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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about my friend's comments?

274 replies

LaBellina · 29/10/2020 10:38

DS is a toddler who has just started to walk. We often use his buggy but DH has bought reins for him to keep him safe in places like a busy road, train station etc. We certainly don't intend to use them all the time, only in certain situations that are more dangerous then let's say, the park or our own quiet street.

I just mentioned buying them to a good friend who told me that 'your DC is not a dog', 'using reins is a violation of human rights' and that I should just teach him not to run of and stay close to me (DS is 16 months) and that she feels sorry for any child she sees on the street in reins. I felt really hurt by her comments because she is a very dear friend and she knows I love DS more then anything.

AIBU to feel upset about these comments or is using reins for my toddler as horrible as she says it is? I just want to keep him safe and have explained this to her as well Sad.

OP posts:
TerribleLizard · 29/10/2020 22:44

Early walkers are just babies that shouldn’t be allowed to be mobile gone free range. My second was waking before 10 months. Absolute nightmare. No concept of danger and not particularly coordinated. Even at nearly 3 he HATES holding hands. I may get the reins backpack out again and try to take the pressure out of crossing the road on the school run.

Wanttolearnmore · 29/10/2020 23:16

I can't see how a it's a violation of human rights any more than strapping them into the buggy or car seat is, and noone evers says anything about that. Reins are for safety, I use them for my toddler as he doesn't understand about staying on the pavement and the dangers of cars yet. But he prefers to walk than go in the buggy so it gives him the freedom to do that.
Your friend was rude and out of line, she sounds very judgemental.

ChetChet · 29/10/2020 23:22

Grin Violation of himan rights! What a plonker.
Ask her what she thinks of stair gates.

Fleamaker123 · 29/10/2020 23:28

It's easy bringing up other people's children.

It's not a leash, they're reins, used on toddlers for safety.
You could say holding their hand to stop them running off is a violation too. Ridiculous.

housemdwaswrong · 29/10/2020 23:38

Violation of human rights is very in vogue atm. On the Wales thread it was a violation of human rights to not be able to buy a pen or pencil for a fortnight. Now equate that mentality with her comment and you'll see how stupid it is.

Feelingconfused2020 · 29/10/2020 23:43

I finished you OP with a wide open mouth simply because I cannot believe someone you allow your child to call aunty spoke. To you like that. What did you reply?

I would be distancing myself AND writing her words down so that I can use them myself when she has her first baby and finds its actually a bit harder than she thought. Oh Gosh I would have so much fun!

SenorFrog · 29/10/2020 23:52

I tried to use reins on my ds but he would just drop and swing, I'd about break my arms trying to catch him, he thought it was hilarious. It still makes me laugh... he's 19 now, lol

Your friend is being daft.

Myalternate · 29/10/2020 23:57

I had twin 14 month old runners, usually in the opposite direction. The reins were a godsend!

MaosChaos · 30/10/2020 00:10

Ah ignore... My youngest was a runner with no sense of danger. Reins meant he could be released from his cage (the buggy) and experience the joys of tarmac. He thought he was 'free' (oh gullible little soul).
Also reduced my stress levels/grey hair and allowed me to be a happier mum when out and about.

You know your child. Keep them safe.

Piglet89 · 30/10/2020 00:36

The thing is OP, it is a violation of human rights. As is forced teeth brushing, making them go to their beds on time, stopping them pulling the cat’s tail, stopping them emptying the entire contents of the bathroom cabinet, stopping them falling down the stairs...

They should be able just to run free and express themselves.

Not.

I have a wee reins backpack in my son’s wardrobe. He’s 14 months and has just started toddling. I reckon he’s gonna be a bolter so these will be a godsend.

As everyone says - you’re a perfect parent...until you have your own children.

Original poster
LaBellina · 30/10/2020 07:30

Haven't received any message to apologise from her. I think it's going to be difficult to bring it up to her. Without too much information as it might be outing: due to health issues, she'll never have children. This is very difficult for her even though she has accepted it.

If I tell her that I got upset about how she judged me yesterday and we get into a discussion about it, this will very possibly lead to 'you can't judge me because you do not know what it's like to have a toddler' coming up during that conversation.
Which will probably hurt her more then her judgement has hurt me and I don't want to do that to her. Nor do I want to jeopardize the friendship over this. I will just keep in mind to not go into any parenting decision discussions with her and just change the subject when it comes up.

Thank you all for your replies so far.
It's great to know that those who do understand what it's like to have an active toddler say it's absolutely safer and no harm is done to them in any way using reins. WineCakeFlowers to the lovely MN-etters who helped me with this!

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 30/10/2020 07:32

You sound like a lovely friend OP 😍

You just keep parenting correctly and let your friends comments roll off you. You’re doing great! 👌

Original poster
LaBellina · 30/10/2020 07:35

Thank you @justanotherneighinparadise Blush

OP posts:
TheTrollFairy · 30/10/2020 07:38

Its probably been bought up (I haven’t read 10 pages) but there was a MN poster who’s child ran into a road and was killed.

She says your DC isn’t a dog so you should teach him not to run away - ie, train him like you train a dog Hmm no difference really.

Also, children are unpredictable, they might well know not to run into a road but it takes 1 second to lose concentration and that can be it

hettie · 30/10/2020 07:48

Your friend has clearly never tried to hold the tiny hand of a wriggly, curious active toddler in a busy space. Not only does it kill your back but it's impossible to maintain. After unceremoniously yanking the hood of dc1's duffle coat several times in a bid to sto him running into water/roads etc I got one of those backpack/rein things. DC was very active and needed to be walking but was not old enough to reliably understand danger. They were a godsend. Your friend is being judgemental about something she has no clue about

Veterinari · 30/10/2020 08:09

Putting a dog on a lead is responsible behaviour that keeps dogs and the public safe and prevents road traffic accidents.

Why does she think that keeping a child safe in the same way is a bad thing? Does she value dogs more than children?

Which 'human right' does she specifically think you're violating? His freedom to behave at will? Absolute autonomy is neither practical nor safe for a toddler with limited cognitive/risk assessment abilities.

How does she suggest keeping him safe instead? Insisting on handholding is uncomfortable, forces him into a raised-arm posture, restricts his movement more extremely and is less secure than reins. So what is her solution to preventing him dashing into the road considering road safety, depth perception etc won't be reliable until he's in primary school?

Veterinari · 30/10/2020 08:13

If she's a very good friend then I think you need to tell her that her comment was hurtful and that you've don't want to put limits on your friendship but if she's going to judge you for using safety equipment like reins, car seats or whatever else it might be then you no longer wish to discuss these things with her.

I think you also need to be careful about whether she'll use reins if she ever babysits or takes your son out

Oldraver · 30/10/2020 09:34

She would of hated the reins I had. They were like a padded harness with a padded loop on the back you could lift a child up with if you so wished

They were invaluable going up stairs in train stations

Mumisnotmyonlyname · 30/10/2020 10:32

Harness reins are fine but I do hate those reins that people put on children's wrists.

Mumisnotmyonlyname · 30/10/2020 10:34

Wrong thread, sorry!

Mumisnotmyonlyname · 30/10/2020 10:34

Not, actually.

Original poster
LaBellina · 30/10/2020 11:15

@Mumisnotmyonlyname

Harness reins are fine but I do hate those reins that people put on children's wrists.
We didn't get those. Ours are like a little harness around his chest and back.
OP posts:
Tryingourbest23 · 30/10/2020 11:30

@Veterinari

If she's a very good friend then I think you need to tell her that her comment was hurtful and that you've don't want to put limits on your friendship but if she's going to judge you for using safety equipment like reins, car seats or whatever else it might be then you no longer wish to discuss these things with her.

I think you also need to be careful about whether she'll use reins if she ever babysits or takes your son out

This and what other PPs said
Ivy455 · 30/10/2020 11:32

What on earth is she talking about? Ignore her.

notanotheronepleasee · 30/10/2020 11:35

I used to think this until I had DC!!

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