Being told what I can or can’t buy our niece

[Litsy]

My brother and his girlfriend split up about a year ago, they have a DD who’s 4.

This has gone on for some time before they split, but his girlfriend tells people they can’t do things with DD as she wants to do them first.

I completely get that if she was planning to do these things with her, but then she waits and waits and waits.... and they don’t seem to happen.

For context, DD spends 2 days a week with her mum, 2 days with my mum and dad, a day with her dad and the other 2 days with grandparents (seperately)

Examples to name a few:

My mum and dad wanting to take her swimming. Told no. She ended up going almost 6 months later, once.

Flipped out my mum and dad went pumpkin picking and to the circus with her, but has never shown an interest in either of these things.

Wanted to take her on holiday, we were told no. She’s still not gone on holiday.

I wanted to buy her a dolls house for Christmas, no as her mum wants to buy her first (but hasn’t bought her one yet and won’t be buying her one for Christmas)

I would 100% get it if she was planning to do these things with her, but it feels like DD is suffering going without because her mums a bit controlling.

I’ve already bought her a dolls house for Christmas and I was intending for it to stay at my mum and dads (she has 2 of everything as her mums family lives half an hour away). She’s got wind of it through my brother and basically said take it back.

AIBU thinking I don’t want my niece to go without?

[midnightstar66]

This wee girl is surrounded by love, 2 sets of grand parents, an aunt, a mum and dad who both work!!! She sounds like a blessed and happy wee girl. I disagree with this. A dc should always have a primary care giver(s) and u can't identify one here at all.

[Anotheruser02]

I agree with Anne he may as well have his day with her and then let her go home. I might me projecting but my childs dad used to want to be seen to want him more than he ever actually had him, he would have my Son one day a week and then shove him in storage around his grandmothers house for a whole day and night which she loved because it filled the void in her life, they both would deny it and pretend that it was time with his father, then when they let their guards down the truth would slip out and be backtracked on later. My child was a late talker but let on when he was almost about to go to school (so too late to change anything for the earliest part of his life). My Son was also incredibly clingy to me but when we moved away from the three homes nonsense and he had his day with his dad and then back to me he relaxed completely, he was like a different kid almost overnight.

[AnneOfQueenSables]

We can't identify a primary care giver because OP doesn't know what happens when her niece is with her DM. It could be that the little girl still sees her DM every day even when staying with her GPs on her DM's side. In which case then her DM is obviously her primary carer.

The biggest issue is OP's brother's lack of engagement with his child and his family's willingness to argue about doll's houses rather than address his drinking and irresponsibility.

[NotMeNoNo]

Kids are not resilient, it’s well known now that early years trauma/ moves/ frequent changes of career usually leads to long term aMH problems.

[Mallemo]

I’d be upset if someone bought my child a significant “first” present. Such as a dolls house, a bike etc

[midnightstar66]

@Anotheruser02 your situation sounds different though. I get the impression the mum in this case is more than happy to send the dc off and is fully aware of the arrangement. Not to mention that this 4 year old now has a huge bond with the grandparents who do an awful lot for her. Sending her home for the weekend would likely just result in the other grandparents having her more which they may not want/have the energy for.

[BlueJava]

For me the most serious problem here is that DN is getting passed around constantly. It can lead to real behaviour problems later I think - certainly I've seen this in 2 cases. But I'd like to gently suggest that her parents need to take advice on this, it would worry me.

Regarding the problem you have described I wouldn't be asking your brother (or her mum) if I could take her swimming or pumpkin picking or whatever - I'd just take her but not share it at all on social media. If her mum goes bonkers about normal events then don't engage because obviously if someone is looking after a child they need to actively do stuff with them. Clearly for a holiday you'd need to ask, but that's not going to be a frequent event.

[SimonJT]

The set up is completely normal and very common in many cultures. OP has also said that mum lives at home.

Dad however being an alcoholic is a huge problem, until he is reliably sober he shouldn’t be caring for her. He also needs to get out of bed in the morning, being a bit tired won’t do him any harm, he can also have a nap or sleep in when he doesn’t have her.

I can in a way understand about the toys, swimming etc. I generally don’t allow people to do firsts that I can do myself, so I did first swim, holiday, pair of shoes, zoo etc. I know it probably sounds silly, but I’ve already missed lots of firsts and I don’t want to miss anymore.

[Anotheruser02]

Not sure you'd think my situation was different if you only heard the hero martyr great grandmothers side though.
That's what I meant no one knows first hand the Mothers side. We 'get the impression' because we don't know, we have the version of the heroic gp's daughter who also wants to minimise the child's mothers feelings and let the girl be the family pet.

[Pinkyxx]

The actual issue here is not the toys or day's out - it's this child's lack of stability / parenting. You can't just pass a child around like that, this will have serious consequences later in life. Children need a home and stability more than toys holidays, or days out. Your brother sleeping till the afternoon when you have a 4 year old - ffs. Poor child. The mother sounds like she feels completely out of control and is grabbing at straws where she can.

Both need to pull themselves together and be more responsible. Rather than arguing about who gets to buy toys and / or take on days out perhaps the wider family could help your brother / his ex partner so they can take responsibility for their own child and parent her. Right now everyone is enabling this situation and not thinking about the emotional wellbeing of this child.

[AnneOfQueenSables]

Yy I don't think the 'firsts' point is UR at all. Because it's not the little girl's dad who wants to give her 'firsts'. It's the GPs and the aunt wanting to give her firsts whilst enabling the DB to completely disengage with his parenting responsibilities. They're trying to be Disney dads by proxy whilst the real dad prefers staying up late, drinking.

[ThistleWitch]

@Litsy

This isn’t a childcare arrangement, it’s just something they’ve settled on since splitting up.

My brother works in a bar so he’s normally needed over the weekend. Not defending him in the slightest, they’re allowed to drink while in work also so he doesn’t normally get up until the afternoon. Also works there through the week, drinking then too.

He doesn’t buy her clothes or anything, my parents do all that for both of them. He doesn’t seem to take an interest but she will drop my niece off and say she needs new shoes, so my mum and dad will go and get them.

He will have her one day a week, mainly plays with her but that’s it. He doesn’t take her places or support her with clothes etc.

Her mum isn’t really interested either, sadly.

She’s a lovely little girl it’s all very sad, but from when I see her she’s very happy in herself

Jesus christ, your brother is an arsehole

[Crunchymum]

So the child's mother lives with her parents?

That makes things slightly different?

[pastandpresent]

Thing I don't understand is, why do you go against Mums will to suit what you want to do with your niece? What niece needs is no extra dispute among her family over petty things. They need amiable relationship between everyone involving her.

[Anotheruser02]

Sometimes also over excited latch on's want to do these things so early, I didn't wean my child first because his grandmother decided if I was interested I would have done it by now (5 months old) I wanted to wean him at 6 months, I've never once taken my child to see Santa first because to me that's a Christmas event, but they take him when I'm still thinking about fireworks. That is not evidence I don't give a shit about doing these things, that is just wanting to do things when I think they are appropriate.
So fucking what if the child's Mother didn't jump to it and take her swimming when the other family thought it appropriate, so what if she took her once and not again, maybe the child didn't enjoy it and she didn't want to push it, I took my child swimming he hated it, cried, clung to me, I left it nearly two years and took him again at 4, he loved it and there wasn't the stressful battle to get him over the irrational water fear when he could just outgrow it. These things are optional extras, no child is a 'poor child' for not doing any of these things before they start school.

[Mokusspokus]

Sounds like an utterly awful situation for her. Lots of love yes which is good but my god 4 different houses!

In this situation if I was mum I'd just let people take her to nice places.. Her living arrangements are so dire and un fair on a tiny child I don't think anyone has the right to anything except putting that child first. Awful.

[Mokusspokus]

Thank god for the grandparents in this situation.
Surely the child would be better living with one set and visiting everyone else.

[Livelovebehappy]

You sound like a very caring and involved aunt OP, but there does seem to be quite a few people pulling this way and that. It must feel for her that she’s living in a battle zone. I would dig my heels in with the dolls house situation and keep it at your parents. But things like holidays and big trips, I would step back and leave it between her parents to discuss. Your dbs ex probably feels a bit ganged up on, and so will react by being defensive about everything.

[LIZS]

You are coming across as very judgemental towards your brother's ex while tolerant of his feckless attitude. If she lives with her parents, how do you know what day to day responsibility she has for dn then and how it is shared with gp. Possibly she does not pay market rent there, maybe that is how she can afford a car on pt wages/uc or to go out. It is not relevant. None of that prevents your brother stepping up to his responsibilities for dn. Instead he chooses to leave it to your parents. Was he an involved parent before the split?

[OhCaptain]

Your parents are sharing custody of your niece so that blurs the lines in terms of needing to ask permission does it not?

Sounds like she wants to play mummy for Instagram. And your wastrel brother can’t even be bothered to do that!

However, there’s not a lot you can do about it.

I would however give her the house, take her on trips, bring her swimming and to the farm. All perfectly normal and lovely activities for a child and the people she’s living with.

I’d stop asking permission essentially. And I would be giving her whatever gifts I wanted unless they were dangerous or inappropriate. After all, she spends as much time and sometimes more at your parents’ as anywhere else!

[SimonJT]

@Mokusspokus

Thank god for the grandparents in this situation.
Surely the child would be better living with one set and visiting everyone else.

She does, the OP has stated that mum (and therefore daughter) live with the maternal grandparents.

[LIZS]

@Mokusspokus

Thank god for the grandparents in this situation.
Surely the child would be better living with one set and visiting everyone else.

She is already. Dn mother lives with the gp, so dn spends most of her time there.

[Mokusspokus]

I'm a big believer in parents wanting to do firsts actually, we do the hard graft what's wrong with wanting to do firsts.

I'd never spring things on my own dds...children and do special things that everyone knows.. Parents usually want to do!!

However, this situation is so desperate and awful.. Everyone needs to lay everything aside and put this kid first.
The mums instincts are natural, the child's dad sounds too young and immature to have ever had a dc... But in this situation it's not possible to follow through and insist on this and that but I bet this is a very young mum who perhaps doesn't get that yet.

[Mokusspokus]

Liz thank goodness!!

[Racoonworld]

Poor kid, does no one actually want her? It shouldn’t be about the parents it’s about the child.