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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about my friend's comments?

274 replies

LaBellina · 29/10/2020 10:38

DS is a toddler who has just started to walk. We often use his buggy but DH has bought reins for him to keep him safe in places like a busy road, train station etc. We certainly don't intend to use them all the time, only in certain situations that are more dangerous then let's say, the park or our own quiet street.

I just mentioned buying them to a good friend who told me that 'your DC is not a dog', 'using reins is a violation of human rights' and that I should just teach him not to run of and stay close to me (DS is 16 months) and that she feels sorry for any child she sees on the street in reins. I felt really hurt by her comments because she is a very dear friend and she knows I love DS more then anything.

AIBU to feel upset about these comments or is using reins for my toddler as horrible as she says it is? I just want to keep him safe and have explained this to her as well Sad.

OP posts:
FadedRed · 29/10/2020 11:19

Your friend is talking bollocks.
Print this out and refer to it daily: I have found it invaluable.

To be upset about my friend's comments?
coconuttyhead · 29/10/2020 11:19

“Violation of human rights” for gods sake! Would she have done with all health and safety measures for children in general then? how about car seats where they’re strapped in against there will?, safety gates that keep them prisoner?
You’re DS is still a toddler, maybe if he was a teenager I could see her point Hmm

Shinyletsbebadguys · 29/10/2020 11:19

My dm used to Express some lovely --ridiculous opinions. She maintained dummies were lazy parenting until ds2 was in NICU and we and the nurses were using the soecial ones to get him to learn to suck .

She waxed lyrical about reins treating DC like dogs and I rolled my eyes and ignored her. She came out once with toddler DC and I and his cute dinosaur backpack reins, went very quiet on the issue and at the end , in a rare moment of self awareness , quietly said , I see what you mean he really does need them doesn't he.

I'd like to think it taught her not to be so judgemental it didn't , not even slightly

diamondpony80 · 29/10/2020 11:19

My parents had reins for me and my siblings growing up and swore by them. I bought one for my daughter but never ended up using them as she was quite slow to start walking so always needed to be holding my hand. If at any time I thought she could possibly be in danger though I wouldn't have hesitated to use them. They're great for kids who are fast on their feet at a young age!

Janaih · 29/10/2020 11:19

Your friend is a fucking idiot. YABU to be bothered by her idiotic opinion though. Safety first!

IAintentDead · 29/10/2020 11:20

Reins give children far more freedom than having to hand hold all the time.

Sparklfairy · 29/10/2020 11:20

'using reins is a violation of human rights' GrinGrinGrin

Your friend is batshit.

coconuttyhead · 29/10/2020 11:20

“their will” Blush

Original poster
LaBellina · 29/10/2020 11:20

@formerbabe

It's actually almost funny...a violation of human rights?! What particular human right? The right of a toddler to run into the path of an oncoming car?!
Yes if I would hear it from someone that their friend said this to them, I'd probably laugh too... because yes it is a ridiculous comment. But directed at me, coming from a very good friend, it was quite hurtful. I didn't say anything at that time but I wonder now if I should tell her that I was really upset by it. I think I didn't realize how much it would hurt parents when you judge their parenting even when it's trough a ridiculous comment before I became a mum. She might not have realized it.
OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 29/10/2020 11:21

She’s full of shit. If reins keep your child safe in public places, then of course you should use them! I am amazed anyone could object.

As for human rights, we do all sorts of things to kids that we don’t normally do to adults: we make them brush their teeth and wash and go to school and have vaccinations, and we don’t let them eat chocolate until they are sick. Kids cannot make good decisions for themselves until older, that’s why they need parents and other caring adults to look after them.

Triskelline · 29/10/2020 11:21

@formerbabe

It's actually almost funny...a violation of human rights?! What particular human right? The right of a toddler to run into the path of an oncoming car?!
Yup. I think the OP's friend must have a different version of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights to the rest of us...

OP, I've actually only ever encountered the anti-reins position on Mn, never in real life. It seemed to me perfectly possible from reading the posts that these were people who simply weren't often on foot with their toddlers also on foot -- that they mostly drove, or had their child in a pushchair, so the idea that you might regularly be walking on a footpath by a busy road with a toddler was an alien concept.

Good luck with the reins. DS would not tolerate them at all, even the cute ones that come out the top of an owl backback he really liked -- he used to sit down on the pavement and scream like a mini-banshee. Fortunately, he never exhibited bolting behaviours, anyway.

justanotherneighinparadise · 29/10/2020 11:21

Your friend is an idiot. Take notice when people show you who they are. This won’t be the first or last time she undermines your parental decisions.

MLMsuperfan · 29/10/2020 11:22

Some poeple don't get it that every child is different (because they're people, and we're all different).

If you haven't had a 'runner' you won't understand the reins.

It's like this over problem eating. You get people saying "mine were fussy eaters but I just made them go hungry if they didn't like what I offered". But because that worked for them doesn't mean it will work with all children, because they're all different.

Unruly behavior is the same. Mine have always seemed to be naturally orderly; I don't fool myself that's because of great parenting. Whereas my friends kids are pocket tornadoes and always have been.

thosetalesofunexpected · 29/10/2020 11:23

Hi Op you can tell your friend has not got children of her own yet,(she is living in some kind of fantasy world of what small children can be like.
Your friend sounds talks stupid talking out of her back side, dangerous advice she has given you.
You are a good mum believe in yourself your instincts are spot on about feeling more secure comfortable knowing your child can toddle explore a bit within the safety of child safety harness reins...
What a tit your friend is, don't ever trust her to give you a break taking your precious child outdoors ever...

LindaEllen · 29/10/2020 11:23

Oh tell her to bore off. You're keeping your little boy safe! It's not like he's going to grow up being restrained, it's only for while he's a toddler and doesn't know any better than to run off.

It's like saying they shouldn't be in a cot because they're behind bars and it's against their rights to be locked up. It's bollocks. Nobody objects to cots because it's quite clearly there to keep them safe - and surely there are more hazards 'out there' than there would be in their bedroom were they to get out of a cot!

formerbabe · 29/10/2020 11:23

I think the comment says more about her than it does about your parenting. Is easy to give advice and have opinions when you're not having to actually parent a child. Your motivation for using reins is to keep your child safe. That's all. Ignore her.

NationalShiteYear · 29/10/2020 11:23

We have a runner, we use reins every single time he is out of the pram. I'm eternally grateful for them.

I once saw a mum with a slightly older DC on longer reins. I thought they looked really practical and asked her where she got them from. She burst into tears saying she'd only ever had negative comments about them but her DC has additional needs and they really help.

I wish reins deniers would bog off

Pinkywoo · 29/10/2020 11:23

DS was an early walker so can now run like lightening at just turned one, he will not hold hands and is so little it would kill my back. It's just not safe for him to walk without reins, and grabbing his hand to stop him from falling could dislocate his shoulder. There is a lady on Mumsnet that has posted on many similar threads about her child who was killed because her husband wouldn't use reins for their twins, he was distracted by one and the other ran in front of a car. It destroyed their marriage and she still posts occasionally about how it affects her, it's a horrific story.

Nanny0gg · 29/10/2020 11:23

Your friend is beyond stupid.

Reins serve a purpose. They stop bolting toddlers being injured or killed.

Holding their hands isn't always comfortable (for them. You walk around with your arm being held up high) and they can slip theor hands out of your grip.
Although, you can slip the reins over your wrist and hold their hand as well sometimes.

Not everything done 'back in the old days' is wrong.

CleverCatty · 29/10/2020 11:23

Do exactly what you want.

I actually bought my nephew (2) one of those wrist straps recently (he has a rucksack with reins) as he's become a bolter and he sometimes stays with DM and also comes to my place. Would rather see him use that than be killed by a car. Haven't given to DB/SIL yet.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 29/10/2020 11:25

Absolutely ignore her.
Not all child free people think bad of reigns! If anything, I think more people should use them in settings like supermarkets. Safety for everyone

Tryingourbest23 · 29/10/2020 11:25

Hahahaha!!! Lol OP

It is not a violation of a child's human rights to use reigns out in public where it is unsafe for a toddler and age appropriate

Your friend is misapplying HRA, Young DCs are not mini adults that can instantly understand safety and risk, it takes time for DCs learn this

As a parent your responsible for caring for them and teaching DCs whilst helping keep them safe. The aim of reigns is precisely to enable freedom of walking in a safe way to teach road safety and awareness, it's not instantaneous and if using reigns initially is needed for a year or so near busy roads thats okay

Zilla1 · 29/10/2020 11:25

Perhaps she doesn't feel the responsibility as you do, no surprise given you are your DC's parent.

She seems to have a flaky grasp of human rights.

Ignore and continue the friendship and don't take things to heart. It probably won't be the last thing she says that you can choose to be hurt by but she seems to mean well.

Good luck.

CleverCatty · 29/10/2020 11:26

@NationalShiteYear

We have a runner, we use reins every single time he is out of the pram. I'm eternally grateful for them.

I once saw a mum with a slightly older DC on longer reins. I thought they looked really practical and asked her where she got them from. She burst into tears saying she'd only ever had negative comments about them but her DC has additional needs and they really help.

I wish reins deniers would bog off

Reins are an excellent idea!

My DNephew (2) has recently become an on/off bolter - probably due to fact since lockdown he's moved to countryside but now in London parks he's off like a rocket with his DM running after him. By god he's fast too! Grin He's also very outgoing and likes to see what others are up to.

LittleTiger007 · 29/10/2020 11:26

@Mishmased

Ignore her. People say crap sometimes even if they mean well.
This. Your reasons for occasionally using reins are valid and sensible. Her opinion is just her opinion. She’s allowed to give it and you’re allowed to say “I disagree, in certain circumstances there is a use for reins”. It’s called adult conversation.
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