To have used the downstairs loo?

[WheresYourSecretSadness]

At a holiday cottage with a friend and each of our 2 kids. The cottage has 3 bedrooms - 1 downstairs 2 upstairs - and all bedrooms are en suite. There’s no other bathrooms or toilets.

I’m in an upstairs bedroom with 4yo DS, my friend is downstairs with her 3yoDS and our girls (7 and 8) are sharing the other upstairs bedroom.

When we’ve been downstairs and me or my kids have needed the toilet we’ve gone to the downstairs one, which is attached to my friend’s room. There’s a door entrance from the hall. This morning they both needed the loo so I took them to the downstairs toilet, but the door from the hallway was locked, it had been locked from inside the toilet. My friend and her kids were in the kitchen so we went through her bedroom to go to the loo.

She was a bit huffy when I came out and I asked what was wrong. She said she’s not happy about us going through her bedroom as its an invasion of her privacy. Fair enough, but my kids were desperate for the loo. She then said that she’d like us to use our own bathrooms for the toilet! Meaning I have to traipse upstairs every time me or the kids need the loo! Not ideal especially when they’re desperate. I (reluctantly) agreed but I think she’s being a bit precious and don’t think it’s a big deal at all sharing a bathroom? If it was me in the downstairs bedroom I honestly wouldn’t mind.

AIBU for using the downstairs loo or is she being precious about “her” bathroom?

I’m sorry I can’t get past the mixed households sharing a holiday cottage when COVID is rampant across the country and many of us are in total lockdown.

Stay home, use yer own toilets!

This^^
Cant believe how long it took for the obvious reason not to go on holidays came up!

Well, who knew people were so precious about toilets.

@maimeo

I’m sorry I can’t get past the mixed households sharing a holiday cottage when COVID is rampant across the country and many of us are in total lockdown.

Stay home, use yer own toilets!

This^^
Cant believe how long it took for the obvious reason not to go on holidays came up!

It came up right at the start of the thread and the OP stated they were in each other's bubbles.

Which if they're two single parents is perfectly possible.

She also said they're in Tier 1 so it is allowed.

You are being totally unreasonable and come over as a privileged, thick-skinned and self-centred person who is bringing up her childrwn to be the same.
You have a loo upstairs. Your children are of school age. They should by now be capable of letting you know when they want to use the loo.
Nobody should have to share their en-suite with an extra pair of children when they haven’t given permission for the use of it.
To walk through a private bedroom to use the en-suite is an outrage and an invasion of space.
I will be surprised if you ever get invited to holiday together again.

@maimeo

I’m sorry I can’t get past the mixed households sharing a holiday cottage when COVID is rampant across the country and many of us are in total lockdown.

Stay home, use yer own toilets!

This^^
Cant believe how long it took for the obvious reason not to go on holidays came up!

People in tier 1 are allowed to mix indoors in groups of six or fewer, and are also allowed to go on holiday to holiday cottages together. It’s not an obvious reason not to go on holiday at all. And OP has also already said that they’re in each other’s bubble. RTFT FFS.

Once again: we live in Tier 1, are holidaying in Tier 1, and are in each other's bubble.

I apologised, we talked it out, we arrived home this evening after having a lovely (but drizzly) time and tomorrow I will be filling out an e-consultation to get a CAMHS referral for DD's issues - thank you @sunshinemode for the suggestion, I guess I was feeling dejected after being fobbed off by a GP who essentially told me I was being precious.

@FontSnob

Well, who knew people were so precious about toilets.

Over 700 comments. Totally ridiculous.

GP who essentially told me I was being precious.
I don't believe for a moment that you explained your children's issues properly to get that response.

I’m sorry you had an awful ex.

However I’m not sure why it’s relevant re using the wrong bathroom! If your dd has fears of going upstairs to her own en-suite alone you just have to go with her and help her? Even if it means going up a flight of stairs.

Your poor friend must have been seething that her private en-suite was being used as an extra loo. Nobody wants someone else’s kids weeing and pooing in their en-suite let alone going through their bedroom to get to it. The locked external door was the biggest hint possible. Why did you ignore it?

I hope you apologised to your friend!

@Othering

Thank god he's an ex OP and is now out of your lives. What a vile man. I hope you and your children thrive without the abusive twat.

Sadly he sees them EOW, dutifully upsets them one way or another, feeds them crap, doesn't do anything nice with them and brings them back.

But I'm told constantly I'm lucky he tries

If you think that the number of replies is ridiculous, OP, don't post your problem on a public forum like this.

She doesn’t go. She often comes out of school holding her hands between her legs 🙄 if I could wave a magic wand and make her not scared I would but sadly it’s not that easy. It’s why she can’t have play dates unless it’s family

I'm sorry, i know this thread isn't about this.. but your daughter is 8 years old and she has an anxiety this bad about using the toilet? This is really severe and could seriously affect her life in the long run. Going to the toilet with her inatead of seeking psychological help is just confirming that her anxiety is rational.. I think you really need to focus your attention on getting her some councelling when you're home (especially with night terrors too, she has deep anxiety issues bless her)

@JuliaJohnston

GP who essentially told me I was being precious. I don't believe for a moment that you explained your children's issues properly to get that response.

So GPs never fob off issues

@RattleOfBars

I’m sorry you had an awful ex.

However I’m not sure why it’s relevant re using the wrong bathroom! If your dd has fears of going upstairs to her own en-suite alone you just have to go with her and help her? Even if it means going up a flight of stairs.

Your poor friend must have been seething that her private en-suite was being used as an extra loo. Nobody wants someone else’s kids weeing and pooing in their en-suite let alone going through their bedroom to get to it. The locked external door was the biggest hint possible. Why did you ignore it?

I hope you apologised to your friend!

It's relevant because he caused many of the issues, and continues to, but I'm the only parent to put the effort in to undo them. When she's at his she says he just shouts at her to go to the toilet on her own. Not exactly helpful

@Duemarch2021 I am, thank you

@WheresYourSecretSadness whaaat. I seen this post when you first posted and now over 700 comments about the loo! Crazy.

Probably just depends what you're like as a person. Personally it wouldn't bother me if your children used the loo if it was connected to my bedroom. I probably wouldn't think much about it to be honest. I get some people like space etc but they're not exactly doing any harm... and people being precious about your daughter pooing is ridiculous that's literally what a toilet is for.

When you gotta go you gotta go, why does it matter where in the house you go?! As long as they leave it clean and tidy I really don't understand the issue... they're children for Christ sake. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Wheresyoursecretsadness: It's relevant because he caused many of the issues, and continues to, but I'm the only parent to put the effort in to undo them. When she's at his she says he just shouts at her to go to the toilet on her own. Not exactly helpful
........
Does she then go on her own though? I mean, she surely doesn't spend the entire weekend crossing her legs. When your daughter is at school she must see other children going to the toilet and emerging perfectly safe. I think she really does need to talk to someone - from what you said earlier it sounds as though you have put the wheels in motion.

Regarding the point of this thread, ie using your friend's loo, you've sorted that; I have to say I can't see that it is such a big deal going upstairs with her and presumably that is what you are now doing.

You take care of yourself.

It's relevant because he caused many of the issues, and continues to, but I'm the only parent to put the effort in to undo them. When she's at his she says he just shouts at her to go to the toilet on her own. Not exactly helpful

I appreciate your ex has caused/is contributing to her fear of toilets.

I just don’t understand why you told her it’s ok to use your friend’s en-suite when there are 2 bathrooms upstairs she can use. Surely by now you can predict when she needs the loo and can guide her up the stairs to her own en-suite (or yours). Or just tell her the downstairs bathroom is only for your friend and her 4-year old, not a communal loo she can pop into when she feels like it?

I’m guessing your friend was cross about the smell/traffic/proximity to her bedroom or she wanted her en-suite available for her own child to use. She probably wanted to keep her towels and toothbrushes/soap/toiletries separate. Booking a house with en-suites suggests she wasn’t happy sharing a bathroom. I’m sure she wouldn’t take her son upstairs to use one of your en-suites if hers was occupied.

In your friend’s situation I’d feel my privacy had been invaded and be very irritated that you hadn’t taken the locked door as a hint.

I’d advise you re-visit your GP (or a different one) when you get home as an 8 year old with a phobia of toilets isn’t something you can ignore. It must be awful for her. A good GP would refer to CaMHS or arrange counselling/CBT/medication to help her overcome this.

Glad you got things sorted with your friend

She was very gracious

You were rude! Inconsiderate and selfish and not being a very nice friend

None of this has crossed your mind that your kid pooing in her en-suite with her personal items around Toothbrush etc as u nicked the best rooms and already had 2 en suites and not respecting her personal space was very disrespectful and unkind

You come across as it's all about you and your problems - she may have issues and problems that she has not inflicted on you

We are in the midst sadly of a pandemic did u use her towels etc? Or did u do a deep clean of her bathroom?

We all need friends treasure yours.

Over 700 comments. Totally ridiculous.

And the OP still doesn't seem to think she was in the wrong. Some people will just never accept that. 😂

Well it wouldn’t bother me if you used my bathroom, not on holiday! If I was a good enough friend to you to go on holiday together, then there shouldn’t be a problem. We should know each other well enough for it not to matter. En-suites are a bonus anyway.

However, she obviously doesnt like it so you do need to respect her needs and wishes. No holiday is perfect, when holidaying with friends, I always find I need to bend somewhere or other. If there are any accidents, you might try renegotiating then.

Really?? Have you all taken leave of your senses?? You're on holiday with a friend, not sharing with a stranger. How precious has everyone become about 'owning' things?! What happened to good old-fashioned sharing? Shame on you all! What happens if someone is in one of 'their' loos and someone else needs to go? Do they wait until 'their' loo is free, whilst a perfectly good other loo remains unoccupied? That would be madness! Two families, two toilets - who cares who uses which bathroom? What happens when you visit this friend's house? Does she designate a certain loo for visitors?

As for accessing it through your friend's bedroom - an invasion of privacy? Really? Was she in there with a secret lover and you caught her out?? If my friend behaved like that on a holiday - where the idea is to relax, not behave like a stressy prima donna over a flipping toilet - then she would be an ex-friend really quickly! Get over yourselves, other posters; you must lead very stressful lives if you condone this sort of behaviour amongst friends on holiday :-( Chill out and adopt a more laissez-faire attitude :-)

@kay1bee "Shame on you all!"

Overreaction much?

How precious has everyone become about 'owning' things?! What happened to good old-fashioned sharing? Shame on you all!

Sharing is great if everybody is on-board and has agreed to it, but you need to share fairly. You can't just keep back what is yours for your own exclusive use (or have something that is no real use to the other person) and then tell somebody that you'll all be sharing theirs.

It's a bit like deciding you and a friend will share an umbrella, but as you're such a kind person, you'll only expect to have it when it's raining and then they're free to use it the whole rest of the time, lucky them.

Two questions: how does OP’s dd manage to go to the loo at her df’s house? Surely he is not doing group trips with the younger brother too?

And, when exiting the downstairs loo, did the OP go back through friend’s bedroom or unlock the external hall door? Just wondering...