To think that children don’t need their own room?

[BedroomDrama]

If they are the same sex and don’t have a massive age gap?

My boyfriend and I are in the process of trying to buy a house at the moment. He has 2 daughters who are 6 and 11 who he has 50% of the time. They currently share a bedroom when they’re with us, but have their own room at their mum’s house. With most of the main mortgage lenders upping their requirement to a 15% deposit minimum, a 3 bedroom property in one of the areas that we’d like to live in (and is practical for work, their school and not being too far from their mum) just isn’t feasible at the moment. It might be in a couple of years, but not now.

I really don’t think it’s that much of an issue for siblings to share a room though. I get that it’s nicer not to have to share, but I imagine that having your own room used to be the exception rather than the rule? My dad is one of 4 (2 boys and 2 girls) and they grew up in a 3 bedroom house so had to share until they moved out. My grandma was one of 9 and she certainly never had her own room! I had to share with my younger sister for 2 or 3 years and managed to survive the experience, it just doesn’t seem like that much of an issue.

A couple of people have just assumed that we’ll only be considering 3 bedroom properties though, and have said things like “Ohhh, well, X will need her own bedroom soon” and it’s made me feel a bit guilty that we’re expecting them to share. Even the vendor of one of the properties that we looked at seemed surprised that we were considering it as it only had 2 bedrooms. The girls don’t seem to mind at the moment (younger one loves sharing, the older one would probably ideally like her own room but is happy enough sharing) and I really don’t think any child needs their own room in the circumstances that I’ve described.

I can’t be the only one? Their dad agrees with me (in fact he’s less worried about it than I am) and I’m not sure we’ve really got another option, but it would make me feel better to be told we’re not being unreasonable!

Mine are 12 and 17 and share, no choice we cannot afford to move. They would like own rooms but understand it cant happen

I slept on a blow up bed in my dads lounge when I visited.
I was there all holidays and weekends.
I’d of been laughed at if I even suggested that I needed my own room ,or even a share of one..
They have a bedroom each at their mums house.
I managed to survive....somehow 😀

@freezedriedromance

I think a pp made a good point.. you say in a few years you'd move to a 3 bed, but also say you'd like a baby. So would you be moving into a 4 bed so they all have a room each or is it more likely that sharing a room isn't temporary and they'll end up sharing while the new baby gets their own room after 6 months.

Nothing wrong with that as such, but don't pretend that isn't the case. You're asking if its ok to for them to share, and it is, but if you have any plans to have a baby and not then move into a four bed house I'd be making it clear to the kids that its a permanent situation. Don't get their hopes up for their own room. The eldest might not need their own, but at some point they'll want it. And if they have their own space at their mums I wouldn't be surprised if as they got older they stopped over less and less.

You make a very good point!

As far as I’m concerned, if we had another child then our ‘long term’ house would either need to have 4 bedrooms or 3 bedrooms and two reception rooms so we could turn one of them in to a bedroom. I understand that it’s not practical to have a 17/18 year old (Or a 20 year old home from uni!) sharing with their younger sibling.

Us having a child that’s old enough to need it’s own room is a long way off though.

It’s not ideal but if you can’t afford a bigger house there isn’t much alternative unless you have a second reception room to use as another bedroom. I shared with my sister until we both left home and loved it, but there was a much smaller age gap, only 15 months. My 1 and 4 year old DDs are currently sharing as whilst we live in a 3 bed we like having a spare room for guests. They have a playroom downstairs so they only use the room for sleeping, and they both sleep through.

I bought a 2 bed bungalow, as I fell for the massive garden (jungle) out the back and the seaview. This place has 'officially' two bedrooms, one lounge and one dining room that was put on 30 years ago as an extension. So I redecorated the dining room as a man cave for my son, and gave the master bedroom to my daughter. We have a large lounge, but no one ever dwells in there. If you buy an older style property, there maybe creative ways to reconfigure the space to your family needs. A friend of mine has a 2 bed house which worked fine when her girls were young. However, as they have grown...with one being a teenager and the other still in primary school, she resolved the sharing of bedroom issue by buying an IKEA screen that runs right across the bedroom so they both have some privacy and individual space.

20 months between me and my sister we chose to share a room and the extra room was our toy room. But by 12/ 13 I chose to go in the spare room as she did my absolute head in and I hated her (love her now). I have nephews aged 12 and 6 and I'd feel bad on the 12 year old if they were made to share. It's a huge age difference at that age.

If it’s affordable I would rent rather than buy as circumstances can change quickly. You can always buy later when circumstances permit.

I think this whole siblings not sharings must either be a more modern thing or a British thing.

Me, my brother and my sister all shared a bedroom when we were younger because there were only 2 bedrooms in the house.

Then later on me and my sister (age gap of 6 years) shared whilst my brother was in the living room. We moved around and even all 3 had to sleep in a caravan on the driveway together for a while whilst our parents did a full refurb of a house they bought.

It wasn't really until my sister left home that I had my own room and when she moved back for a while we shared again.

Not everyone can magic up the money for a big house and sharing did no harm on any of us.

It depends very much on the kids, my girls shared for a few years but there's 6 years between them and I can't imagine them sharing now (they are 9 and 15). That said - you should absolutely not attempt to stretch yourself financially to buy a bigger house than you can afford. Others have suggested buying something with more living space, or room to extend, and both of these things could work. Ultimately, sharing a room won't do either of them any harm.

As a teacher, I can tell you that a huge number of children share rooms at all ages. A shared, nicely done out room that is specifically for them both is absolutely fine

I shared with my 6-years-younger sister when I was a teenager till my older sister went to uni. I was one of 5 (at that point) so it was necessary. I didn't mind. I didn't have my own room till I was 15, and even then I had to share when my big sister came home for holidays etc.

I shared with my sister until I left home at 20. My sons 12 and 9 now share and as we are council it’s not going to change anytime soon.

I shared a (very large) room with my younger sister from the ages of 12-16 when we got our family home extended to create two additional bedrooms. She is 4.5 yrs younger than me and I HATED it. However, I did have severe mental health problems and overbearing parents who refused to even ask my sister to leave me and my friend(s) alone on the very rare occasions I would bother to invite anyone round, so perhaps I wouldn't have hated it if I had been mentally well and my parents had made any effort to allow me some space from my sister when I had a friend round. Their only concession was if I had sleepovers I have one of the reception rooms to sleep in with my friends and my sister had to stay in our room overnight. The relief I felt when I finally got the room to myself was immense. In the end I left for uni at 18 anyway.

On the other hand, my DH shared a (fairly small) bedroom with BIL until DH left home when he was 19. BIL is 3.5 yrs older than him and they were always very close as children and teenagers and it didn't bother either of them. His brother didn't move out for a few more years and really missed DB after he had moved out.

I think it also becomes far less of an issue in your case where the girls will only be sharing half the time as well.

I think this whole siblings not sharings must either be a more modern thing or a British thing

Or a mumsnet thing. I know countless families in real life with siblings who share, my DC have a room each but many of their classmates share a room, it’s completely the norm here.

As someone who shares until my sister moved out, it's fine.
What they need is space to do their own thing, to study, to pursue their own interests but you can't only do they with a room if your own

Thinking about it the first time I had my own room was at 34 when my ex left.

My dc have a 3 year gap and are 10 and 7. I'm seriously considering a sofa bed in the living room so I can give them their own space as they really need it and aren't getting on well. I think if they had somewhere if their own to go it would probably help their relationship too. I rent and could never afford a 3 bed in this area but if I was buying I'd definitely be looking at a 3

What they need is space to do their own thing, to study, to pursue their own interests but you can't only do they with a room if your own

Yes this. Whilst mine shared sleeping space they had spaces to be alone - downstairs or summerhouse etc.

My nieces shared, 6 years apart, they were 19 & 13 before they got their own rooms.

I have 3 girls, 2 of them will always share, our rule is they will get turns to move into the smaller room for a time. If they don’t like it, they all go in one room, it’s big enough. Although we are probably moving shortly because of DHs new job. If we do we won’t be looking for anything more than a 3 bed, unless we are lucky enough to find something we can afford. I also doubt we will be so lucky to have such big rooms when we move, we will just manage, so will the kids.

As you said, having your own room was not a luxury a lot of people had. I had to share with my 2 brothers for 2 years when I was 13 they were 16& 9. My mum was one of 9 & grew up in a 1 bedroom flat, my dad was one of 10 growing up first in a 2 bedroom house before moving to a bigger 3 bed when he was 13, he never had his own bed let alone bedroom.

Your finances dictate what you will be able to buy, but it does still sound to me as though you are having to buy a place which is too small.

So the children will have to share if they want to continue to stay with you for 50%of the time. It is possible though that as the eldest starts to progress through her teenage years she may elect more and more to stay with her mum because she will have her own space there. You and your partner will need to accept that if it happens.

I shared with my younger sister for a few years when we were very young even though my parents did have a three bedroom bungalow and we could have had our own rooms right from the start.

I hankered after my own room then and eventually my sister herself gave me exactly the tools I needed to lever her out and into what was until then the spare bedroom. She began playing loudly on a toy grand piano and a drum at 3am and woke us all up. I think I was only about 8 or 9 and she was about 5 or 6. I pressed home my advantage there with my parents and shortly after that was allowed to choose which room would be mine. I chose the room we had shared as it was bigger and my sister was given the other one.

If you can only afford two bedrooms then that is your reality, but you will probably be on top of each other. If there is any possibility of stretching to a third bedroom or fashioning something somehow then I would try to do that. We have had to live places that are too small occasionally before and it isn't fun at all.

Look for an ex council house, you will get more house for your money & they often have bigger rooms.

Children don't need their own bedroom, they may want one but they can't always have what they want. They already have their own space 50% of the time. My sons shared until they were 15 and 11, they survived.

If you can easily afford it of course but is not sharing is better than struggling financially. However, think if you will have more kids because stamp duty is a horror if you need to move again.

Of course they can share a room. There will be arguments from time to time, but in most cases, it's perfectly fine.

I'm one of three sisters. Only three bedrooms, so two of us had to share. We swapped around a few times, through the years, but for most (if not all) of my teens, I shared with my youngest sister. There's a ten-year gap between us, and we were fine.

Op given the cost of moving, stamp duty, legal fees I think I'd hang fire and save a bit longer.

You mentioned your cousin buying with 5% deposit but banks are now wanting 15%. That tells me that the banks are expecting a drop in house prices, they are looking to ensure their money is safe.

Re girls sharing, yes they could be I really think sharing in the teen years can be horrible. My sis and I bickered so much over our room it almost did permanent damage to our relationship.

I'd also take into account you wanting another child, in the early years it might be better for the younger children to share giving the older girl her own space. With the logic by the time middle child hits teens the older child is less likely to still be living between two houses.