Am I being unreasonable to expect husband to cancel his holiday?

[Bruce123]

Hi
I have had a melanoma in situ removed from my leg and need further surgery to ensure the margins are big enough and a skin graft to cover the hole. Date of surgery clashes with husbands’ walking trip away with his mate. He postponed once due to Covid and had to rearrange from Wales to Cotswolds because of lockdown restrictions. I can’t postpone surgery because surgeon is coming off his holidays to clear his backlog. I am not supposed to walk and keep the leg elevated for the first few days after surgery. Am reliant on 15 year old (anorexic) daughter who is stropping/ refusing to offer get up before midday to feed cats/ make me breakfast.

Am I being unreasonable in asking my husband to consider postponing his holiday? He is saying he won’t do so. Am feeling very hurt as this whole marriage ceremony, I am sure, mentioned something about in sickness and in health...

Wow, I’m sorry I missed your update before I responded to someone else. What an absolute peach of a man he is.

I’m so sorry.

Sorry to ask, is this holiday really with just a mate? Given how quickly he threw divorce out there it makes me wonder if something else here is at play. I'm sorry you are going through this OP

Of course your husband shouldn't go on holiday, I can't understand why he wants to at that time when you need him. He is being very selfish. There will be other times in the future when he can wander as he chooses.

@Bruce123

It’s not a threat. He’s serious about the divorce.

Tell him calmly that you agree to a divorce and that you are making arrangements for your post operative care. Let him sleep downstairs from now on.

Of course it's not a walking holiday. Well, not alone anyway.
Katy123 I think that's a bit harsh calling her DD a bitch. Very selfish yes, and the apple isn't falling far from her dad's tree but not a bitch.

@Bruce123

Ok... but if he cancels and is resentful about it, then he will not be looking after me in a loving way. He will be doing it under duress. Then I will be dealing with a painful surgery AND a sulking, resentful husband.

OP this is very sad. Your husband does not sound like a particularly loving or supportive person, and you sound like you are so resigned to and used to his behaviour that it has become normal to you. It really isn’t. You should mean more to him than this. I hope your surgery goes well

To hopefully help - how often if ever in your marriage have you been the one needing help? Did he provide any? Grudgingly once told or not at all.

And the same questions in reverse.

A vulnerable 15 year old should not be expected to be a carer and doing all the household stuff and school when there is an able bodied adult in the house. Chip in - absolutely.

Your husband has made it very clear where you, your daughter and your pets sit in his priorities. I’d be paying attention to that and deciding if I was prepared to accept it.

@Bruce123

Well...I told him how I felt and that he should step up and stop pressurising DD. He wants a divorce and is sleeping downstairs tonight.

So sorry OP. I didn’t read the full thread before my earlier post. He sounds awful and selfish. No advice really just a hand hold. YANBU

@NailsNeedDoing

Only read your posts OP.

Did you do anything to try and work out a way that he could still have his trip while you were still catered for after having surgery? Maybe all it would have taken is an acknowledgement that his holiday was very important to him after it’s already been changed during what has undoubtedly been a shit year for everyone. I think in your position I’d try everything to alter your appointment ( I know you said it can’t be done, but at least asking would show that you care that something important was being taken away from your husband) or get friends and family to help out for a few days.

The OP has cancer and you think she should delay her “appointment”?! I can hardly believe what I’m reading.

Thank you all, for the supportive and helpful comments. I guess you have just witnessed the death rattle of a marriage.

Hand hold but I think he has done you a favour long-term - your younger DD too (cannot imagine he is pleasant to live with). A mumsnetter with more experience will hopefully be a along to advise on practicalities re bank accounts etc

YANBU, and I would not be impressed with your DD either. Both are incredibly selfish. Big hugs to you ❤️

Last year I had my gall bladder removed, it should have been a day case under a GA, because I’m a single mum they wouldn’t discharge me without an adult picking me up and spending 24hrs with me. So my dd went to stay with my mum and I spent a night in hospital.

A few years ago when I broke both of my arms (yes I have great luck!) I had support from the crisis intervention team at home, dd was only 5 and they came to help me with personal care and make lunch. I only needed it for a couple of weeks and managed with microwave meals for tea but they were great. It maybe worth finding out if there is a service like that in your area?

Your ‘D’H is a selfish arsehole and you are right if he does cancel his trip he will make you pay by being nasty. Get your treatment and tell him that you agree a divorce is the best idea. In an ideal world your DD should be able to help but with her own mental health issues and the fact she is a teenager makes that a battle not worth fighting.

I also think that this has to be good for you and your dd in the long run.
It can't be good for you to live with someone like this.
It is the start of a new beginning as well as an ending.

So you and your daughter both have serious health problems and your DH is sulking because he can’t go on a walking holiday?! Prioritise you and your DD in this because it sounds like your DH only cares about himself. To those that have slated the DD for not helping, you clearly haven’t lived with anorexia in your household.

Wow. The plus side here op is in a few years you will think thank fuck that ended when it did. He was always going to catastrophically let you down at some point. Or you spend your old age caring for him.
Good luck for the operation and finding a nice hotel for a couple of nights.

Appalling behaviour from your DH. Sorry you have had to deal with him as well as everything else op.

I am sorry I don't think he is walking with a male friend and if it is innocent then I would seriously question the moral compass of the walking buddy who would be happy to be away with someone who should be at home.

@NailsNeedDoin You think it's wise to postpone surgery for cancer? I think you've been inhaling your nail polish fumes a bit too much because you are insane

I hope he goes on a walk and trips and falls into a volcano,selfish bastard!

I'm so sorry, @Bruce123. This must be absolutely crap for you.

As pp said, you won't need to look after him in his dotage.

Tell him to keep on walking and to never come back. As for dd, she can bloody well feed the cat.

Words fail me! I am glad that you were given some good practical suggestions. Sadly, often the worst things all happen on top of one and another but in the long run, I reckon you will be a lot better off without this cruel wanksock in your life.

He would rather divorce you than cancel his holiday to look after you? That's mad!

Sending you best wishes. All the years ahead without him dragging you down will be a gift, once you get the necessary admin done. Good luck with the op. x