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AIBU?

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Original poster

To uninvite future SIL to wedding?

285 replies

Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 19:38

After a very long conversation it has transpired that DP thinks his sky has an issue with us. She has some "split loyalty" issues and afaik she doesn't wants to upset his exW for being close to us. Their split happened years ago and she's always been weird but with wedding date upobus I've told told him that she either comes in "good faith" or she's not welcome. I understand the split royalty thing, but it's time to move on as I'm as part of the family as the exW was/is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 22:02

My sister is a complex situation in itself. I don't mind if she doesn't come but if she does come I think it would be very unfair to not have her toddler and husband considers they'd be flying from abroad.

Ultimately we'll probably end up with three different ceremonies, all meaningful in their own way but the registry one which would be the first one of the lot should be more evenly split.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 22:03

Hang on, would your parents, nephew, siblings even come? If they live abroad? Are they planning to if invited?

Waveysnail · 25/10/2020 22:05

Just go with you, groom and the kids. Job done

Antst · 25/10/2020 22:06

Take the high road and invite her. Don't give any hint that you've picked up on her odd behaviour.

Trust me, you could very well end up regretting it if you don't invite her and she spends the next few decades hating or resenting you or being sad and dragging everyone else into the drama.

If you exclude her, your wedding will become about her.

If you do invite her, you will be able to feel superior about being more mature and she won't be able to hijack the occasion with bitterness.

Invite her and be as gracious as possible to her so that she can fade off into the background and you have no additional stress because of her.

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 22:07

Op, he’s kinda putting a lot of obstacles in your path op...firstly the convert thing, then the guests, now he won’t let you have any guests and wishes to delay

You sure he wants to get married?

AllosaurusMum · 25/10/2020 22:08

[quote Weddingin2021]@AllosaurusMum you're actually on the money. He makes absolutely no effort. He always takes her distance very personally. I've met his nieces only a couple of times so in all of their family conflict I'm 100% an outsider.

We're very separate which is why I don't understand why they have to attend.[/quote]
But then why are you putting this all on SIL and split loyalty? It’s really down to your DF not making any effort with her family but expecting her to chase after him.

CakeRequired · 25/10/2020 22:08

You sure he wants to get married?

He doesn't, but op will find that out in 6-12 months when he walks out.

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 22:10

I don't know @Bluntness100 which is I guess part of the problem. My DM is a hypochondriacs. My DSis lives across the channel so it's a lot easier for her to attend. My DF I'm sure would probably come if invited.

There's a high level of uncertainty of my family would come but I've still got friends who would come.

That's why I've suggested to just elope (with children) I think it's the fairest thing to do but he thinks it's really unfair on his side of the family.

OP posts:
FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue · 25/10/2020 22:11

Don't cause unnecessary drama. Be the bigger person. Perhaps she's close friends with the ex, and she feels awkward being close to you too. Rise above it.

WorraLiberty · 25/10/2020 22:11

@Bluntness100

Op, he’s kinda putting a lot of obstacles in your path op...firstly the convert thing, then the guests, now he won’t let you have any guests and wishes to delay

You sure he wants to get married?

I agree

I'm beginning to think the OP should call his bluff and tell him he can have his own way.

Just to see the panic on his face and hear what else he'll come up with.

notsureofname · 25/10/2020 22:16

He does not want to get married. Obstacle after obstacle. Your eureka moment is not his ....

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 22:17

His whole family knows about it, which is what makes me think he's actually serious about it. (Believe me I've asked him a million times about it).

In a way you're right I've said he can have whatever he asks for so can't say no. I can genuinely see he gets worried when I get upset about the whole situation so I do believe he wants to marry me.

It's never been easy (family abroad, religious conversions) and deciding to get married when all of this Covid mess is happening doesn't make it any easier

I can see him getting excited about things like the wedding bands or our outfits, etc.. so I know he's being genuine.

OP posts:
windturbines · 25/10/2020 22:17

Sorry for my earlier silly moment, I had totally forgot they separated x years ago Blush

OP, honestly, I think you should just wait and invite everyone. Like how most people are doing who are in the same boat this year.

I suspect you are reluctant to wait because you don't want a repeat of what happened with him and his ex? Even if you don't want to admit it, rushing a wedding isn't the answer you're looking for.

I think you need to have a really honest sit down with yourself and truly get to the bottom of this and why you're so against SIL/causing the drama. I really think she's a red herring.

CakeRequired · 25/10/2020 22:22

Op, I bet he was 'excited' for his previous weddings too. Its easy to fake excitement and say the right things. Hes done it twice before, not like he doesn't understand the process. I bet he came up with excuses on the last ones too to wait.

Make your own mistakes though. You'll realise when he walks out. But if you want some advice, wait a few years of actual marriage before having another kid. Check that he's actually genuine.

windturbines · 25/10/2020 22:22

With all due respect, OP, faking enthusiasm is easy to do. Do you really think his ex would have married him if he was dragging his feet the entire time they were planning it? He clearly showed enough enthusiasm for someone who had known him a long time to go ahead with it.

The way you say it's difficult to get married makes me think that's perhaps why he 'wanted' to get married in the first place- there's so many challenges it'll take forever, anyway.

I'd really hold off and have a proper reconsideration. I know people can change, but honestly, I haven't seen it happen often at all in reality. I'd be worried if I was you.

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 22:22

He’s not that excited op if he’s suggesting postponing it indefinitely.

I’m fairly sure his last wife thought he was genuine too.

If this man loved you and wanted to marry you he’d be ensuring you could have who you wished there and doing this fairly. Not making a grab for all the guests them suggesting you postpone when you’re predictably unhappy about that.

jacks11 · 25/10/2020 22:26

I think YABU. I get why you might feel that way, though I think it is probably an over-reaction. To be honest, I think the potential consequences are probably not worth any satisfaction you might feel from making your point to her. What does your fiancé want, as it is his sister and so would be his guest?

I think if you did this you would be sending a very definite message to her. She has been distant but not rude to you or about you to others (or if she has, you have not said so)- just said she feels it is hard as she is very close to her ex-SIL. I think that is a bit daft as she could be friendly towards you without being your friend, for instance- but maybe she has her reasons (related to the split between your fiancé and his ex-wife, possibly something to which you are not privy to, or perhaps about how his ex-wife feels about him marrying again). However, uninviting her from your wedding risks causing a rift between you and his family. Any hope of her thawing would most likely be utterly gone (perhaps you don’t care, though the fact you would consider uninviting her suggests it dies matter to you). You may find that your in-laws “vibes” at your wedding may not be as positive as you’d like if you cause an unnecessary rift. Is this really the best way to make yourself “part of the family”? It’s certainly picking a hill to die upon.

Feedingthebirds1 · 25/10/2020 22:28

But in a nutshell, we're only allowed 10 guests (due to current regulations), my DPs DS (who's had odd behaviours around us) would take 4 out of those 10 guests. I'm only allowed two guests

So out of those 10, his parents (2), his DB and GF (2), hid DS and DC and BF (4)

His, his and his. Never mind the maths (which I understand) there's no way I'd be marrying a man who wasn't going to split it fairly - whether it's what he wants or whether he's being pushed into it by his family and he won't stand up to them. It tells you very clearly where you sit in the family hierarchy. He gets eight guests, you get two (as you put it, you're only allowed two). Nope. That definitely isn't fair.

This isn't just about his sister. There's a wider issue at play. You wanted the ceremony, and because you're getting it you're not seeing the bigger dynamic that relates to your future together. Take a step back and reflect.

AlternativePerspective · 25/10/2020 22:30

Op, I bet he was 'excited' for his previous weddings too. Its easy to fake excitement and say the right things. Hes done it twice before, not like he doesn't understand the process. I bet he came up with excuses on the last ones too to wait. hang on, I’ve read the OP’s posts and I can’t see where he’s been married twice?

Tbh I think that dumping your wife within six months of the wedding is pretty questionable behaviour as it is, but if he’s been married twice then I would run for the hills personally. I never get these women who think they’re the one when they’re actually last in a long line....

katy1213 · 25/10/2020 22:30

Surely his side shouldn't be allowed to bring partners when numbers are so tight? His brother brings a girlfriend - that's a place that should have gone to one of your friends. And there's a very good case for no children.

giantangryrooster · 25/10/2020 22:33

I know you don't want to see this, but please protect your assets etc. His interactions with his previous family, his sibling and you doesn't bode for a stable future relationship.

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 22:35

Well I'd like his DBs GF to be there. She's always been very nice and super helpful at times of need.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 25/10/2020 22:42

This has been such a drip feed that I've probably lost the plot. But could his delaying tactics be anything to do with conversion? Because I can think of one reason that might mean he's very un-enthusiastic!

ZoeCM · 25/10/2020 22:49

Me reading this thread:

To uninvite future SIL to wedding?
CakeRequired · 25/10/2020 22:52

@AlternativePerspective

My DP has even said it's not the first time she's behaved this way. She was distant to his exW many, many moons ago.

I took this to mean that his sister didn't like his previous ex wife before his recent ex wife. Maybe I read it wrong.

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