't think I've ever seen so many YANBU replies on AIBU .

Thank you all very much for your kind and supportive replies .
You all have made me feel better.

Roll your eyes and ignore.

If she had a kid she absolutely wouldn't be saying this.

I hate it when childless people give their opinion. They haven't got a clue.

I totally agree with using reigns for a young child. I had to do it with my eldest when he was 2 as he would run off just for a reaction.

Just ignore her, and if she brings it up again I would mention that people without children shouldn't really be commenting as they have no idea!

I visited a national trust property once and there was a man with two toddlers using actual dog leads. The children seemed to be having a great time.

Whatever keeps them safe.

I have 5 children and didn't realise until baby number 5 that the little clips that you get on the side of pushchairs seats are to clip the baby reins to to stop them climbing out of pushchairs.

When I was a child my mum always commented on parents who used reins on their DC. She hated reins, thought they were child abuse and clearly felt superior that she never needed them. I wonder if that has made me extra sensitive to my friends comment. My DM was an awful parent by the way.....

How ridiculous!!

I would just reply “We’ll to have agree to disagree on this one” and never discuss it again.

reins are brilliant.
Most toddlers hate holding hands, and it is really good for them to be out of the buggy walking.

Reins are just such an easy solution. Only needed for a while, but so handy while it lasts.

Do what works for you. I used to channel the penguins from Madgascar whenever you get weird comments

Smile and wave, just smile and wave

If I want to keep both my dog safe and my child safe, that doesn’t mean I think my child and my dog are the same. Does she also object to straps on a buggy? On a high chair? To a seat belt?

Haha that's a good one @steppemum. Smile and wave!

I definetly will use them and that's how I'll react to any unwanted comments from strangers. I'd actually rather tell them to fuck off but I wouldn't as it's not really a good example for DS (in my opinion). So I'll keep a pinguin image in my head as a reminder when we're out using the reins

Best piece of parenting advice I was ever given was:

Read books and articles and listen to your family and friends and then do whatever the hell you want and think is best for your own family.

I wish I was more like DH.
He said that he doesn't care about what others think and his only concern is keeping DS safe. And that anyone who wants to judge him for using reins to do that can bugger off.

Your friend is an idiot. The only appropriate response is to laugh.

There is an awesome episode of modern family - they take lily to Disney world.

Hey end up swapping the reigns for baby high heels. People judge them for both.

My child used to run off all the time when he was very little. It wasn't possible to reason with him and he wasn't a child that would do as he was told, unlike my daughter who was the complete opposite. I would say reins are certainly the way forward if your child is similar. Better a child on reins than a dead child. He's perfectly well behaved now btw now he's older. People always like to give their opinions on other parents parenting. Sometimes well meant, sometimes not. Ignore it and do what you need to do to look after your child.

I should just teach him not to run of and stay close to me

Yeah. That's treating a toddler like a dog, not reins. You certainly can train a dog to stay close and not run off. You cannot train a toddler like a dog, it just doesn't work like that!! Your friend will have a shock if she ever becomes a mother!

FWIW I was really anti-reins for much the same reason. Then I had DS. He was a runner! No amount of "training" was going to train it out of him. He has a headstrong personality. He just got older and moved on to expressing it in different ways.

Because I was anti-reins, I didn't put them on him young enough. By the time I realised they would have been a good idea, it was too late to get him used to them, and I couldn't use them with him.

Consequently he spent much more time in the buggy than I would have liked, as it just wasn't safe to let him out near busy roads. So, I realised too late, actually, reins wouldn't have been stifling his freedom but enabling more freedom to toddle about, less time strapped into a buggy. (Ask your friend if she thinks being strapped into a buggy is violating his human rights too.

I remember seeing a woman walking down the road with her toddler behind her, and her not looking back, she was obviously so safe in the knowledge he would follow her. I marvelled at them. DS would literally run in the opposite direction the first chance he got.

DD was much more attached to me. I can't say I could have trusted her to just follow me at all times, but she wasn't a runner in the same way.

@LaBellina

When I was a child my mum always commented on parents who used reins on their DC. She hated reins, thought they were child abuse and clearly felt superior that she never needed them. I wonder if that has made me extra sensitive to my friends comment. My DM was an awful parent by the way.....

That speaks volumes OP!

You must parent according to your child’s needs. I had one bolter who I used one of those rucksacks on that has a lead twin attached. Then went on to have a child that has never shown behaviour that necessitated a restraint.

There are no broad strokes when it comes to kids. It’s far more individualised than that.

Oh god you always get the stupid comments of reins are for dogs etc, total hogwash. They were used extensively in the UK during the fifties and sixties, I know my Mum used them for me and my siblings and I used them for mine. They kept my DC safe from running off and also saved them from falling flat on their faces several times. The UN haven't come calling yet over their human rights being violated.

The reins debate has been about for decades however what sticks in my mind is the story of the dad who refused to use reins, to a 2yo bolter who wriggled free and was run over and died.
The grief was immense, divorce etc, noone ever got over it.

High moral stances are not a good idea in child rearing. Be practical.

I had one child that kicked off over reins Literally went mental from the age of two I trained her "like a dog" according to my mother she naturally stayed withing a six foot radius maximum (she hated holding hands too) when we reached a car park i would say car park rules and she was right by my side she held the loop on my jeans in busy areas all because she hated reins

Her brothers both had reins and are completely feral

You do what works for your children

I used them for DS, there is a relatively small window of time (around age 2 with DS if I remember correctly) where they are needed for safety.

At a certain age some kids are quick as whippets and slippery as eels and don't yet have the intellectual development to understand the consequences of running off.

If your friend had kids who didn't do that, well good for her, but your kids, your decision.

I had a runner (and a quick one at that). I used to use reins and hold his hand for double protection. If I took him out without reins he'd usually run off (he's 11 now, very well behaved and doesn't even remember wearing reins)

Child safety trumps everything else in my view.

The UN haven't come calling yet over their human rights being violated

^^ this one made me laugh so hard!

Did you tell her that she'd hurt your feelings OP?
She doesn't sound like a very nice friend but if she normally is and you are close maybe next time point out how rude and hurtful she's being.

YANBU I never understand the negative comments about reins. They don't hurt the child in any way it's no different to making them hold your hand or strap them in a buggy.
Just another way to keep them safe.

I think reins are GREAT!

They keep a child safe and far from restricting their human rights, give them far more freedom than holding their hand all the time. They can explore things with both hands and get much better at using their own sense of balance than with one arm up holding hands all the time.

I remember having reins when I was a small child and I loved my reins! They had a picture of mountains on the bit that went across my chest which I thought exciting.

YANBU to use reins, but YABU to get upset at your friend's senseless judgey comments. None of her business. Ignore.

I used them for dd2&3 twins after one of the dc who went to cm with dd1 ended up with one leg shorter than the other and brain damage that meant she was sen at school which previously V she hadn’t been. She ran in front of a car age 3. It’s not like a dog - that said, my ddog gets better treatment that the dc if I’m honest. He’s bloody cute!