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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to expect husband to cancel his holiday?

363 replies

Bruce123 · 24/10/2020 18:06

Hi
I have had a melanoma in situ removed from my leg and need further surgery to ensure the margins are big enough and a skin graft to cover the hole. Date of surgery clashes with husbands’ walking trip away with his mate. He postponed once due to Covid and had to rearrange from Wales to Cotswolds because of lockdown restrictions. I can’t postpone surgery because surgeon is coming off his holidays to clear his backlog. I am not supposed to walk and keep the leg elevated for the first few days after surgery. Am reliant on 15 year old (anorexic) daughter who is stropping/ refusing to offer get up before midday to feed cats/ make me breakfast.

Am I being unreasonable in asking my husband to consider postponing his holiday? He is saying he won’t do so. Am feeling very hurt as this whole marriage ceremony, I am sure, mentioned something about in sickness and in health...

OP posts:
DaddysGirlforlife · 25/10/2020 02:21

YANBU.

You need to remind him of your wedding vows!

Ginfilledcats · 25/10/2020 02:27

He wants a divorce because you're having surgery and he has to cancel a walking holiday??? Jesus I'm sorry you're married to such a twat!

I'd honestly ask him to leave, not just sleep on the sofa, and you file for divorce yourself!

Can your you feel DD stay at uni with older DD for a few days? Or could older DD do uni remotely from home for a few days? I know it's a lot to expect of DDs but you're not exactly being lazy are you?

Any friends you could bubble with as you'll be a single adult household thanks to Mr Compassionate?

Finally if you are alone could you prepare by bringing kettle/bottles of water/breakfast bars and fruit to your room? I know you shouldn't have to and someone should step up but just thinking if not!

I'm so sorry Oo x

billybagpuss · 25/10/2020 02:36

Rather than a cattery can you get a feed timer, so they only need the food down at night and the timer will open in the morning so dd doesn’t need to get up for that?

billybagpuss · 25/10/2020 02:37

Ps so sorry you’re having to deal with all this b

Butterfly3105 · 25/10/2020 02:51

@Bruce123
Sorry I’m one of the few YABU but I just think if he’s booked a holiday and you know he’s gonna be resentful why not just let him go? It’s lockdown practically still so a walking holiday will do him good. Can you not ask a friend or get a cab? Good luck for your op btw

AcrossthePond55 · 25/10/2020 02:53

What a bastard! He's asked to uphold his wedding vows and instead says he wants a divorce. This sorry excuse for a man has absolutely no character, does he?

I know it's hard but in the end you'll be glad he showed his true colours. Now, take a deep breath and do what you have to do. Remember that you no longer have to consider him in any decision you make. So if you need to use 'family' money to pay for a post-op stay somewhere, so be it. If you have to give some cash to someone for DD's expenses whilst she stays with them, so be it. And once you're feeling better, make your plans to kick him to the kerb.

He can go suck a fuck stick.

Rangoon · 25/10/2020 02:54

You must be so sad about discovering what your husband is like. I have quite a lot of interaction with ASD people. They may have trouble understanding other people's feelings but you've made it clear tò him and a high functioning ASD would have known that this was unacceptable anyway.

Put the cat in cattery and either decamp to a hotel leaving some prepared food for your daughter or get somebody to come in like a home care assistant. Take care of yourself and start getting all the financial information that you can so you're all set for that meeting with the divorce lawyer when you're back on your feet and go for every last cent. Make some casseroles and freeze ahead for easy meals when youre recovering and you can freeze milk and bread too.

Make sure the hospital gives you enough painkillers because some medical people treat them as if they were gold dust that they were paying for out of their own pocket. I understand it can be very painful and the people who think it's something like a simple mole removal are very foolish. You might want to ask for anti nausea medication because strong pain medication csn make you nauseous and you dont want to deal with that on your own.

lakesidewinter · 25/10/2020 02:56

On a short term practical note we have animal sitters who visit for half hour twice a day feeding and litter changing.

They do dog walking as a main service but offer cat care on the side.

Lemonsyellow · 25/10/2020 02:58

[quote Butterfly3105]@Bruce123
Sorry I’m one of the few YABU but I just think if he’s booked a holiday and you know he’s gonna be resentful why not just let him go? It’s lockdown practically still so a walking holiday will do him good. Can you not ask a friend or get a cab? Good luck for your op btw[/quote]
Do you actually know what melanoma is? Do you know how serious it is?

Clareflairmare · 25/10/2020 03:02

@BurbageBrook

You couldn't be being any less unreasonable. He, however, is behaving like an uncaring, unsympathetic and frankly quite cruel arsehole to even contemplate going. He should be supporting you. It's disgusting behaviour.
Fully agree. This is one of those times that you don’t dither you immediately cancel. Privately you may be disappointed by you tell your spouse that it’s not even a consideration to go. I am gobsmacked he is even thinking about it. whilst you plan your divorceHow are you financially, can you pay for a carer or ask a sister to come help?
Clareflairmare · 25/10/2020 03:06

@Bruce123

Well...I told him how I felt and that he should step up and stop pressurising DD. He wants a divorce and is sleeping downstairs tonight.
Wow. Grade A bastard.

Please don’t protect him. Tell friends and family exactly what has gone down. I’m sure people will want to rally round you.

It may not feel like it, but anyone who could do that to his wife isn’t someone who is a good husband. You don’t need or want him if he can’t see how callous he is being. You’ deserve SO SO much better than this.

cuckooplusone · 25/10/2020 03:15

I am really sorry to hear about your husband’s reaction OP. Do you have any extended family or friends who are able to offer you emotional support at the moment? I think that you should mention to the clinician about this as it could affect your recovery. I really feel for you and wish you all the best.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/10/2020 03:39

What an arsehole. Now you know what little he thinks of you at least you can make plans for your postoperative care and get on with your life without him. Can your Dd stay with family or friends for a few days?

eaglejulesk · 25/10/2020 03:53

The OP has been diagnosed with cancer. I don’t think that means she is making everything “into such a drama“. It’s serious. It’s good that it can be treated, but the effects of cancer treatment are not just physical, they are psychological and emotional as well.

She's only having a skin graft to cover the hole as I understand it - it's not major surgery!! A nursing home sounds rather extreme. However, having read the update on the OP's husband now wanting a divorce it seems he is just a dick.

Lemonsyellow · 25/10/2020 04:06

She isn’t “only having a skin graft.” She is having more flesh dug out around the original site. My DH had the same. Melanoma can, and will, kill you if left untreated promptly. Depending on the sort of anaesthetic, they might not let her leave hospital without a competent adult there for 24 hours.

UniversalAunt · 25/10/2020 04:25

He wants a divorce? Almost funny!

Girlzroolz · 25/10/2020 04:27

I agree 100% with @Clareflairmare.

Tell everyone you know what the current situation is, and how worried you are. Don’t help hide his horrid little personality out of some weird family loyalty. Let him hear it from the local greengrocer, his mum, and everyone in between. He’s clearly counting on your loyalty, while offering none himself.

Then let your community help you out. You’re clearly someone who helps others, is fundamentally kind and empathetic. Don’t underestimate that people in your life have noticed this. Even if your household doesn’t see the reciprocation is due, others will.

And take your stand with that husband of yours. Tell him he’d better bring bloody strong shoes, since it’s a one-way walk. Maybe suggest he pop in to some agencies on the way, to check for small vacant flats to rent.

Someone laid up in recovery, like you will be, has ample time to research and organise legal next steps. Take advantage of that time.

Monty27 · 25/10/2020 04:38

OP reach out beyond your household. And pack dh's bags asap you don't need someone that doesn't give a fig for you in your life.
Good luck with the op. 💐

UnRavellingFast · 25/10/2020 04:42

Wow. My ex was abusive. Bit if I needed hospital treatment he was always there. Hope this gives you perspective OP.

BefuddledPerson · 25/10/2020 04:48

@Bruce123

Thank you all, for the supportive and helpful comments. I guess you have just witnessed the death rattle of a marriage.
Gosh, how upsetting for you. I wish you well, I think he sounds dreadfully selfish Flowers
BitOfFun · 25/10/2020 04:57

He really does sound like a monumental arsehole. I'm also looking askance at the 'friend(s)' he is meant to be travelling with.

Original poster
Bruce123 · 25/10/2020 05:00

Friend he is travelling with doesn’t know. He hasn’t told him.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 25/10/2020 05:04

And do you know for sure that your husband is actually going anywhere with him?

Original poster
Bruce123 · 25/10/2020 05:31

I know they talk most weeks and he has been planning this trip for ages

OP posts:
Original poster
Bruce123 · 25/10/2020 05:33

Why? What do you think? That he’s having an affair? I don’t believe that for a minute. I do believe he doesn’t want to cancel his walking trip. And that he wants a divorce.

OP posts:
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