Being told what I can or can’t buy our niece

[Litsy]

My brother and his girlfriend split up about a year ago, they have a DD who’s 4.

This has gone on for some time before they split, but his girlfriend tells people they can’t do things with DD as she wants to do them first.

I completely get that if she was planning to do these things with her, but then she waits and waits and waits.... and they don’t seem to happen.

For context, DD spends 2 days a week with her mum, 2 days with my mum and dad, a day with her dad and the other 2 days with grandparents (seperately)

Examples to name a few:

My mum and dad wanting to take her swimming. Told no. She ended up going almost 6 months later, once.

Flipped out my mum and dad went pumpkin picking and to the circus with her, but has never shown an interest in either of these things.

Wanted to take her on holiday, we were told no. She’s still not gone on holiday.

I wanted to buy her a dolls house for Christmas, no as her mum wants to buy her first (but hasn’t bought her one yet and won’t be buying her one for Christmas)

I would 100% get it if she was planning to do these things with her, but it feels like DD is suffering going without because her mums a bit controlling.

I’ve already bought her a dolls house for Christmas and I was intending for it to stay at my mum and dads (she has 2 of everything as her mums family lives half an hour away). She’s got wind of it through my brother and basically said take it back.

AIBU thinking I don’t want my niece to go without?

ahh yes sounds similar to my sister and my mums dynamic concerning my neice! this is better now but...sounds as if the dc's actual parents aren't pulling their weight and grandparents are stepping in, which SIL finds convenient but resents it too, as it's undermining. hence controlling what presents or experiences etc. the sil and db might take a couple of years to "grow in" to being parents and in the mean time a small child is being stimulated and appreciated by those with more money, love, time and experience. if the only alternative is for the dc to have a crap life then maybe its for the best. what is the alternative?

That sounds like a mother who is trying to exert control so that she feels in charge because in fact, with a child shipped from pillar to post like that, she really has lost control. I get where she's coming from but it's hopeless for her to imagine she can do that and yes, give her the doll's house and take her on whatever days out she would enjoy. I"d draw a line a the holiday obviously but beyond that, no.

The one about going on holiday, I can understand, especially given the current situation and possibility of quarantine away from her parents.

The other things seem very controlling. Especially when combined with a way of life, where the child is living with several different people during the week.

It’s really not made up.

I wish it was, they’re both relatively young and very immature.

The mum wouldn’t entertain custody (she won’t even entertain her DD being bought a dolls house!)

My mum and dad think that they’re doing the best that they can in the situation, everything’s kept stable for a weekend at least.

It’s a really difficult situation to be in, it’s not nice to see but you can’t force her parents to do anything. Where we are from, the LA really struggles. If kids are fed a meal a day and have something on their back (even a t shirt in the middle of winter), they’re not interested.

I think the mother needs to accept that if she requires that level of childcare from that many people, she will not be in control of what they all do with her, and as long as they love the child and have her best interests at heart, she needs to relax in order to make it work.

My sisters partner was like this with my niece. But he's stopped now she's older. For the first 4 years though you had to run everything by him. She asked him if we were allowed to walk her. I wasn't allowed to take her to the park because he had t seen her on the swings yet. She also runs all toys by him.

Seems over the top when people are giving your child a nice experience.

I think that you all need to work to reduce the tension here so that you can focus on what the little girl needs going forwards. This split houses is not good for her.

With that in mind I would buy something else cheap and not firsty for her for Christmas (eg chocolate coins) that she unwraps on the day. And then I would quietly put the dolls house into your parents house a couple of weeks after christmas without making a big fuss about it. Or offer it to the mum to give her for christmas. You know its her real christmas present from you - no one else needs to really.

I would also speak to mum and try and discuss what firsts mum wants to do with her. And I would then either stay away from those activities or offer to pay for them for mum/help organise them/do them with mum if she needs support etc. Presumably once she has one been for a haircut / been swimming / been pumpkin picking etc it is then fine for you and your parents to do it again the next time?

It's not fair or right to have to do this, but I think irrespective of that you need to focus on reducing the tension so that the adults get to a point that they can work together to make this little girls life better.

I remember being like this a little with my first child. I had all these fantastical ideas about "first times" but also didn't have the time/money to do them all... Which ultimately made me feel like a terrible mother. I never actually told anyone they couldn't do something, I would just feel very sad and whinge to my partner.

However, I eventually realised (after being very upset she went to her first pantomime that it was better for her to get these experiences with people who loved her, rather than not get them at all with me (I would EVENTUALLY) do them, but resources don't always allow it immediately. As a mum you get so many other special moment, it is nice to let grandparents, aunts, uncles have some of that magic too.

I hope the girls mum realises this soon, and maybe you and your family should just "do" these things rather than asking for permission.... Especially if you have her for 2 full days/nights every week!

Jeez, your brother is a dick.
He'd rather get pissed at work and sleep all weekend than see his daughter. And her mother sounds controlling but uninterested like, "I dont want her but I dont want anyone else to give her a good time"
Both selfish gifts. Poor little girl. Prob gets more stability with your parents st the weekend.

Regarding the DB. Bar work is like that. If the bar shuts at 11pm, it takes time to clean up afterwards, then the bus home. They can get home at 2-3 am, so sleeping till lunchtime the next day. That’s how bar work is. That’s as an aside, I still think that little girl needs more stability in her life.

The girl spends 3 days collectively with dads side and 4 with mums, mum 2, maternal gp's 2, paternal gp's 2, dad 1. Where are we getting it that the OP's parents are the main carers and should adopt the child? She spends equal time with Mum and paternal gp's.

The Mother may be disinterested or she may believe she has a 4/3 split with her ex and he uses his parents as childcare when he is at work. The brother drinking at work and sleeping in half of the next day when he has his contact time with his daughter is the biggest problem that the OP can confirm as she doesn't know for a fact what happens of the other 4 days how much time the child's Mother is present with her parents on their days with the child.
I don't understand the call for the paternal gp's to step up and adopt the child when they raised a pathetic manchild and continue to enable him to evade his parenting commitments, even buying the child's new shoes to not inconvenience the fully grown bratt. They are not really better parents if that's their idea of parenting.

With the dolls house - could it be that her mum is worried about that being a better present than what ‘Santa’ can afford to get her? We have this problem with my in-laws where they want to spoil our DD with massive big presents that would kind of overshadow her ‘main’ present from Santa. Obviously their hearts are in the right place but it just sort of takes away from the magic of Santa if he gets her a cuddly toy which is overlooked when there’s a massive new bike to open. (Not saying it is that - but a possibility to consider. Agree with PP about her living situation, so so sad.)

Give her the dolls house. What's Mum going to do? She's obviously reliant on the childcare so let her have her temper tantrum about it. Meanwhile your niece gets a lovely gift.

Poor kid.

I think the animosity of the split and the odd living arrangements are confusing the issue. It's not unusual at all for parents to want to be the first to take their DC swimming or to the circus or on holiday or to buy a doll's house. I kept waiting for the UR example but none of the ones you gave were UR. They are all either big purchases or big events in a DC's life.
It also doesn't mean that her DM has to rush to do them in other people's timescales. The fact someone on your side of the family thought the timing was right, doesn't mean her DM thinks it's the right time to do so.
There seems an oddly competitive element and I can't tell if it's from your entire family or it's just the way you've written about it. I'm sure there are lots of purchases you could make that wouldn't seem like 'red letter' purchases iyswim and lots of places you could take her that wouldn't encroach on 'important first times'.
Your DB sounds completely disinterested perhaps focus your energies on getting him to step up rather than getting into a competition with his ex about her DD's 'firsts'.

@blackhorses very wisely put. This isn’t about adults’ one-up-manship but about reducing the tension between the adults so the child can have a more secure and stable environment.

*The living situation is completely not normal. Her dad works full time (shifts), her mum works part time. Her grandparents work full time (dads side) and part time (mums side).
**
*My parents have her all weekend, every weekend. Her dads normally working so has her on the Friday or Monday while she’s in this area. She then gets moved back to where her mum lives, half an hour away, goes to nursery 4 days a week and goes to her grandparents around her mum working. She sleeps in each of these houses and I agree it’s so bad for routine etc, she’s never settling down and playing with other kids other than nursery either which probably adds to me feeling like we should take her places and have toys here for her to play with too

Poor kid.

Apart from the holiday (which I can see why the Mum absolutely has to consent), I don't know why this stuff is being discussed. Just crack on and do it.

It seems they enough people (who aren't her parents) have this little girl throughout the week and so can just do this stuff. Book the grotto, go, and then it's done. If she happens to mention it to Mum and Mum kicks off, too late. How anyone can begrudge their kids having happy memories just because their own self indulgent vision of themselves as parents has them their too "for the first" is beyond me in this context where you allow your kid to have 5 different beds!!

The Mum needs to understand that frankly if you're going to have your child so little, you should want them to do things eg swimming but accept you might not do it first.

All sounds very strange and this girl is lucky to have such involved and caring wider family.

Neither parent will step up all the time gps pick up the slack. Your db needs to force himself to get up, spend time with her and contribute to her life. Does he have money to spare or is he drinking it away? Room for overnights on his night off? Access and finances should be formalised before she starts school, presumably that will be close to her mother's house and full time. If dn struggles with nursery/school as a result of her chaotic living arrangement it will become a safeguarding issue.

A lack of a dolls house is the least of your DN’s problems.

What were your DB and his ex like as parents before they split up.

I can’t imagine how being shunted around various households will work once the little girl is at school.

Has anyone sat down with your DB and told him he needs to step up as a parent?

I’m sorry but I think what you buy and who does what are the least of your nieces worries.

It must be so hard. You are obviously a loving aunt. Do you live at home and see her regularly? I assume that she has teenage parents. It really seems like she needs some stability. To be honest your brother is as bad drinking and not caring for his daughter just as the mum is controlling.

Could they family attend some sort of mediation to try and make it so your dn just had two beds a week to sleep in?

To return to your actual question- yes buy whatever your mum and dad say to have at their house as they are the major caregivers on the paternal side.

Ooh @ineedaholidaynow very similar ideas! X post!!!

Poor little thing. The doll's house is irrelevant. She needs proper parenting rather than adults bickering over her activities and gifts.

It sounds like your niece is fortunate to have very involved grandparents on both sides. To be honest the two parents need to be sat down with an intermediary and told to buck up their ideas, they need to be parenting their child and not relying on others yet being prescriptive over minor things. This little girl isn't an accessory for when it suits her mother or a toy for her father when he hasn't got a better offer - she needs to be settled ready for school and if that means the grandparents have custody (jointly) so be it. Talking to the other grandparents involved would be a start.

If it was for actual reasons that she doesn't want DD to have it then I'd agree with her. We're not allowed to buy DN guns for example.
But because she doesn't want others to do nice things or buy her nice things us just selfish and cruel. Especially when she only spends 2/7 days with her

This is going to be (even more) horribly messy when she starts school. If they haven’t managed to sort it out and provide more consistency in the year since they’ve split suggests it’s never going to happen.

Both parents need to get their act together and put their child first.