Being told what I can or can’t buy our niece

[Litsy]

My brother and his girlfriend split up about a year ago, they have a DD who’s 4.

This has gone on for some time before they split, but his girlfriend tells people they can’t do things with DD as she wants to do them first.

I completely get that if she was planning to do these things with her, but then she waits and waits and waits.... and they don’t seem to happen.

For context, DD spends 2 days a week with her mum, 2 days with my mum and dad, a day with her dad and the other 2 days with grandparents (seperately)

Examples to name a few:

My mum and dad wanting to take her swimming. Told no. She ended up going almost 6 months later, once.

Flipped out my mum and dad went pumpkin picking and to the circus with her, but has never shown an interest in either of these things.

Wanted to take her on holiday, we were told no. She’s still not gone on holiday.

I wanted to buy her a dolls house for Christmas, no as her mum wants to buy her first (but hasn’t bought her one yet and won’t be buying her one for Christmas)

I would 100% get it if she was planning to do these things with her, but it feels like DD is suffering going without because her mums a bit controlling.

I’ve already bought her a dolls house for Christmas and I was intending for it to stay at my mum and dads (she has 2 of everything as her mums family lives half an hour away). She’s got wind of it through my brother and basically said take it back.

AIBU thinking I don’t want my niece to go without?

filthy why is mum feckless? Sounds like she actually has her daughter 4 nights, so she is the prinary care giver, but she also works so her parents (who she lives with) help out with childcare.

Ok, now you have clarified, that is absolutely ridiculous and the poor child needs a proper home.

So she’s happy to accept all the free childcare but not happy to accept nice things and experiences for the child. She sounds a bitch. YANBU.

Maybe she cant afford these things though? Which would explain why they dont happen presumably .The whole thing seems a bit toxic though.Did She want the split ?She sounds jealous of other people having fun with DD ,but doesnt seem to mind your DP looking after her daughter every W/E .Which is a lot surely for an older couple still working FFS! Could your DP maybe ask her to come away with them /DD for a W/E maybe ? Poor little one is missing out on a lot of fun by the sounds of it! Why cant she go swimming though ? That is ridicolous IMO .

Sorry just to elaborate on dn living situation -

She’s with her mum 2 days a week, mum lives with her mum (dns nan).

Dn also spends 2 days a week with her grandad (who is separated from the nan) and step nan

She then spends 2 days a week with my mum and dad.

And 1 day with her dad.

———--

Just to elaborate on that more, some weeks she sees her mum 1 day a week. Some days it will be 2 days (depending on if the mum is working etc) as the nan will have her for the evening. But the nan and mum do live in the same house, so it’s either 1 or 2 days per week.

Are those her actual weekly care arrangements?
Jesus wept, the poor child won't know if she's coming or going.

So we now have a forth different version of the story.

Yes feckless. She has a child whom she only sees two days a week. OP has said she goes out at the weekend so presumably could have the child then but priorities her social life.

Yes, the dad is equally feckless. Happy for his parents to raise his child, appears to take no responsibility and possibly an alcoholic to boot.

What a complete shitshow for this poor child.

Sorry, I did what I usually don't do and didn't read all your posts. I stand by what I said above, but actually that whole situation sounds so unsettling :( poor kid. It could be just about ok if everyone/most are very tuned in to her actual emotional needs, but it doesn't sound like that. Give her lots of hugs and simple play. Dolls house would be lovely play with her X

I'll give her parents a first:

that they step up and look after THEIR child themselves

I think the reason they’ve got like this is they live 30-40mins apart and my brother doesn’t drive. My brother generally works weekends so he takes DN where he can over the remaining days she’s not in nursery.

It’s a mess to be honest

So the week would look like this:
Monday - Friday in nursery near where DNs mum lives, split between 2 houses

Friday night - Saturday morning or Sunday afternoon - Monday morning with my brother

Friday or Saturday afternoon - Sunday or Monday morning with my mum and dad then my dad will drive her back to nursery

I was going to say YABU as holidays and firsts are a lovely boon of being a parent and compensate somewhat for all the rubbishy bits, so I think parents are entitled to bagsy them if the wish to. However, it doesn't sound like the Mum is actually doing the rubbishy bits and more than your parents are, so YANBU. They should share the nicer bits of parenting too.

@SimonJT

So we now have a forth different version of the story.

I said in the very first post the grandparents are separated?

*if they wish to
*any more than

@eatsleepread

I'll give her parents a first:

that they step up and look after THEIR child themselves

I agree she’s so sweet aswell, she’s no bother to anyone

Actually the mum has her two days which being honest isn't that unusual for working parents.

I think you are trying to make out the mum is a bad mum. It's understandable that she wants to share her DDs firsts, esp things like going swimming. Most mums want those experiences. Read the many IL threads and you'll understand.

The big issue is your brother only having her on one of his 3 days. Yip I get he works in a bar and I get we are in strange times. He should be looking for a Monday - Friday job or a job that's predominantly Mon-Fri so he is free at the weekend to care for his own DD.

MeloSprite "Hoping this is all made up,for the sake of the little girl" Honestly do you really think someone would make this shit up FFS! Not all children live in a fairy tale world where everything works out swimmingly you know!

Poor little girl.
4 households, 4 different beds and no doubt 4 sets of rules.

When she is in full time school the arrangements will have to change surely?

Your DB is an absent and frankly shit parent.

He needs to grow up and be a parent.
He can’t go out partying after his shifts, he’s a parent with a kid he needs to get up too.

I’m an adult and don’t think I would cope with those ever shifting arrangements.

Actually the mum has her two days which being honest isn't that unusual for working parents.

Sorry but I know people from all over the Uk from all different walks of life but I know of nobody who's dc only spend 2 days with the supposed resident parent and spend most of their tine between other homes. It certainly seems unusual. I know plenty dc that only see the nrp that often but tbh thats shit too and requires lots of sacrifice from the other parent - but most do it!

Where does nursery fit into all this? Are the maternal gps actually doing wrap around care while her mum works, which is not that unusual, rather than full time?

*When she is in full time school the arrangements will have to change surely?
*
I assume the other grandparents/mum will pick up the extra morning school run and next lot if grandparents will collect after school on the Friday and the weekends will continue as normal. Sadly not much will have to change

And I would question what and how messages are related via your brother. He does not appear to be the most reliable of individuals and may put his own spin on things.

@LIZS the maternal gm does that on the mums 2 days and the separated gp and step gm do it the rest of the week til the 3rd set of gp's get her on a Friday

she’s so sweet aswell, she’s no bother to anyone

A child who is no bother may be hiding someth8ng

So is she happy and carefree
Or quiet and nobother and withdrawn ?