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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To uninvite future SIL to wedding?

285 replies

Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 19:38

After a very long conversation it has transpired that DP thinks his sky has an issue with us. She has some "split loyalty" issues and afaik she doesn't wants to upset his exW for being close to us. Their split happened years ago and she's always been weird but with wedding date upobus I've told told him that she either comes in "good faith" or she's not welcome. I understand the split royalty thing, but it's time to move on as I'm as part of the family as the exW was/is.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 21:37

@windturbines

Sorry if I've missed something, but how can she have been with him ten years and have a fourteen year old together? What?
Because they split up in 2016. She fell pregnant immediately so the child would be thirteen ir fourteen now.
Prettybluepigeons · 25/10/2020 21:38

if it is a blessing rather than a legal wedding, are you going to have a legal wedding?
if so can't you have some guests to that and then others to the blessing?

00100001 · 25/10/2020 21:38

yours could be: mum, dad, sister, nephew and friend

his could be: mum, dad, brother, sister and 1 other.

Prettybluepigeons · 25/10/2020 21:39

and if there is to be no legal wedding then it's not worth worrying about anyway

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 21:40

His last suggestion is that we postpone until we can have 25 guests. I'm.not super happy about it because nobody knows when we'll be allowed.

His issue is that he cannot not invite his nieces (understandable) and all of my family lives abroad abroad so it's not as easy for them to come, but I definitely have enough friends to even the guest list out

OP posts:
BeardieWeirdie · 25/10/2020 21:40

Wtf. His nieces/nephews and sister’s boyfriend don’t trump your dad! Don’t marry this twat -in any case- if he thinks it acceptable to bagsy all bar 1 of the guest list.

theamplifier · 25/10/2020 21:41

Have you already invited SIL and children? If so, you need to make peace with this and focus on something else.

You can't uninvite her!

If you haven't yet invited her and other guests then say it's adults only other than your children. That gives you three extra spaces to play with.

Uninviting SIL if you've already invited her will create far worse problems.

Cornettoninja · 25/10/2020 21:41

Practically speaking I think in your position I wouldn’t be accommodating +1’s or dc (apart from his and your baby naturally). Make it clear on the invites that due to circumstances you’ve had to make some tough decisions and hope that in better times you can all celebrate together properly.

I think that’s the only fair way to do it. You certainly can’t ask him not to invite his sister, but then he shouldn’t expect you to have so few people to choose to ask to attend.

WorraLiberty · 25/10/2020 21:42

@Weddingin2021

His last suggestion is that we postpone until we can have 25 guests. I'm.not super happy about it because nobody knows when we'll be allowed.

His issue is that he cannot not invite his nieces (understandable) and all of my family lives abroad abroad so it's not as easy for them to come, but I definitely have enough friends to even the guest list out

Bingo! This is why I think he's causing all this hassle over guests and shit stirring about his sister.

He's trying to long this out as much as possible, just like he did with his ex. He managed that for 9 years didn't he?

LIZS · 25/10/2020 21:42

You want to go through a non legal ceremony which your family cannot attend - why?

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 21:42

We're having a registry wedding followed by a blessing.

The blessing could happen on a separate date and the. I could invite all of the people who are meaningful to me. I still think that the registry should be more evenly distributed.

OP posts:
AllosaurusMum · 25/10/2020 21:45

Why do you think it’s ok that your DF makes no effort with her or her new partner but wrong that she does the same now towards you?
What’s your DF’s relationship with her kids? Does he make an effort there?

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 21:46

Sorry for all the confusion . We may have both (we don't know yet as synagogue politics aren't simple) .

In the meantime the only certainty we have is the date we've already booked at the registry office. Which is the 10 guest list sticking point.

OP posts:
ConfusedcomMum · 25/10/2020 21:46

Get a pre-nup.

Zeebeezee · 25/10/2020 21:48

This is all very confusing.

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 21:48

@AllosaurusMum you're actually on the money. He makes absolutely no effort. He always takes her distance very personally. I've met his nieces only a couple of times so in all of their family conflict I'm 100% an outsider.

We're very separate which is why I don't understand why they have to attend.

OP posts:
00100001 · 25/10/2020 21:50

.... so why can't you just have 5 guests each??

lyralalala · 25/10/2020 21:50

Why not just do the registry bit with the kids and your parents?

It’s not on that you are being expected to not invited your father so that his nieces can come.

I’d do either - kids and parents x4

Or kids, parents x4 and then siblings x3

Boulshired · 25/10/2020 21:52

Because it seems he calls the shots, to please him you have not invited those close to you, it should never had got to the stage.

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 21:53

You're probably right @00100001 TBF I've never approached it that way.

But thanks to this thread I've realised that I didn't quite get why he's so adamant to have his DSis when we're completely separate entities.

I don't have a problem with doing the same with mine but I guess I'm more pragmatic.

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 25/10/2020 21:55

Are you enjoying all the needless drama you seem to be creating OP?

My sister would take at least three seats so it's a never ending "not enough seats" situation
'At least' 3 seats? Surely she'd only take up one. When the permitted number is so low, you just can't invite whole families. It's a registry wedding, surely people understand that.
No partners, no children. Easy and fair.

IseeIsee · 25/10/2020 21:56

I'd get married after Covid when you can invite more guests. You have a child and a house together. Is there an urgent need to marry. Don't think it is a good idea not to invite his sister. You should probably invite your sister also unless you have had a major falling out.

lyralalala · 25/10/2020 21:57

You have to question @Weddingin2021why are you expected to sacrifice your father and sister (and your sisters family), but he can’t possibly get married without his nieces?

Why is that?

Is it because he’s controlling or is it because he expects you to accept the suggestion of putting the wedding off?

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 21:58

Also I wouldn't have a problem to have more of his side if he was actually close to them but he isn't.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 25/10/2020 22:00

@Weddingin2021

Also I wouldn't have a problem to have more of his side if he was actually close to them but he isn't.
That’s not really the point

His closeness to his family is irrelevant when all of the compromises are being made by you, and your family.

Even if he seen both of his siblings every single day that still wouldn’t make it acceptable that you can’t even invite both of your parents, let alone your sister.

He is not more important than you. You are meant to be equal. And equal doesn’t necessarily have to mean 5 people each exactly, but it should certainly mean both of your parents and your siblings are equally counted before in-laws and nieces/nephew are added on.

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