Being told what I can or can’t buy our niece

[Litsy]

My brother and his girlfriend split up about a year ago, they have a DD who’s 4.

This has gone on for some time before they split, but his girlfriend tells people they can’t do things with DD as she wants to do them first.

I completely get that if she was planning to do these things with her, but then she waits and waits and waits.... and they don’t seem to happen.

For context, DD spends 2 days a week with her mum, 2 days with my mum and dad, a day with her dad and the other 2 days with grandparents (seperately)

Examples to name a few:

My mum and dad wanting to take her swimming. Told no. She ended up going almost 6 months later, once.

Flipped out my mum and dad went pumpkin picking and to the circus with her, but has never shown an interest in either of these things.

Wanted to take her on holiday, we were told no. She’s still not gone on holiday.

I wanted to buy her a dolls house for Christmas, no as her mum wants to buy her first (but hasn’t bought her one yet and won’t be buying her one for Christmas)

I would 100% get it if she was planning to do these things with her, but it feels like DD is suffering going without because her mums a bit controlling.

I’ve already bought her a dolls house for Christmas and I was intending for it to stay at my mum and dads (she has 2 of everything as her mums family lives half an hour away). She’s got wind of it through my brother and basically said take it back.

AIBU thinking I don’t want my niece to go without?

[SimonJT]

@Mokusspokus

Liz thank goodness!!

So she actually spends four days a week in her mums home, two at paternal grandparents and one with dad.

[OhCaptain]

@Litsy specifically mentions only one day a week with her mum. And separate days with each maternal grandparent?

[Racoonworld]

That’s still too many houses in one week. The poor kid needs some stability not being shoved everywhere for the convenience of her parents.

[Brunt0n]

What an absolutely ridiculous arrangement for a little girl. She’s with one of her actual parents 3 days a week? Why did they bother having a child? She’d have been better being given up for adoption

[SimonJT]

@Brunt0n

What an absolutely ridiculous arrangement for a little girl. She’s with one of her actual parents 3 days a week? Why did they bother having a child? She’d have been better being given up for adoption

Shes with her mum four days a week.

Are you really suggesting people who are single parents and so not there everyday should put their children into care?

[OhCaptain]

@SimonJT you keep saying that but OP made a point of saying she’s only with her mum one day a week.

You don’t know that her mum is there four days a week.

[Anotheruser02]

No she didn't, she said she's only with her dad (the op's brother) 1 day a week.

[Brunt0n]

[quote OhCaptain]@SimonJT you keep saying that but OP made a point of saying she’s only with her mum one day a week.

You don’t know that her mum is there four days a week.[/quote]
Precisely. Maybe the mum works away 3 of those 4 days a week?
The set up as described by the OP is insane and cruel

[SimonJT]

[quote OhCaptain]@SimonJT you keep saying that but OP made a point of saying she’s only with her mum one day a week.

You don’t know that her mum is there four days a week.[/quote]
On the last page OP pointed out that child, mum and maternal grandparents all live together.

However OP has also previously stated lives with her mum two days a week, then one day a week.

So it does depend on which ‘fact’ the OP is using, or as Trump would say alternative facts.

[Brunt0n]

“ For context, DD spends 2 days a week with her mum, 2 days with my mum and dad, a day with her dad and the other 2 days with grandparents (seperately)”

So 3 days with her actual parents, 4 days with respective grandparents (separately apparently? So one day with Nan, one day with grandpa? )

[SimonJT]

Sorry it was page four where OP stated that Mum and daughter live with maternal grandparents, not page five.

[AndNoneForGretchenWieners]

I disagree that the childcare/ living arrangements are awful, given the working patterns involved. Although DH and I remained together, we had frequently conflicting schedules which meant that DS often stayed with his grandparents or greatnan (or even his auntie in her university apartment) instead of at home. DH worked shifts which were split over 7 days, so 3 nights and 4 days, or 4 nights and 3 days, and I commuted to the other side of the country and often had overnights with work. DS needed adult supervision so there were often weeks when he stayed with family half of the week. There was no alternative. He has grown into a man with a very close attachment to to those care givers as well as me and DH. He still has a bedroom at his grandparents and greatnan's houses which he uses from time to time.

The controlling of firsts reminds me of a thread that was here a couple of weeks ago from the mums perspective though.

[Noitjustwontdo]

Feel so sorry for your niece, she’s going to grow up with lots more problems than who buys her a dolls house first. She shouldn’t be staying in four different homes every week, it’s not good for anyone’s mental well-being not in the least a four year old’s. She needs structure and routine in place, especially before she starts school next year. Poor kid, it’s so sad.

[Anotheruser02]

But the OP said she goes to nursery and maternal grandparents have her around her Mum working. So Mum works, mat GM picks up from nursery (because Mum is at work) then they live together anyway. I read it like the Mum has 2 day off where she is 'with mum' 2 days, that doesn't mean Mum doesn't go home after work and tuck in etc.

[Embracelife]

Dolls house is not the issue here. A cardboard box can be a dolls house
at four she doesnt need a trip to spain for holiday

The issus is passing child aoundd. Does shd havd stability? Is she loved? By who? Grandparents can make up for lack from mum.
But she at nursery so you can make sure nursery knows the arraNgements and can look out for her and refer on if needs be...maybe ss led family grouo conference to discuss.

[CookieClub]

@Litsy

My brother and his girlfriend split up about a year ago, they have a DD who’s 4.

This has gone on for some time before they split, but his girlfriend tells people they can’t do things with DD as she wants to do them first.

I completely get that if she was planning to do these things with her, but then she waits and waits and waits.... and they don’t seem to happen.

For context, DD spends 2 days a week with her mum, 2 days with my mum and dad, a day with her dad and the other 2 days with grandparents (seperately)

Examples to name a few:

My mum and dad wanting to take her swimming. Told no. She ended up going almost 6 months later, once.

Flipped out my mum and dad went pumpkin picking and to the circus with her, but has never shown an interest in either of these things.

Wanted to take her on holiday, we were told no. She’s still not gone on holiday.

I wanted to buy her a dolls house for Christmas, no as her mum wants to buy her first (but hasn’t bought her one yet and won’t be buying her one for Christmas)

I would 100% get it if she was planning to do these things with her, but it feels like DD is suffering going without because her mums a bit controlling.

I’ve already bought her a dolls house for Christmas and I was intending for it to stay at my mum and dads (she has 2 of everything as her mums family lives half an hour away). She’s got wind of it through my brother and basically said take it back.

AIBU thinking I don’t want my niece to go without?

Your Brother is also her parent, so he has a say in how she is raised too. Get the dolls house etc and let him keep it at his house for your Niece.

The mum sounds very controlling and petty...the child is in the middle of all this and surely her best interests should be at heart.

Good luck x

[PhlegmyHead]

For context, DD spends 2 days a week with her mum, 2 days with my mum and dad, a day with her dad and the other 2 days with grandparents (seperately)

This does not sound good for the child, where's the stability? Where can she settle in and call home??

[OhCaptain]

@Anotheruser02

No she didn't, she said she's only with her dad (the op's brother) 1 day a week.

Sorry, she said two days not one.

Either way I’m bloody confused now!

If mum is with dd four nights a week then it’s unfair to say she’s not with her.

Most of us work - that doesn’t mean we don’t live with our children!

[ktp100]

Just buy her things and keep them at your parents. You don't have to tell her.

This whole situation sounds awful for DN. I can understand why her Mum would want to be the first to do these things with her but if she's not in a position to provide those opportunities it's unfair to stop her child from having them at all.

I say do all of the things you want to with her and buy her whatever you like. Her Mum sounds awfully controlling.

[Embracelife]

"but from when I see her she’s very happy in herself"

So is she happy or is she withdrawn and anxious?

Do the grandparents take her to park etc?

A dolls house at one house she stays in is fine.
A trip to circus is nice but not going isnt msking her "suffer"

[MegaBloxRoxx]

So she is actually with her mum 4 days a week (and mum lives with her parents and works) and with dad 3 days (and he either also lives with parents or is passing the responsibility to his parents for 2 of those days). Sorry, it doesn't sound like the mum is the villain of this piece. I think you need to shift your focus.

[Anotheruser02]

I agree Captain, but the OP has an interest in making the Mother sound disinterested, she wants internet strangers to validate her feelings that she is saving her poor niece from suffering with her dolls house prezzie. This sounds like a case of first gc, first niece and everyone wanting to be needed to 'raise' her.

[DancyNancy]

Yabu to think your niece is 'suffering' and going without. needs for a child are a safe loving environment with connection and affection, not circus trips, holidays or dolls houses.

Yanbu to buy your niece a dolls house that stays at your parents (as long as your parents are ok with housing it!)

[FilthyforFirth]

Both parents sound equally feckless. But this is mn so the mum is a saint and clearly not in the wrong.

This will probably damage this poor little girl as she grows up. Attachment issues develop at such a young age and can cause huge mental health problems later in life.

It is patently ridiculous that she does not have a home and simply sleeps wherever several nights a week. A small child needs stability. What the hell is going to happen when she starts school? If neither parents can be bothered to have her at the weekend and she is not allowed to do anything, where are her experiences coming from? Yes, no one needs to go swimming or to a farm, but what a joyless fucking existance for what I can see is no reason at all.

I agree that one set of grandparents should be looking to take on this child full time. Neither parent seem to care too much for her. Awful.

[Litsy]

Sorry just to elaborate on dn living situation -

She’s with her mum 2 days a week, mum lives with her mum (dns nan).

Dn also spends 2 days a week with her grandad (who is separated from the nan).

She then spends 2 days a week with my mum and dad.

And 1 day with her dad.