To have used the downstairs loo?

[WheresYourSecretSadness]

At a holiday cottage with a friend and each of our 2 kids. The cottage has 3 bedrooms - 1 downstairs 2 upstairs - and all bedrooms are en suite. There’s no other bathrooms or toilets.

I’m in an upstairs bedroom with 4yo DS, my friend is downstairs with her 3yoDS and our girls (7 and 8) are sharing the other upstairs bedroom.

When we’ve been downstairs and me or my kids have needed the toilet we’ve gone to the downstairs one, which is attached to my friend’s room. There’s a door entrance from the hall. This morning they both needed the loo so I took them to the downstairs toilet, but the door from the hallway was locked, it had been locked from inside the toilet. My friend and her kids were in the kitchen so we went through her bedroom to go to the loo.

She was a bit huffy when I came out and I asked what was wrong. She said she’s not happy about us going through her bedroom as its an invasion of her privacy. Fair enough, but my kids were desperate for the loo. She then said that she’d like us to use our own bathrooms for the toilet! Meaning I have to traipse upstairs every time me or the kids need the loo! Not ideal especially when they’re desperate. I (reluctantly) agreed but I think she’s being a bit precious and don’t think it’s a big deal at all sharing a bathroom? If it was me in the downstairs bedroom I honestly wouldn’t mind.

AIBU for using the downstairs loo or is she being precious about “her” bathroom?

Honestly my blood was boiling by the time you failed to get the hint from the lock and demonstrated nothing but entitlement by bowling through your friend’s room and continuing the behaviour that she’d so clearly indicated was not cool. I can’t understand how you ever thought it was ok. You’re lucky you have a friend who’s polite enough to spare your embarrassment by sending you a hint rather than confronting you. But the hint was clearly not enough.

@Clockwork99

Maireas definitely going through the bedroom was a no no without permission.

But in general if there is a toilet downstairs in a holiday venue I would imagine it is communal when you can access it from the hall (otherwise why have a door in the first place).

this could have all been avoided if:

1. friend had mentioned she'd like the bathroom to her self (fair request)
2. OP didnt go through someone's room

a simple conversation would have avoided this!

I dont believe this at all. We holidayed with the in-laws in august. There were two bedrooms and a bathroom on the ground floor, and two bedrooms and a bathroom on the first floor. We took the first floor due to the steps. We used our own bathrooms. We wouldnt use the downstairs bathroom because that belonged to the downstairs bedrooms, as it was there only bathroom. And we had our own. Because that is just good manners.

What op wanted was her own exclusive bathroom upstairs, and use of the friends bathroom downstairs.

Would op have been fine with her friend going to the upstairs bathroom for a shit every time, because it was more Private?

their only bathroom ffs.

@Clockwork99

Maireas definitely going through the bedroom was a no no without permission.

But in general if there is a toilet downstairs in a holiday venue I would imagine it is communal when you can access it from the hall (otherwise why have a door in the first place).

this could have all been avoided if:

1. friend had mentioned she'd like the bathroom to her self (fair request)
2. OP didnt go through someone's room

a simple conversation would have avoided this!

See I just can’t imagine assuming anything other than it was a private en-suite because why should the friend (especially give she got no choice of rooms) be the only one without an en-suite?

If the OP wanted it to be communal then the two children should have shared that or, at the very least, she should have suggested that the person in the non-en-suite room pay a bit less.

To split the cost, dictate the rooms and then leave the only other adult with no-en-suite is just rude imo.

I agree with the trend, go upstairs and use your own bathrooms and definitely don't go through her bedroom. It is her ensuite and I wouldn't want to share it with four other people if it was me. You are being unreasonable. There may be an exception for the young child if desperate but no one else.surely you can manage the stairs!

I wouldn't use someone else's en suite either. A lot of people have one upstairs bathroom in their homes (I grew up with this and now have one bathroom downstairs) and manage perfectly well. I'd be annoyed if I was your friend, sorry

@Clockwork99

Maireas missed that from the first paragraph

I still stand by my comment though. MN seems very particular about toilets! As long as it's not left in a state, I don't see the ptoglem. If you can access it from the hallway, then it's communal unless her friend mentioned this ... Locking the hallway entrance is PA.

In terms of traipsing. If you are downstairs why the need to go further when there is a functioning toilet closer? Bit too precious on loos!

It's only a communal loo if the holiday let is under occupied, if the rooms are fully occupied it serves as the bedrooms en suite It's not difficult

The general consensus is that the downstairs ensuite 'Jack and Jill' bathroom was just for the friend and her child otherwise she wouldn't have locked the door into the hall. It might be different in one's own home or if it was one family staying there of course, most people are flexible in that case, but it wasn't.

However the op has got the picture now, she said so and she and her friend talked about it; all is well, they are still friends and they're still on holiday together! I expect she felt a bit embarrassed and wanted to offload on here - and it wasn't a hanging offence - plus she could talk about her daughter's toilet phobia which must be a worry*. All over now.

I hope they are all enjoying their holiday. The weather is brighter today in the South East which is pleasant.

*I remember when I was a kid I was scared to go upstairs on my own when it was dark. Not during daylight hours though. I was also scared to go upstairs at night when I was an adult or if I was in bed upstairs and, rarely, needed to go to the loo, was scared to leave my room. It sounds barmy now, I live quite alone with no problem, but that's how it was. it worried me because I thought the fear would never leave me! Obviously I did go, I had to, but was shaking and terrified. It seems strange looking back but we can't help how we feel.

The reason this holiday house has a Jack and Jill bathroom (two doors - both lockable from inside, allowing it to be accessible from the corridor like a cloakroom, or only from the bedroom like an en-suite) is to allow holiday makers greatest flexibility and reflecting the fact all other bedrooms have en-suites.

If this house were not at full occupancy, in all liklihood the bedroom left empty would be the downstairs one. Then the downstairs bathroom would become a general purpose cloakroom for all and the door to the corridor would be left unlocked.
If the house is at full occupancy, the fact it is a Jack and Jill allows all bedrooms including the downstairs to have their own en-suite. The occupier simply locks the door to the corridor so there is only access via the bedroom.

When everyone has their own en-suite, and people understand the downstairs bathroom (which isn’t just a loo but bathroom with toothbrushes, towels, personal stuff) is the only bathroom for those in that bedroom, people will go uk’s it airs to their own, especially if the door to the corridor is locked.....the locked door makes it very clear there is no general access.

If this were a house with just 1 bathroom upstairs and several people were having to share bathrooms, then it could well be that the downstairs bathroom would become shared too. But this isn’t the case with this house...there are enough bathrooms for 1 per bedroom, but then no further loo or spare bathroom for general use. It’s a very good set up for a 4 bed holiday house and most people would find the toileting arrangements very good - giving them privacy and their own facilities. Few people would think they should have their own facilities but someone else should share theirs with them too - giving them access to 2 loos, whilst someone else was left without their own private facilities.

The only time when the downstairs bathroom might be used by others too could be in there were elderly/disabled guests or very tiny children AND in advance the common use of the downstairs bathroom hAd been discussed and agreed AND the use of it for these purposes was kept to an absolute minimum. If other people were sleeping upstairs and going up for bed, there would be few cases where they couldn’t also go upstairs for a wee too....so the common use if the downstairs bathroom would be very rare.

Hi
I work for CAMHS and this would definitely be accepted in my service if other things have been tried. Try to get a referral from school if GP is not willing to do so.

@clockwork99 there was 2 ensuites upstairs as well so
2 people per room with a bathroom per 2

I think the reason for this thread being 29 pages is that it's like the old days . In these times there is a desperate shortage of CFs, ghastly mils and other diversions by which we can be outraged.

Thank you, OP, for letting us all get riled up by something nice and trivial! (Although not so trivial for poor friend with the poo fumes on her stuff in her bathroom...)

MN seems very particular about toilets! As long as it's not left in a state, I don't see the ptoglem. If you can access it from the hallway, then it's communal unless her friend mentioned this

You don't need to leave a toilet 'in a state' - the fact is that doing a normal poo will often leave a lingering smell, which will pervade into the attached bedroom. Plenty of people never use their own en-suites in their own homes to poo because of the smell.

this could have all been avoided if:
1) friend had mentioned she'd like the bathroom to her self (fair request)

I really don't get why you'd need to mention wanting to have your own share of the resources. If you were sharing a cake with somebody else and there were two plates each with a half of the cake on it, nobody would take one and feel the need to explain that they wanted this plate to themselves as the other person had their own plate; you'd think it was blatantly obvious.

It put the friend in a very difficult position as she realised that OP struggled with boundaries. Are you saying that she should have had to be proactive in very awkwardly pointing out that, as the other rooms had their own en-suites, this was the one for her room - and then have the indignity of having to explain that she was on her period and thus quite reasonably had even more need for the privacy that she would have expected as a given?

Having the possibility of your own children bursting in on you in the bathroom is 100% different from somebody else's children - however close friends they might be.

Also, to those saying that the bathroom had a doorway into the hall, so it was also a communal one, practically, that then renders her opportunity to access it through her bedroom redundant, so effectively she never has the ability to hope to use it as a private en-suite. If the others using it do so in such a hurry (and incidentally, children desperately needing a toilet frequently leads to a mess being made once they get there), you're not telling me they'll think to lock the en-suite door - thus the friend is expected both to use the bathroom knowing that somebody else could enter at any time and also that she could go in to use it and be met with a child dropping a stinky steaming turd.

This thread has allowed us all to have a vent about something pathetic. Where are the noisy neighbour and bad parking threads by the way?

Jack and Jill and CAHMS, its all going on.

Can you even be on holiday with someone at and mixing households indoors at the mo due to Covid restrictions 🤔

You all have a bathroom each, don't use hers!

@WheresYourSecretSadness

So even if we are literally next to the downstairs bathroom door we should go upstairs (the stairs are steep and there’s a lot of them) to use the loo?

My kids often only tell me last minute when they need the toilet so it can be a mad rush

Yes.

MN seems very particular about toilets! As long as it's not left in a state, I don't see the ptoglem. If you can access it from the hallway, then it's communal unless her friend mentioned this

But the door allowing access from the hallway was specifically locked to stop it being used. The OP disregarded this and went through the bedroom instead.

Can you not swap bedrooms say you need to be downstairs

Use your own bathroom and next time you go on holiday with her, ask for the downstairs bathroom so your children don’t have to be aware of the bad vibe that you are creating with your friend.

@Jack80

Can you not swap bedrooms say you need to be downstairs

She already said that she needed to be upstairs next to her DD.

Plus they have already sorted it.

@slashlover

So your DD can hold it the entire day at school but can't hold it the 30 seconds it takes to go upstairs?

😂😂
fair point!!

Personally I don't care if I have to share bathroom. Like I wrote, I grew up with one bathroom. Meaning while my mom and us three girls have our period, the boys and guest still use the same bathroom we used.People are privileged today to have extra bathrooms.

But she did paid Extra money to make sure everyone have their own bathroom so use your own. Otherwise you all would have chosen a less expensive cottage

YABU and no, I wouldn't have used the nearest one.

Your children are quite old enough to get upstairs in time to use the toilet, you're just using them as an excuse because YOU'RE too lazy to use the stairs.

It IS an invasion of her privacy and the only person being precious here is you.

You're also being extremely rude in totally disregarding her wishes; why are your feelings on this topic more important than hers? She's made a very simple request regarding her personal space. You are being a very poor friend to her.

Pull yourself together.