To uninvite future SIL to wedding?

[Weddingin2021]

After a very long conversation it has transpired that DP thinks his sky has an issue with us. She has some "split loyalty" issues and afaik she doesn't wants to upset his exW for being close to us. Their split happened years ago and she's always been weird but with wedding date upobus I've told told him that she either comes in "good faith" or she's not welcome. I understand the split royalty thing, but it's time to move on as I'm as part of the family as the exW was/is.

I agree with ZoeCM.

Not inviting a sibling who seems a bit distant is not worth the lifetime of fallout that will result, even with small numbers allowed.

If you don’t want her there, then don’t invite anyone but your respective parents. No siblings, no other relatives, no friends. That is the only way you aren’t driving a permanent wedge into the family, making every family gathering for the rest of your life stressful. Focus on having a successful marriage. That requires putting up with some relatives you don’t particularly like, but who are not so egregiously in violation of social norms that you can justify exclusion.

She was distant to his ex wife many years ago . (,The only one he's ever had).

Well if he has to invite his nieces, then he has to invite his sister. So it’s all irrelevant anyway.

With the severe limitation on numbers, you do not "have" to invite the entire family of each family member. I agree that you should only invite the SIL, and maybe her new partner (depending on how that will work for your DP). You don't need to invite all 4 of them! That would be madness.
If she takes umbrage that you haven't invited her children, then bonus.

Sorry, pressed post too soon - I meant "bonus because she might decide not to come and then you'll have space for your friend"

Yes, we've agreed that his nieces are invited. He's happy for her DP not to be invited but then family politics mean that his DBs GF shouldn't be invited either (but I do like her and have a relationship with her, so she's "non negotiable").

Firstly I hope her name isn't Sky because that's what you wrote in your OP. I found it very hard to understand your posts as it jumps from her DSon to yours to her DD to something about clothes which I just simply don't understand as it seems all over the place and I can't work out who has what DC. But, what you said doesn't sound like she's being mean. Maybe she has ASD, or is just shy/socially awkward so gives presents to people she knows? You haven't answered a PP's question as to how much effort you have made to get to know her? Maybe she feels that you have been snubbing her.

Why does your DFiance (not DP anymore, since you're engaged!) have to convert, especially if you're only having a Registry Office wedding, and not even a religious one? When you marry someone, you take them as they are. Why can't you accept him as he is, why do you need to change him and his beliefs to marry him? Why should he have to change, just to marry you? Why don't you change instead? Better still, why can't you be Jewish and he be...... whatever that is? It is seems unfair, false and hypocritical.

How can his sister take up 4 places? If you can only invite 10, you invite 10 - them themselves, no partners/children. None of this makes sense. If you're limited to 10, common sense would suggest you would invite 10 DIFFERENT PEOPLE. Not 4 people with one person. I'd say his mum, dad, sister, brother. Your mum, your dad, best friend, sister. Add a friend (best man) for him, that gives you 9. And you've got a spare left for a friend or relative. I really don't understand what the issue/s are. She seems shy and reserved but nice, you're not even having a Jewish wedding, and as I showed, you can invite her and a couple of friends, PLUS both sets of parents. How can this possibly be more straight forward?

He’s right postpone the wedding, it shouldn’t be this difficult.

It hasn't been us snubbing her because we've invited her to our place a few times and ultimately she's never shown up.

He's not converting anyways, he says might one day but obviously it's mandatory to have a fulfilling family life. We live a Jewish life for the most part so in that way I'm not bothered. I did want a proper religious wedding but it can only be done if both partners are Jewish (and why conversion is needed). There's that new rule so we're happy with that middle of the road option.
I've told him he has to solve his differences before the wedding as it's definitely not something to be hanging on us on our "big day".

If the nieces have been agreed why start a thread about the SIL, how could she be uninvited when you are invited her children.

but obviously it's mandatory to have a fulfilling family life

Um, how is him converting 'mandatory' to having a fulfilling family life? None of that makes sense.

What does 'living a Jewish life' mean? Why can't you just live a normal life?

And what 'differences' does he have to sort out?

You don't explain anything you say and none of it makes any sense whatsoever. Life should not be this complicated.

Sorry it should have been it isn't . A family Jewish life is celebrating your holidays /shabbat going to Hebrew. school, having bar/bat mitsvot

The nieces were agreed in terms of inviting his sister, but the whole thing feels very awkward.

OP your future SIL being distant is not a very big deal at all, and on the scale of insults about as low as you can get. You would be massively unreasonable to turn this into a family feud, especially as it doesn’t seem you ever made a hug effort to not be distant with her, and she’s never done anything to you.

You say you have a good relationship with the rest of his family—I would look to keep it that way. Starting a fight (and that is what you would be doing) with his sister would not be advisable.

I get the feeling the issue is more that your DF's nieces/nephews are being invited, as well has his sister and that means you have less people on your site to invite - and that if it was ONLY his sister (and no nieces/nephews) it wouldn't matter so much as she would only take up one place?

Good luck with your wedding/blessing, OP.

In answer to your question, you're not unreasonable to want positive vibes at your ceremony though would be to dictate that he couldn't invite his DSis, even if you don't understand why he would want to, given your take on her behaviour. Invite her, get a photo of both of you and put it on social media. This will either break the ice or annoy her if she is being distant out of loyalty to your DP's ex (the loyalty might not be an entirely bad thing either though I can see why you would find the distance upsetting). Families can be complex.

Good luck.

I haven’t read the whole thread but like a previous poster has said I’m also actually in the position of your future sister in law . My brother in law left his wife after 20 years and three kids. He didn’t behave very well at all . Im afraid that I have much more in common with his ex wife whom i remain on very good terms with and have not much in common with his new wife whom he left her for. I was also appalled at the way ex wife was treated . I gave presents for their DC to the ex wife direct simply because that’s where they spent Christmas and birthdays when they were children . It didn’t occur to me to do otherwise . I don’t live near any of them now but I have seen my new sister in law once in the past year but spoke for over an hour on the phone to former sister in law only a few weeks ago. I am absolutely civil , friendly , polite and do birthdays etc to new sister in law but we just don’t gel so I wouldn’t ring her up for a chat in the same way I do my former sister in law. She is equally not that bothered about me ! The two brothers are on excellent terms still . It did annoy him at first that we still saw his ex wife socially if I’m honest but we were careful to manage the situation . I’m saying all of this because I wanted to explain that in my case it wasn’t intentional for me Not to bond with new wife it’s just that we didn’t click; and there was no malice at all in the present thing. I understand why you wouldn’t want to “waste a space” on inviting her but I really think it won’t end well if you don’t .

I just think op, if this is real, he’s turned it into a big issue that the sister has a problem with you both, then says he thinks she should be invited at the expense of your guests, then when you’re predictably not happy with this roars in with the suggestion of delaying it, he also not converting to Judaism which is important to you it seems.

The whole thing has alarm bells ringing all over it. I mean, you know him, but this doesn’t sound like a bloke who is keen to me.

@Weddingin2021

We met in October 2017, he had already been on decree NISI stage . (He originally for married June 2016, left my February 2017).

By August 2018 we had realised we wanted to get married BUT he had to convert . So he started the process which takes at least 3 years
By Dec/Jan we realised that we didn't want to wait til 2021 to TTC so just got on with it.

Baby was born in late 2019 and a few months later we decided we wanted to get married In 2021 (the liberal branch decided that it was possible to have more "traditional" ceremonies without conversion) and that brings us to today.

Look at it from your SIL's point of view: Your DP and his EX were together for 10 years and two children, he got married and then left abruptly 6 months later. He left in the February and by October you were together. She feels awful for her ex sister in law and may even be suspicious you were the secret OW.

Can't you just be the bigger person and accept it will take time. You haven't known any of them that long. Cutting her out of the wedding will cause massive repercussions for no good reason.

@Clareflairmare to be fair to the OP she also said the ex-wife was already in a relationship by May, so months before he moved on. That could insinuate the ex-wife was the cheater and her new husband the OM.

She's closer to his ex wife, big deal! Don't let jealousy and insecurity eat away at you. You sound weirdly obsessed with her preferring the ex over you, when considering the ex had children with your now boyfriend who are her own nephews/nieces, it doesn't sound weird at all. He has kids with her so the ex will continue being a permanent fixture with his family members, and they may like her more than you, you have to get over it.

I suspect there's more to this story and she may have got a 'vibe' from you and is keeping her distance. With you planning to disinvite her and cause a family upset (which btw will come back to bite YOU) is not putting you and your own motives in a good light at all. If you're plotting in any way to divide his family I hope your boyfriend comes to his senses and ends this relationship with you .

“We met in October 2017, he had already been on decree NISI stage . (He originally for married June 2016, left my February 2017).“

He marries in June 2016
He has a decree NISI in October 2017.

You need to be married a year before you can file for a divorce and obviously they didn’t use the 2 year separation so he accused her of what, unreasonable behaviour?

Yeah, there’s a huge backstory here you’re not telling us that would explain why his sister is treating him (and you) as she is.

Could she have a problem with him converting? Why has he changed his mind on this?

Would your family be able to travel if we are still restricted? If we are not restricted then you can invite as many as you like.

The set up seems as strange as this thread.

Will this be his second or third marriage? I'm confused with his Dsis distance with ex wife comment maybe Dsis takes time to warm if there was only 1 ex wife?