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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this a bit unsettling

192 replies

OverTheRainbow88 · 28/10/2020 17:47

So OH has been away for 2 Nights; he comes home this afternoon and asks how the youngest slept, he’s a terrible sleeper. I said not too bad really and he said oh yes I thought so as when I had a look he was asleep. So I had forgotten that the kids monitors link to my OHs mobile phone. Is it a bit odd to be looking at their monitors from the other end of the country? Not sure why but I found it a bit unsettling. AIBU?

OP posts:
TheCovidHalfStone · 28/10/2020 20:10

If I’m at home on my own I have an expectation of privacy. I’d probably be letting it all hang out (figuratively speaking). Why hasn’t he mentioned it is more relevant to me. ‘By the way love I’ll call you on Friday evening and might check in on the kids once or twice on the app.’ My husband has my phone location shared with him for example. No issue with that but would expect him to tell me if he was actually using it. I would absolutely tell someone if I might be monitoring them, inadvertently or not.

PutItInYourPocket · 28/10/2020 20:11

@TheCovidHalfStone

If I’m at home on my own I have an expectation of privacy. I’d probably be letting it all hang out (figuratively speaking). Why hasn’t he mentioned it is more relevant to me. ‘By the way love I’ll call you on Friday evening and might check in on the kids once or twice on the app.’ My husband has my phone location shared with him for example. No issue with that but would expect him to tell me if he was actually using it. I would absolutely tell someone if I might be monitoring them, inadvertently or not.
I'm assuming the monitors are in the children's rooms though? Not the living room or the OPs bedroom?
bloomety · 28/10/2020 20:44

I have a look at my son sleeping when I’m away for the weekend and my Mum is watching him. I miss him and love being able to see his little face.

Echobelly · 28/10/2020 20:53

I liked to look at my kids in their beds when asleep (not DD anymore, she sleeps too lightly!) and used to joke to myself and DH I was being creepy. I think it's sweet he wants to look in on them.

alloutofducks · 28/10/2020 21:04

@TheCovidHalfStone

If I’m at home on my own I have an expectation of privacy. I’d probably be letting it all hang out (figuratively speaking). Why hasn’t he mentioned it is more relevant to me. ‘By the way love I’ll call you on Friday evening and might check in on the kids once or twice on the app.’ My husband has my phone location shared with him for example. No issue with that but would expect him to tell me if he was actually using it. I would absolutely tell someone if I might be monitoring them, inadvertently or not.
An expectation of privacy is reasonable, but I can assure you that if things had been such that I was away and had the technology when my DC were that age, I wouldn't have looked at XH or been interested in what he was doing for a millisecond. I would only ever have been interested in the children.
Bluntness100 · 28/10/2020 21:09

But, not in the day when I’m pottering around their rooms playing with them And I want to know it’s happening

Why not? What are you doing that you don’t want your husband to watch without you knowing?

He doesn’t just do this and not only look at rhe monitor. Personally I would do it, we didn’t have these when my daughter was young, but I’d have face timed and check the monitor when I wanted to see her little face.

raddledoldmisanthropist · 28/10/2020 21:37

I really would stop worrying, OP. I think it's very unlikely he switched the app on at the exact time you were masturbating on the toddler's bed with a dummy in your mouth and a video of Michael Gove on your phone.

Snugglesandsmiles25 · 28/10/2020 21:41

@raddledoldmisanthropist 😂🤣🤣

Notverybright · 28/10/2020 21:41

Then I agree with you, it’s odd. Switch it off in the daytime every time and if he mentions it then you’ll know if he checks up on you or not.

neonjumper · 28/10/2020 21:49

@Bluntness100

But, not in the day when I’m pottering around their rooms playing with them And I want to know it’s happening

Why not? What are you doing that you don’t want your husband to watch without you knowing?

He doesn’t just do this and not only look at rhe monitor. Personally I would do it, we didn’t have these when my daughter was young, but I’d have face timed and check the monitor when I wanted to see her little face.

The OP doesn't need to be up to anything . She is entitled to privacy . She is a person in her own right , she is not her husband's possession that needs to be watched .
Frequentcarpetflyer · 28/10/2020 21:53

@StillCoughingandLaughing

There’s only one odd person in your marriage and it’s not your husband. I’d find your attitude offensive and controlling if I was in his shoes.
"Controlling?" Don't you think that having surveillance cameras in your child's bedroom is controlling?
Cassilis · 28/10/2020 22:03

Why not? What are you doing that you don’t want your husband to watch without you knowing?

One of the joys of being home alone or with young kids is farting with impunity. I wouldn’t want to be observed / heard.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 28/10/2020 22:18

"Controlling?" Don't you think that having surveillance cameras in your child's bedroom is controlling?

Christ, OTT or what? ‘Surveillance cameras’ - it’s a baby monitor! You make it sound like he’s got the place bugged!

The OP was clearly aware of the camera - if you think it’s controlling, then surely she is just as controlling as her husband?

gamerchick · 28/10/2020 22:21

@OverTheRainbow88

He is their biological dad. I’m not sure, I guess if I were kid free away for 2 nights I wouldn’t be watching them on a monitor. I guess it dawned on me he could be watching all day etc!!
I think you would. I know I would if I was away from my bairn.
Frequentcarpetflyer · 28/10/2020 22:23

Christ, OTT or what? ‘Surveillance cameras’ - it’s a baby monitor! You make it sound like he’s got the place bugged!
Doesn't matter whether you call it a surveillance camera or baby monitor, they do the same job.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 28/10/2020 22:24

So my question remains - why is the husband controlling, but the OP isn’t?

copperoliver · 28/10/2020 22:50

He's their father it's nice he cares enough to check. X

stackemhigh · 28/10/2020 23:28

@StillCoughingandLaughing how is the OP controlling?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 29/10/2020 00:01

Because she’s saying her husband needs her permission to look at his own children. How is she NOT controlling?

CutToChase · 29/10/2020 00:13

I think this is really weird and I find the posters calling it sweet quite creepy. Theres just something really unnerving about the idea of somebody watching without you knowing.

The point of this technology is to be able to keep an eye on your children if you arent there. If your partner is there while you arent, I dont see why you would need to watch them. Just ask your partner to get them to facetime. It's a 2 day trip for crying out loud, not a posting to the other side of the planet during a war.

I also find it almost an invasion if privacy of the child to want to watch them sleep by technology like that, although in this day and age of uploading baby photos to FB etc I'm guessing that boundary has long been eroded.

Basically OP I dont find you unusual at all. This would creep me out.

lemmein · 29/10/2020 00:28

If you'd discovered a hidden camera he was logging in to then fair enough, weird - but you knew it was there, and that your DH has the app on his phone. I don't understand the issue 🤷🏻‍♀️

However, you thinking it's unsettling is unsettling in itself. I can't imagine ever thinking my DH was weird in this scenario so maybe you need to explore why you have those feelings about your DH?

ilovepixie · 29/10/2020 00:35

Nothing wrong with it. If I could watch my dog when I was away from home I would!

Audreyseyebrows · 29/10/2020 00:39

I think it’s sweet.

Audreyseyebrows · 29/10/2020 00:41

Do you never sneak in to take a peek at them sleeping?
I used to love watching mine sleep. Bit weird now as they are teens/ adults so obviously I don’t anymore Wink

seayork2020 · 29/10/2020 00:54

Why have a monitor that has an ability to link to a phone then not like when it is used as intended.

To me these monitors are controlling so it is no more controlling to use them for what they are meant for