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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this a bit unsettling

192 replies

OverTheRainbow88 · 28/10/2020 17:47

So OH has been away for 2 Nights; he comes home this afternoon and asks how the youngest slept, he’s a terrible sleeper. I said not too bad really and he said oh yes I thought so as when I had a look he was asleep. So I had forgotten that the kids monitors link to my OHs mobile phone. Is it a bit odd to be looking at their monitors from the other end of the country? Not sure why but I found it a bit unsettling. AIBU?

OP posts:
Clandestiney · 29/10/2020 06:38

The OP doesn't need to be up to anything . She is entitled to privacy . She is a person in her own right , she is not her husband's possession that needs to be watched

It sounds like he isn't watching her, if he wanted to have Comms with her he would phone for facetime, but he isn't arsed- and wants to see his child.

NameChange84 · 29/10/2020 06:48

I’m another one who thinks it’s a very sweet, tender thing to do. Wouldn’t occur to me to feel unsettled or creeped out. I think it’s lovely that he missed them and wanted to look in on them sleeping.

Biancadelrioisback · 29/10/2020 07:06

OP I think you should tell him you find this unsettling. Then he can decide whether or not to stay with someone who doesn't trust him.

Tunnocks34 · 29/10/2020 07:43

If I were away from my children for the night I think that I’d be watching the screen regularly by the second night to be honest.

Not weird at all in my opinion

bobby335 · 29/10/2020 08:00

Sounds like he misses them. He's got the tech to see them so why wouldn't he want to have a look? He loves them.

LilyLongJohn · 29/10/2020 08:02

I have cameras in the back garden and sometimes checking on the dogs on the days I'm in the office, I'd have done the same with the dc too (not left them in the garden obviously)

Original poster
OverTheRainbow88 · 29/10/2020 08:53

I think I’ll just unplug it in the day time and then turn it on for the night time!

OP posts:
Ideasplease322 · 29/10/2020 09:18

I think this is a bigger issue. It doesn’t sound like you trust your husband.

Maybe you are irritated by this beciase you are irritated by him?

LonelyFromCorona · 29/10/2020 09:34

This must be a troll post....

EXTRA EXTRA - Father of my kids, who I live with, checks on his kids using video monitor that I know we have

MuckyPlucky · 29/10/2020 09:41

OP- any cursory glance through the Relationships board or AIBU board will show you there are huge numbers of MN-ers for whom their DH’ bugger off for 2 nights (for work, or “hobby”) and seemingly don’t give two fucks how their DC’s are in their absence.

And you’re moaning because your DH isn’t like them? Hmm

sixnil · 29/10/2020 09:47

There's got to be more to this. He is their father! He must miss them so much being away. It must be the most natural instinct for him to want to have a little look at his child if he had the capability to do so.

What's the real issue here OP? If he was spying on you then he's hardly going to let you know he looks, plus it's not as if you don't know he's got the technology on his phone.

He's done nothing wrong or odd in my opinion. Seems like a loving father to me, unless you're leaving information out?

I get it would be very unsettling to learn you were being watched without being known (in which case do switch off camera during awake times), but he's not watching you is he? Just checking in on his child whilst they're hopefully sleeping ...seems reasonable to me.

SirVixofVixHall · 29/10/2020 10:17

Being a father surely does not mean the right to watch your wife and children without your wife knowing.
People saying that the OP is unreasonable, how would you feel if you found out that your husband had been watching without your knowledge?
It isn’t the “lovingly looking at sweet sleeping child” bit that is the problem, it’s the “watching a room my wife might also be in without her knowledge “ that’s the problem.

MuckyPlucky · 29/10/2020 10:24

But it ISNT “without her knowledge”. The OP and her DH are both aware they have the baby monitor app on their phones.

Frequentcarpetflyer · 29/10/2020 10:26

People are becoming far to accepting of surveillance technology.

SirVixofVixHall · 29/10/2020 10:30

It was without her knowledge. She had no idea that her husband was using this tech when away. Totally different to using it while at home.

DougRossIsTheBoss · 29/10/2020 10:44

I think it's ultimately fine and quite sweet but I do understand OP feeling a bit creeped out on initially finding out.

A few years ago I had to come ho e early from a family holiday for work and DH and DC stayed on. It was a long drive at night. I texted DH to say I'd got home and he replied 'I know' because he'd been following me on Find a Friend. Initially I felt creeped out as I had no idea he could or would do that. That was despite me having absolutely no intention of doing anything bad. However after we discussed it I realised he was just concerned for my welfare and missing me and I couldn't be cross with that! We did agree that we would not track one another without explicitly saying so though. I would not want him checking up on me day to day but if I was home late and not contactable then it's fine.

emilyfrost · 29/10/2020 10:47

@OverTheRainbow88

I think I’ll just unplug it in the day time and then turn it on for the night time!
Why? Just to be spiteful?

He didn’t need to “make you aware” because it’s a normal thing to do.

KurriKawari · 29/10/2020 10:54

There's only one odd person in this scenario..

lampshadery · 29/10/2020 10:59

I'm so confused by this. I would absolutely do this if I was away, I can't see the difference with him doing it?

In fact I would expect my husband to do this. Sounds like you have some deeper issues relating to your husband to work through.

jackfruitz · 29/10/2020 11:05

@Smallsteps88

If I was away from home for 2 nights and could check on my DC from my phone I would.
Me too! I think my DH would do the same and I think it’s sweet as I know he misses our child when he’s away.
KurriKawari · 29/10/2020 11:09

If DP was doing this I'd suprise him by getting the kids to say hello to him or stick up a different picture by their bed each night with jokes or messages to him. He would like it n the kids wouldn't feel like daddy was too far away.

DougRossIsTheBoss · 29/10/2020 11:11

I think this is a case where, if the relationship is generally good, no-one has done anything wrong. They just had a different take on things.

He figured out he can check in on his kids when he is away and sometimes does that because he cares about them. He did not think to tell her because a) he assumes she knows he can and might b) he doesn't see anything wrong in it because his intentions are good and he assumes she knows that. Maybe he misses her too and finds it sweet to watch in on his wife comforting their kids at night.

I would 100% do this is I was away from my kids and perhaps couldn't sleep in a strange room. And it probably wouldn't occur to me that it could be seen as creepy.

She feels a bit aggrieved to be checked up on without her knowledge. Although she sort of knows he could do it it didn't occur to her that he does. It's fair to feel a bit unnerved about it.

But If he was a creepy guy with bad intentions surely he would not have let her know he does it.

It's just something you talk about and work out surely as long as you trust your partner. If he seems like the kind of person who would have secret surveillance set up to control your life then I imagine you are already aware that this is not a good relationship.

If not then just talk about it, understand each other's viewpoint and make a compromise.

KarmaStar · 29/10/2020 11:19

Yabu op!come on,I bet if you were to go away you would absolutely look at them sleeping because you missed them.I hope you didn't have a go at their dad for watching over his own children.

Waveysnail · 29/10/2020 11:22

He misses them. Perfectly normal imo

Waveysnail · 29/10/2020 11:23

Do you feel like he is spying on you?

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