Being told what I can or can’t buy our niece

[Litsy]

My brother and his girlfriend split up about a year ago, they have a DD who’s 4.

This has gone on for some time before they split, but his girlfriend tells people they can’t do things with DD as she wants to do them first.

I completely get that if she was planning to do these things with her, but then she waits and waits and waits.... and they don’t seem to happen.

For context, DD spends 2 days a week with her mum, 2 days with my mum and dad, a day with her dad and the other 2 days with grandparents (seperately)

Examples to name a few:

My mum and dad wanting to take her swimming. Told no. She ended up going almost 6 months later, once.

Flipped out my mum and dad went pumpkin picking and to the circus with her, but has never shown an interest in either of these things.

Wanted to take her on holiday, we were told no. She’s still not gone on holiday.

I wanted to buy her a dolls house for Christmas, no as her mum wants to buy her first (but hasn’t bought her one yet and won’t be buying her one for Christmas)

I would 100% get it if she was planning to do these things with her, but it feels like DD is suffering going without because her mums a bit controlling.

I’ve already bought her a dolls house for Christmas and I was intending for it to stay at my mum and dads (she has 2 of everything as her mums family lives half an hour away). She’s got wind of it through my brother and basically said take it back.

AIBU thinking I don’t want my niece to go without?

[stovetopespresso]

maybe the grandparents could look to supporting your sil to put in place whatever to enable her to look after your neice properly and for more time, so she herself can take her on holiday for example. also to support your bil to see the possibility of taking more responsibility. otherwise- devils advocate here- giving her huge presents which are out of kilter with her parents could come across as grandparental self-indulgence. I bet they really love spending time with her and being heros but you could end up with a spoiled insecure kid if you're not careful

[Aroundtheworldin80moves]

What happens when she's with your parents/brother is ultimately your brother's responsibility. So if they want to take her to swimming lessons or give her a dolls house, it's up to him really.

[stayathomer]

Some are unreasonable but I have to stand up for things like swimming holidays and the circus. How would you know if she has an interest in the circus or not? And maybe she really wants to do these things but life gets in the way, doesn't mean she wants her little girl to not have that experience with her. I get that you're all in an awful position, none so more than your niece, but you're letting the things she is being unreasonable about make you judge everything. I'd say a huge amount of people here will know of the experience of in laws announcing they're taking your child to a place you'd love to take them to and then you sound like a selfish cow if you say youd like to go too/were thinking of taking them! It's hard for you all

[saraclara]

Dolls houses can be bought for a tenner these days. Nobody is buying huge presents.

[stayathomer]

By the way I tjink things like first holidays, any pets,first phones and things like first nerf guns are a parents decision as they're the ones that have to decide if the child is able for them etc

[LockdownLump]

I think the dolls house thing is a red herring. This poor kid. Your brother sounds like an absolute twat. He needs to step up.

[Porridgeoat]

Why is your brother running any of this through his ex if she is so manipulative with the information. Your brother is at fault. He needs to stop over sharing with his ex

[stovetopespresso]

yes I presumed it was going to be a full-on £100 dolls house! but my point still stands, the sil is possibly disempowered, and the bil enabled, by the grandparents who are doing everything with the best of intentions.

[MolotovMocktail]

They sound like utterly shitty parents, that poor little girl. I’d just get on and give her whatever I wanted to, the dolls house can stay at your parents as they seem to be raising her more or less.

[CakeRequired]

Your 'darling' brother is actually a twat and you need to wake up and see that. The ex/'mother' of sorts is no prize either, but don't go laying the blame all on her being difficult about presents and other shit. Your pathetic brother would rather get drunk, at work, and lay around sleeping all day than do anything with his own child, or pay for his own child. He lets his parents pay for his kid. He's not a man, he's a stupid little boy. Start having a go at your own family first and giving him a good kick up the ass to grow up. Once he's actually grown up and is behaving like a parent should, then he can deal with the ex/mother as he should be.

[stovetopespresso]

@MolotovMocktail I see what your saying but again would that not be undermining? if they really wanted to they could give the sil some money to help her buy the blooming dolls house, take her swimming whatever?

[Porridgeoat]

It might be worth a conversation with your brother so that he looks at things from DDs perspective.

Could the girl do Monday to Thursday with dad and Friday to Sunday with mum.

[Litsy]

They’re both early 20s. I don’t live at home with my parents, I just visit my niece of a weekend at my parents instead of bringing her to my house on top of everything else.

The dolls house isn’t a huge expensive one, it was £40.

Neither of them struggle for money that much for that to be a big present, they’re both on minimum wage but she lives at home and gets UC, just got a new car and goes out every weekend so I’m assuming she’s not that hard off. He has his own place and has about £50 spare a week.

It seems to be about everything - big things like holidays or smaller things like dolls houses, and everything inbetween. Trips to the woods, farm, anywhere really.

I agree with the comments my brother 100% needs to step up and my mum and dad are enabling him. But the alternative seems to be letting my niece suffer.

[Tistheseason17]

@LadyWithLapdog

Regarding the DB. Bar work is like that. If the bar shuts at 11pm, it takes time to clean up afterwards, then the bus home. They can get home at 2-3 am, so sleeping till lunchtime the next day. That’s how bar work is. That’s as an aside, I still think that little girl needs more stability in her life.

We are in a pandemic where bars must be closed with all drinking done by 10pm.
I've worked bars, too - you don't have to stay and get drunk over seeing your child.
He has literally zero excuses for his shit parenting.

[CakeRequired]

I agree with the comments my brother 100% needs to step up and my mum and dad are enabling him. But the alternative seems to be letting my niece suffer.

Give him a kick up the ass then, literally if you need to. He's being a knob head. How can he be happy knowing his parents and her parents are raising his child?

[midnightstar66]

I'd not even mention what you are buying dn. just get her whatever you think she will like to have at your parents and let mum buy her what she wants from home. How did she even find out what you'd bought? The poor kid though. Sounds like your parents are the only constant in her life so they should buy her whatever they see fit.

[Subordinateclause]

Given your parents have her more than the father, that could be viewed as unofficial fostering. Her school might take an interest in this from a safeguarding POV when she starts.

[midnightstar66]

I wouldn't want someone else taking my pre school aged child on holiday either.
Assuming though that your child lives with you full time. This child is being sent off half the week anyway. Dm doesn't have any concerns about her dc being away from her regularly like you or I might have that would affect a decision to let her go on holiday - it seems she just doesn't want the dc to have more fun at granny's so it doesn't make her look like a crap mum/mean that the dc has a better time with others.

[AnneOfQueenSables]

I don't understand why you think your niece would suffer if your DPs stopped enabling your DB. It sounds as though, if your parents weren't enabling him, your DB wouldn't see his little girl at all and she'd actually have a more stable life with her DM and her GPs on her mum's side.

[NotMeNoNo]

@Maireas

Poor little thing. The doll's house is irrelevant. She needs proper parenting rather than adults bickering over her activities and gifts.

This! Sorry but I agree. You can’t pass a child round like a parcel, she will pay the price emotionally later in life, if not already.

[TartanLassie]

I don't understand why people are Saying "Poor little girl".

This wee girl is surrounded by love, 2 sets of grand parents, an aunt, a mum and dad who both work!!! She sounds like a blessed and happy wee girl.

So it doesn't fit in with your "norm" that doesn't make it wrong. She doesn't know any better.

Kids are resilient, as long as she is warm and fed and most importantly surrounded in love she will thrive.

But to your question OP, is just give her the dolls house and keep it at your parents. What's the mum gonna do?

[May09Bump]

Focusing on the wrong issue completely - everyone needs to sit down and talk how to stabilise this child's life, not who buys what toys, etc.

[CarrotCakeCrumbs]

The holiday and swimming is 100% understandable, there is no way on earth I would want my 4 year old going on holiday without me either. Obviously the dolls house is less of an issue and shouldn't be a problem. Is the mum maybe a little insecure? Or depressed? I know when my mental health gets very, very bad I can become very controlling because everything else feels so chaotic. And that care arrangement does sound very chaotic.

Your brother needs a wake up call too! Choosing alcohol over your child is never ok, if he has a drinking problem he needs help, otherwise he just needs to be told what a selfish twat he is being. Both sets of grandparents are enabling the parents to be less than wonderful and everybody needs to work together to give this little girl a more stable home.

[forrestgreen]

Mum can't dictate what goes on when she's not with her.
But equally I wouldn't be sharing what I'd done either so as not to rock the boat.
Buy what you want to leave at your mum's if she's happy having it there.

Dad needs to buy the sodding shoes and pay your mum !

If there oversharing of what she's done? I'd just send a photo of her playing at home, having a lovely weekend. Nothing more.

[stretchedmarks]

She's being passed from pillar to post and it sounds like the mum just likes making things awkward to be honest. I totally get wanting to do the firsts, but you bloody well have to do them!

I'd keep the dolls house and give it to her when her mum isn't around. If she rings you complaining you can explain that maybe she'd like to stop using her daughter as a pawn and to grow up.