To think that children don’t need their own room?

[BedroomDrama]

If they are the same sex and don’t have a massive age gap?

My boyfriend and I are in the process of trying to buy a house at the moment. He has 2 daughters who are 6 and 11 who he has 50% of the time. They currently share a bedroom when they’re with us, but have their own room at their mum’s house. With most of the main mortgage lenders upping their requirement to a 15% deposit minimum, a 3 bedroom property in one of the areas that we’d like to live in (and is practical for work, their school and not being too far from their mum) just isn’t feasible at the moment. It might be in a couple of years, but not now.

I really don’t think it’s that much of an issue for siblings to share a room though. I get that it’s nicer not to have to share, but I imagine that having your own room used to be the exception rather than the rule? My dad is one of 4 (2 boys and 2 girls) and they grew up in a 3 bedroom house so had to share until they moved out. My grandma was one of 9 and she certainly never had her own room! I had to share with my younger sister for 2 or 3 years and managed to survive the experience, it just doesn’t seem like that much of an issue.

A couple of people have just assumed that we’ll only be considering 3 bedroom properties though, and have said things like “Ohhh, well, X will need her own bedroom soon” and it’s made me feel a bit guilty that we’re expecting them to share. Even the vendor of one of the properties that we looked at seemed surprised that we were considering it as it only had 2 bedrooms. The girls don’t seem to mind at the moment (younger one loves sharing, the older one would probably ideally like her own room but is happy enough sharing) and I really don’t think any child needs their own room in the circumstances that I’ve described.

I can’t be the only one? Their dad agrees with me (in fact he’s less worried about it than I am) and I’m not sure we’ve really got another option, but it would make me feel better to be told we’re not being unreasonable!

Could you buy a two bed and afford to do a loft conversion within the year?

We moved from a 3 bed private rent to a 2 bed HA bungalow because of my medical issues. Our DD’s are 2.4yrs different in age and we thought it wouldn’t be an issue. But my god, at times how wrong were we?? The rooms aren’t huge so we’re unable to partition it into a room each and they are already in the biggest room. And we haven’t hit the teenage years (although not far off) yet. If I had the choice I would definitely go for 3 beds.

I don't know any same sec siblings who didn't share a room growing up. However 1 bedroom per child seems far more common these days.
My own DC (both boys, 2 year age gap) went into separate bedrooms over lockdown but we had to give up our 2nd reception room for it.

Or perhaps a 2 bed with two reception rooms?

@ivykaty44

Sharing space to sleep is fine. how will the girls sleep? in bunks or twin singles?

In bunk beds, even if the room is big enough for twin beds. They love their bunk beds (the novelty hasn’t worn off yet bless them!) and it gives them extra floor space.

If they only use the space for sleeping then it might be ok. Is there a quiet, dedicated space for your older stepdaughter to use for homework, which she will need now she’s at secondary school (or next year if that’s when she starts). Bedtimes will be different, and will be more different by the time you have a 7 and a 13 year old - how well will that work? What private space will your older stepdaughter have as she gets older? She will, inevitably, want to spend more private time on the phone and line with friends. Is the room big enough to provide space for the younger child to store and play with toys as well as have good sleeping and storage space for both girls’ things? They aren’t occasional visitors with a 50:50 arrangement - this will be just as much their home as theirs mum’s house is, and you need to make sure that they feel it is.

Can you get a 2 bed with a very large room, so that you can at use wardrobes/fabric screens or whatever to separate the room at least partially into two sections, even if you can't actually divide it?

I have two that share but they are boys and less than two years apart

Hmmm it’s a bit of a funny age 6 and 11. The main advantage is I’m sure the 6 year old won’t mind and she will be used to sharing from young.
Ideally it would be nice for them to have their own room. Plus they only stay with you part of the week.

I wouldn’t go beyond your budget... unless you will be having kids OP?

I know lots of kids that share a bedroom. It’s not uncommon.

They have their own bedrooms at their mum’s. I wouldn’t stress about them not having a second one each at yours.

They’ll survive.

With the older sibling soon to be a teenager I would want them to have their own rooms for privacy but as a pp has suggested perhaps look for a two bed house that has potential to extend into the loft in a coupled of years time.

They don’t need it but it is harder to share as they get older and that’s quite a big age gap. You’re going to have a teenager sharing with a child for quite a while. They will have very different bedtimes and sleep habits (maybe not now but in a couple of years), the older one will need to be studying. If either of them have friends over it will be disruptive for the other one.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the teenager becomes more reluctant to spend time at her dads and ends up living mostly at mum’s where she has her own room.

I shared a room with my sister and there’s 10 years between us. No other option. My girls are 4 years apart and chose to share even when they could have had their own. No one ‘needs’ their own room.

I dont think its ideal really but a lot is made of everyone "having their own rooms " and liking a personal space .If you wanted to extend the family in future. would you be able to consider an extension maybe .Lots of kids shared a bedroom in the past its true ,but times change and they would also be amazed at how much pocket money children get ,and how child orientated everyone is today! If they only live with you 50/50 though I dont see it as any big deal .

Of course it isn't a need, however, it is usually preferred.

Your finances, and the prices of places in the area you live will be the deciding factors though.
I mean, I'd like a lovely big driveway with space for about 6 cars to get on and off without having to move everyone around. I'd like a house with two offices. I'd like a seaside view (dh would like a mountain view). I'd like a detached house. I'd like a lovely big modern kitchen diner opening on to a nice patio area.
We could all write our own lists.......

I think would need to be prepared that the older DD might quite quickly prefer to stay at her mum’s more often than 50 per cent of the time.

A couple of people have asked if we’re planning on having children. We would like to have one at some point (only 1 I think, 4 seems like a lot!) so we’d definitely need at least a 3 bed in those circumstances. But hopefully the house we’re looking for now will be more of a stop gap and in a couple of years we’ll be able to buy somewhere bigger.

We’re just in a fairly expensive area unfortunately!

They aren’t occasional visitors with a 50:50 arrangement - this will be just as much their home as theirs mum’s house is, and you need to make sure that they feel it is.

Definitely. I think 50/50 custody arrangements can be a bit tricky for that reason (not that it’s any of my business), as they don’t have a consistent base. They need to feel that both houses are home

No problem at all. They have a room to themselves at mums house, sharing at yours it totally fine! I wouldn’t stress about it at all

It's an awful idea. Shared bedrooms generally are a recipe for abuse, especially given the age gap. People forget that girls can abuse their younger siblings just as much as boys will.

contrmary

Bloody hell! I think that’s a leap.

I think I’d be looking for a house where they can have friends over with some privacy. I wouldn’t want my 9yr old hanging around a group of 14 year olds. So if you can’t afford 3 beds by then I’d be looking for somewhere extendable or convertible or with two reception rooms downstairs so they can each have friends visit.

Moving is so expensive that if you are planning on a baby it would make more sense to buy somewhere bigger in a cheaper area now.

Imo its fine, ive got 3 children and currently they all share a room because we only have 2 bedrooms but we are about to move to a 3 bed where we intend to stay for many years and the girls will have to share.

It's not ideal, especially for the older DD. Be prepared for her or even both of them to want to spend more time at their mum's when older. However there is not much that you can do for a while.

@contrmary

It's an awful idea. Shared bedrooms generally are a recipe for abuse, especially given the age gap. People forget that girls can abuse their younger siblings just as much as boys will.

I know I’ve posted in AIBU, but I don’t think that was helpful or necessary.

I can imagine that there are people on here whose children have to share a room 100% of the time who will have been really upset by that. I’m obviously aware that sibling abuse does happen (I have had extensive safeguarding training) but I think the risks of two girls sharing a room is minimal.