To think that children don’t need their own room?

[BedroomDrama]

If they are the same sex and don’t have a massive age gap?

My boyfriend and I are in the process of trying to buy a house at the moment. He has 2 daughters who are 6 and 11 who he has 50% of the time. They currently share a bedroom when they’re with us, but have their own room at their mum’s house. With most of the main mortgage lenders upping their requirement to a 15% deposit minimum, a 3 bedroom property in one of the areas that we’d like to live in (and is practical for work, their school and not being too far from their mum) just isn’t feasible at the moment. It might be in a couple of years, but not now.

I really don’t think it’s that much of an issue for siblings to share a room though. I get that it’s nicer not to have to share, but I imagine that having your own room used to be the exception rather than the rule? My dad is one of 4 (2 boys and 2 girls) and they grew up in a 3 bedroom house so had to share until they moved out. My grandma was one of 9 and she certainly never had her own room! I had to share with my younger sister for 2 or 3 years and managed to survive the experience, it just doesn’t seem like that much of an issue.

A couple of people have just assumed that we’ll only be considering 3 bedroom properties though, and have said things like “Ohhh, well, X will need her own bedroom soon” and it’s made me feel a bit guilty that we’re expecting them to share. Even the vendor of one of the properties that we looked at seemed surprised that we were considering it as it only had 2 bedrooms. The girls don’t seem to mind at the moment (younger one loves sharing, the older one would probably ideally like her own room but is happy enough sharing) and I really don’t think any child needs their own room in the circumstances that I’ve described.

I can’t be the only one? Their dad agrees with me (in fact he’s less worried about it than I am) and I’m not sure we’ve really got another option, but it would make me feel better to be told we’re not being unreasonable!

If you can't afford a three bedder then that's that isn't it.

I would:

• give the girls the bigger of the two rooms.

• Properly and graciously accept the fact that it's likely that the older girl will gradually spend less time at yours once she hits 12/13. (your DP particularly needs to see this).

The above happened to SIL. She and new partner had 4 between them and not enough room when they were all together. Upshot? SILs eldest step daughter hit teens and just stopped going there. SIL was uppety about it and took it personally.

The gap is too big imo.

I have 16 months between my two which is in the nice gap territory imo. Anything up to 3 years is fine. If there was 5 years between mine, absolutely not. Obviously if you really can't afford it then you can't do anything else, but I'd probably choose a less convenient area so the eldest can get the space and privacy that she needs.

I dont think this age gap counts as close at all. There's a big difference between being 6 and 11!

Also just from my personal experience the older one might stop coming so often to her dads in a couple of years if she hasn't got her own space. A similar thing happened to me and it put me off going as it didn't feel like "home" if that makes sense.

But on the other hand if you can't afford it, you can't. Plenty of people have shared and been fine as you said.

8 years between my and my sister and we shared till she went to Uni. No issues at all with sharing. Go with what you can afford.

@Dominicgoings

Don’t worry. My kids still sleep on airbeds on the living room floor at their dads The precious ‘resident’ second children couldn’t possibly be expected to share either of their rooms with a mere step child 😉😉

That is awful!

I don’t think it’s the end of the world for them to have to share (especially if it’s only temporarily) but I would never expect them not to have a bedroom, even if they were only with us every other weekend.

"or we’d be sleeping in the living room!"

Well I've known people who did this but the shape of the room made it pretty easy!

I think it would be a good idea to try to buy a three bed if you can (or a 2 bed with potential to extend);, even if the third bedroom is very small, as they often are, the younger daughter would probably still like it. Many of us had little bedrooms growing up unless we were very fortunate and some shared a bedroom with more than one sibling until they left home.

However it all depends on finances. The most important thing is to have a loving, homely environment. They have their own rooms 50% of the time.

Just do what you can. I remember my cousin and her husband divided the decent sized second bedroom into two which worked quite well.

@Dominicgoings

Don’t worry. My kids still sleep on airbeds on the living room floor at their dads The precious ‘resident’ second children couldn’t possibly be expected to share either of their rooms with a mere step child 😉😉

My children don't even get that. They aren't allowed to sleep over because "we don't have room" :(

OP when stayed with my dad I had a put up bed in his room because he lived with his sibling and there wasn't a spare room. I still went as a teen. Even when I was on my period. Even knowing I would be sleeping in my dads bedroom with my dad. Why? Because I loved spending time with him and he made me feel welcome even though i didn't have my own bedroom.

The thing is if yours was the only home OP then they'd have to share and they'd make the best of it until the eldest left.

When there's two homes and one's a bit squashed - well - which one would you stay in most if you had the choice? That is what will happen.

If you can't afford 3 beds, then its not really a question. I'm not sure why you're worried?

We were 4 and moved alot, I always had my own room as I was the only girl, but my younger brothers shared in several different homes. They're 2.5 years apart and still as close as ever 30 years later. I still remember them building a lego wall half way across their room when 8 or 9. They learnt to share, respect each other's space, moods, needs etc at a very young age etc. There is a lot to be said for that...

There are pro's and con's to both single rooms and sharing.. neither is 'life changing' with the right attitude IMO.

'Need' is subjective isn't it. There's a lot we don't 'need' but chose to have.

Kids grow up a lot in the first year in secondary and I think expecting them to share with that age gap isn't brilliant.

Personally I'd go for the 3bedroom a bit further out or make another compromise on the house, so that 3bedrooms becomes an option.

Not only because if the girls tbh. With the way the economy is going I would feel better buying a 3 bedroom now anyway.

You may also find that if they have their own rooms at their mums, but have to share at their Dads that they don't want to come as often for 50/50.

Reading with interest.
Our DC (3y gap) have always shared, but DP feels kids need their own room from 10ish, so we're in a quandary as to how to proceed. None of DC's school friends share, and they're really aware of being the only 2 siblings in their friendship group who share.

@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander I’m really sorry that your children are made to feel so unwelcome, that’s awful

It’s lovely that you had such a good relationship with your dad though, he sounds brilliant. Thank you for the encouragement

OP - it's a TERRIBLE idea to buy a 2-bed house if you already will have 2 sharing and are hoping to have a baby in the near-ish future.

Buying & selling houses are full of dead cost - legal fees, stamp duty, moving costs... it doesn't make any sense at all to buy a too-small house and plan to sell in 'a couple of years'.

I think a pp made a good point.. you say in a few years you'd move to a 3 bed, but also say you'd like a baby. So would you be moving into a 4 bed so they all have a room each or is it more likely that sharing a room isn't temporary and they'll end up sharing while the new baby gets their own room after 6 months.

Nothing wrong with that as such, but don't pretend that isn't the case. You're asking if its ok to for them to share, and it is, but if you have any plans to have a baby and not then move into a four bed house I'd be making it clear to the kids that its a permanent situation. Don't get their hopes up for their own room. The eldest might not need their own, but at some point they'll want it. And if they have their own space at their mums I wouldn't be surprised if as they got older they stopped over less and less.

I shared a room with my 8 years younger sister from when we were 15 and 7 until I married dh aged 22. I would have liked my own room but it was fine.

I love it when people respond, “You should definitely buy the 3-bed, OP.” Yes, of course. Let’s just look for the extra £40,000 down the side of e sofa...

@contrmary

It's an awful idea. Shared bedrooms generally are a recipe for abuse, especially given the age gap. People forget that girls can abuse their younger siblings just as much as boys will.

WTF?

My kids shared until they were nearly 8 but they are much happier in separate rooms. What did you have as a child OP?

Maybe go for a 2 bed that would have the possibility of an attic conversion or extension in the future. With attic conversions, look for a street where other houses have done it! Its often cheaper doing this than upgrading to a larger property in the same area (alternative option to moving again in a couple of years).

What's the layout of the house like? If there's a separate dining room and/or living room, could you make that an extra sleeping space?

Even if you slept in the living room permanently, the girls would only be there 50% of the time, so you'd have your run of the house 50% of the week.

It really doesn’t matter all the examples of sharing if the children only have one home. My NDN’s DD/DSD refuses to stay as she as a teenager has the choice of two homes and she chooses the one with her own bedroom.

In a small house it would be a bit daft to allocate one of the (maximum) two living space rooms to sleeping so that two children who aren’t there 50% of the time can sleep apart.