Being told what I can or can’t buy our niece

[Litsy]

My brother and his girlfriend split up about a year ago, they have a DD who’s 4.

This has gone on for some time before they split, but his girlfriend tells people they can’t do things with DD as she wants to do them first.

I completely get that if she was planning to do these things with her, but then she waits and waits and waits.... and they don’t seem to happen.

For context, DD spends 2 days a week with her mum, 2 days with my mum and dad, a day with her dad and the other 2 days with grandparents (seperately)

Examples to name a few:

My mum and dad wanting to take her swimming. Told no. She ended up going almost 6 months later, once.

Flipped out my mum and dad went pumpkin picking and to the circus with her, but has never shown an interest in either of these things.

Wanted to take her on holiday, we were told no. She’s still not gone on holiday.

I wanted to buy her a dolls house for Christmas, no as her mum wants to buy her first (but hasn’t bought her one yet and won’t be buying her one for Christmas)

I would 100% get it if she was planning to do these things with her, but it feels like DD is suffering going without because her mums a bit controlling.

I’ve already bought her a dolls house for Christmas and I was intending for it to stay at my mum and dads (she has 2 of everything as her mums family lives half an hour away). She’s got wind of it through my brother and basically said take it back.

AIBU thinking I don’t want my niece to go without?

Keep the house.

Tbh I think both parents should be ashamed at how little they have their own daughter.

Jeeeze, what a terrible way for a child to live. She has no security or real home at all.

The people who care for her have every right to have whatever toys they like for her to play with in their home. Okay, she doesn't have to be given the dolls house as a Christmas present, but your parents can have one in their home that she can play with and it's no business at all of her mother's.

I'm gathering quite a stash of toys for when my granddaughter visits, and they will be available to any future grandchildren too. They're mine, and it would be insane for either of my daughters to say I couldn't own then.

In your parents’ position, I’d be approaching the courts for official residency. This poor little girl.

I don't think your SIL has any right to say what toys she can have at your parents house. Keep the dolls house!

Just choose (appropriate) gifts and give them without discussing or asking for permission first.
The both parents seem more than happy to let everyone shoulder their responsibilities for care, so in my opinion, stamping feet over how people chose to then entertain the poor kid is selfish and controlling.
I agree that this arrangement will lead to an insecure child and is just not sustainable.

Poor child- she has no stability in her life.
There are bigger problems here than gifts.

She only spends 3 nights a week with her parents- and even that is split between 2 houses?
If this child's mother won't step up to the mark then your brother needs to.
Many single parents work full time and have children.
Your brother needs to have this child stay with him, and she can continue to stay with her mother 2 nights a week.

THis child is being failed by both her parents- your brother included.

She not suffering going without these things that you would choose for your own child. I wouldn't want someone else taking my pre school aged child on holiday either.

I feel really sorry for the child having to be everyone's project though.

Yes, either the grandparents ( or you, op?) need to step in and parent full time.

What’s the plan when she starts school?

Are you saying your DB is an alcoholic?

Sadly the Mum doesn't get to decide what happens when the child is with her Dad or his side of the family. Given the child care arrangements she has the Mum is cutting off her nose to spite her face.

Clearly this cannot continue when your niece starts school next year. I would still gift her the doll's house. It will be at the Grandparent's house.

There have been lots of Christmases where I know the best present for my child is coming from the Grandparent. Why would I spoil that? They love my child/children and so what if they get what they want from someone else? It still comes home to my house and my child/children play with it. My parents and ILs have been brilliant about presents.

So, given the updates; neither of your nieces actual parents have the slightest interest in bringing her up. It's time for them all to have a proper grown up conversation. Are your parents happy to adopt her? This current pretence that your dn are her main caters is utterly unfair on your dn.

I can't be doing with all this "I/My mum wanted to buy her her first doll/ballet shoes/surface-to-air missile launcher" bollocks, anyway. So twee. So I think she's being stupid, particularly as she's not buying her those things, or taking her on those days out, anyway. It's a shame she can't accept your family's generosity.
I'm glad you've acknowledged not going to a pumpkin patch 🙄 isn't 'going without' per the 'relative poverty' index.

To be honest, both parents sound awful. The grandparents are bringing her up essentially. It’s awful she is shuffled around like this. Poor poor child.

I kind of get the mum ...maybe she wants to do the firsts in all good faith..maybe she thinks she should be doing stuff first but maybe she just cannot afford to do it and doesnt want to look like she cant? if that makes sense. I really dont mean to be rude at all but someone should, instead of arguing about gifts,be telling our brother to pull his finger out and be a dad this litle one needs and same for mum. That little girl cannot know which way is up as she has no settled home life.This carry on you discribed is ridiculous for a small child.

I understand wanting to take her on holiday first, but the dolls house thing is ridiculous and I wouldn't be having any of it. It sounds like everyone is making an effort beside the parents, who sound a bit crap.

You parents are her part time carers so buy whatever you want for her to play with at their house.
This situation is awful and I agree that your parents should consider legal advice to formalise them being main carers as they seem to have her more than anyone else albeit only 2 days a week.

Right, so your parents are effectively a third set of parents. They provide for her, have her in much more than a childcare way etc. As far as I'm concerned, if your SIL and brother want that to continue then they can keep their opinions about presents to themselves. If they are happy for the boundaries to be blurred then they put up with it. It's hardly a hardship that your parents are bloody generous anyway!

Yanbu. If it will be at your DM's she will enjoy it without it taking up space.

Spending time here, there and everywhere all sounds very confusing for her but at least she gets to see/spend time with everybody which is a bonus.

Can you all not set up a family group Whatsapp so things can be arranged/agreed/communicated on there? :-)

Your niece is going without a stable home and parents that parent. That is what is most concerning here, not dolls houses and swimming lessons. Poor child. 😢

The thing id be worried about the poor wee girl going without is a stable home! She must be so unsettled

Really hoping this is all made up for the sale of that little girl .
If it’s not made up, She’s shipped off around various relatives all week.

@Litsy

This isn’t a childcare arrangement, it’s just something they’ve settled on since splitting up.

My brother works in a bar so he’s normally needed over the weekend. Not defending him in the slightest, they’re allowed to drink while in work also so he doesn’t normally get up until the afternoon. Also works there through the week, drinking then too.

He doesn’t buy her clothes or anything, my parents do all that for both of them. He doesn’t seem to take an interest but she will drop my niece off and say she needs new shoes, so my mum and dad will go and get them.

He will have her one day a week, mainly plays with her but that’s it. He doesn’t take her places or support her with clothes etc.

Her mum isn’t really interested either, sadly.

She’s a lovely little girl it’s all very sad, but from when I see her she’s very happy in herself

Your brother needs to tale responsibility. Drinking during work and getting up late? Ffs!

Take

I understand wanting to do things with your own children first and noone would be taking my children away on holiday without me. My inlaws couldn't understand why I didn't want them to take my 2 year old camping with them and basically insinuated I was overly anxious and over protective They also bought my eldest a school bag for starting school and presented it out of the blue. I had already ordered a special bag for him starting school. I do feel things like that are really stepping on the toes of the parent. SIL is just the same and bombards us with plastic crap at halloween and christmas (things she wishes she did with her children I think). It annoys me as I want to make our own traditions and do things our own way (I wouldn't try to prevent them from doing it at their own house though).

The rest of the situation sounds a complete and utter mess. That poor little girl.