Page 10 | To uninvite future SIL to wedding?

Weddingin2021 · 2020-10-25T19:38:35+00:00

After a very long conversation it has transpired that DP thinks his sky has an issue with us. She has some "split loyalty" issues and afaik she doesn't wants to upset his exW for being close to us. Their split happened years ago and she's always been weird but with wedding date upobus I've told told him that she either comes in "good faith" or she's not welcome. I understand the split royalty thing, but it's time to move on as I'm as part of the family as the exW was/is.

EmeraldShamrock · 26/10/2020 01:10

Sorry I saw your update just 1 ex wife.

Original poster

Weddingin2021 · 26/10/2020 01:49

I don't think anybody knew he had to convert. Yes, I believe they find me a bit exotic (as in being foreign and Jewish) but his family is really nice about it, they've asked if I follow kosher for example when we were invited over for a BBQ (and they asked if I'd get offended with Christmas presents the first year).

Before all the restrictions, his sister had an issue with my DP inviting her exH even though he is his close friend and boss, but I don't think that's the reason for the rift. Like I've said o understand the whole loyalty thing (the DC are here 50/50 btw) so they do spend their birthdays here. Christmas they don't as we don't celebrate it on the day, but they do have a Christmas celebration (plus Hanukkah). But when it comes to the baby the behaviour is still very odd. A normal person would come and give the presents, not give them.to the exH so he can pass them over to my DP. The nieces haven't met the baby either. Even his DM and DB have commented how everything is a bit too odd.

As I've said, I'm not close nor geographically nor personally with my sister so I understand he can be perfect comfortable with his set up/situation but I don't demand that my sister should.be here, I couldn't care less.

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lyralalala · 26/10/2020 01:53

@Weddingin2021

I don't think anybody knew he had to convert. Yes, I believe they find me a bit exotic (as in being foreign and Jewish) but his family is really nice about it, they've asked if I follow kosher for example when we were invited over for a BBQ (and they asked if I'd get offended with Christmas presents the first year).

Before all the restrictions, his sister had an issue with my DP inviting her exH even though he is his close friend and boss, but I don't think that's the reason for the rift. Like I've said o understand the whole loyalty thing (the DC are here 50/50 btw) so they do spend their birthdays here. Christmas they don't as we don't celebrate it on the day, but they do have a Christmas celebration (plus Hanukkah). But when it comes to the baby the behaviour is still very odd. A normal person would come and give the presents, not give them.to the exH so he can pass them over to my DP. The nieces haven't met the baby either. Even his DM and DB have commented how everything is a bit too odd.

As I've said, I'm not close nor geographically nor personally with my sister so I understand he can be perfect comfortable with his set up/situation but I don't demand that my sister should.be here, I couldn't care less.

Your DP is close mates with her ex, but has made no effort with her new partner... and you really can’t put your finger on why she’s distant?

toomuchpeppapig · 26/10/2020 06:24

Sounds like you want to get married a lot more than he does - that's why you're having to kowtow to what he wants with regards to the split of guests. If you can have 10 guests in total then you should have 5 each. He's deliberately trying to make unreasonable requests like you only getting 2 guests, and insisting on inviting a sister he never sees, as he's hoping you'll throw your toys out of the pram and call it off. Sorry op but he doesn't want to marry you anymore than he did the last wife - he's just going along with it like he did the last time, and he'll be gone in the short term. He'll give the same sobstory to his next gf about you, that he gave to you about his ex wife. I'd postpone the wedding at the very least....

Original poster

Weddingin2021 · 26/10/2020 06:28

I think it's a very childish attitude between the two of them. But for the same reason why should 4 out of 10 seats be taken by them?

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TitianaTitsling · 26/10/2020 07:25

So you see no issue basically banning your husband to be's sister from the wedding to allow her ex husband to attend? (due to spaces allocated)

saraclara · 26/10/2020 07:44

@Weddingin2021

I think it's a very childish attitude between the two of them. But for the same reason why should 4 out of 10 seats be taken by them?

So just invite her. Or her and her partner. It's entirely reasonable in these days of very restricted numbers. If she takes offence at the children not being invited, your problem might be solved.

But leaving her out is going to make the vibes at your wedding considerably less than positive. Surely you can see that?

Original poster

Weddingin2021 · 26/10/2020 07:55

Would it be that unreasonable to not invite her partner? I understand the nieces after all it will be the chance to meet their cousin.we have no relationship with her partner.

I see family relationships a bit different. I know my relationship with my sister will never change for example, but there's a high chance that she'll make me super upset on my wedding day, so why invite her? (This view is a bit extreme, bit it's one of the reasons she's low on my guest list).

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EmeraldShamrock · 26/10/2020 08:05

but there's a high chance that she'll make me super upset on my wedding day, so why invite her? (This view is a bit extreme, bit it's one of the reasons she's low on my guest list)
How is that? She has never set out to deliberately upset you, what are the chances on her doing it on your wedding day.
SIL is being used as a distraction. Guest numbers may increase by the time of the wedding happens or decrease.

Original poster

Weddingin2021 · 26/10/2020 08:08

@EmeraldShamrock I'm talking about MY own sister, not his. What I'm trying to say Is that I'm of the opinion that you have to have a good relationship with people you want to be present at important life events, not because they're family they don't get automatically invited. By April I doubt numbers would have changed anyways.

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maddening · 26/10/2020 08:32

I think I would just postpone the wedding or have literally the dps and the direct siblings (no partners and their dc) and your own dc. It is then clearly not snubbing anyone and then have a full celebration party when the covid shit show is over..

EmeraldShamrock · 26/10/2020 08:37

I'm of the opinion that you have to have a good relationship with people you want to be present at important life events, not because they're family they don't get automatically invited
It is your choice in many families immediately family is invited automatically unless you have a bad relationship with them otherwise it creates a bad relationship from a not so good one.
Don't invite your Dsis if you are not happy with her. If numbers are still low I'd invite both your parents firstly.

OssomMummy1 · 26/10/2020 08:40

@BangBux

YABU. It's HIS decision whether she's invited or not because she's HIS family and would be there as HIS guest, not yours. How would you feel if your DP told you that you couldn't have your family members there?

well said. I agree.

MadameMeursault · 26/10/2020 08:42

I think for the sake of keeping family peace you should invite her. Her only crime really is being distant, maybe coming to the wedding will help address that. If it’s a numbers issue just invite her.

Original poster

Weddingin2021 · 26/10/2020 08:44

I haven't told him she shouldn't be there but that at least he has to sort it out. I only hear how odd everything is but he does nothing about it. I want my wedding to be calm and what I want it to be and not have to worry about "awkwardness" especially when it's such a small party.

I've already compromised as I just want a to elope.

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FinallyHere · 26/10/2020 08:50

He is causing a bit of drama about the guest list. His last suggestion is that we postpone until ...

And, bingo. He really isn't all that keen on marrying this time round, either, is he.

I'm very sorry to sound harsh but I feel really sorry for all the threads we read where the current partner never questions anything and is just convinced by the lines they spin never spotting it's the exact same line.

There is always a pattern.

Believe me I've asked him a million times about it

Sadly, what he says about it is very much not necessarily what he really means. I'm sure you can see that in his relationship with his ex-wife. It's much more difficult for you to see for your own relationship. To anyone from outside the drama, I'm very sorry to say, it's blindingly obvious.

For the record, getting excited about the outfits is just getting excited about an outfit. It is sadly not evidence that he feels differently about this ceremony and hence about you.

What matters are his actions, which have been to stir up drama and push you to compromise after compromise. He is not acting like someone who really wants to marry you.

That is his pattern.

@Bluntness100 got it in one

WhereamI88 · 26/10/2020 08:52

Honestly getting married should be a source of joy, a celebration, something you look forward to. Are you sure you want to get married now? This all sounds horrendous, I'm getting stressed just reading your (very jumbled) posts. Either you each get 5 guests or you postpone.

Uninviting her is something he should do of his own initiative. Even so, you'll likely get the blame. This has the potential to ruin your relationship to this family forever and cause more drama down the line.

Kalula · 26/10/2020 08:54

Given the numbers, it should be sister only. No partner. No nieces. Sister only. Tell him it's that, or elope.

mum11970 · 26/10/2020 08:56

Well how often do you and you’re dp go and visit his sister, her partner and nieces? Does he take his nieces birthday presents round or drop them with someone else? You’ve already said that your dp doesn’t have any interest in getting to know his sister’s dp but seem to find it an affront that his sister is making no effort with you. Seems she’s treating you with the same indifference she is being shown by her db.

Piglet89 · 26/10/2020 09:01

“Oy vey!” as you guys might say, @Weddingin2021 - this thread is so confusing.

Original poster

Weddingin2021 · 26/10/2020 09:06

Well exactly @WhereamI88 it should be that way. But instead it's been this whole "oh but it has to be done this way because of my family" which is fine I understand. I'm very, very detached and couldn't care less if my family is there or not. I haven't seen my sister in almost 2.5 years (same with my dad) and last time I saw my DM was a year ago. And I'm ok with it.

I don't have that many friends but I can certainly end up inviting 3.

I also understand that from his side he wants to prove that this time he means it. In general we've both a fairly odd attitude to the engagement, it wasn't secret but we didn't just go ahead and told the world so to speak.

I think because there was no real "engagement" we just decided it was happening and that was it.

In all fairness the one thing that has been sticking point has always been the reception/guest list. Everything else has been fairly straightforward and easy to plan.

He says that he feels bad that he can't get me what I want (which is true but it's also impossible) .

But the ceremony, what we'll wear, decoration, etc .. that's hasn't been a problem at all.

I did tell him that I thought the whole thing felt like having a dark cloud over it and he said that I should look at the bigger picture (us) rather than the event itself and that the answer was there.

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ittakes2 · 26/10/2020 09:11

If she comes she will see how much he loves you so it’s really a win for you is it not?

WhereamI88 · 26/10/2020 09:12

Well I wouldn't want to marry someone just to prove something and definitely not with a cloud hanging all over it. I know, I've done it and the resentment builds and builds and builds.

Original poster

Weddingin2021 · 26/10/2020 09:13

Yes I think he is to blame just as much. I think he got butthurt when she promised to come over to celebrate my DSS birthday and she didn't show up. It has never been about me but that she has snubbed this family so to speak.

We've invited over a few times for dinner but they cancel.lasr minute or never accept.

He has to sort it out. I don't think he can just want me to accept a massive level of awkwardness at what it's supposed to be a very important day in my life.

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averythinline · 26/10/2020 09:17

If you have restricted numbers you have half he has half...its his choice who he invites..
He is still being a coward and trying to make it your fault.....he can be quite clear with his DM that he only has x guests so she doesn't make the cut... . I guess he's always been a coward so has pissed her off before...

I think you will find his cowardice and willingness to blame you an issue in the future...but at least you know about it
But you need to stand up for yourself why can't your guests come ..don't be a martyr that way resentment and anger comes...

If I could only onvite a few people my siblings/partners would not make my list...all families are different..