To think that children don’t need their own room?

[BedroomDrama]

If they are the same sex and don’t have a massive age gap?

My boyfriend and I are in the process of trying to buy a house at the moment. He has 2 daughters who are 6 and 11 who he has 50% of the time. They currently share a bedroom when they’re with us, but have their own room at their mum’s house. With most of the main mortgage lenders upping their requirement to a 15% deposit minimum, a 3 bedroom property in one of the areas that we’d like to live in (and is practical for work, their school and not being too far from their mum) just isn’t feasible at the moment. It might be in a couple of years, but not now.

I really don’t think it’s that much of an issue for siblings to share a room though. I get that it’s nicer not to have to share, but I imagine that having your own room used to be the exception rather than the rule? My dad is one of 4 (2 boys and 2 girls) and they grew up in a 3 bedroom house so had to share until they moved out. My grandma was one of 9 and she certainly never had her own room! I had to share with my younger sister for 2 or 3 years and managed to survive the experience, it just doesn’t seem like that much of an issue.

A couple of people have just assumed that we’ll only be considering 3 bedroom properties though, and have said things like “Ohhh, well, X will need her own bedroom soon” and it’s made me feel a bit guilty that we’re expecting them to share. Even the vendor of one of the properties that we looked at seemed surprised that we were considering it as it only had 2 bedrooms. The girls don’t seem to mind at the moment (younger one loves sharing, the older one would probably ideally like her own room but is happy enough sharing) and I really don’t think any child needs their own room in the circumstances that I’ve described.

I can’t be the only one? Their dad agrees with me (in fact he’s less worried about it than I am) and I’m not sure we’ve really got another option, but it would make me feel better to be told we’re not being unreasonable!

I personally don't think children should share rooms, it's disruptive to them when their ages differ and one needs to sleep longer than the other, or one needs to do homework and the other wants to be in their room or have friends over or have any privacy as they grow. But if you have no choice then in not sure there is much to say.

Ideally having a bedroom each is ideal, but you can’t magic money out of thin air. If you can’t afford it then there are plenty of ways you could try and make it work. You need to also consider that when the older child becomes a teen she may not want to disrupt her social life as much and so might not come to yours as often - so then the younger child will have what’s virtually their own room anyway.

I grew up in a 2 bedroom council flat, there’s 6 years between me and my sister. We only got offered a bigger house and our own bedrooms when I was 24 and my sister was 18.

My mum did get a false wall put down the middle of our shared room when I was 17 I think, but it meant there was very little space and it still felt shared because you could hear everything and to get to my room I had to go through a “door” in her side of the room. I had the window which wasn’t the best for ventilation for my sister but needs must.

Right now I’m living in a small one bedroom housing association flat. Me and my partner are frantically saving for our first house (something I never thought I’d ever get to do) due to the fact his 12 year old daughter currently has to sleep on our couch when we have her, she has no privacy as the kitchen is right off the livingroom.

If you can’t afford a 3 bedroom then that’s that. In this climate, with Covid and uncertainty with jobs, I definitely wouldn’t be buying outwith my means just because people are being a bit judgemental. I’m sure the girls will understand that it’s only for a few years and then they can have their own space again.

But hopefully the house we’re looking for now will be more of a stop gap and in a couple of years we’ll be able to buy somewhere bigger.

What's going to change your make a bigger house affordable in a couple of years?

I shared with a sibling most of my life at home.
For some reason I don't think my parents even thought we should have a bigger house.

I didn't mind as I have always got on well with my siblings, but I think times have changed from when I was young.

My own DC are the same sex and a 2 year age gap, but have their own rooms. They shared for a few years while in primary school, but as they got older, even with just a 2 year age gap...sharing would have caused problems. One is tidy...the other...not so much.

I've seen this cause problems with friends children who share, even with a small age gap.

I will only say they do because I was forced to share and it was absolute hell.

I don't know if it works out for some but even if the siblings that do get on, it is sooooo much nicer having your own space not being constantly encroached on.
I would never do this to my dc. I would not have any more babies if it resulted in them sharing a room. Obviously if circumstances changed and this had to happen so be it but I would never choose this.

11yr old DS and 8yr old DD share a room. They have a bunk bed that opens either way (like an S without the curves if you can imagine) so he gets out one side and she gets out the other and the half of the room they get out into is theirs.

My sister and I fought so much brother gave me his room and slept in the living room. Anything for an easy life. My aunt had 7 kids in a 3 bedroom for years. No choice. It's a privilege not a nessecitie

I grew up in a three bedroom house with 2 brothers, 2 sisters, and Mum + Dad. I shared with my sister from the age of 2 (the second sister joined us when I was 13) until 18 when I went to uni. I had my own room for about 6 weeks until I moved in with now DH. I don't think I'd know what to do with myself having my own room.

TBF though, I never had any friends to bring home, and we all did our homework in the dining room.

At my dad's we all slept on a shared footon or the sofa. Our own room or rooms wasn't even considered.

If you can't afford a 3 bed house, then you can't afford a baby.

It completely depends on the children. My twins shared until they were almost 6. They are identical twins but with very different sleep needs - one loves her sleep and the other needs less and likes to chat to her toys before falling asleep. They are so much happier in separate rooms but regularly have weekend sleep overs together in each other’s rooms.

The age gap is V likely to become an issue at secondary though, but if you have to do it then they will survive. It’s not ideal but also not the end of the world.

Needs must, but I think some of the ideas on here about how to get more rooms/space have been excellent- from looking at ex-council properties, looking to go up into the roof, getting a 2 bed 2 reception, looking for a property with one huge room to properly divide...it really is worth pondering on now, as I think it's very silly to move to a 2 bed if you are planning to become a family of 5 people pretty soon unless that is absolutely the only option.

@BedroomDrama I see it as follows:

You’re trying to get a foot on the property ladder. The girls are used to starring when staying with you and their dad. You can afford a 2 bed on the area in the area close to their school, their mum and their friends. It won’t be forever and you hope to upsize in a few years. If you wait and keep saving and the market goes up then even with a bigger deposit, you’ll still be priced out of a bigger property. Life is full of sacrifices. You acknowledge that it’s not what you’d ideally do but it’s probably the right decision in the circumstances. The smaller house in the better area will probably be a better investment

There’s 5 years between my sister & I. We shared for a while. I think she was about 17 so I was 11/12. It wasn’t an issue. We didn’t have a choice so never thought anything of it. Prior to that I shared with my brother (room was divided to give privacy) & he’s a bit younger than me.

I feel the same as you OP. It is not an issue. Two girls 5 years apart sharing a room is not a train smash.

I suspect that if things were more like they used to be, kids would be more likely to move out and start their own adult lives when the time came. I reckon new age parenting has meant that life with mom and dad is so cushy that there is no drive to gain independence... hence 30 year olds still living at home with mom and dad!

I shared with my sister until I was 15, she is 18 months younger than me.

I think @MyGazeboisLeaking has it spot on. A two bed when you are thinking about a baby in the future is crazy.

sharing a room is fine if thats what you can afford, but if you are planning this to be a stopgap for a couple of years then needing to buy bigger anyway, then id strongly consider looking for a 3 bed even if its not quite the right area, as theres nothing causes more conflict during puberty etc than noone being able to retreat to their own space.
Of course it isnt always possible, but it seems silly to do the stress of housebuying and selling for the sake of moving in a couple of years.
Especially at the moment when weve really seen how crap it is to be stuck inside for long periods. Setting yourself up to be cramped if you could possibly not, doesnt seem very forward thinking, and the kids are only going to get bigger

It may be made harder as they share in one house and not the other, from my own experience of 50/50 parenting with ex. In the end my ex built a little 3rd room on the ground floor which is better (16 and 14 now, they like their own space and certainly have very different living habits so it eased the tensions!).

The children will not be scared for life for having to share a room sister had 5 girls sharing they managed fine yes there are arguments but isn't there always it absolutely fine for them to share.

I personally think children do need their own room. But I recognise that comes from a place of relative privilege. I would only have the number of children that meant they could have their own room.

I didnt share as a child so this probably clouds my judgement somewhat.

I also agree that 5 years is actually a massive gap and pretty soon the teenager is going to want more privacy.

I would sort finances out before having another child. I agree with pp if you cant afford 3 bed you cant afford another child.

Too much of a gap for sharing imo, I shared a room until I was 10 and then I had my own, I needed my own privacy away from my younger siblings

We have a four bedroom house and two children, they could have a room each if they wanted but they like sharing. Don’t worry what other people say you know the girls and what makes them happy.

I don't think children having their own room is really necessary, I shared a room with older sister untill I was 17, it was a small room, only enough room for bunk beds. It wasn't great but it wasn't terrible either. I'd say as long as the bedroom is big enough for them to both have their own space then it's fine, especially since they have their own rooms at their mums