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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that children don’t need their own room?

265 replies

BedroomDrama · 25/10/2020 15:24

If they are the same sex and don’t have a massive age gap?

My boyfriend and I are in the process of trying to buy a house at the moment. He has 2 daughters who are 6 and 11 who he has 50% of the time. They currently share a bedroom when they’re with us, but have their own room at their mum’s house. With most of the main mortgage lenders upping their requirement to a 15% deposit minimum, a 3 bedroom property in one of the areas that we’d like to live in (and is practical for work, their school and not being too far from their mum) just isn’t feasible at the moment. It might be in a couple of years, but not now.

I really don’t think it’s that much of an issue for siblings to share a room though. I get that it’s nicer not to have to share, but I imagine that having your own room used to be the exception rather than the rule? My dad is one of 4 (2 boys and 2 girls) and they grew up in a 3 bedroom house so had to share until they moved out. My grandma was one of 9 and she certainly never had her own room! I had to share with my younger sister for 2 or 3 years and managed to survive the experience, it just doesn’t seem like that much of an issue.

A couple of people have just assumed that we’ll only be considering 3 bedroom properties though, and have said things like “Ohhh, well, X will need her own bedroom soon” and it’s made me feel a bit guilty that we’re expecting them to share. Even the vendor of one of the properties that we looked at seemed surprised that we were considering it as it only had 2 bedrooms. The girls don’t seem to mind at the moment (younger one loves sharing, the older one would probably ideally like her own room but is happy enough sharing) and I really don’t think any child needs their own room in the circumstances that I’ve described.

I can’t be the only one? Their dad agrees with me (in fact he’s less worried about it than I am) and I’m not sure we’ve really got another option, but it would make me feel better to be told we’re not being unreasonable!

OP posts:
Mamadothe · 25/10/2020 19:47

I think it depends if your planning on staying in this house forever and if you can afford 3 bed or not.

It’s not the end of the world if they have to share. I had to share when younger and yes it was annoying but I coped just fine.

Namenic · 25/10/2020 19:54

Kids vary in their personality, but I don’t think it’s necessary. In fact it’s only recently in history when people have been able to have their own room. I Had a big extended family so often had to share with guests (only had brothers).

willstarttomorrow · 25/10/2020 19:55

If you can only afford a 2 bed you can only afford a 2 bed. Lots of children share rooms (despite what mumsnet says) and in the very recent past a family with several children lived perfectly happily in a 2 bed house. In large parts of Europe it is still very common for the living space having to double as a bedroom for parents and family life has not imploded.

Plussizejumpsuit · 25/10/2020 19:55

Could you compromise on area?

ElinoristhenewEnid · 25/10/2020 19:58

I had a sister 10 years younger than me and we shared a room until I left home at age 25. No other choice - boy and 2 girls in a three bedroom house. I do not feel traumatised by the experience!

Summerfreeze · 25/10/2020 20:00

The problem is that they will prefer being at their mum’s. And won’t really feel they have their own space at yours so won’t feel as welcome.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/10/2020 20:00

You may find the older one will want to stay at the home with her own room more as she gets older.

Kettledodger · 25/10/2020 20:01

It is very much a modern day thing for children to have their own room. in the 70s I shared with my sister 4 years older than me, for a short while I had my own room. Then in the 80s shared with sister 10 years younger than me the in large room me 16 and sisters 6 and 3yo. and brothers 18, 5 and 1yo shared too. Some on this largely middle class site have no fucking idea. I did not and neither did any of my siblings go on to lead a deviant life because (intake of breath) we were made to share rooms.

honkytonkheroe · 25/10/2020 20:11

I’ve got 8 year each between 3 children. They have never shared a bedroom but would have been happy to. Even now, I’m sure my 18 year old girl and 9 year old boy would happily share a bedroom if that’s what suited. I think they definitely don’t need a bedroom each. My husband shared a bedroom with 4 brothers (two bunks and a single) and obviously there was an age gap between the eldest and the youngest. They had a 3 bed council house with the only girl in the box room.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 25/10/2020 20:18

Two things I don't think you have considered

1, that oldest DSD decides she doesn't want to share a room with her sister and just stops coming to visit or doesn't stay over. (see the preteen and teenagers boards for just how moody 12 years can be when the hormones hit badly).

2, how do you think it will make the DSDs feel if you buy a bigger house only when you have to accommodate your biological child?

Just because an 11 year old and 6 year old get on now does not mean that they will continue to have a harmonious relationship when they are older. Personally I hated sharing with my sister, I loved her to bit and we were best friends but our taste in decor was very different. We both had to compromise all the time. I finally got my own room at university.

WitchesNStuff · 25/10/2020 20:32

Personally I think at those ages it is not fair. My SIL has a similar gap to her sister and she really resented having to share with a younger sibling when she was going through puberty etc. If the eldest was 8 or 9 then you would be ok for a couple of years.

If there is really no other choice then there is nothing you can do but personally I don't think it is ideal.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 25/10/2020 20:38

I don't want to derail the thread, but it does bother me a bit that you are referring to him as a boyfriend and yet dealing with this issue, considering having a child together etc. Was that just a slip of the tongue or is it that casual?

Please don't all end up in the dire straits so many on MN do. 💐

Kettledodger · 25/10/2020 20:41

I never resented having to share because it just was what was. I knew by 12/13 that money was tight and we had what we could afford. No not ideal but neither was it so bad that it had a lasting effect on me either. If I had kicked off or had been bitter about it I would now approaching my 50s would say that it was bratty behaviour IMO

SchrodingersImmigrant · 25/10/2020 20:52

@Hopeisnotastrategy

I don't want to derail the thread, but it does bother me a bit that you are referring to him as a boyfriend and yet dealing with this issue, considering having a child together etc. Was that just a slip of the tongue or is it that casual?

Please don't all end up in the dire straits so many on MN do. 💐

I don't think that's any issue. I referred to my husband as a boyfriend until he became husband. On occasions he was even "Than one"😂 Most people I know just said boyfriend. I kind of thought it's an MN thing for distinguishing lenght of relationshipBlush
DipSwimSwoosh · 25/10/2020 20:56

I hated sharing a room and I still crave my own space all the time. I think separate rooms is ideal, if you can afford it.

Kettledodger · 25/10/2020 20:59

What should I use been with DP 19 years but not married Grin

mizu · 25/10/2020 21:00

My two DDs share a room. They are almost 16 and 14.5. We live in an outrageously expensive part of the UK and have a 2 bed place. We chose location over house - although not sure we could ever have afforded a 3 bed tbh even if we moved out of this area.

Of course they would love their own rooms but they make it work. Like someone else said on here, it's a fairly new phenomenon and my girls know only two other friends between them who also share with their sisters.

Original poster
BedroomDrama · 25/10/2020 21:02

Oh wow, I didn’t expect this to have so many replies when I came back to it! I’ve been out and I expected it to have tailed out!

To answer a few questions briefly:

  • We have what should have been a decent 10% (maybe even slightly more) deposit for a 3 bedroom house in this area. But now that most places want a 15% deposit that has scuppered our plans somewhat. We could rent for longer and try and save more deposit, but an extra 5% is quite a big difference. We can afford the monthly mortgage payments on a 3 bedroom house, that’s not the issue.
  • We’re not even trying to conceive a baby at the minute, it’s not an imminent plan. I just said that we would like to have a child in the future (which we would) as people kept asking. I am only in my late twenties so hopefully we have time.
  • We will hopefully be able to afford a bigger house in the next couple of years. My boyfriend should hopefully get a promotion and I am due to inherit some money at some point.

@Hopeisnotastrategy I don’t use any of the DP/DSD etc shortenings as I find them a bit twee Blush He is my boyfriend (we’re not married or engaged) but we’ve been together for over 3 years. It’s not a very new relationship!

As I said, I am out now, so I probably won’t be back on here this evening. I’ve had some really helpful advice though (especially for AIBU!) and I do appreciate it Smile

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 25/10/2020 21:05

@Kettledodger

What should I use been with DP 19 years but not married Grin
"that guy I quite like" 😂
Yeahnahmum · 25/10/2020 21:07

6 and 11 IS a biiiig gap!!
11 is going to highschool soon, be interested in boys/girls. Etc etc
And 6 is just plotting around in primary school playing hide and seek.

But...if you cant afford it. You cant afford it. And if it must be done so it shall. They wouldn't be the only ones having to share a room with a big age gap. Work with what youve got. And dont let anyone shame you for it ☺

lioncitygirl · 25/10/2020 21:08

It’s a big age gap. I wouldn’t expect them to share but it you haven’t got the money then not much you can do. Is there a cheaper area close by?

Branleuse · 26/10/2020 10:27

when we talk about sharing being normal years ago, its true, but also fairly normal for all family members to share one room, or to live a whole family in one room in a single end.
It can be done, they wont die from it, and some kids will probably prefer it, but other kids really benefit from their own space to retreat to

Takeittotheboss · 26/10/2020 11:17

My children of different sexes with this 5 year age gap shared a bedroom from 3/8 to 11/16 years and have a really nice relaxed relationship as a result.

OhCaptain · 26/10/2020 11:23

@BedroomDrama I don’t know if you’ll come back to the thread but there are some great ideas online for splitting rooms up using shelving etc.

I think that would be sufficient for the time being.

FourTeaFallOut · 26/10/2020 11:24

I shared with my sister who is 8 years younger than I am until I left home at 21. It just wasn't a problem, it was just the way it was. It is a bit of a MN talent to spin any slight inconvenience into a terrible difficulty.