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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this a bit unsettling

192 replies

OverTheRainbow88 · 28/10/2020 17:47

So OH has been away for 2 Nights; he comes home this afternoon and asks how the youngest slept, he’s a terrible sleeper. I said not too bad really and he said oh yes I thought so as when I had a look he was asleep. So I had forgotten that the kids monitors link to my OHs mobile phone. Is it a bit odd to be looking at their monitors from the other end of the country? Not sure why but I found it a bit unsettling. AIBU?

OP posts:
TheCovidHalfStone · 28/10/2020 18:29

I’d find that really weird! Absolutely fine if he text and said I’d love to check the kids, but otherwise odd not to warn someone that you’d be watching. I would never think to do that without double checking.

Original poster
OverTheRainbow88 · 28/10/2020 18:29

Well I’m not very technical so don’t even have the app on my phone; I also don’t go away for nights So there isn’t a need to!

OP posts:
reluctantbrit · 28/10/2020 18:30

@OverTheRainbow88

There’s no drip feeding at all.

I guess it caught me by surprise. If I were away I would call and FaceTime it text him and ask.. not just look through the baby Monitor .

Maybe he did it when he had a bit of time but he knew they would be sleeping and didn't want to disturb?

DH often timed calls so that DD would be awake as he knew I may lie down as well and would enjoy the peace.

We normally have a chat in the evening but I think it is sweet that he thinks and checks in remotely.

Clandestiney · 28/10/2020 18:30

I would never think to do that without double checking

Why? So if you had the app and could stream it instantly from your phone, if you just wanted to see them quickly you would ask your DHs permission?

Clandestiney · 28/10/2020 18:31

Well I’m not very technical so don’t even have the app on my phone; I also don’t go away for nights So there isn’t a need to!

Well exactly! But yes, if it's one that evidently can be accessed via phone so uses WiFi presumably then make sure you change the password (not so your DH cant log in).

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/10/2020 18:31

I think I can appreciate how, if you’re with them nearly 24/7 the idea of a couple of nights away seems like an escape and so the idea of still having to be responsible for them and checking up on them Seems like it might almost spoil the point of going away. (At least, that’s the way I sometimes felt when the babies were young and DH was away).

But your DH is in a different position. He isn’t responsible for them in the same way as you 24/7. He isn’t looking in on them to check up on them because he thinks action may be required. He’s just missing them and looking in on them to check up on them in the sense of feeling a connection with them.

Meuniere · 28/10/2020 18:32

I think it’s unsettling when you dint know and do t expect them to do so.

Now that you do know he is keen on checking on his kids and see if they are doing ok, then it won’t come up as a surprise at all anymore and will feel OK I imagine

tolerable · 28/10/2020 18:33

i think if your having to ask-its definately unsettling.

FredaFrogspawn · 28/10/2020 18:33

@Meuniere

I think it’s unsettling when you dint know and do t expect them to do so.

Now that you do know he is keen on checking on his kids and see if they are doing ok, then it won’t come up as a surprise at all anymore and will feel OK I imagine

Yes this. It’s not him watching the dc as such, it’s your own sense of privacy and knowing when he’s tuning in.
gobbynorthernbird · 28/10/2020 18:34

OP, when you say what you hypothetically would do if you were away, do you go away often because you have to? There's a huge difference between having the odd night/weekend off as a break from full-on parenting, and being away from your family for regular periods when you have little or no choice in the matter.

alloutofducks · 28/10/2020 18:35

If I'd gone away when my DC were small (which I never did), and if I'd had the technology to do so (which I didn't), I'd have been watching them on the screen in the way that other people watch TV.

CookieClub · 28/10/2020 18:35

I get the vibe that you're a bit put out that he didn't phone you whilst he was away, to specifically ask how YOU are/coping?
Ie rather than show any concern that he is absent from parenting fairly often, he has instead spied on the baby monitor. I guess it could seem a bit 'lazy' on is part..like he should be making the effort to actually phone his wife and ask after the kids then too.

Or do I have totally the wrong end of the stick?!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 28/10/2020 18:38

There is something sweet about looking at your sleeping child , they look so relaxed , not a care in the worlf .

I sometimes look at my DS sleeping ( he's 20, always has the door open and 100% wears pyjamas Grin )
I love his little beardy facw in slumber (when he's awake it's another matter ! )

user127819 · 28/10/2020 18:40

I don't think the fact he wanted to see his child is unsettling in the least but I can understand that it might feel odd to know you might have been watched when in the room. Wouldn't anyone feel unsettled if you thought there was a possibility a family member was watching you remotely at any time? I would, even if it was someone I trusted.

Eviebeans · 28/10/2020 18:41

Are you concerned that he was somehow keeping an eye on you?

Dopeyduck · 28/10/2020 18:42

We use owlet and my DP openly says he checks DS sometimes to see he’s safe and happy - just because he misses him!

He’ll text sometimes if he sees the cot is empty (means DS has come into our bed with me) saying goodnight to us both.

He works shifts and misses family life. I don’t think it’s weird at all.

BasiliskStare · 28/10/2020 18:45

My DH has a thing on his phone where he can turn all the lights / electrical things off in our house even if he is thousands of miles away, even when I am here - he doesn't , because he is not an arse. We had nothing like that when Ds was tiny but had he had a peep at DS when he was away on business I would have thought that was nice.

Rubyroost · 28/10/2020 18:45

I went back to work after 5 months with my first. I was always checking out my little one on his monitor.. When I got to work, (he'd get up at 9.30) and then during my break,/lunch when he was napping. Does that make me creepy? I would also sometimes hear my boyfriend in the background. 😂

KathysSong · 28/10/2020 18:47

I can understand why you find it unsettling that it's been going on and you didn't know.

Also, while he shouldn't have to 'go through' you, bypassing you this way could mean, over time, that he will miss random yet sometimes important details that come up in passing. And if he's away 4/7 nights and DC are still young, the chats you have are important for you in terms of 'debrief' too. Checking a monitor remotely is sweet, but imho can't replace other important needs.

lyralalala · 28/10/2020 18:50

@OverTheRainbow88

If I was away I wouldn’t look at the baby monitor, I would call and chat, or message OH asking how they are.

Their monitors are on the other side of the room so can see the whole bedroom from them.

Is the baby in their own room or in with you?
MoonJelly · 28/10/2020 18:51

@OverTheRainbow88

Rather than ask the parent who they are with how they are? Or speak on FaceTime?
If he's alone at night in a hotel room, I really can't see why it's in any way odd to want to see his child's face rather than just phone someone else to ask how they are. Plus he may well not have wanted to disturb you if there was a possibility that you were engrossed in something on the TV, busy, putting the children to bed, or asleep.
Summerfreeze · 28/10/2020 18:51

It’s his children, his house, his monitors (that you knew about). What exactly is the point of them if not for him to see the kids, since you don’t even have the app?!

MoonJelly · 28/10/2020 18:52

If I was away I wouldn’t look at the baby monitor, I would call and chat, or message OH asking how they are

Why shouldn't he do both?

CeibaTree · 28/10/2020 18:53

@70isaLimitNotaTarget

There is something sweet about looking at your sleeping child , they look so relaxed , not a care in the worlf .

I sometimes look at my DS sleeping ( he's 20, always has the door open and 100% wears pyjamas Grin )
I love his little beardy facw in slumber (when he's awake it's another matter ! )

That's so sweet 😍My son is only 4 but I can't imagine ever not wanting to peek in on him :)
Wingingthis · 28/10/2020 18:53

Tbh I’d do the same, he probably just had a quick look before going to bed himself as he was missing them. I doubt he sat there for hours watching constantly