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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that children don’t need their own room?

265 replies

BedroomDrama · 25/10/2020 15:24

If they are the same sex and don’t have a massive age gap?

My boyfriend and I are in the process of trying to buy a house at the moment. He has 2 daughters who are 6 and 11 who he has 50% of the time. They currently share a bedroom when they’re with us, but have their own room at their mum’s house. With most of the main mortgage lenders upping their requirement to a 15% deposit minimum, a 3 bedroom property in one of the areas that we’d like to live in (and is practical for work, their school and not being too far from their mum) just isn’t feasible at the moment. It might be in a couple of years, but not now.

I really don’t think it’s that much of an issue for siblings to share a room though. I get that it’s nicer not to have to share, but I imagine that having your own room used to be the exception rather than the rule? My dad is one of 4 (2 boys and 2 girls) and they grew up in a 3 bedroom house so had to share until they moved out. My grandma was one of 9 and she certainly never had her own room! I had to share with my younger sister for 2 or 3 years and managed to survive the experience, it just doesn’t seem like that much of an issue.

A couple of people have just assumed that we’ll only be considering 3 bedroom properties though, and have said things like “Ohhh, well, X will need her own bedroom soon” and it’s made me feel a bit guilty that we’re expecting them to share. Even the vendor of one of the properties that we looked at seemed surprised that we were considering it as it only had 2 bedrooms. The girls don’t seem to mind at the moment (younger one loves sharing, the older one would probably ideally like her own room but is happy enough sharing) and I really don’t think any child needs their own room in the circumstances that I’ve described.

I can’t be the only one? Their dad agrees with me (in fact he’s less worried about it than I am) and I’m not sure we’ve really got another option, but it would make me feel better to be told we’re not being unreasonable!

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 25/10/2020 15:58

If you are planning on having children then I wouldn’t buy a 2 bed now as moving is very expensive .

SonjaMorgan · 25/10/2020 15:58

My best friend was 1 of 5 children in a 3 bed house. Her brother had the box room and all 4 girls had the largest room with 2 sets of bunk beds. It was utter chaos and cramped but I used to love sleeping over on sofa cushions on the floor as it was such a happy home. I'm am not really sure where the expectation of kids having their own rooms has come from as I am sure it wasn't a necessity when I was a child.

BiBabbles · 25/10/2020 15:59

YANBU, but it is seen as unusual in many areas these days. However, I wouldn't buy a house I wasn't happy to live in for several years or more.

My 16-year-old and 8-year-old share a room, have been for 7 years (before that, I had three kids who were in one room as they preferred to be together and have the other as a play room). Not had any complaints yet about sharing from them, have had ones about sibling related messes that could easily be from the pair they don't share a room with.

What happens if the older one needs peace & quiet to study, has friends round or just wants to retreat to her own space, and the younger one is in bed?

I prefer to give up the front room for a time - it's where we keep all the study equipment and electronics anyways so if he wants to study or play video games, he'd have to use that anyways. It's also where any sleepovers or anything involving guests mostly happens.

00100001 · 25/10/2020 16:01

... i'd be willing to bet that if you were pregnant right now, or had your own child with this man, you'd magically be able to find and afford a 3 bed house.

clareykb · 25/10/2020 16:02

I think it's not ideal but fine ana also depends on the property. Out old house was a big 2 bedsl and our kids agree (granted twins no not an age gap issue) buy we did have a hobby Room in the loft that we could have made a bedroom or den later. We also had a big living room with sofa bed so had other options. I think sharing in a nice house in a suitable area fine but then I shared with my brother until we were about 6 and 8

FredtheFerret · 25/10/2020 16:02

You buy what you can afford, frankly.

If it makes you feel better my DDs - who each had their own room - spent much of their time sharing! They were much happier crammed into one small double, watching a film together and falling asleep in it. It was insane in my eyes! (This was through teen years and there is 4 years between them) 17 and 13, happily got on.

diddl · 25/10/2020 16:03

Well if you can't afford 3beds hen you can't!

My daughter started periods at 10 & I know liked to be able to retreat to her own room.

My dad was one of 7 brought up in a three bed house-ideas have changed though!

Terrace58 · 25/10/2020 16:03

Need, no.

But sharing is going to be stressful. Life is full of stress and sometimes can’t be avoided, but that age gap is likely to cause tension.

MessAllOver · 25/10/2020 16:03

Just like your situation as a child, it isn't ideal but they'll manage. Though they'll probably want to spend less time with you and more time at their mum's as they get older.

diddl · 25/10/2020 16:05

I agree that 5 yrs isn't a small gap.

One just into primary school, one about to go to 2ndry!

Oh well, at least it's not one of each-what would you be doing then?!

PJFlasks · 25/10/2020 16:07

YANBU at all.

Original poster
BedroomDrama · 25/10/2020 16:08

@00100001

... i'd be willing to bet that if you were pregnant right now, or had your own child with this man, you'd magically be able to find and afford a 3 bed house.
I had a feeling that at some point someone would make a subtle (or not so subtle in this case!) dig about me not caring about them sharing because they’re my boyfriend’s daughters, not mine.

If I were pregnant then we’d stick with a 2 bed, because we can afford it and the baby would be in with us for at least 6 months anyway. If we had a baby or toddler then yes, we’d need a 3 bedroom house as I have already said that I wouldn’t expect older children to have to share with a child that young. But we don’t, so it’s a bit of a moot point.

OP posts:
Original poster
BedroomDrama · 25/10/2020 16:10

Oh well, at least it's not one of each-what would you be doing then?!

I guess either renting a 3 bedroom house, looking at 3 bedroom houses further away (which would be very impractical) or we’d be sleeping in the living room!

OP posts:
MadameBlobby · 25/10/2020 16:10

I think things might have moved on a bit in terms of expectations since your dad and granny were kids.

My 2 shared when they were young but I think they need their own space when they get older if at all possible. If it’s not possible it’s not possible but equally it’s not ideal

AldiAisleofCrap · 25/10/2020 16:11

It’s fine at 6 and 11 , once the eldest is a teen it’s preferable for them to have their own rooms.

Tinghtwek · 25/10/2020 16:13

I certainly never had my own one. I shared with my three sisters (and my nephew, born when I was 14) until I left home. We did put up curtain dividers when we were teenagers, though

Yeah a lot of people struggle to differentiate between want and need.

I grew up in a 3-bed house with 3 siblings. Of course as a teenager I WANTED my own room, but I didn't have one and I was just fine in the end. As were all my siblings. Everyone having their own room is a privilege, not a requirement.

00100001 · 25/10/2020 16:14

so, naturally you'll be looking at 4 bed house, when you have a 1 year old?

Devilesko · 25/10/2020 16:16

I think they'll need their own rooms going forward.
If schools close they'll need a desk each and study space.
The 11 year old will be secondary too, huge difference in ages.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 25/10/2020 16:16

Don't see this as an issue at all......... especially as it's only for half the week.

I'm one of four, growing up my brother had the box room. I shared with both my sisters and my mum had the biggest room to herself. As it should be tbh. The way kids seem to be put on a pedestal these days (( especially step kids )) is weird. And isn't building resilient adults.

Dominicgoings · 25/10/2020 16:18

Not an issue for them to share but bunkbeds tend to be a pain in the arse for kids over about 12 IME. Mine were keeping each other awake by that stage as one was a restless sleeper and there were frequent differences of opinion as yo who got the top/bottom.

I’d have space for twin beds and a desk/play area each as the minimum criteria for a second bedroom.

TableFlowerss · 25/10/2020 16:18

Definitely better all round if a child can have its own room.

As you’re not in a position at the moment however, they could share until you build up equity them hopefully you can upsize. At least it’s only 50% of the time. Not the end of the world to share but not ideal

ancientgran · 25/10/2020 16:20

I shared with my sister until I got married but I don't think that was unusual in the 50s and 60s. Thinking about it the only friend I knew who had her own bedroom was a girl with 2 brothers and her bedroom was barely big enough for a single bed.

Dominicgoings · 25/10/2020 16:21

Don’t worry. My kids still sleep on airbeds on the living room floor at their dads Wink The precious ‘resident’ second children couldn’t possibly be expected to share either of their rooms with a mere step child 😉😉

User47366 · 25/10/2020 16:21

I feel once children are in secondary school they do need their own space.

BlueThistles · 25/10/2020 16:21

OP you don't have the money... THE END Flowers