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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have used the downstairs loo?

763 replies

WheresYourSecretSadness · 26/10/2020 09:50

At a holiday cottage with a friend and each of our 2 kids. The cottage has 3 bedrooms - 1 downstairs 2 upstairs - and all bedrooms are en suite. There’s no other bathrooms or toilets.

I’m in an upstairs bedroom with 4yo DS, my friend is downstairs with her 3yoDS and our girls (7 and 8) are sharing the other upstairs bedroom.

When we’ve been downstairs and me or my kids have needed the toilet we’ve gone to the downstairs one, which is attached to my friend’s room. There’s a door entrance from the hall. This morning they both needed the loo so I took them to the downstairs toilet, but the door from the hallway was locked, it had been locked from inside the toilet. My friend and her kids were in the kitchen so we went through her bedroom to go to the loo.

She was a bit huffy when I came out and I asked what was wrong. She said she’s not happy about us going through her bedroom as its an invasion of her privacy. Fair enough, but my kids were desperate for the loo. She then said that she’d like us to use our own bathrooms for the toilet! Meaning I have to traipse upstairs every time me or the kids need the loo! Not ideal especially when they’re desperate. I (reluctantly) agreed but I think she’s being a bit precious and don’t think it’s a big deal at all sharing a bathroom? If it was me in the downstairs bedroom I honestly wouldn’t mind.

AIBU for using the downstairs loo or is she being precious about “her” bathroom?

OP posts:
Juststopswimming · 26/10/2020 10:20

*Really? And if that's the case then you should have made the argument for the downstairs toilet for ease of your... toilet frightened children.

You have the upstairs toilet. Thats where you take your children. Its no surprise they demand mummy to take them when you evidently think you can do as you please yourself. I cant imagine the other ways you have been a pain in the arse on this holiday hmm.*

All of this! YAB sooo U OP! If I was your friend I would be massively pissed off, especially with your dd taking a shit! I mean! FFS!

On the plus side - THANK YOU for providing us with a Monday morning MN-thread in the style of the olde worlde where no one is squabbling/shrieking at each other over masks/the pros and cons of school closures/having 7 people in their house etc etc.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 26/10/2020 10:20

I'm surprised your 4 year-old need you tobtake him to the toilet, but yes, use your own toilet. Shes not using yours.

OnceUponAnEnzyme · 26/10/2020 10:20

thought it was fine to use as to me it’s a downstairs loo with a door off the hallway.

This stops making sense when you started walking through her bedroom to get to it, surely?

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 26/10/2020 10:21

YABU.

I'd hate that. 😬

I mean we only have one loo upstaira, both my kids managed to use it. They didn't resort to peeing in the drain because the couldn't manage the trauma of going upstairs.

FamilyOfAliens · 26/10/2020 10:21

@WheresYourSecretSadness

I don’t get the comment about being scared of the toilet at four and eight?

At the risk of drip feeding - exDH scared the living crap out of DD when she was toilet training by saying the toilet was a person and when the toilet flushed it was screaming 🙄 she’s been scared of toilets ever since and my 4yo has followed suit. So I go with her every time. I strongly suspect it’s why she ends up being desperate as she holds it in. She won’t go at school and comes out desperate. I’ve been to the GP, no medical issues it’s a mental thing.

In that case, as I posted upthread, go back and ask to be referred to the enuresis clinic.

And while you’re waiting for the referral, check out the ERIC website - it has great advice and support for children with toileting problems.

notacooldad · 26/10/2020 10:21

The door on the entrance said us probably locked not out if pettiness but to stop some coming in at a potential embarrassing moment!

Ukholidaysaregreat · 26/10/2020 10:21

Hahaha! Can't believe you keep coming back to tell us how steep the stairs are. Is this holiday cottage on Everest? Use your own bathrooms!

MirandaWest · 26/10/2020 10:21

If they were both desperate for the toilet wouldn’t it have been better to go upstairs where there were two toilets?

Alexandernevermind · 26/10/2020 10:22

Another vote for no, don't use her ensuite, it's really cheeky. She will have her personal stuff in there, her towels, make up, knickers on the radiator etc.

BrumBoo · 26/10/2020 10:23

@WheresYourSecretSadness

I don’t get the comment about being scared of the toilet at four and eight?

At the risk of drip feeding - exDH scared the living crap out of DD when she was toilet training by saying the toilet was a person and when the toilet flushed it was screaming 🙄 she’s been scared of toilets ever since and my 4yo has followed suit. So I go with her every time. I strongly suspect it’s why she ends up being desperate as she holds it in. She won’t go at school and comes out desperate. I’ve been to the GP, no medical issues it’s a mental thing.

@WheresYourSecretSadness all that doesn't excuse why you won't go upstairs with your children, and definitely doesn't excuse why you took a locked door as a reason to go through someone's bedroom.

As for your children's issues, what your ex did was mean but to let it get to this level is ridiculous. Get your daughter proper help, this is severely unhealthy both mentally and physically.

Whitney168 · 26/10/2020 10:23

@Tashface

Going against the grain here, but if there's a door from the hall leading into the bathroom - coupled with the fact that there are no other toilets which aren't attached to bedrooms, then that would tell me the bathroom can and should be used by anybody.
Absolutely this, the double entrance indicates that it is to be used as 'the downstairs loo'.

As long as you make sure you leave it clean (obviously!) then your friend is being precious.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 26/10/2020 10:24

I think it was fine to access the toilet using the door from the hall.

However when this was locked, you absolutely should have taken the hint and not have gone through her bedroom to use it.

Persephonegoddess · 26/10/2020 10:24

It is her private space, stop being a lazy person and use your own, if you are socially distancing like you should be, then the two households should be using separate toilets if possible or cleaning in between. Stop being so selfish and take a hint from your 'friend'

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 26/10/2020 10:24

And if both your perfectly able children at four and eight really can't manage with going to the toilet upstairs it might be worth asking to swap rooms on the proviso that your loo will be available for everyone to use. Wink

ArranBound · 26/10/2020 10:24

Unless you have mobility issues that make the stairs difficult, then I think you should use the bathroom in your own room. I would hate someone just deciding to go into my bedroom. Your friend might have been keeping something very private in there; it was rude of you to invade her privacy even if not.

LittleTiger007 · 26/10/2020 10:24

Wow. I would have been very cross with you. Due to covid you all need to use your own loo and also you certainly need to respect the privacy of her bedroom!
You should be telling your children to use the loo in their own room. You haven’t respected her wishes and now you’ve posted about it... I think you may lose a friend with your total disregard for her feelings and total disrespect for her privacy or bathroom cleanliness.

I never post grumpy responses like this one... I’m feeling sad for your friend.

inappropriateraspberry · 26/10/2020 10:25

Those saying the OP

Original poster
WheresYourSecretSadness · 26/10/2020 10:25

In that case, as I posted upthread, go back and ask to be referred to the enuresis clinic.And while you’re waiting for the referral, check out the ERIC website - it has great advice and support for children with toileting problems.

Thank you @FamilyOfAliens i will Smile

OP posts:
rachelvbwho · 26/10/2020 10:25

YABVU

It is her bathroom... You have your bathroom--use it.

You didn't use it once in an emergency, you used it multiple times for your convenience and even "trapsed" through her own bedroom to reach it!

I don't see how you can think your bahaviour is OK Blush. Most houses have one bathroom upstairs and they all manage fine.

You are hugely entitled and need to apologise to your friend.

stackemhigh · 26/10/2020 10:25

The fact that there is an entrance to the loo from the hall suggests that the bathroom is not for the exclusive use of the person in that room, and because it was kids needing the loo, I would say YANBU.

However, maybe she already has a bit of a bum deal being downstairs while you are upstairs, so I would respect her wishes and only use the upstairs.

Who chose the downstairs room?

inappropriateraspberry · 26/10/2020 10:26

Those saying the op has her own private bathroom, has she said she doesn't want anyone else to use it? She may be just as happy to have the others use it if they're upstairs.

Original poster
WheresYourSecretSadness · 26/10/2020 10:27

Who chose the downstairs room?

I asked her to take the downstairs room as I wanted to be next to DD as she has night terrors

OP posts:
LittleTiger007 · 26/10/2020 10:28

If you go to the toilet with your 8 year old every time... what on earth does she do when at school? You need to be helping her grow up a little, not perpetuating her phobias. Your bathroom is safe, she can and should be using it on her own.

stackemhigh · 26/10/2020 10:28

@inappropriateraspberry

Those saying the op has her own private bathroom, has she said she doesn't want anyone else to use it? She may be just as happy to have the others use it if they're upstairs.
I don’t think OP was being unreasonable, but what you’ve posted is not a like for like, as her friend is unlikely to want to go to OP’s room to use her bathroom when hers is downstairs.
Aragog · 26/10/2020 10:28

I'd definitely prefer you to use your own toilet. Going upstairs is hardly a traipse, even for a child. In many houses it's the norm anyway.

I definitely wouldn't want you walking through my bedroom.

Even pre Covid that wouldn't have been something I'd have wanted, let alone now.

I wouldn't dream of walking through someone's bedroom to access the toilet when there were alternatives!